The Social and Emotional Needs of Gifted Parents

Yes … you read that right! The experts love to discuss the social and emotional needs of gifted children, but what about their parents? Sometimes they are ‘included’ in an article about social- emotional needs, but only concerning how it relates to their children. Bah.

Where do I begin? Talk to any parent of a gifted child and you hear … all about how gifted their child is. That’s it? What about you? You do have needs, too. Being a good parent to a gifted child can only be enhanced by discovering and meeting your own needs along the way.

Here’s how the story often goes: baby is born; baby discovers Socratic learning; pre-school years arrive and it appears the child doesn't quite fit in; child is assessed with uncommon abilities … parents left wondering (for the most part) … how did this happen? Parents begin down the path of discovering exactly what it means to be gifted. Surprise! It’s suddenly apparent that they are on a parallel path … to self-discovery.

It’s one thing to have a social-emotional child. It is quite another to be a parent with unmet social-emotional needs and try to parent that child. Society is quick to judge perceived ‘bad parenting’, but it has even greater disdain for parents of gifted children who don't get it right.

So what’s a parent to do? Let’s check in with the few experts who do understand that it’s a tough job parenting these kids. Since they're experts, it’s a sure bet a few strategies have been devised to deal with the situation.

Strategy No. 1: Hit the books and the Google before it’s too late! Since it would be a bit presumptuous to start during birthing classes, the next best thing would be to learn all you can about ‘giftedness’ once it has been determined that your child is showing signs of accelerated development … the sooner; the better.

Strategy No. 2: Find a peer group. How do you do that? Often times, other adult gifted people do not admit they are gifted or simply do not know it. That makes the search for peers rather difficult. The best place to start is with groups … online groups found in places like Facebook, Twitter, SENG, and offline groups such as state gifted organizations with local affiliates and gifted parent support groups.

Strategy No. 3: Admit your own giftedness. You don’t need an IQ test to realize that you are different. The Institute for the Study of Advanced Development has a fantastic that will make identification fairly simple. A few of the characteristics listed there include: out-of-sync with others; overwhelmed by interests; passionate, intense feelings; and love intense discussions.

Have I piqued your interest? It is as important to discover and work to meet your own needs as it is to do the same for your child. It will make you a better person and a better parent. Understanding who you are and why you are that way will bring hope and enjoyment into your life. You will no longer be defined by what you feel others think about you. Now, isn't that reason enough to start down the road to self-discovery?

I've included a few links below to get you started:

“” by Stephanie Tolan 

“” by Deirdre V. Lovecky 

“” by Stephanie Tolan 

“” (book) by Willem Kuipers 

“” by Willem Kuipers

“” (click filename) by Andrew S. Mahoney

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A Disturbance in the Force

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force ... "

~ Obi-Wan

It has been an extraordinary week in the gifted community … a national convention in the U.S., a new major book on giftedness released and a major name-change for a national organization in the U.K. Where to begin?

If you live in the U.S. and are involved in the gifted community, you are well aware that the National Association for Gifted Children (NAGC) met in Denver, Colorado for its 59^th Annual Convention, ‘Reaching Beyond the Summit’.

In the most recent edition of Compass Points (the NAGC’s weekly electronic newsletter), Executive Director, Nancy Green, commented that their “total registration is higher than we've seen in six years” for the convention. It is interesting to note that this year it was billed as a Joint Annual Professional Conference in conjunction with the National Consortium of Specialized Secondary Schools in Math, Science and Technology. (NCSSSMST – aka, the record holder for the longest name of an organization … ever!) There was also a Parent Conference held concurrently for one day.

In contrast to what this blog was told after last year’s conference by a source within the NAGC (“I assure you that NAGC is not suddenly changing course or taking off in another direction.”), it appears that the transition to ‘talent development’ is now the de facto position of this organization.

For the past year, I have watched this transformation as Paula Olszewski-Kubilius and others proselytized their new way forward by appearing at gifted conferences worldwide and in print. Before the ‘sure to follow’ comments are made, I am not taking a position; but merely making an observation. I have included links at the end of this post to back up my statement.*

On the other side of the aisle – the imminent (not to be confused with eminent) publication of a new book ~ Off the Charts ~ was also announced this week (a brief selection may be found ). Edited by Christine S. Neville, Michael M. Piechowski and Stephanie Tolan, the book has an amazing line-up of contributing authors including the late Annemarie Roeper (who sadly passed away this year), Linda Kreger Silverman, Patricia Gatto-Walden and Ellen Fiedler (a full list can be found ).

According to Stephanie Tolan on her blog, ,

“Last year at the national conference of the National Association for Gifted

Children (just a few months more than 20 years after that first Columbus Group

meeting) the suggestion was made in the presidential address that the field of

gifted education should unify its disparate viewpoints by adopting Talent

Development, with its clear attention to the issue of extraordinary achievement,

as the single driver of both this field’s educational programming and its research.  

So it was that members of the Columbus Group, that has continued to meet 

throughout these two decades, decided it was an important time to put out a

book to remind the field of the critical “other side” (the inside) of giftedness,

which is part of the gifted individual’s experience whether in or out of school,

whether achieving in the eyes of the world at any given moment or not!”

It will be interesting to watch as this scenario is played out. Will the field of gifted education finally become unified or has a schism grown so wide that both sides will decide to part ways? Perhaps someone should ask the kids what they think. How presumptuous of us as adults to define this population at all.

In the U.K., yet another announcement was made by a major gifted education group this week; the .

"Welcome to Potential Plus UK. Welcome to the website of the National

Association for Gifted Children. We are an independent charity which works

with the whole family to support the child who is gifted and talented. We

hope this website helps you with the support you need.

At our AGM on 27th October 2012, members unanimously voted to change

our name to Potential Plus UK. Over the next two months, you will see our

website starting to change in time for our relaunch on 4th Feb 2013."

The author of this comment seemed to be intimating that the term ‘gifted’ had caused the group to lose support in recent years. The term ‘potential’ was more culturally palatable.

And there you have it; an extraordinary week ~ may the Force be with you!

*Aforementioned references:

Paula Olszewski-Kubilius, speaker at , William & Mary College, March 2012. 

Edited by Rena F. Subotnik, Ann Robinson, Carolyn M. Callahan, and E. Jean Gubbins. April 2012 

 Response to Borland: , The Creativity Post, 7/4/2012. 

Rena Subotnik, at the 13^th Biennial ECHA Conference, September 2012

(This blog was adapted from the Psychological Science and the Public Interest article “Rethinking Giftedness and Gifted Education”), Guest blog by Frank C. Worrell, Paula Olszewski-Kubilius and Rena F. Subotnik, Scientific American, 11/2/2012. 

“Talent Development: A Framework for Our Work With Gifted Children”, The Signature Series, 59^thAnnual NAGC Convention, November 15 – 18, 2012. Moderator: Paula Olszewski-Kubilius.

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Just My Imagination

When I was in high school, I wrote a paper for a Creative Writing class based on the classic song by The Temptations, “It Was Just My Imagination”. At the time, I was fascinated by the thought that our own imagination can be one of our greatest sources of inspiration. I was reminded of this after recently reading a blogpost, by Stephanie Tolan on her blog, The Deep End.

These words were most inspiring from Stephanie as she expressed her hope for her blog, “The story told here will be one of possibility, of hope, and of radical trust that the children we are doing our best to support have what they need not just to survive as individuals, but to venture out to the edge of the web we’re all connected to and take us beyond our current expectations.”

It made me reflect on my own role as parent and advocate. And then the flood of questions came to mind … “What will be my children’s moral inheritance from me?” “How can I inspire them to envision a brighter future?” “How does one nurture a feeling of hope?”

And then … *poof* … twenty minutes later, I realized that my imagination had been running away with me. A trip down memory lane was serving to provide me with inspiration for this blogpost.

As parents, we do the best we can to raise our children as best we know. It is only years later through ‘experiential learning’ … as they like to say in college brochures … that we begin to second guess ourselves. What ‘coulda, whoulda, shoulda’ I have done differently had I known then what I know now?

Well, here’s the deal; you didn’t know then what you know now! Nobody does. The important thing to remember is that regardless of where you are on life’s journey, you can always attempt to make things better.

Talk to your children about their hopes and dreams. It doesn’t matter if they are 10 or 20 or 30 years old. Remember, asynchronous development can often play to your advantage as the parent of a gifted child. Share your dreams and hopes with them. They need to hear this from you. Too often, we get caught up in the day-to-day grind of ‘making a living’ or our own ‘joie de vivre’ and forget the importance of simply talking to our children.

So, take some time to engage your children in conversation whether at the dinner table or over a cup of coffee at a local café. Don’t know what to say? Let your imagination run away with you …

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Emotional Intensity and Overexcitabilities

Becoming the parent of a gifted child is not unlike getting married. Whereas, you initially think that you are starting a new life together with your spouse, you soon realize that you have actually married an extended family and their entire social network!

Parenting not only involves your child. You must also learn to deal with their peer network – both age-peers and intellectual peers, the parents of their peers, and those who educate. One big happy family … with one exception … the likelihood that they are all emotionally intense and exhibit overexcitabilities.

A popular book (and now movie) for soon-to-be parents is "What to Expect When You’re Expecting". Well, someone needs to write a companion book … ‘What to expect When You’re Expecting a Gifted Child’. The entire first half of the book would need to be about Kazimierz Dąbrowski and his theories.

I’ll admit that even two years ago, I had no idea who Dabrowski was. When I started reading about his theories, I quickly was asking … where have you been all my life? Suddenly a lot of things made sense. I felt like I was an ‘outsider’ who was becoming an ‘insider’ when it came to understanding giftedness.

I won’t pretend to fully understand Dabrowski’s theories. A good friend in Austrailia writes a blog called “” that does a fantastic job of explaining them. Also, Stephanie Tolan has an that explains them in layman’s terms. In a nutshell, gifted children and adults tend to take their emotions ‘over the top’.

What does this mean for the parent of a gifted child? Well, for starters, it would be advisable to be able to recognize their traits of gifted individuals which extend way beyond just being smart. And … you need to realize that the rules have changed. Frankly, you should probably throw the rule book out the window! Your child, their friends, their mentors and teachers … probably don’t fit in society’s expectations for run of the mill behaviors.

This isn’t meant to scare you. Think of it as a call to attention. Your life has simply been expanded to include a whole lot of people who experience life somewhat differently than the rest of society. Their intense emotions are the result of an often deeper understanding of the world around them; or at least a different understanding.

My point is that behaviors of gifted children need to be viewed in a new and different light. Although the sum of their parts, they often add up to a somewhat less than predictable result. Add in their asynchronous development and you soon realize that they are far more complex and so much more than simply a talent to be developed. Yes, as a parent or teacher, you do all that you can to assist them in realizing their potential; but that will be meaningless if you don’t understand their intense emotional side.

One last bit of advice … take a look inside and consider that you too may well exhibit intense feelings and overexcitabilities. Self-awareness can go a long way in becoming a much better parent. One day when that precocious little child grows up … they will thank you. 

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