25 signs your gifted child is misunderstood at school

Most of us have been through it. That sinking feeling when your gifted child becomes , unmotivated or miserable in school. That uncertainty over how much to intervene, when to , and whether to approach the school or risk alienating teachers when you ask for something more.

This is not meant as a rant against teachers. They have a demanding and often thankless job. I have worked with many children who have received a remarkable education. And my own kids were fortunate to have crossed paths with many wonderful teachers throughout their school years.

And yet...

There are some giftedness, do not have the time or energy to address these students' needs, or refuse to provide gifted services as a result of school policy, pressure from other parents, , lack of training, or misguided opinions unsupported by actual evidence or research.

Below are 25 signs your gifted child is misunderstood at school. These are evident when your child is...

1. expected to succeed just because she is gifted, without requiring additional instruction or resources beyond what is taught in the regular classroom

2. perceived as demanding just because he is curious, questions rules, and has strong opinions

3. not permitted to by subject or grade

4. not grouped with peers who possess similar abilities because administrators or other parents perceive this as elitist or exclusionary

5. allowed to read a novel during class because there are no challenging classroom activities

6. punished for reading a novel during class when there are no challenging classroom activities

7. required to "tutor" other students, resulting in alienation from peers, and possible teasing and bullying

8. singled out and recognized for being "so smart," resulting in alienation from peers, and possible teasing and bullying

9. blamed for her , even when it springs from chronic boredom and frustration with school

10. criticized when his social maturity lags behind his intellect

11. slapped with a label such as ADHD, "on the spectrum," or oppositional, without the qualifications to diagnose or an actual evaluation confirming it

12. told to wait and wait and wait... until the other students catch up

13. grouped with less able peers on group projects, with the expectation that she will help the other students with the assignment

14. forced to participate in so-called gifted "enrichment" activities that are neither relevant nor meaningful to him (e.g., trips to museums, musicals), since these somehow fulfill the school's "requirements" for having a gifted program

15. expected to take all honors and AP classes in high school, regardless of her interest in specific subjects

16. chastised for expressing enthusiasm over an accomplishment (e.g., "hey, I solved this math problem!") since it "might make other students feel bad"

17. overlooked when it is time for awards, especially if she has subject accelerated, as teachers "forget" to consider her during awards nominations

18. expected to believe that mixed ability classrooms are truly beneficial even when he clearly senses the fallacy of that argument

19. told that her educational needs are not as important as those of struggling or less able students

20. routinely given A's, even when the grade is achieved with little effort

21. never given an opportunity to work hard at school, develop study skills, strategic planning abilities, or learn from failure experiences

22. offered "extra" homework, assignments and worksheets to supplement the regular classwork

23. chastised for not acting as smart as he should, given his intellectual abilities

24. not given the for searching and applying for specific colleges that might truly challenge and inspire her

25. expected to fit in with all children his age, even though his advanced intellect, heightened sensitivities, overexcitabilities, attunement to social justice issues, and possible make it difficult

Sound familiar?

What can you do when many of the above inevitably occur?

• First, to what your child needs most and identify what is necessary in each situation. Sometimes, this means contacting the school and and administrators. Other times, it is better to step back, since involvement might create more problems, upset your child, or result in backlash. This is especially true for older children. Sometimes offering your child emotional support, coping strategies, ideas for self-advocacy, and resources outside of school may be the most effective approach.

• Get involved with advocacy on a macro level. Often, working on changing the structure of how gifted education is delivered will help both your child and the lives of many other children. Join local and state gifted organizations, enlist other parents of gifted children to develop advocacy goals, form a parent group, and learn as much as possible from sites such as , , and .

• Make changes if necessary. If your child is distressed, miserable or languishing in an educational system that cannot meet his or her needs, get help. If it is financially possible, some parents find alternative options, such as , cyber schools, charter schools or . If affordable, find activities outside of school that are meaningful and challenging. If your child is anxious, depressed, or acting out, . What is most important is staying attuned to your child's needs, and deciding when to intervene.

What signs can you add to the list above? And what have you done to help your child? Let us know in the comments section below!

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Disciplining the Sensitive Child

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My firstborn is a highly sensitive child. I didn’t realize this fact until he was three, and I didn’t fully understand it until he was four and a half when I read Ted Zeff’s book,  Without the knowledge and understanding of my son’s sensitivity, I disciplined him in ways that damaged his self-esteem and our bond.

This is, in fact, the very reason I began to research parenting philosophies and landed, eventually, on positive parenting. It was because I could see pain and sadness in his eyes during time-out that I eventually rejected traditional discipline tactics and chose gentle discipline instead.

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, Elaine Aron, Ph.D. says, “HSCs need to be corrected and disciplined, but unless you know how to do it properly, your child is likely to take your correction as global messages about his worth.” Sensitive children tend to be very self-critical, so parental criticism is an especially hard blow, though truthfully criticism isn’t good for any child and is one of .

Aron says, “HSCs process their mistakes so thoroughly, they punish themselves” and this is what I noticed when my son, then three years old, was corrected with a typical reprimand such as “don’t do that, I said no” and a traditional time-out. Because sitting there hurt him too much emotionally, he often tried to get up and reconnect, which I viewed as defiance and put him back in the chair. When he did sit still, he cried huge tears and the expression on his face was heartbreaking. Thankfully after a short time of this, I listened to my intuition and found better solutions for my sensitive child.

Discipline to Avoid

1. Avoid shaming.

Sensitive children are particularly sensitive to shaming. “You naughty child” or “why can’t you get it right” may seem like mild correction, but to sensitive children, these words can be devastating.

2. Avoid teasing.

Some families use teasing as lighthearted fun, but the sarcastic messages which are almost always imbedded in the teasing will not be lost on a sensitive child. “Uh-oh, Emma is baking cookies. Hold your ears! The smoke detector will be going off any minute!”

3. Avoid .

For every child, and especially HSCs. 

4. Avoid isolating or withdrawing warmth and love.

Time-out is a popular discipline tactic where a child is sent to a chair or specific spot away from everyone else until he is “ready to behave.” We now know that to teach any child, but again, HSCs are particularly sensitive to the harm it does.

5. Avoid being permissive.

Don’t avoid correcting your sensitive child out of fear of hurting her feelings. Loving correction that is not harsh or shaming will not damage her but will help her to reach her fullest potential.

Discipline to Favor

1. Change your tone of voice for correction.

For sensitive children, a correction given in a serious tone of voice is often enough to deter the behavior. Because they want to please their caregivers, knowing they stepped out of line is distressing and will cause them to correct their behavior.

2. Connect before your correct

A good rule of thumb for all children but is especially important for the sensitive child because if they perceive a threat, they will shut down quickly. Reassure her that you are on her side and will help her solve the problem.

3. Replace time-out for .

Because it is best to avoid isolating sensitive children to a time-out chair, time-in is a good alternative whereby you take the child to a calming area, help him to calm down if needed (calm brains absorb lessons) and then discuss why the behavior was unacceptable and what he can do instead.          ..

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Staying Close in the Digital Age

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It is the age of being superficially known by hundreds and deeply known by no one, or by very few. We are virtually connected for much of the day, but our heart-to-heart connections are suffering - yet being known and accepted as we are, not as what we portray on social media, being seen and loved and valued at home, not seen and liked and noticed online, being connected to real people – these are what sustain us.

I understand the struggle of staying close when everything is pulling at our attention. My sons have iPads and Kindle Fires and X-Box systems. I have an online business. The pull is ever present, seeking to draw us into the online world and away from the blessings right in front of us.

I was struck by a passage in the book  by Sally and Sarah Clarkson.

It says this, “If my awareness of space is concentrated on a screen, my home will reflect the absence of my attention, my creativity, and ultimately, my love.”

I think the conversation about screen time has been had many times already. How much screen time should children be allowed? Are parents too addicted to their phones? Just as we have become accustomed to doing, we scan these articles quickly, throw in our two cents in a depthless online conversation with strangers, comment about how ironic it is that we read such a piece on our phones, and move on to the next bit of information grappling for our attention.

For many, I see defenses swiftly raised, quick to defend the right to take a short break from the constant demands of parenthood. For others, pangs of guilt are expressed and then forgotten. But do we give careful, deep consideration to how this digital age is affecting our intimate relationships at home? Those who express a desire to change often feel hopeless to be able to effect it. The problem feels too big for us, too ingrained, and with so little control over the allure of the world wide web, we accept that this is the age we are living in.

But hope remains. If you haven’t heard of the Facebook page, , do visit it. Rachel, and her , are a beacon of hope for “letting go of distraction to grasp what truly matters.” Together, Rachel, Sally, and Sarah have inspired me to make the following changes in my own home.

These are not necessarily the changes you need to make, but rather this is an invitation to ponder deeply about the effects this digital age is having on you, personally, on your children individually, on your partner, on your relationships, and on your heart-to-heart connections. This is an invitation to make the changes that lead to your own best life.

1. Designate device-free times throughout the day.

I used to grab my phone and check social media before I got out of bed. Now I reach for it only to turn on instrumental music to start my day to. This is a discipline, and there are still times I must occasionally check it early for my business, but I can tell a big difference in my peace of mind and mood when I begin my day scouring the endless feeds versus listening to music, tasting my coffee, and doodling in my journal. There is also no devices during dinner or during school work (unless we are using them for educational purposes).

2. Limit the time you and your family spend on the internet.

My sons have things they like to watch online, but I only allow this between such and such times each day. Before I made this a rule, they’d want to be on it from afternoon to bedtime, and I can tell a difference in their moods as well when they’ve had too much screen time.

3. Fill up the empty spaces with connecting activities.

If you just say, “No devices after 6 pm!” and don’t give them anything to do, children will become extremely bored and push against your limit. The goal isn’t just less screen time, but more time to connect heart-to-heart, so fill those spaces with reading books aloud as a family, board games, cards, making art, dancing, making music, playing ball, etc.

4. Do things online together.

You can make screen time a connecting time if you spend it having fun with your child. Play a video game together or watch something online with your child. You should see the Minecraft castle I built. My kids were impressed.

5. Educate your children.

Not only about the dangers of being online, but also how it affects their relationships, emotions, and brains.  is about internet safety.

6. Talk to your kids.

I think every parent should read this post, called  and have this conversation with your children.

7. Check out this summit.

Join about parenting in the digital age with such respected names as Susan Stiffelman, author of Presence Parenting, and Dr. Dan Siegel, author of No-Drama Discipline.

8. Be a good role model.

The most important thing that you’ll “tell” your children about the importance of the online world is what you live.

*This article was originally published at

Rebecca Eanes, is the founder of  and creator of  She is the author of 3 books. Her newest book,, will be released on June 7, 2016 and is available for pre-order now.  and a co-authored book,  are both best-sellers in their categories on Amazon. She is the grateful mother to 2 boys. 

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7 Tips for Transitioning to Positive Parenting

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So, you’re tired of the disconnection and power struggles that traditional parenting techniques bring and you’re ready to give positive parenting an honest go, . But you’re not sure where to start. If you’re a  to positive parenting, these tips should help ease the transition.

Tip #1: Reframe Parenting Goals and Roles

It’s really helpful to get out of the mindset that you must control your child’s behavior. That’s an exhausting endeavor, and a feat you’ll never accomplish because, in the end, the only person you can ever really control is yourself. The goal of positive parenting is to raise thoughtful children with a strong sense of what is good and right and the inspiration and self-discipline to reach their highest potential.

That means your role is model, encourager, and mentor. I like to say I went from punisher to healer. Rather than punishing my child when his behavior got off track, I looked for the inner hurt that was causing his bad behavior and did my best to heal that hurt, whether it was disconnection, tiredness, hunger, or frustration.

Tip #2: Reframe Discipline

I’ve come to think of discipline in a different way. As I was trying to set a daily rhythm for our , my plans kept failing. I’d start the school year off with a bang, but several weeks in, our routine would slip, I would be less consistent with sticking to my predetermined schedule, and frustration would creep in. I realized I needed more discipline to keep a tight, consistent routine for the long haul. Did this mean I needed someone to come and sit me in a corner when I got off schedule? Of course not!

What I needed was inner motivation and better time management skills, not punishment. I think of discipline in the same way now for my children. My goal is always to teach them how to govern themselves – their emotions, spaces, time, behavior, etc. Therefore, I ask “what does he need right now to build self-discipline?” The answer has never been an arbitrary punishment.

Tip #3: Get Ahold of Yourself

This is probably the most challenging aspect of positive parenting, controlling your own thoughts, words, and actions. Old patterns are difficult to break, and you may find that you slip back into negative thinking, , or a desire to punish often.

Like everything, practice makes you better. The more you choose a helpful or positive thought over a toxic thought or to step away and take a deep breath when you’re angry, the easier it will become for your brain to take that new pathway.

Tip #4: Get Your Partner On Board

This is such a huge subject that I wrote a whole  about it. (Go ahead and pre-order it!) You can’t control your partner either, but you can inspire and influence him/her. Explain the  behind your change of parenting, your goals, and your new plan. Make sure your partner understands that this is  (a common worry I hear). Start by having a discussion to answer the following questions (taken from my book,).

1. I feel that my partner is a good parent because____.
2. I feel that my role as a parent is to ___.
3. My parents were ___ and I feel that was ___.
4. It’s most important to me for my child to be ___.

These questions provide a good jumping off point to find your common ground. I recommend posing the question and taking turns answering each one and then letting the conversation flow.    .

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What keeps women from STEM careers?

Women are consistently underrepresented in STEM (science, technology, engineering, math) fields, despite efforts to encourage and recruit them. For example, reported that while 74% of middle school girls were interested in STEM subjects, only .3% eventually majored in computer science. have found that only 18% of computer science graduates and 12% of engineers are women.

What stops girls and young women from pursuing math and science interests in high school, college and in their careers?

1. Widespread in both educational settings and the workforce. This includes overt, subtle and , , and regarding women's abilities in math or science. Women may be seen as less capable, less committed to their careers (especially once they have children), and they are expected to prove themselves repeatedly to gain respect. Women may be perceived as hard workers, but not as bright as men, who are viewed as " They also are .

2. Assumptions about math anxiety. Due to their heightened sensitivity, girls are affected by both their and their  about math. They may believe others' negative views about their abilities, and develop that is inconsistent with their actual performance, yet still holds them back.

3. Less practice with toys and games that improve spatial skills. Most girls do not gravitate toward activities requiring spatial abilities to the same degree as boys, giving boys an edge with these skills as they mature. A recent article suggested that girls would benefit from a greater emphasis on developing starting in childhood. Since the 1980's, boys have spent more time playing computer games, and this corresponds with a in the number of women entering the computer science field. The  is an attempt to counteract this trend and stimulate interest in technology among girls.

4. Lack of confidence in their own abilities. Girls lose confidence in their math and science capabilities starting at a young age, avoid taking more difficult math courses, and often  especially in math. One  found that 60% of 12-year-old girls assumed STEM subjects would be too difficult for them. And feeling confident and for one's math abilities has been associated with choosing a career in math or science.  described how women often attribute their success to luck or effort, and any failure to lack of ability or an internal flaw. They also consistently underestimate their performance, and expect perfection before they promote themselves in the workforce.

What are some other roadblocks?

Given these barriers, it is remarkable how many women actually remain on track for a career in STEM. And addressing these difficulties is critical to closing the gender gap. But are there other factors that also contribute to these roadblocks?

One intriguing possibility was proposed by and colleagues. They identified interests and preferences - not confidence or math ability - as reasons why fewer women pursue STEM, reporting that this accounted for 83% of the gender differences in choosing IT as a career. Women in their study were identified as less concerned with inanimate systems, and more interested in working with plants, animals or people.

In another article,  claimed that women make an active decision to turn down STEM career options. She critiqued the  findings regarding the limited number of women in STEM careers, and commented that:

"Starting from the assumption that anything predominantly "male" is the desirable standard, the AAUW report never questions why women should choose technical fields over other disciplines, except to echo the sixties era notion that any ratio that tilts towards male must reflect something worth having."

Pinker also suggested that women differ from men, as they may be less willing to sacrifice their personal interests for salary or tolerate the frequently required job relocations, and may want to focus on people and the arts rather than objects. She noted that the AAUW report:

"...rarely questions how many women are actually that keen to sign on to all aspects of male-typical STEM careers; to wit, frequent moves, prioritizing salary and promotions over personal happiness, or sacrificing one's deep interests in other fields, say in history, human development, or public policy - all in order to fix, sell or distribute widgets..."

Ultimately, everyone must choose a career path, and this may mean sacrificing some of these "deep interests" for one that pays the bills. However, Pinker raises some key points that are relevant to gifted women who work best when intrinsically motivated, long to feel passionate about their work and seek meaning in what they do.

Gifted girls and STEM

Gifted girls are attuned to a deep sense of starting from an early age. As women, they often thrive in a collaborative, supportive environment. Friendly, as opposed to cut-throat, competition is enlivening, and knowing their efforts are in service of some greater good fulfills a sense of mission and meaning. If they are going to "fix, sell or distribute widgets," those widgets ought to be developed through a collaborative team effort, designed with an intense creative focus, and serve a useful and worthy cause.

Another  supports this perspective, and points to the importance of enlisting girls' sense of purpose and desire to effect meaningful change:

"Girls want to change the world. 

Eighty-eight percent say they want to make a difference with their lives, and 90 percent express a desire to help people, according to the Girl Scouts' 'Generation STEM' research. Girls have traditionally achieved this goal through people-oriented careers rather than through applying technology and scientific expertise to change the way things are done. 

However, if more girls learn that STEM careers open up new avenues to help and serve, more girls will choose STEM."

Finding meaning and connection 

Women have a relational need for connection. This concept has been highlighted through the work of . They have proposed that people grow through and toward relationships, and women develop a sense of self-in-relation to others. How women relate to others is essential to who they are and how they feel about themselves.

This fundamental relational element may have been overlooked in the frenzy to engage girls' interest in robotics, coding and the lab. While it is essential to address the widespread gender bias in STEM fields, the unfair and inaccurate assumptions about girls' math abilities, and the low self-esteem that can impede girls' efforts, it is just as critical to engage this relational, collaborative, and altruistic component of many girls' sense of self. Otherwise, working with systems, numbers and objects may seem too isolated, abstract, and devoid of meaning to warrant their efforts. And gifted girls with and an array of choices may readily dismiss the path toward a STEM career unless they view it as potentially fulfilling and meaningful. Parents and educators must consider this necessary component of girls' identity if they wish to encourage their involvement in math and science fields.

In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on March Mathness. To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link: .

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Why do smart girls develop eating disorders?

Parents of gifted girls might wonder how "smart" girls could develop an eating disorder. Doesn't their intelligence, insight and maturity somehow insulate them from developing these devastating problems?

And are they more or less likely than others to have a problem with their eating?

It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, a time to spread the word about identification and treatment. (See below for resources and an online screening tool)* The hallmark features of eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder include:

• a preoccupation with food, weight and body image

• an unhealthy change in eating patterns, such as restrictive eating, compulsive overeating, or a cycle of binge eating and compensatory attempts to prevent weight gain through the use of purging behaviors or excessive exercise

• psychological effects, such as obsessive thinking, anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, a distorted body image, and shame and secrecy about the disorder

• medical complications, including extreme weight loss (or gain), cessation of menstrual periods, gastrointestinal disturbances, electrolyte imbalance

Eating disorders tend to emerge during middle school and high school, but symptoms may start much earlier, or can  in life. It is  that the prevalence of anorexia is 1% and bulimia is 4%. Men also can be diagnosed with an eating disorder (approximately 5-10% of individuals with anorexia and 10-20% with bulimia are male). And although much more common among white middle-class society, where young women's self-esteem is battered by pop culture's images of unattainable thinness, most women do not develop eating disorders. Similarly, dieting often triggers the onset of eating disordered symptoms; however, cutting calories rarely progresses to a serious problem for the millions of women who diet (despite its and the emotional toll of the weight loss/weight gain cycle - but that's another topic). In fact,  noted that 91% of college women reported dieting at least once.

So then, why do smart girls develop eating disorders?

Because...

They cannot help it. They don't choose to have an eating disorder - just as no one chooses depression, alcoholism or diabetes. Recent research has linked eating disorders to , heritable causes, and differences in . Responses to are different for some girls with anorexia, and once malnutrition sets in, judgment and decision-making become impaired. And factors such as traumatic stress and developmental transitions are necessary triggers for symptoms to emerge. But intelligence and giftedness play no role in either preventing or warding off symptoms.

Because...

They may have had traumatic experiences that prime them to develop an eating disorder. While a genetic/biochemical predisposition may be necessary, many individuals with eating disorders have a history of sexual abuse or severe physical abuse, often accompanied by depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Although counterintuitive, gaining control over eating is often an attempt to manage memories of abuse and achieve mastery over feelings of helplessness.

Because...

They may have traits in common with individuals who also have eating disorders. Some gifted girls and those with eating disorders may be intensely sensitive and emotional; they also may be overthinkers, driven and . If there is a genetic/biochemical predisposition to develop an eating disorder, along with life event triggers, these "gifted" traits may get channeled into obsessive thoughts about food and a drive to achieve an unrealistic weight. Some may feel overwhelmed by their heightened sensitivity and reactivity, and eating disorder symptoms might seem to provide temporary relief.

Because...

They may have coexisting problems, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, drug or alcohol problems, or self-harming behaviors. They did not choose these either. But struggling with additional psychological distress, as well as possible family, peer or relationship crises, makes it more likely that an eating disorder might develop. Sometimes the obsessive focus on restrictive eating and weight loss, or the almost addictive-like feel of the binge-purge cycle, can be a relief, a distraction and an outlet from even more overwhelming life stressors and emotions.

Because...

They may feel like outliers and misfits, excluded and isolated from their peers, sometimes subject to teasing and bullying. In an effort to gain popularity and fit in, some gifted girls resort to dieting or restrictive eating to achieve an idealized appearance. For some, dieting transitions into more serious eating disordered behavior. 

One  suggested that a high proportion of individuals with eating disorders also may be gifted. The author based this statement on her clinical impressions as a psychologist, but acknowledged that there was no research to back up her claim. Without additional research, it may be premature to speculate on the prevalence of women with eating disorders who are gifted. 

However, what seems more relevant is to question how eating disorders affect gifted people and how their giftedness affects their treatment and recovery.

• How do social and emotional characteristics of giftedness, such as heightened sensitivity, asynchronous development, or perfectionism play a role?

• How do childhood experiences, such as difficulty finding like-minded peers, feeling misunderstood, and possibly being bullied contribute to their symptoms? 

• Are they using the eating disorder, for example, as a defense against fear of taking academic risks, underlying existential depression, or indecision over which career path to take? 

• Are gifted individuals better able to "outsmart" treatment professionals so they can remain entrenched in their disorder?

Just as in every other area of their lives, their giftedness impacts who they are. And it will play a role in treatment and recovery. An understanding of giftedness is essential for family, friends, and treatment professionals in order to help any gifted individual struggling with an eating disorder.

How can you help your child (or friend, student or family member) if she has an eating disorder?

1. Insist that she get help. Don't take no for an answer. The sooner the eating disorder is treated, the less entrenched it will become, and the sooner she will be on her road to recovery. Outpatient treatment typically involves individual and family therapy, nutrition counseling, group support, and medical monitoring with a physician. If outpatient therapy is not enough, sometimes inpatient or day treatment programs are helpful for quickly intervening with symptoms and offering a jump start on recovery.

2. Find a comprehensive treatment team that includes a licensed therapist, registered dietitian and physician who specialize in eating disorders. Check with your pediatrician, school counselor, spiritual leader or other trusted sources for referrals. There are also some sites online, such as , that may provide some direction. Your insurance company may be the worst referral source, since they frequently offer random recommendations without regard to your specific needs. Trust your child's and your own instincts about a , even if the referral comes from someone you trust. This is an investment in your child's health, and all of you need to feel comfortable with whomever you choose.

3. Develop a plan if your child refuses therapy. If you have concerns about her health (e.g., weight loss, purging behaviors), take her to her pediatrician, who can evaluate her symptoms and inform her about the importance of treatment. If she still refuses, she might be more open to meeting with a registered dietitian, who can work with her collaboratively to develop a healthy meal plan. If she cannot follow the meal plan, then you have more authority in your claim that she needs treatment. See if other trusted adults in her life can speak with her about going to therapy. As a last resort, you could stage a form of intervention where you and other loved ones challenge her about your concerns and the need for treatment.

4. Get support for yourself.  While it is important to respect your child's privacy, ask her if you may speak with your closest family members and friends so that you can also receive support. When your child is struggling, you suffer as well.  If you need additional guidance, sometimes therapy, eating disorders support groups, or even online groups can be helpful. As difficult as it is, know that your involvement and concern sends a powerful message of support and encouragement to your child and aids in her eventual recovery.

*The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is offering a free online screening tool that you can access .

Websites filled with helpful information and resources about eating disorders:

 (eating disorders books)

In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:

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What causes gifted underachievement?

Why does your gifted child struggle in school?

Your child, once curious, energetic, overjoyed to learn, now has little interest in academics. As a parent, you stand by helplessly, saddened as you watch the spark disappear.

Gifted underachievers vary in . They may exert just enough effort to coast through school, and ignored because of average or even above average grades. They may become who choose to achieve only in classes they enjoy, Or they may give up completely, perform poorly, fail, or drop out.

Yet not every gifted child underachieves. All children, especially teens and , face peer pressure and heightened expectations; not all respond by losing their drive to succeed in school.

Then, why?

So, then why do some gifted students lose interest and underachieve when others stay focused?  Researchers and theorists have suggested various reasons for underachievement, some based on sound research, others based on clinical observation or theory (see several references below). Here are some findings:

1. Family dynamics - Family dysfunction, distress, conflict, inconsistent parenting, mixed messages about achievement, an absence of role models, excessive pressure to succeed, or either too much or not enough supervision - all may negatively impact a gifted child's drive to achieve. In families where parents are divided in their opinions about achievement, children may develop resentment about expectations, and may withdraw or rebel. If there is a high level of conflict at home, gifted children may become anxious, angry and preoccupied with the family struggle, and school may take a back seat. 

2. Individual traits - Various personal traits, behaviors and emotional reactions have been linked to gifted underachievers in research and observational studies. These include any of the following: insecurity, perfectionism and fear of making a mistake, conflict avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior, , and perceiving oneself as an These traits limit students' willingness to push themselves, care about their school work, risk failure or endure the envy of peers.

3. Sociocultural Issues - Peer pressure, the desire to "fit in," and cultural issues that discourage achievement all take their toll. Many gifted youth "dumb themselves down" to remain popular; others do this just to survive and protect themselves from . Gender role development plays a part, including boys' concerns about appearing strong, athletic and tough, and and desire to be popular and attractive - all quite different from the "gifted nerd" stereotypes. And some cultures discourage academic success, particularly for girls.

4. School Policy - Underidentification of giftedness, misconceptions about gifted students' abilities, and school policy that discourages universal screening or appropriate and meaningful education for gifted children all contribute to underachievement. Some gifted children become "involuntary underachievers," particularly those in lacking financial resources for gifted education. School policies that discourage enrichment, acceleration, ability grouping or creative alternatives to the mainstream curriculum deprive these students of the education they desperately need. Without the necessary complexity, depth and pace of learning, without like-minded peers, and without teachers who are trained to understand and teach gifted children, they quickly lose interest in learning, and disrespect their teachers and the school culture.

5. Teaching mismatch - Even though most teachers genuinely try to provide the best possible education, gifted students are frequently left behind. Many teachers lack training in gifted education and . Teachers who do not understand or who think all gifted students are high achievers, may assume unrealistically high expectations and become frustrated when students perform poorly. Some teachers place gifted children in the role of "junior instructor," expecting them to teach fellow students. When gifted students are singled out, their differences are highlighted even further, resulting in increased isolation from peers and possible bullying. And in many classrooms, gifted students are just left alone - it is assumed that they "will do just fine" and don't warrant the time and attention the rest of the class requires. Without school work that challenges them, they become bored, inattentive and discouraged. They also may become apathetic, afraid to take academic risks, and may never learn study skills or the value of hard work.

A perfect storm: Middle school 

Although some gifted children lose interest in academics early on, most underachieving gifted students don't start to disengage from learning until middle school and high school. At that point in their development, there is a perfect storm combining the following:

• An accumulation of apathy and disrespect for the system, built up after years of boredom, frustration and feeling that their intellectual needs were never understood, appreciated or challenged. School may seem boring and pointless, and they may refuse to consider any possible benefits it could offer; 

• Increasingly independent thinking, as they forge their own identities, formulate their own views, and develop distinct beliefs, often quite different from those of their families (fueled even more by their sharp intellect and questioning approach to just about everything);

• Developmental changes related to puberty, hormonal shifts, mood swings, and a heightened interest in sexual and dating relationships, which may take precedence over academics;

• Social pressure to conform and achieve popularity, prompting decisions regarding the necessity of fitting in, and whether to embrace or discard their gifted identity. If it is seen as a liability, many will "dumb themselves down" to gain acceptance.  And for some, especially those in inner city schools, conformity can be a matter of survival;

• Increased academic demands. Middle school provides an increasingly competitive, somewhat rigid environment, with higher expectations related to performance, less attention and support from teachers, fewer opportunities for creative expression, and less tolerance for quirks and divergence from the rules. Students also may encounter a difficult assignment for the first time - frequently a shock for those who had coasted through elementary school; 

• Awareness of their inadequacies. If they have not had an opportunity to fail at something in elementary school, they surely will by middle school. In addition to the social scene, often filled with pain and drama, gifted students start to realize that they are not going to be successful in every area of their lives. They may not be the best in every subject, may not get the highest grade, and may never be the most talented. While some can brush this off and move on, others may believe their identity is threatened, feel devastated and retreat. Fearful of taking risks, they may give up easily or become highly anxious before every exam. Since they never had to work hard before, they lack the study skills and strategic planning abilities others learned years earlier. 

Understanding must inform intervention

In order to address the roadblocks that can derail gifted students' performance, a thorough understanding of the possible reasons for underachievement is essential. 

For each child.

Every child is different, so offering sweeping generalizations about reasons for gifted underachievement does not benefit any particular individual child. The list of causes above is a starting point, but parents, teachers, counselors, physicians, school psychologists, therapists, and the child all need to sort out the unique and specific factors that are creating problems. Typically, more than one causal factor is involved, and resolving the problem requires intervention at many levels. But it is critical that a thorough understanding of the cause(s) must inform and drive any intervention. Your child will benefit from your close and attentive focus on what is contributing to the problem, with the hope that you and the school can intervene to quickly resolve it.

This blog post is the second in a three-part series about gifted underachievement. The first post: focused on forms of underachievement. Also, see . Stay tuned for the third post about interventions for underachievement in gifted children!

References:

Baker, J., Bridger, R., & Evans, K. (1998). Models of underachievement among gifted preadolescents: The role of personal, family, and school factors. Gifted Child Quarterly, 42, 5-15.

Clasen, D., & Clasen, R. (1995). Underachievement of highly able students and the peer society. Gifted and Talented International, 10, 67-76.

Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When gifted kids don't have all the answers: How to meet their social and emotional needs. Golden Valley, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Gurian, M. & Stevens, K. (2007). The minds of boys: Saving our sons from falling behind in school and life. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Hoover-Schultz, B. (2005). Gifted underachievement: Oxymoron or educational enigma? Gifted Child Today, 28, 46-49.
Kay, K. & Shipman, C. (2014, May). The Confidence Gap. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/the-confidence-gap/359815/

McCall R., Evahn, C., & Kratzer, L. (1992). High school underachievers: What do they achieve as adults?  Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

McCoach, D. & Siegle, D. (2001). Why try? Factors that differentiate underachieving gifted students from high achieving gifted students. Office of Educational Research and Improvement: Washington, DC. Retrieved from  .

Peterson, J. (2000). A follow-up study of one group of achievers and underachievers four years after high school graduation. Roeper Review, 22, 217-224.

Reis, S. (2002). Social and emotional issues faced by gifted girls in elementary and secondary school. The SENG Newsletter, 2, 1-5. Retrieved from .

Reis, S. & McCoach, D. (2000). The underachievement of gifted students: What do we know and where do we go? Gifted Child Quarterly, 44, 152-170. 

Siegle, D., & McCoach, D. B. (2005). Motivating gifted students. Waco, TX: Prufrock Press.

Smutney, J. (2004, Dec.). Meeting the needs of gifted underachievers - individually! 2e Newsletter. Retrieved from .

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If I’d Known Then …

Yesterday I read an about gifted children that was written over 10 years ago. It had deeply profound insights that could have made a world of difference in the life of one of my children. If I had known then what I know now … but I didn’t; and I can’t change the past.

My husband and I have been beating ourselves up lately about all the mistakes we made as parents; lamenting poor decisions; not advocating for our children more forcefully. We bought into the myth that things would ‘work out on their own’. After years of fighting the system, with limited resources; we eventually gave up.

But you know what? Kids do not come with an instruction manual. Most of us try to do the best we can for our children. Life has taught me … if nothing else … that as parents; we need to follow our instincts. We DO know our children best. Just because someone may interact with our child for a few hours a day does not give them the right to tell us how to parent our children; especially if they lack the training to understand gifted children.

I have been extremely fortunate through my work in the gifted community to meet and talk to many experts in the field of gifted education and ‘gifted’ in general. What I’ve come to realize is that it is extremely important when seeking help or advice to seek out professionals who are both gifted and understand what it means to be gifted

"Life has taught me … if nothing else … that as parents; we need to follow our instincts. We DO know our children best."

Unfortunately, professionals … be they educators, psychologists or therapists … are few and far between who truly ‘get’ us and our children. To this end, I did include a on this blog listing professionals who identify as working with gifted. However, the list is rather sparse for many areas.

The good news is that there are many resources (see below) readily available online for you to take advantage of today. It does take time, but I can’t emphasize enough the importance of doing so. For the most part, we are only given one shot at this parenting gig. Make the most of it! I have listed below some of the resources I have personally found most helpful.

As for my husband and I? We have decided to try to finally give ourselves a break and appreciate the joys and triumphs our children have experienced as young adults. The story is still unfolding and we are still involved enough in their lives to become the parents we’ve always wanted to be … not perfect ones … just parents who seek the best for their children. 

Resources:

Organizations: 

 

 

 

Books: 

 

 

 

 

Websites: 

Blogs: 

 

 

Speakers to Seek Out: Lisa Van Gemert, Ian Byrd, Patricia Gatto-Walden, Brian Housand, Joy Lawson Davis, Dan Peters, Sharon Duncan

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The Messages Behind Discipline

With every correction, I am giving my child a message about who he is.

Because children see themselves through the eyes of their parents, because what they see reflected in our eyes shapes who they become, because the truths they hold about themselves start as the truths we hold about them, there is perhaps no greater work than minding how we view our children and what messages we give them about who they are and what they’re worth.

The messages they get from us, particularly during correction, during the times we are not happy with their behavior or choices, influence their identities.

I was recently offered  to review which has sharpened my awareness to this fact. Module 1 of the course invites parents to think of the messages we send during discipline, and as I’ve been working through this myself, I realized that this is something worth sharing. Most times, our intentions as parents are very good.

We want our children to make good choices. We want them to be responsible, considerate, kind, thoughtful, diligent, and so on. In an effort to instill such qualities in them, we correct them when they go off course, as we should.

Yet, the way in which parents choose to correct often sends a message which is the opposite of what we are going for.

In an effort to get a child to be responsible, we send the clear message of “you are irresponsible.” To make a child be more kind, we give the message “you are not kind.” Then, we stand in awe as they continue to exhibit irresponsible and unkind behavior, not understanding that we planted the very seeds we didn’t want to see spring up.

Let’s say 9-year-old James knows that he is supposed to sweep the patio before he can ride his bike. His father, Ben, comes outside to find the patio filthy and James biking. He motions to James to come over, and tells him, “Why didn’t you sweep the patio like you were told? I’m tired of having to tell you to do something several times before it gets done. You never take responsibility.”

What Ben wants is to teach James responsibility. The message James gets is “you are irresponsible.” Clearly, the intent doesn’t match the message. To more effectively instill these values, our messages need to be consistent with our intent, and this all starts within our own minds.

If we view our children as selfish, aggressive, irresponsible, lazy, etc., we will often speak forth the negative thoughts we allow to swirl. As always, change begins within. As I’ve been going through the , I’ve been taking notes of some of the negative thoughts I’ve allowed to fester in my mind. Thoughts which have made their way out of my mouth at times. “You never shut the door behind you!” “Why can’t you ever sit still for 5 minutes?”

What’s the message behind these words? Do they build a positive identity or negative? “Please shut the door.” “Please try to sit still.” These are requests without the baggage, yet how easy it was to spew the negative message with my requests!

How could Ben have handled the situation with his son in a way that gave a positive message to James, or at least didn’t give a negative message?

“I asked you to sweep this off before you got on your bike. I’d like you do that now please.” He hands him the broom. “Thank you for doing that. I like seeing you be so responsible.”

Here are a few more examples:

Negative message: Don’t hurt your brother like that! That was naughty of you.

Positive message: Uh-oh, you lost your temper and hit your brother. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him. Come sit with me and I’ll help you get control.

Negative message: You need to stop crying and toughen up. It’s not a big deal. There are worse things in life!

Positive message: I can see you’re upset. How can I help?

Negative message: Whine, whine, whine. That’s all I ever hear from you! One more time, and you’ve lost television for the rest of the day!

Positive message: You’re a big girl now with a big girl voice. Let me hear your big girl voice so I can understand you better.

Negative message: Why can’t you be more like your sister? She works hard and passed all her classes.

Positive message: It looks like you’ve been struggling in this class. What can we do to help you succeed?

A subtle shift in our words makes a large impact on how our children view themselves. Don’t be fooled into thinking harsh words somehow motivate children to do better. Gracious words that encourage and build up, even during – especially during – times of correction will have a far more positive impact on who our children grow to be.

*This article was originally published at

Rebecca Eanes, is the founder of  and creator of  She is the author of 3 books. Her newest book,, will be released on June 7, 2016 and is available for pre-order now.  and a co-authored book,  are both best-sellers in their categories on Amazon. She is the grateful mother to 2 boys. 

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Who is the gifted underachiever? Four types of underachievement in gifted children

There is a pervasive myth that all gifted people are high achievers.

But many are not.

Most young gifted children are a ball of energy, full of life, curious, intense, and driven. Then reality sets in. They confront the limitations of school, peer pressure, others' expectations and their own fears, and some scale back their drive. Their intrinsic love of learning seems to vanish overnight.

Underachievement may develop gradually, with less effort expended on homework, tests or projects. Or it can start abruptly. A gifted child, once actively engaged in school, might lose all interest and motivation. Examples of underachievement include risk-aversion, cutting corners on assignments, a refusal to study, or angry rejection of the school culture.

Gifted underachievers are a widely diverse group of children (and adults), whose behavior springs from multiple sources. Some underachievement reflects emotional distress, family problems, or the effects of peer pressure; other times, it develops primarily in response to boredom and an absence of challenging academics. Some underachievement is more easily recognized, such as when a child starts failing at school, but sometimes it is more subtle and is overlooked.

Why are gifted underachievers so hard to identify?

Although underachievement might seem obvious, gifted underachievers may remain hidden. Many students are not identified as gifted, their giftedness is masked by a learning disability or other , or they may not fit the "gifted child stereotype," (i.e., the well-behaved, highly verbal, slightly nerdy student who ). As they get older, they may hide their giftedness to fit in, and as long as they are not disruptive, may be ignored. Their subpar achievement may not be recognized because they can often coast through school and receive adequate grades without exerting much effort.

Researchers also have struggled to agree upon a clear definition of gifted underachievement. Difficulties include the differences across studies in terms of definitions of both giftedness and achievement. The criteria and cut-offs used to identify giftedness or gifted programs have varied, with some studies using a wide range of test scores, and others settling for placement in a gifted class. And defining achievement is even more difficult. Questions arise regarding whether to use achievement tests, grades, teacher ratings, or some other measure of progress, along with whether to assess improvement based upon objective criteria over time, or on the difference between actual achievement and the child's potential. And how do you define potential, anyway?

Despite these theoretical and practical difficulties, researchers have settled upon the following criteria for defining underachievement:

1. A discrepancy between ability and achievement
2. Must have persisted for at least a year
3. Not due to a physical, mental or learning disability

This very basic criteria is only a start and does not convey the complexity and diversity of gifted underachievers. Researchers have offered more detailed information based on investigative studies, theories of gifted underachievement, and classroom or clinical observation (see references below as examples). Based on the literature, a picture of several types of gifted underachievers has emerged.

So, who is the gifted underachiever?

One way to understand different types of gifted underachievers is to consider four categories of underachievement:

1. Involuntary underachievers

These are students who would like to succeed, but are trapped in schools that are underfunded, poorly staffed or unable to meet their needs. Frequently a problem in , these gifted students are often bored, distracted, and may be completely unaware of what might be available through a more comprehensive, enriched education. Many are as gifted or offered gifted education. Some of these students may be hard-working, but never have an opportunity to excel. Others may coast through school, give up, or act out due to boredom. These students' underachievement results from an absence of available options and is not caused by personal, family or peer conflicts.

2. Classic underachiever

These gifted underachievers underperform in all areas of study. They have given up on school... and on themselves. Their underachievement typically starts in , although there may be signs of boredom or depression that manifest in elementary school. They are often angry, apathetic, rebellious, or withdrawn. Given their intellect, they often espouse a host of "logical" reasons for refusing to exert themselves, and resist parents' or teachers' efforts to encourage, prod, or coerce. School faculty may give up in frustration, pointing out the "waste of potential," and worry that they have "lost" these children.

3. Selective Underperformers

These underachievers are active consumers - they choose to excel only in areas that interest them or within classes where they like and respect their teacher. Otherwise, they exert little effort. They view school like a Sunday buffet, where they can select what they want and ignore the rest. Gifted underachievers as "" is a concept first identified by Jim Delisle, and describes the very independent path these students take. While involvement in what they enjoy still creates some challenge, their refusal to achieve in other classes limits their academic development and sets an unhealthy precedent for future learning. It also may affect their grades and opportunities for college or career.

4. Underachievers under-the-radar

Gifted "" are frequently overlooked, and sometimes even mistaken for high achievers. These are the exceptionally gifted students who coast through school, often receiving average to high average grades, but who fail to reach their potential. Given their performance, their lack of effort often goes unrecognized and they are rarely encouraged to challenge themselves. Consequently, they may never learn how to take on academic risks, experience and learn from failure, or develop resilience. These life lessons often occur much later - in college or at work - where they may feel blindsided because of lack of preparation.

Recognizing the different ways gifted underachievers may present their difficulties is a first step toward understanding them and finding an appropriate intervention. Certainly, prevention is ideal whenever possible. Although some situations may not be avoidable, such as a family crisis or an innate tendency toward depression, many precursors could be remedied, particularly when they involve changes within the schools. Early identification of giftedness, providing gifted services, and allowing these students to accelerate or study along with other gifted peers is a first step toward providing the stimulating, creative and engaging education they need.

This blog post is Part One of a three-part series on Gifted Underachievers.  and Part Three will cover interventions. Stay tuned!

References:

Baker, J., Bridger, R., & Evans, K. (1998). Models of underachievement among   gifted preadolescents: The role of personal, family, and school factors. Gifted Child Quarterly, 42, 5-15.

Clasen, D., & Clasen, R. (1995). Underachievement of highly able students and   the peer society. Gifted and Talented International, 10, 67-76.
Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When gifted kids don't have all the answers: How to meet their social and emotional needs. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Emerick, L. (1992). Academic underachievement among the gifted: Students’ perceptions of factors that reverse the pattern. Gifted Child Quarterly, 36,140-     146.

McCall R., Evahn, C., & Kratzer, L. (1992). High school underachievers: What do they achieve as adults?  Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

McCoach, D. & Siegle, D. (2001). Why try? Factors that differentiate underachieving gifted students from high achieving gifted students. Office of Educational Research and Improvement: Washington, DC. Retrieved from  .

Olszewski-Kubilius, P. & Clarenbach, J. (2012). Unlocking Emergent Talent: Supporting High Achievement of Low-Income, High-Ability Students. National Association for Gifted Children: Washington, DC.

Peterson, J. (2000). A follow-up study of one group of achievers and underachievers four years after high school graduation. Roeper Review, 22, 217-224.

Reis, S. & McCoach, D. (2000). The underachievement of gifted students: What do we know and where do we go? Gifted Child Quarterly, 44, 152-170. 

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Other Achievement. To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:
.

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