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Parenting an Underachiever? Can You Say Heartache?

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I didn't learn about what it means to be gifted until fairly late in the game. Looking back, it’s amazing that I survived at all. The condescending calls from teachers, the homework battles, parenting books filled with advice that NEVER worked, watching my child descend into despair … all the while feeling SO ALONE.

Hindsight may be 20 – 20, but in my case, it’s difficult to see that things could have been any different. With one possible exception … knowing what the heck was going on! Blogs were non-existent when I started my journey as a parent.

The advent of blogs for parents of gifted kids is a relatively new occurrence. How I wish this was not true. I must admit a bit of envy ~ yes ENVY for parents today. I read blogs every day and seek out blogs pertaining to gifted parenting. Some have excellent advice; some not.

The point is … if you are parenting an underachiever, you certainly are not ALONE. You know the old saying, “Misery loves company”? Well, it sure can feel like misery when your child is underachieving and NO ONE seems to know what to do or how to help. TOO MANY people seemingly love to point fingers and place blame; but how does that help you and your child?

The simple answer is that it doesn't help. So, what can help? Learning about and understanding that underachievement is a growing phenomenon and something that is best dealt with when recognized early. Although it’s never too late to address this issue, it easier to do while your child is young and not sinking into the abyss.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When your child is identified as gifted, DO NOT take it for granted. Advocate from day one. Advocate for an appropriate, individualized education program. Find out what is already available; then research programs to enhance those offerings. Appreciate the benefits of technology in the gifted classroom. Explore all your options.

Finally, you may have to accept that this is one situation beyond your control and things may not turn out as you had planned or even hoped for; life is like that sometimes. It’s not the end of the world. Children grow up and life goes on. Love does survive.

Is that the end of the story? Not at all! You can make a difference in your child’s life. It’s not easy parenting a rebellious kid who is failing in school or who may have already dropped out. As the parent of a gifted child who is not living up to their potential, you must NEVER give up! If you don’t think you can handle it on your own, seek help. With your support, your child will make it!

If you would like resources to help on the journey, please comment below and I will send you both online and offline resources.

Gifted or pretty: What do parents want for their daughters?

Parents want the best for their children. They dream, worry and search for answers. Are google inquiries a reflection of parents’ greatest hopes and fears? Are these searches the repository of our culture’s collective views about what is most important for our children?

A recent New York Times op-ed by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz highlighted a troubling finding: a higher proportion of google searches were directed toward finding out whether boyswere gifted, and whether girls were pretty or overweight.

Is intelligence less important for families of girls?

At first glance, this finding stands in contrast to recent academic successes among women. More girls than boys graduate from high school, attend college, and graduate from college. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, by 2010, women received 58% of bachelor’s degrees, 60% of master’s degrees and 52% of doctoral degrees in the U.S. And an international survey of 34 countries in 2009 by the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) (summarized in the ) reported that more girls (58%) than boys completed secondary education in 32 of these countries.

Girls are typically more verbally skilled at an early age and are less likely to exhibit learning disabilities. They are often more socially mature, and adapt more easily to typical classroom settings than boys. Gifted programs often contain a higher proportion of girls. Nevertheless, Stephens-Davidowitz’s study suggests that parents as a whole are more likely to invest energy into questions about their sons’ intellectual talents and potential.

Do these results also imply that as a culture, we are still more concerned with girls’ beauty and less with their abilities? Are we more worried about whether our boys will be smart than we are about our girls?

There is no question that many girls feel conflicted about their abilities. Many dumb themselves down to be popular, avoid traditionally male careers, such as the , and conform to social pressure. Girls are frequently influenced by the media and society’s pressure to be thin, fit and tan. Airbrushed, photoshopped images of models and celebrities create unattainable expectations of perfection. Ninety-eight percent of American women are heavier than most models, yet they frequently aspire to these impossible standards. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, eighty percent of adult women are unhappy with their appearance. Many women internalize the media’s standards of an ideal body, and this can be a risk factor for poor body esteem, depressed mood, and eating disorders.

Given our society’s emphasis on weight and appearance in women, it is not surprising that parents worry about how their daughters measure up. However, as Stephens-Davidowitz aptly concludes: “How would American girls’ lives be different if parents were half as concerned with their bodies and twice as intrigued by their minds?”

Gifted and arrogant: What does "Sherlock" reveal about giftedness?

The BBC hit series, “Sherlock,” portrays a modern-day Sherlock Holmes (and his sidekick Watson, who, of course, blogs) in a witty, engaging portrayal of the master detective. What stands out, though, is a depiction of a highly gifted individual who behaves arrogantly, says whatever he thinks, and falls short in relationships. Highly gifted intellect and asynchronous development that entertains. But should we be laughing?

While engaging, and not as blatantly stereotypical, say, as Sheldon, the gifted, socially awkward scientist on “The Big Bang Theory,” Sherlock reinforces the assumption that highly gifted people are impossible to fathom, socially aberrant, and hold contempt toward those less brilliant, entertaining or talented. When Sherlock refuses to engage with people because they bore him, or chastises others for their stupidity, he conveys the arrogance often attributed to the gifted.

Yet, are highly gifted people really arrogant?

A study at the University of Nebraska conducted by Paul Silvia and colleagues identified a correlation between individuals self-identified as highly creative and a lower score representing honesty and humility on a measure of personality traits. However, the researchers noted limitations in the study, as subjects were young college students, and measures of creativity were only based on self-report. Also it is not known whether subjects in this study were actually gifted, or just inclined toward creative pursuits.

On the other hand, some famous gifted individuals have displayed signs of arrogance. Psychiatrist Neel Burton compiled a of appalling, cringeworthy comments made by creative individuals throughout history. While a blatantly self-inflated sense of self is not common, when someone possesses extraordinary talents, whether intellectual, artistic, or athletic, the individual may lose perspective.

And gifted individuals may have the same difficulty as anyone else with perspective-taking, or recognizing that others don’t see the world as they do. Their impatience and frustration can quickly progress to a lack of compassion for others who are less capable. While young children may vocalize their irritation without censor, adults may be more circumspect, yet still convey disapproval or boredom through nonverbal communication. Condescension and disdain typically arise from surprise or even disappointment when others can’t keep up with their thinking. What do you mean you can’t figure that out? How can you not see the point of that book? You really didn’t get that joke?

So, what differentiates arrogance from honest self-reflection in the highly gifted?

Arrogance is the same for gifted individuals as it is for anyone else: it is evident when someone assumes he or she is intrinsically better than others. Arrogance is displayed through self-absorption, entitlement, an air of superiority, and a lack of empathy or caring for others’ opinions or feelings. Whether the result of excessive unwarranted praise, underlying insecurity, or lack of perspective, arrogance can reflect a distorted view of oneself, a level of detachment from others, and at times, more serious emotional disturbance. However, arrogance should not be assumed just because a careful and sober assessment of facts finds that intellect, skills or accomplishments are exceptional.

In fact, while some gifted children and adults may bask in the glow of their abilities, most are actually too self-aware to indulge in this for long. Once they develop the maturity and insight to appreciate the nature of their abilities, gifted individuals typically recognize that with these talents come the burden of expectations, the need for rigor and hard work, and the social and emotional components of giftedness that make life more complicated. Most gifted individuals expect a lot from themselves; they know when they are underperforming and can be highly critical of a finished product, scrutinizing every detail or flaw. Many by downplaying their abilities, "dumbing themselves down" as teens, or becoming chronic underachievers.

Gifted children, teens and adults may be wrongly perceived as arrogant when they accurately and matter-of-factly state the obvious; they excel at certain things. They possess exceptional intellectual and/or artistic/musical abilities, and when they calmly mention their strengths, express competitive desires, or are pleased with their accomplishments, they may be accused of being arrogant. While humility and modesty are admirable traits, there also must be a time and place for simple acknowledgement of one's strengths. Gifted individuals may be under particular scrutiny when they communicate their abilities or frustrations. Others may become angry or intimidated when a gifted child questions her teacher's accuracy, when a gifted teen makes no attempt to hide his boredom in class, or when a gifted adult acknowledges success.

Gifted children benefit from the same parental and social support as other children with respect to perspective-taking, empathy, and values. They can learn how to express their initiative, passion, impatience, frustration, and excitement over achievements using kindness and tact. They can be reminded that their exceptional abilities are an accident of birth, and make them no more special than others. They can be guided to respect and appreciate another person's perspective, even if they do not agree.

What are your opinions about arrogance and giftedness?

References:

Silvia, P, Kaufman, J., Reiter-Palmon, R., & Weigert, B. (2011). Cantakerous creativity: Honesty-Humility, Agreeableness, and the HEXACO structure of creative achievement. Personality and Individual Differences, 51,687-689.

All Children Are Challenged in the Regular Classroom ???

Well, not really. You may not hear those words exactly, but you might hear things like: “Our school’s philosophy is one of full inclusion where all children’s strengths are celebrated.” OR “Our teachers differentiate their instruction to provide an individualized education for all our students.” OR “We feel that accelerating your child beyond their current grade level would prove detrimental to their social well-being. Your child will benefit from interacting with all their peers.”

Here’s what you need to understand. Much of this language comes straight from Special Education. Gifted Education falls under the Special Education umbrella in many states and also in for pre-service teachers. (In federal policy, gifted education is not part of special education.)

The idea of ‘full inclusion’ is a philosophy. It is not the law. Differentiation is a wonderful idea; however, it rarely occurs in the regular classroom for gifted students. Acceleration is one research-based ideawhich has been well-documented as one of the best possible methods for meeting the academic needs of gifted children.

Full inclusion is based on the principle of ‘least-restrictive environment’ for physically/mentally disabled students. LRE was the result of (something to consider*). For most students, the regular classroom isthe least-restrictive environment for their education. It is not, however, the case for students identified as intellectually gifted in most instances. It often becomes the ‘most-restrictive environment’.

Differentiationis one of those policies that looks great on paper, but the reality is that very few classroom teachers receive adequate professional development to do differentiation for gifted students and even fewer believe they need to provide it for these students. If differentiation of instruction was actually occurring, gifted students would not be the only group of students who consistently .

Consider the pressures facing most teachers today with a roster of 25 students in a class and 4 to 6 classes a day. Do.the.math. Who has the time to differentiate every lesson every day for a minimum of three different levels over the course of 180 days?

; especially if you’re in a school district with adequate funding for technology and professional staff development. I’m saying it’s most likely not being done in a majority of schools.

Disagree? Ask your school’s principal to let you sit in on classes for a day at your child’s school. Better yet … ask the principal to accompany you. If you feel that your child’s ‘needs’ are being met, then you’re all set!

If not, then you need to advocate for your child’s right to an appropriate education. And you need to be a smart advocate. Educate yourself on local school policies. If necessary, find a professional advocate (check with your state’s gifted association or ; or online) to guide you.

It doesn't have to be a fight. Most disagreements are the result of inadequate funding or misguided attitudes. If funding is the issue … this is where accelerationcomes into play. It is perhaps the most cost-effective measure a school can use to provide an appropriate education for gifted students. Talk to your child first, regardless of how old they are, to understand their feelings about moving ahead in school. If this is something they are comfortable with, get a copy of . Give it to the principal. Give it to the superintendent. Heck, give a copy to every member of the school board if necessary. Read it first yourself and be ready to explain it to the ‘decision makers’. Educators love to tell you that they will only accept ‘research-based’ solutions. Well … here you go!

Misguided attitudes are an entirely separate issue. Anti-intellectualismon the part of ‘educators’ is a sad state of affairs particularly in the U.S. It is a fight you may not want to engage in; even if you think you’re up to it. Mindsets based in ignorance are rarely changed by reason.

The situation becomes more complicated depending on ‘distance from the mean’ for students who are exceptionally-abled. Elementary and secondary teachers may only encounter these students a few times in their entire career. It is oftentimes hard to comprehend that with which you have little experience.

A recent (Swicord, Chancey, Davis, 2013) states:

“Exceptionally capable students exhibit characteristics that challenge the

efficacy of the traditional American educational system. Those that

demonstrate advanced ability in one or more academic areas may be

poorly served by age-based placement, and asynchronous development

of abilities may pose difficulties for strictly acceleration-based services.”

In this instance, it was recommended that these students need access to a wide range of services which may be provided by distance-learning programs easily accessed via the Internet, some form of acceleration (whole-grade, subject-only), and specially designed curriculum.

A relatively new approach for gifted education, at least in the U.S., is one of blended accommodation ~ a continuum of services (to borrow language from special education). Students may attend a public school part of the day and then either homeschool, cyber-school or attend college classes as part of a dual-enrollment program the remainder of the day.

Not available where you live? Learn more about what is available in other parts of the country (world) ~ you know, Google-it ~ and share this information with your district’s administration. Most administrators either don’t have the time or don’t care enough to do it themselves.

Rememberwhat I said earlier (?) … much of the movement toward modern Special Education was parent-driven*. It is the right of every child to have an education which produces growthfrom where they are at present to where their potential will take them! You are their best hope!

Five hurdles gifted college students must overcome

Most gifted adolescents breathe a sigh of relief when they enter college. Finally, they will be with their intellectual peers. Finally, they won’t have to hide their abilities. Finally, they will be able to fully, unapologetically immerse themselves in their interests.

Yet, gifted college students often face unexpected hurdles that must be overcome.
The academic and social challenges they encounter can lead to self-doubt and uncertainty. Any nagging doubts and fears that developed in high school can intensify in college, as gifted students take a sobering inventory of their limitations and face a harsh dose of reality. This leads to questions about their abilities, their choices, and even their sense of self.

Gifted students (and their parents) should assume that some self-reflection and second-guessing will emerge during college. Their doubts and fears may surface as one or more of these questions:

1. What if I make the wrong decision?

Gifted students, often blessed with multiple talents, are now faced with selecting a career and eliminating alternative options. While all college students must ultimately choose a career path, gifted individuals frequently scrutinize their decisions, sometimes obsessing over the complex array of variables in every outcome. They ponder over the existential implications of roads not taken, and are saddened about abandoning earlier dreams and ambitions.

Gifted students need to grieve the loss of career choices as they narrow their focus. Some may have honed a skill, practiced an instrument, or pursued a goal for years, and now must put this passion aside. They need to appreciate how they can incorporate these interests as hobbies throughout their lives. They may hopefully recognize that most choices are not irrevocable, and the decision-making process itself is a learning experience leading to greater wisdom and self-awareness.

2. What if I’m not the best?

After riding a wave of success in high school, gifted teens may be surprised to find an abundance of equally smart and gifted peers at college, especially if they attend a highly selective school. Suddenly, they are no longer the smartest kids on the block, and don’t receive frequent recognition for their abilities. In fact, they may not be noticed much at all. This sends some students into a tailspin, as they search for a sense of identity and purpose.

Gifted students can navigate this crisis by focusing on what they enjoy and what is personally meaningful, and finding a niche where they can excel. They may need to relinquish the expectation that they must stand out, and realize that self-worth does not hinge on recognition from others. Eventually, they may feel pride in accomplishments achieved among an environment of true peers.

3. What if I fail?

Despite easy grades in high school, many gifted students face greater academic demands than anticipated once they attend college. While the stimulation of an engaging, thought-provoking class is a welcome relief for some, , papers and presentations can be overwhelming for those who doubt their competence. Not only does this tap into concerns about grades, it also challenges their sense of self. If I’m so smart, how could I do poorly on this? What will others think if I fail? What about all of the people I’ll let down if I don’t do my best?

The , or even performing below expectations, creates added stress and the potential for burn-out, particularly for gifted students with perfectionistic tendencies. Many need to confront unrealistic goals, and learn to accept their limitations. Parents can provide reassurance that perfection is not expected, that their child’s well-being is more important than transcripts, and that they will love and accept their child regardless of their grades.

4. What study skills?

Many gifted teens coast through high school. Although they may take difficult classes, receive good grades, and participate in extra-curricular activities, many exert minimal effort and still achieve success. Their intense passion is reserved for what interests them most, and they invest little energy in the remainder of their classes. Once they get to college, though, some gifted teens realize that they have never developed study skills. They cannot just skim through a textbook before taking an exam and expect to have mastered the material. Finally confronted with some challenging classes, they now must actually work hard for the first time, learn how to study, and even ask for help (something they may never have had to do). Some perform poorly for the first time in their lives, an experience that can create surprise, confusion, anxiety and self-doubt.

Gifted college students may feel lost at first, since they may have never had to struggle in school. They may resist asking for help, avoid difficult courses, and even feel some shame because of their lack of preparation. They need support and guidance toward developing study skills and the resilience to take on challenging work. Although they may initially resent having to work hard or seek guidance, they may grudgingly admit that challenging, difficult classes are far superior to an easy, watered-down curriculum.

5. Where do I belong?

Some gifted teens finally experience a when they go to college. However, others never feel that they fit in. Many gifted teens are introverted, highly sensitive and emotionally intense, and are used to , and at times, alienated from peers. After anticipating that college would provide a place where they would find like-minded peers, they may experience disappointment. Gifted children who graduate high school early and start college at a young age, and those who manifest asynchronous development (whose emotional maturity lags behind their intellectual abilities), may feel even less prepared for the social demands of college.

Gifted students who feel isolated need to accept that their differences make them unique, and that they may need to work a little harder to find friends. They need to recognize that introversion is common, and that many teens experience social anxiety and shyness. Involvement with clubs, organizations and other activities where they can find peers with similar interests can also be a helpful way to connect with others.

Rather than obstacles, these hurdles can lead to new paths for future development.

Parents should assume that their gifted college student may grapple with one or more of the above questions. They can try to prepare their child as much as possible for what to expect, and offer support as they navigate through uncharted territory. However, counseling is helpful when these hurdles create an impasse, and when the student shows signs of depression, panic and obsessive thinking, persistent self-doubt, complaints of low self-esteem, or social anxiety and isolation. However, most gifted college students are able to grow through confronting and overcoming these new challenges. Rather than obstacles, these hurdles can lead to new paths for future development.

Gifted children need a place to belong

A about education highlighted the difference between creating an environment where students belong rather than one where they just fit in. The author, Kimberlee Kiehl, noted problems in a system where "most teacher education programs, not to mention the entire education culture in this country, push us toward making children fit in."

What is the difference between belonging and fitting in?

At first glance, they sound the same. A sense of belonging comes from feeling welcome, comfortable, appreciated, understood, and yes, fitting in. We are nourished and enriched by these relationships. But fitting in without truly belonging is different. When we force ourselves to fit in, we conform, restrain, mold, channel and direct energies to meet a standard. Sometimes it comes easily. Other times, it’s the old square peg in a round hole dilemma.

Gifted children learn about fitting in from an early age.This starts in preschool, when their interests and energy level may differ from that of their peers. They may be encouraged to sit in circle time and work on group projects when they would rather build castles or paint. Preschool teachers may be alternately delighted and stymied by a gifted child's precocious and unpredictable behavior. Some gifted children exhibit early signs of overexcitabilities and heightened sensitivity, with intense reactions to situations that other children might take in stride. They may start to feel somewhat different from the other children, but lack the developmental maturity to understand why they don’t quite fit in.

In elementary school, gifted children often experience frustration with rigid classroom routines. Typically expected to adapt to the curriculum, they are frequently offered supplementary “busy work” to keep them occupied. Many teachers, overwhelmed with the demands of differentiated instruction and a range of learning needs, have little opportunity to challenge their gifted students, and are sometimes relieved when these children remain quiet, passing time with a novel in their laps. When gifted children are less patient, parents may receive complaints about their disruptive or distracting behaviors. may be arbitrarily delayed, and options for acceleration are frequently discouraged. Gifted pull-out programs are often highly structured, with an expectation that all gifted students have similar needs.

Even more troubling is the discomfort and sense of alienation many gifted children experience with peers. They may not appreciate how their differences set them apart, and may be puzzled when their heightened sensitivity or enthusiasm for offbeat interests is met with disdain. At worst, they may become a target for bullying. Gifted adolescents are acutely aware of , and struggle with decisions related to conformity and social acceptance. Attempts at disguising their abilities are common, particularly among girls. Others refuse to compromise their values, even if it results in increased isolation. A variety of factors contribute to feeling different, including: intellectual interests beyond their years, impatience with peers who grasp learning at a slower pace or lack an affinity for , asynchronous development manifest in less mature social skills, or intense feelings and oversensitivity.

Gifted children and adolescents often wish for a place where they can belong. Many are accustomed to seeing themselves as outliers, different from the norm, and out of sync with children their age. Yet, they hunger for both intellectual and social connection with peers who understand their view of the world, who appreciate their perspective, and who just “get it” the same way they do. Some gifted children are fortunate enough to discover a group of like-minded peers in school, particularly in schools where ability grouping is offered. More often, they must turn to extra-curricular interests or activities to feel a sense of belonging.

Parents of gifted children may need to advocate in schools for more opportunities where their children can feel a sense of belonging. This may involve subject or grade acceleration, compacting (where groups of gifted children work together in classrooms), or for ability grouped classes. Extra-curricular interests that stimulate their creativity, curiosity, sense of discovery, strategic planning abilities, or sense of purpose (which may occur on or off the school grounds) are particularly appealing. Some examples include: art classes, chess, theatre, robotics, music groups, science classes, social justice initiatives, or volunteer activities. Summer camps focusing on academic or creative interests can provide a safe harbor where they can openly express who they are while exploring their abilities. Many extra-curricular activities, particularly camps, are expensive, although financial assistance is sometimes available. Families who cannot afford these options for their children, or who live in communities with limited resources may need to be particularly vocal advocates in the schools, since “finding a place to belong” is so critical to each child’s well-being.

What has helped your gifted child find a place to belong? Please let us know your ideas!

When does therapy benefit gifted adolescents?

Gifted adolescents are no more prone to social or emotional difficulties than other teens.¹Yet, the burden of feeling different from peers, and attempts to offset stigma and rejection, create a unique set of conflicts. At a point in their development when social acceptance seems essential, many gifted teens go to great lengths to hide their abilities from others. Some try to “dumb themselves down,” avoiding classes that might brand them as “nerds.” Others struggle with how to remain true to themselves, while still adapting to the social norms around them. are particularly difficult for adolescents who show signs of asynchronous development, and whose social skills lag behind their intellectual abilities. Even those gifted teens who achieve popularity still may be acutely aware of their differences and attempt to conform, sometimes immersing themselves in social and extra-curricular activities at the expense of academic pursuits. They sometimes later regret that they “sacrificed” their interests or ambitions to gain approval.

Gifted adolescents often struggle with being gifted

Regardless of their level of social comfort, gifted adolescents often struggle with traits frequently associated with giftedness. These may include perfectionism, harsh self-criticism, oversensitivity, fear of failure, anxiety about performance, and even despair over injustices affecting others. Some develop cynicism about an education system that has failed to challenge them, and become underachievers. Others may feel ashamed of their so-called “gifts,” claiming they are undeserving of accomplishments earned so easily. They may be conflicted about career goals, torn between their desires and what family and society expect, and worry that they will not live up to their potential.

Therapy can offer both support and challenges

Therapy can create a safe haven where gifted adolescents can receive the support, understanding and the appropriate challenges they need to surmount difficulties associated with giftedness. Trying to fit in, juggling others’ expectations, and sorting out an array of conflicting messages are commonplace for gifted teens. Participation in therapy does not mean that something is seriously wrong; therapy is a resource for achieving greater self-awareness and overcoming obstacles to personal growth. (See for more information about psychotherapy).

Adolescents’ cognitive abilities, attitudes about being gifted, and the family’s and school community’s impressions about their giftedness influence feelings about themselves. Therapists need to consider the interplay between the child's giftedness and specific emotional, social, family or academic problems. Webb²and others in the literature ^3,4,5,6 have also emphasized how an individual’s giftedness needs to inform treatment planning.

Therapists can help teens manage the social and emotional "baggage" often associated with giftedness. Common characteristics such as introversion, oversensitivity, asynchronous development, and attunement to moral injustice can make adolescence even more trying. Other examples include social anxiety, perfectionism, harsh expectations of self and others, underachievement, family demands, sibling conflicts, unresolved distress related to bullying or peer rejection, shame associated with failed accomplishments, and ambivalence about career goals. Counseling can offer support and a clear perspective when these burdens seem overwhelming.

Giftedness must be considered in diagnosis and treatment

Sometimes gifted adolescents suffer from emotional problems that any teen might face, such as depression, anxiety, or an addiction. Therapy is even more essential under these conditions. Nevertheless, a child’s giftedness needs to be considered in any diagnostic evaluation and throughout treatment. Webb²has highlighted how gifted individuals can be misdiagnosed by practitioners who fail to appreciate the effect giftedness has on an individual’s social, emotional and cognitive functioning. (Recently, SENG has launched the to educate pediatricians and other health care professionals about the risks of misdiagnosis.)

If giftedness is secondary to more pressing psychological, interpersonal or family problems, a therapist can still remain cognizant of how the teen's intellectual strengths, and traits associated with giftedness may influence their behaviors and emotions. While identifying psychological symptoms of distress is beyond the scope of this article, some general warning signs can include: withdrawal from family and friends, sadness and tearfulness, comments related to hopelessness, increased anxiety, angry outbursts, threats to harm self or others, difficulty concentrating, insomnia or sleeping a lot more than usual, unexplained physical symptoms, significant weight loss or gain in a short period of time, change in friendships, problems at school or with the law, intoxication or signs of drug use. (For further information about symptoms, you can visit . If you need to find a therapist, often the best resource is to check with your child’s pediatrician for a referral.)

Gifted adolescents often enter therapy with hesitation, but soon welcome feeling understood. Their acute self-awareness, tendency to scrutinize themselves and others, and willingness to engage in complex debate create both opportunities and challenges during therapy. Therapy can help them navigate this difficult passage through adolescence, and provide further tools for growth and development.

This paper was adapted from the following article: Post, G. (2013). Counseling gifted adolescents: Integrating social and emotional aspects of giftedness into treatment. National Association of Gifted Children Counseling and Guidance Newsletter, 9, 13-14.

References:

¹Neihart , M. (1999). The impact of giftedness on psychological well-being: What does the empirical literature say? Roeper Review, 22, 10-17.

²Webb. J., Amend, E., Webb.,N., Goerss, J., Beljan, P., & Olenchak, R. (2005). Misdiagnosis and Dual Diagnoses of gifted Children and Adults: ADHD, Bipolar, OCD, Aspberger's, Depression, and Other Disorders. Tucson, AZ: Great Potential Press.

³Grobman, J. (2009). A psychodynamic psychotherapy approach to the emotional problems of exceptionally and profoundly gifted adolescents and adults: A psychiatrist’s experience. Journal for the Education of the Gifted, 33, 106-125.

⁴ Jacobsen, M. (1999). Arousing the sleeping giant: Giftedness in adult psychotherapy. Roeper Review, 22, 36-42.

⁵Moon, S. & Thomas, V. (2002). Family therapy with gifted and talented adolescents. Journal of Advanced Academics, 14, 107-113.

⁶Silverman, L. (Ed.) (2000). Counseling the Gifted and Talented. Denver, CO: Love.

The Columbus Group Conference

Parenting gifted children is awesome! No.doubt.about.it. I said ‘awesome’ … not easy. There are days that will overwhelm you and days that will make you cry. When those days come, it is important to remember that there are resources available to you to help make it through the day … and knowing about the ‘Columbus Group’ is one of the best resources I can tell you about.

For decades, most people did not know ‘who’ comprised the Columbus Group. Experts in the field of gifted education were known to question its very existence. This group represented the ‘kinder, gentler side of gifted parenting’. The definition of giftedness (Columbus Group, 1991, in Morelock, 1992) that was developed in the living room of one of its members decades ago is as follows,

“Giftedness is asynchronous development in which advanced cognitive abilities and heightened intensity combine to create inner experiences and awareness that are qualitatively different from the norm. This asynchrony increases with higher intellectual capacity. The uniqueness of the gifted renders them particularly vulnerable and requires modifications in parenting, teaching and counseling in order for them to develop optimally.”

A recent book, Off the Charts, details the history of the Columbus Group and contributing authors are a who’s who of the finest individuals in gifted education and advocacy in the past 40 years. This year, it was honored as a winner from the *.

The term ‘asynchronous development’ as is relates to gifted children was coined by the Columbus Group. In fact, at the time it was initially discussed, a call to the local library was necessary to find the definition of ‘asynchronous’. How fortunate for thousands of gifted children and their parents that someone made that phone call!

Members of the Columbus Group believe in a child-centered approach to gifted children; one in which the whole child’s personal growth and development of ‘the self’ are most important. This is in contrast to those who promote achievement and recognition as the sole goal for which to strive. In a conversation with one of the members of the group, I was told that there was no disagreement with gifted children achieving goals; it just shouldn't be considered the prime focus of their education.

Recent emphasis on talent development did, however, prompt the release of Off the Charts. From Stephanie Tolan’s blog :

“So it was that members of the Columbus Group, that has continued

to meet throughout these two decades, decided it was an important

time to put out a book to remind the field of the critical “other side”

(the inside) of giftedness, which is part of the gifted individual’s

experience whether in or out of school, whether achieving in the

eyes of the world at any given moment or not!”

Over the years, Columbus Group members have made incredible contributions to the gifted community from authoring numerous books and papers, presenting at conferences, and establishing schools for the gifted to providing psychological services for gifted children.

In February, 2014, parents as well as educators, program administrators, guidance counselors, psychologists and mentors will have the opportunity to attend a major conference from the authors of Off the Charts, “Asynchronous Development: Understanding the Implications for Gifted Children at School, in the Home and Across the Lifespan”.

Presenters at the conference will include: Shelagh Gallagher, Linda Silverman, Stephanie S. Tolan, Michael Piechowski, Patricia Gatto-Walden, Ellen D. Fiedler, Kathi Kearney, Michele Kane, Barbara Mitchell Hutton and Christine Neville.

Topics to be presented include: “Educating Asynchronous gifted Children in the Age of the Common Core”, “Dealing with Asynchronous Gifted Children in the Regular Classroom”, “The Social/Emotional Implications of Asynchrony for Highly Gifted Children”, “The Special Life of the Family with Asynchronous Children” and “Homeschooling Highly Gifted Asynchronous Children”.

This conference will be an extraordinary experience for parents of gifted children. Having had the opportunity to sit and talk with many of the presenters one-on-one, my life has been enriched beyond measure. It will be held in Albuquerque, New Mexico, on February 21st and 22nd. Reduced registration will be available through January 15, 2014. You can register online .

If you would like to read more about the Columbus Group, check out these resources:

edited by Christine S. Neville, Michael M. Piechowski and Stephanie S. Tolan

by Scott Barry Kaufman, Chapter 5, “Gifted Souls”

“” by Martha Morelock

* Disclaimer: I do contract work for TAGT, but have no involvement in the selection of Legacy Book Award winners.

Don't wait to get your gifted child tested!

Accurate identification of giftedness is necessary to determine what specific academic services your child needs. It also provides documentation when advocacy is warranted. While states and districts have varying requirements for gifted identification (see for more), many districts circumvent these requirements by creating roadblocks and delays. Yet, rather than request testing when they suspect their child is gifted, some parents just wait for the school to decide if testing is indicated. And some refuse to grant approval for any testing at all.

Why do some parents refuse testing for their child?

Insufficient information.Most parents know their own child, but don’t have a classroom full of children against which they can compare abilities. While they may suspect that their child is gifted, they may not feel justified for testing. “Who are we to think our child is so smart?”

Parents may trust the school’s judgment when determining whether their child should be tested. Yet, in many schools, gifted children may be overlooked, and teachers and administration often convince parents that their child is already receiving appropriate services. There is also a common misconception that bright children have been prepped before they start school, and their strengths will dissipate over time. As a result, many schools arbitrarily delay gifted evaluations until students are well beyond third or fourth grade, even though testing children between the ages of five and eight is considered ideal.

Apathy. Some parents believe that the “gifted program” in their district is a waste of time. Maybe it just involves extra homework. Perhaps it is only an hour pull-out a week. Some may have tried to advocate in the past and met with such resistance that they gave up. Others may feel it is not worth the time and effort, and make the decision to enrich their child’s education on their own. In these situations, parents have been led to believe they have little recourse to change the system, and cannot request additional services for their child.

Concerns about consequences. Parents worry about what they might find out from the evaluation. “Could our child also have a learning disability? What if he or she is not as bright as we thought? How will we explain to our child that he or she is gifted?” These concerns sometimes deter parents from requesting an evaluation, since they have little guidance about how they will cope with these possible outcomes.

Most schools fail to help parents understand the benefits of testing, how it can aid them with developing a plan geared toward appropriate academic instruction, and how they can assist the parent and child with their . And when school staff are either misinformed or philosophically opposed to gifted identification, they may persuade parents to refuse an evaluation. It may be suggested, for example, that their child could be traumatized if he or she “fails” the testing, or might be ostracized by peers for being different if identified as gifted.

Should parents decline testing because of these concerns?

While these concerns may be reasonable to consider at first, the benefits of testing usually outweigh any initial doubts. Here are some reasons for moving ahead with testing:

1. An evaluation will provide you and the school with a wealth of information about your child’s strengths, weaknesses and academic needs. An IQ test offers more than just a number; your child’s abilities are assessed in a range of areas that will help you and your school with academic planning. (For a helpful description of IQ testing, see the on testing.) The pattern of your child’s performance also provides important information about how he or she approaches new and challenging situations. Does he plan carefully and take his time? Does she rush or become frustrated if challenged? The pattern of responses is particularly important when evaluating gifted children, because many demonstrate large differences in scores between subtests. (For a great discussion of this, see .) A skilled psychologist can help you understand the reasons for any discrepancies and how to integrate this information into a meaningful academic plan.

2. Your child cannot “fail” the test. It is a measure of relative strengths and weaknesses based on age-based norms. Despite common misconceptions, you cannot “hothouse” your child to do well on these tests; studying and preparation are not required. IQ testing occurs in a one-to-one situation that asks a child to try out new skills, and stops each section of the test before it becomes too stressful. The psychologist typically tries to put the child at ease, and many children enjoy the individual attention they receive.

If your child’s overall IQ score does not meet criteria for gifted services, you can still request enrichment for your child in those areas of strength identified by the evaluation. If the score was close to the cut-off, typically an IQ score of 130, you may want to see if your child could be reevaluated the following year, especially if the psychologist noted any circumstances that might have contributed to an artificially lower score. For example, some gifted children are not identified because of fine motor skill weaknesses, or a tendency to ponder over the correct response (decreasing their score during timed tests), which can deflate their overall score. Common situations such as insufficient sleep the night before, hunger, or frustration over missing recess can influence test performance. Underidentification also occurs when children come from underprivileged or culturally different backgrounds, or where English is spoken as a second language.

3. It is worth getting an evaluation, even if the “gifted program” in your school district is less than adequate. Some parents doubt the benefits of the “gifted program” in the school and think it is not worth the effort. Even if the “program” lacks credibility, gifted identification still may offer your child options that might not be available without the label. The information the evaluation provides is still valuable in terms of understanding your child’s abilities, and can aid with advocating for improved individualized services. It is also useful should you move, transfer your child to another school, or decide to homeschool your child.

4. Fears about what a gifted evaluation will uncover are common. Most parents eventually learn to face these fears and find that the test results are a meaningful overview of their child's strengths and weaknesses. The evaluation may validate what the parents already suspect, but also may provide some surprises in terms of exceptional abilities, untapped strengths, or learning problems. Many learning disabilities remain undetected among bright and gifted children because their intellectual strengths allow them to compensate for their difficulties. By evaluating your child at a relatively young age, any suspected learning differences can be identified and hopefully addressed through appropriate instruction.

Concerns about explaining test results to a child strikes fear in many parents. While it is best to avoid sharing an actual IQ score with a young child, it is certainly helpful to explain findings in terms of strengths and weaknesses, especially since this most likely confirms what your child already suspects. You can , and place it in a context your child can understand. If you are concerned about isolation from peers, gifted identification will do little more than confirm what your child and his or her peers already know.

Don’t wait until the school recommends that your child get an evaluation.

If you suspect your child might be gifted, find out the procedures for requesting an evaluation. These guidelines should be available through your school district. Keep in mind that some children are less likely to be “noticed” by teachers and referred for evaluation. Children who are frequently overlooked for testing can be children of color; children from underprivileged, lower socio-economic backgrounds; less verbal, visual-spatial learners; non-English speaking children; gifted children with other disabilities (twice exceptional gifted learners); and less cooperative students. Do not assume that teachers or administrators will automatically recognize your child's abilities or refer your child for testing.

Some teachers and schools are proactive about prescreening students for giftedness and others are not. Even group ability tests used to prescreen for gifted evaluations can miss students who are easily distracted, become anxious during testing, or who are already bored with school. As a parent, you will need to keep this on your radar, and advocate for individualized testing when needed. Gifted toward ensuring that your child receives an appropriate and meaningful education. It may be up to you to set the wheels in motion!