Underachievement: An Alternate Course of Action

Photo Courtesy: Morguefile

In my last post, I promised resources for those who requested them. While pulling together the list of links below, I came across several forgotten gems on the topic; articles which have influenced my thinking but escaped my memory. I would be remiss if I did not thank two authors whose work has had a profound impact on how I approach this subject ~ Mr. Josh Shaine and Dr. James Delisle. Their articles are the most parent-friendly ones I have ever come across. I highly recommend you read their articles first.

The term ‘underachievement’ is about as prickly as the term ‘gifted’. There are lots of definitions and parameters, but little agreement on what the term actually means. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling about the connotations surrounding underachievement. As a parent, it made me sad to think of a child as an underachiever.

When did the child become an underachiever?

Where could a parent have gone wrong?

As it turns out, neither the child nor their parent actually did anything wrong. You wouldn’t know that to listen to teachers, psychologists or ‘experts’ in the field of gifted education who try to tell a different story. They are quick to point to the symptoms of underachievement, but are at a loss for words when it comes to causes. And there is a good reason for that …

You see … this is a classic case of blame the victim. Something has to be wrong with the child that they are simply not living up to their potential (or should I say to someone else’s expectations?).

In Delisle’s article, he acknowledges that there are students who do not perform as well as they could academically, but he insists we stop blaming the child. Rather, he explains we should start making a difference by changing ‘our’ vocabularyand attitude about underachievement.

I couldn’t agree more. Last summer, I sat in a session with one of the leading ‘experts’ on the topic of underachievement. It was all about how to fix the underachieving child. During the presentation, she had an activity for the audience. Not accepting the premise of the activity, I chose not to participate. This did not sit well with this expert. She actually came to my table to ask me personally to join in. When I said “no”, she became flustered and walked away. The irony of my actions obviously escaped her.

As parents, we often expect a lot from our children when they are identified as ‘gifted’ … perhaps we expect TOO much forgetting that they are still children? I know – this flies in the face of another group of experts - who say we must push, and push, and push. Well, many of these gifted children are a lot smarter than the experts and that includes the ones who label them as underachievers.

Photo Courtesy: Morguefile

Don’t the same experts advise parents to do all we can to encourage creativity? Then they tell us how to get our children to conform to an uninspired curriculum offered in many classrooms today. We are told to coerce our children into completing the 10 to 12 worksheets they are handed every day for homework ... or endure being labeled another ‘esteem-killing’ term … lazy.

Another course of action:

·         Forget the term ‘underachievement’

·         Explore why your child lacks interest

·         Change the environment, not your child

·         Encourage your child to find their passion

·         Be patient with your child

Links:

by Dr. James Delisle 

by Josh Shaine 

by Josh Shaine 

(Companion piece to Underachievement from the Inside Out) by France Shaine (Josh's mother)

 

 

(book) by Joanne Rand Whitmore 

(incomplete preview) by Joanne Rand Whitmore

 by Jerald Grobman, M.D.

by Sheri Plybon 

by Stephen R. Balzac 

from Dr. George Betts 

(book for teachers) by Patricia L Supplee 

Denver, CO 

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Six tips for communicating with your gifted child's teacher

Okay, so you’re mad. You’ve had it. You want to just march into your child’s classroom and let the teacher know that you’re done with this nonsense. You cannot stand it one more instant – watching your gifted child languish unattended, bored, undereducated, unstimulated.

It’s not like you haven’t already tried. You’ve let the teacher know your child wanted more challenging work. You’ve sent carefully worded notes and e-mails. You’ve sat through parent-teacher conferences, nodding politely, tactfully offering a few suggestions. You’ve patiently waited and hoped for something to change.

But wait! If you barrel into the classroom, guns a-blazin' (metaphorically speaking), you risk alienating the very person you need most on your side. It’s just not good strategy to alienate your child’s teacher. Even if nothing has changed so far, you can still develop a plan, work collaboratively with the teacher, and chip away at the problem.

What are the steps you need to take?

1.  Gather information. Learn as much as you can about gifted children and gifted education. Sites like and are great places to start. The more you know, the more effectively you can . The information you need also includes the laws and guidelines in your and school district, your school's policies for providing gifted services, and the procedures involved. Sometimes these may be listed on your district's website, but other times you may have to ask questions and do some investigative work. You also need to understand the teacher's attitude and approach toward gifted education. (See this previous  for more.) The more clearly you appreciate the classroom dynamics, administrative pressures, professional limitations, and personal attitudes that influence the teacher's perspective about giftedness, the more effectively you can communicate your child's needs.

2.  Approach the teacher respectfully. You may be frustrated after months of witnessing your child's boredom. You may disagree with the teaching methods your child’s teacher uses. You may not even like the teacher. But this is his or her chosen profession, based on years of training and experience. Immediately challenging the teacher’s approach, offering too many suggestions, or criticizing will create hard feelings. Not only is this hurtful, it is not in the best interest of your child. Even if you don’t think you’re being critical, comments like, “Johnny is so bored,” or “Suzie needs so much more of a challenge than what she is getting,” can be perceived as criticism. No teacher wants to think that students are bored. No teacher wants parents to be upset and angry. And a teacher who feels unfairly criticized can become defensive and reluctant to hear your concerns.

This is the time to swallow your pride, control your anger and approach the teacher with a collaborative spirit. Consider wording your comments so that you convey respect for the teacher’s dedication, expertise, and competing demands. Think about how to express your concerns in a manner that respects the teacher's knowledge and experience. If your child's teacher feels that you appreciate the daily stress and many obligations he or she faces, you may be able to gain trust more easily. Let the teacher know that you are very aware that little Johnny is not the ONLY child in the classroom, that the teacher has many children who need support, and that potential solutions to the problem will take that reality into account. 

3. Explain your child to the teacher. Help the teacher understand more about your child, especially if your child’s abilities or learning needs are overlooked. Many gifted children who do not fit typical stereotypes (such as the highly verbal and high achieving student) may not be recognized as gifted, or their behaviors could be  as indicative of a more serious problem, such as an emotional disturbance, or attentional problem. Since many teachers have little training or , it may be up to you to educate them. Portray your child in as clear and unbiased a manner as possible, flaws and all, but framed within a context of giftedness. “I’m aware that Johnny seems like a typical ‘asynchronous’ kid; sort of immature socially, so his ability to think deeply stays hidden.”  “I know that Susie talks a lot in class and gets distracted. I realize this can be a problem. I’ve found at home that when she is immersed in a project she likes, she gets much more focused, and she quiets down for a while!” 

4. Ask for feedback from the teacher. Respect the teacher’s knowledge. Appreciate that the teacher gets to view your child in a different context for seven hours a day, and may have some useful information to offer. Ask for ideas about what the teacher thinks would enhance your child’s educational experience. “What thoughts do you have about offering Johnny more intensive writing opportunities without it appearing like extra homework (which we know he would resist)?” “Given Susie’s math abilities, what course of action do you think would be the best for helping her continue to blossom in this area?” “What are your thoughts about having some of the gifted students work on projects together, so they can at least bounce ideas off of each other in a small group?” Requesting the teacher's input shows respect and your willingness to collaborate. You also will learn how well he or she truly knows your child, what solutions seem feasible, and how likely it is that actual change may occur (and whether you may need to increase your advocacy efforts or change direction). 

5. Acknowledge what is working. Let the teacher know what your child enjoys. Use this as a springboard for encouraging more of the same. “Susie was absolutely thrilled with the last science project. She loved getting to research the topic in such depth. Will there be more opportunities for this in the future?” "Johnny was so excited to go to the third grade math class. He really loved the challenge, and we're so glad that the school agreed to accelerate him." Inform the teacher about improvements you have seen in your child. Ask for the teacher’s input with respect to what he or she believes is working as well. 

6. Pick your battles. As much as you would love to demand that your child's teacher implement all of your requests, without administrative support, homogeneous classrooms, ability grouping, or a comprehensive gifted program, it is unlikely that your child will receive as much as you would like. Make a wish list and identify the most important goals for your child. If your child has not been yet, request a gifted evaluation. If your child already has been identified as gifted, and if there are safeguards in your state, such as Individualized Education Plans, ensure that the plan includes what you think is necessary and reasonable. Let the teacher know that you realize how constrained he or she must be in terms of competing demands, and suggest changes that would not only benefit your child, but also could make life less complicated for the teacher. For example, subject acceleration where the student leaves for another classroom in the same building requires a lot less effort than having the teacher administer an individualized program tailored to the student. 

You may not like these solutions. They may not seem fair. Gifted education should be a right, not a privilege. You should not have to walk on eggshells to advocate for what your child needs!

Valid points. But the reality is that forming a collaborative relationship with your child’s teacher may be the best option you have. It is also good role-modeling for your child. Children can benefit from witnessing their parents advocating for what is needed, but also working collaboratively and cooperatively with others. Yes, some parents homeschool their children, or seek our private schools, beneficial alternatives, but also with some drawbacks. Ultimtately, advocacy for all gifted children and widespread change in how gifted education is implemented is needed. But until then, you have the day to day dilemma of working with your child’s teacher. And the sooner you form a partnership, the more likely you will achieve productive results. 

(Note: Forming a partnership with your child's teacher is just one step in the process. There is much more to advocacy. See for more tips about advocacy. A future blog post will cover more about advocacy.) 

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Adult Entitlement

This meme was made by the Facebook page , using a quote from my book  It has been shared thousands of times across Facebook, and while most people agree, there are also many who misunderstand this quote. Misunderstandings are common when we take a part of a book without seeing the surrounding context.

Most often, the misunderstanding is that we don't teach them any better. This is a common misconception of positive parenting. Authoritarians assume that we don't discipline at all just because we aren't spanking or sending our children out of our presence when they aren't living up to our ridiculously high expectations, but true discipline doesn't come through threats and punishments. True discipline is what we teach our children day in and day out in all the million little interactions we have with them. As we model appropriate behavior and teach them diligently day after day how to handle their emotions with techniques such as deep breathing, journaling, or walking away to cool down, as we teach them how to manage themselves within the boundaries of the family, giving them tools they can use instead of consequences they can't, and lovingly, gently correcting, guiding, teaching, coaching, mentoring, we are disciplining - making disciples of - our children, and it takes so much more effort than a quick spanking or a few minutes in a time out chair. Authoritarians think it is absurd to raise children without punishment, but I think it is absurd to expect children to learn how to truly manage themselves by taking something away from them.

But the misunderstandings I most often see point to a larger problem of adult entitlement, and this directly points back to the reason I've chosen a different parenting path.

What happens is, as children, we are told what to do, what to say, how to look, what to like. We raise our hands to go to the bathroom, we get bullied for not fitting in just right, we sit through hours of school and come home to hours of homework. Our feelings are dismissed as ridiculous or annoying. Big kids don't cry! Suck it up! You're being silly! We are criticized on everything from our size to our hairstyles, our grades to our ambitions. Someone is always exerting their power over us until that one day, that one special day when we pass through the magical portal into adulthood. Poof! We go from being the lesser of society to being the top of the chain! Suddenly, overnight, you can no longer hit us without an assault charge. You can no longer criticize us because we adults are covered by the DON'T JUDGE ME ACT that apparently got passed somewhere in recent history. You can't criticize our mistakes any longer! You can't expect us to not grump at our spouse or yell at our kids. We are stressed and worn out and busy, for goodness' sake! And we can't be judged!

Ah, the entitlement of adulthood. The best bit is when we have our own kids, though. Now WE have the power to wield however we'd like. Now we can complain about today's kids because we were complained about, and that evens the score. Now we can dish out punishments if our children don't meet our expectations because it feels good to be on the other side, to be the one with the power! If I don't like your attitude, I can banish you from my sight! I can demand respect for the simple fact that I have passed the magical age of 18 and am now entitled to it, and if you don't show it to me, you can face the consequences! Intoxicating!

The thing is that these entitled adults drop by random parenting pages to tell us how fine they are, how well they've turned out, and in the same breath cuss other people or call them names. They tell us how they learned respect when THEY were kids, and then disrespect people on the threads they're posting in. Go ahead and take a leisurely scroll through a few parenting pages on Facebook and tell me how well behaved and respectful today's adults are.

That's exactly what happens when the threat of consequences are removed. Sure, we have to obey laws, like not stealing or killing anybody, but I have to tell you it's a whole lot easier to stay out of jail than it is to stay out of the corner. Our attitudes though? There's no one to correct us when we get rude and disrespectful, and it's especially prevalent on the internet where, as Sally Clarkson says, . There's no one to stop us from being disrespectful to our kids. In fact, it's almost expected. We can yell at them every day, what are you going to do? We can grump at our spouses and disrespect the store clerk because you can't spank us or put us in time out. No sir! Don't judge me.

Here is a comment left on this meme recently:  "Yes I do hold my child to a higher standard than myself I am suppose to. If u continue in the same cycle what have u changed. My child is my child not me. What I achieve is not her best its mines she must be better because its in her. Just like my mother change my behavior I must do the same with my child. Each generation must improve that way the world improves."

I'm sorry, but this is a cop out, plain and simple. It's time adults held ourselves to a higher standard. We need to learn how to control our emotions, handle our frustrations, and speak respectfully to the little ones in our care and even to the people we can't see. We need to stop hitting our kids, stop yelling at them and our spouses, and learn to effectively communicate with the people we love. We need to stand up and be the change. If we can't live up to our own standards, why should we expect our children to? 

The quote in the meme doesn't mean don't teach your children better. Please do. It means rise up and give them something to aspire to. That's the only way things will really improve. It starts with me. It starts with you.

*Oh, and I need to mention grace.*

Here's a quote posted on .

While we should absolutely teach our children how to handle their emotions, not project their bad moods, and how to be respectful, there are times when, like us, all they need is grace. Grace isn't an excuse to continue bad behavior, but it's a loving embrace of understanding and acceptance of the soul you're nurturing. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes they mess up. Sometimes we can skip the lecture and just offer grace. If God doesn't expect me to be perfect, I surely don't expect my children to be.

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The Three Most Important Parts of Parenting By Sarah MacLaughlin

The Three Most Important Parts of Parenting By Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW, Parenting Coach for Moms and Dads 

Let me start by saying that every parent knows their own children best. YOU are the expert on your own child. I aim to not so much give advice, as ask the right questions and offer guidance along the roads that parents travel. So the guidance I will offer is guideposts, actually. Here are three of what I consider to be the most important aspects of good parenting: Respect, relationship, and repair.

First and foremost: respect. This makes sense; we want and need our children to respect us, right? Right. I think the tricky piece here is staying mindful that respect must be a two-way street. This also makes sense; intellectually anyway. Practically speaking, it isn't always easy to respect a small child who needs your near constant supervision and care. It's even harder to hold in high esteem a small person who may not be behaving rationally, managing their emotions, or have all their teeth yet. Let's face it, our culture is not one in which the weak, emotionally volatile, and unreasonable command respect. Along these same lines, we mainly parent within a paradigm where kids are the sponges and we are our child's first teacher. But this is only one side of a much more complex story. As adults we may have more information, knowledge, and common sense than a child. But we forget our duality, and easily dismiss children's inherent gifts of connectedness, creativity, humor, and emotional honesty.

Next: relationship. This is what parenting is all about! Ah, but we are so easily side-tracked into control and behavior management. Rebecca Thompson, executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project, notes that behavioral approaches (consequences, etc.) all stem from the research of B.F. Skinner - you may recall that he worked with laboratory animals? Animals are not people, and although many have proposed that training techniques do work to change conduct in children, often this is not the case, and the result ends up being even more escalated behavior. Ms. Thompson suggests addressing the underlying emotion first, before discussing behavior, or what might be done differently next time. Keep in mind that it's hard to receive feedback on your actions while you are having strong feelings (and brain research confirms this), no matter what your age!

 And finally: repair. I'll be honest; sometimes I just don't get it right. We are all human and prone to messing up. Part of repair is being accountable for our actions. Apologize if you've made a mistake. This is a skill all people need; modeling it for your child is incredibly valuable. When we approach a problem, error, or offense of ours or theirs with true curiosity about what can be done to amend, fix, repair, or make restitution, we are on track for learning, making things right, and better behavior in the future. Punishment, criticism, and negative consequences all use fear as a motivator. Ultimately, I'd rather maintain love, not fear, in my connection with my child; repair helps with this.

So keep doing what you're doing! Love your kids, treat them with respect, and remember that your relationship will long outlast the phase where you are parenting them. Hopefully you will have a much longer adult-adult relationship with them than you will have adult-child. Model self-control, kindness, humility, and other qualities you WANT to see in your child. The good news and the bad news is that your children are usually paying very close attention to your behavior. Try to make sure it's desirable.

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Why some teachers just don't "get it" about gifted education

Most teachers care about their work. Most would like nothing better than to be able to meet each child’s educational needs, teach creatively and instill a love of learning in their students. Then why are gifted children so frequently overlooked, undereducated and unstimulated? Why do so many parents feel that their child’s teacher just doesn’t “get it” about gifted education?

At first glance, you might think that teaching a gifted child would be a pleasure. Who wouldn’t want to teach a curious, deep-thinking learner who absorbs information like a sponge? And while many teachers embrace all children, including their gifted students, some offer little support for the much-needed enrichment and acceleration these students require.

Why some teachers don't "get it"

1. Competing demands

Teachers are increasingly burdened with meeting administrative, state and federal standards. Meeting these requirements, teaching to the test, and ensuring that struggling students don’t fall behind are paramount. Many are faced with large, heterogeneous classrooms, and asked to “differentiate” instruction, an often impossible expectation. With time constraints and competing demands, it is understandable that “teaching to the middle” saves time and energy. It also makes sense that children with more significant learning needs get most of their attention. The 2011 Fordham Institute  affirms this; when teachers were asked where they would direct their energy if they had time available for individualized attention, 80% claimed that they would attend to their struggling students, whereas only 5% stated that their advanced learners would receive attention. In a hectic classroom with limited time and resources, gifted education is less likely to be a priority.                      

2. Inadequate training

Many teachers have little training in gifted education. The National Center for Gifted Education and Talent Development  of 3^rd and 4^th grade teachers found that 61% had not received any staff development or training in gifted education. Without adequate training, a teacher may try to find some “enrichment” to enhance a child’s learning, but the plan may be arbitrary and not necessarily tailored to the child’s academic needs. If the school district lacks a formalized gifted program, there may be even less structure or oversight available. Teachers often have little understanding of the social and emotional needs of the gifted, and may make assumptions based on stereotypes. For example, one study¹ reported that teachers believed acceleration was a beneficial option for academic reasons. However, they assumed that it would have a negative emotional effect, so failed to consistently recommend it as an option for the gifted students. 

3. Low priority

Teachers may be responding to a socially accepted culture of widespread neglect toward gifted children. According to a 2012-2013 report from the about the state of gifted education, the educational needs of the gifted are still marginalized.  Large discrepancies exist between states with respect to whether gifted education is mandated or warrants funding. And there is little support or expectation for additional teacher training. For example, only three states require that general education teachers have some training in gifted education, and only 17 states require that teachers in gifted programs obtain some form of credentialing in gifted education. If educators, administrators, and governing bodies fail to endorse the importance of gifted education, it may be hard for teachers to appreciate it as well.

Furthermore, many teachers are concerned about equity and the appearance of elitism. ; after all, they are viewed as having already lucked out by merely possessing abilities that surpass their peers. Many worry about how parents in the community will react, and whether less talented children will feel criticized if gifted children receive different services. For example, Gallagher and colleagues¹, found that while teachers acknowledged that ability grouping would be beneficial, they failed to recommend it because of concerns about how the community would react, how other children in the classroom might feel, and whether it would be viewed as elitist.

                 

4. Attitudes, stereotypes, and resentment

Just like anyone else, teachers possess their own subjective attitudes and opinions about gifted students. In light of the relative absence of training in gifted education, most are left to call upon their own personal experiences to formulate opinions about gifted education, gifted children and their families. In a review of the literature, McCoach and Siegel² reported contradictory findings from studies of teachers’ attitudes toward gifted students, with some studies finding positive and others identifying negative attitudes toward gifted children. They also found widely discrepant attitudes among teachers in their own study, ranging from highly positive to extremely negative.

Teachers also may be as influenced by cultural as the rest of us. Researchers Geake and Gross³ summarized the literature and theorized that widespread appreciation of sports and performing arts abilities in our culture is consistent with a view that developing these talents serves others, as it can potentially bring enjoyment to the community. However, the development of intellectual talent is perceived as selfish, leading to benefits solely for the individual. In addition, the authors pointed out that teachers may have negative perceptions of gifted students because of stereotypes that portray gifted people as , self-centered and overly confident. They suggest that these entrenched belief systems hamper progress in gifted education. Their study regarding the effects of training offered a hopeful note, however, as teachers who completed a professional development program in gifted education developed more positive perceptions of gifted students.

Some teachers may have their own conscious or unconscious reactions to gifted individuals that are then reenacted in the classroom. These may reflect feelings they have about their own abilities, personal experiences from childhood, or lingering resentment from prior confrontations with parents of gifted children. Teaching is a demanding job, and some teachers may be overwhelmed just trying to keep students in line, manage behavioral problems, and address struggling students who lag behind their peers. They may feel resentment in the face of these competing demands when parents expect them to challenge their gifted child. 

So why should you care?

Understanding your child’s teacher and how giftedness is perceived is invaluable. What, you say? Isn’t it this person's job to teach? Why should I have to worry about the teacher’s opinions and viewpoint? Well, there are good reasons to care. The more you understand the classroom dynamics, administrative demands, and the teacher's professional experience with gifted education, the more effectively you can collaborate and communicate about your child's needs. While you may never know the teacher's personal opinions, gaining knowledge about the school culture, administrative policies and classroom stressors can give you a clearer sense of direction and help you decide which battles to wage. You may not like it, but you are your child's best , and your child is best served when you form a partnership with the teacher and school. Next blog post:

Related blog posts on this topic: ; .

References

¹Gallagher, S., Smith, S., & Merrotsy, P. (2007). Teachers perceptions of the socioemotional development of intellectually gifted primary aged students and their attitudes towards ability grouping and acceleration. Gifted and Talented International, 26, 11-24.

²McCoach, D., & Siegle, D. (2007). What predicts teachers’ attitudes toward the gifted? Gifted Child Quarterly, 51, 246-255.

³Geake, J. & Gross, M. (2008). Teachers’ negative affect toward

academically gifted students: An evolutionary psychological study. Gifted Child Quarterly, 52, 217-231.

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Tips for taming test anxiety (because even gifted kids get anxious)

Even gifted kids get anxious. Contrary to popular belief, giftedness does not necessarily endow children with the confidence to sail through exams without a worry. Many gifted children, adolescents and college students suffer from disabling test anxiety that affects performance, and self-esteem. Test anxiety pops up at the most inopportune times, and can be completely unexpected, an occasional nuisance, or a chronic obstacle. Its origins may be simple or complex, and whether you are a sufferer or the parent of one, you can learn how to overcome this burden.

Identify behaviors that interfere

Determine whether the reason for test anxiety is as simple as lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or inadequate preparation. Many gifted children are so accustomed to exerting little effort in school that they may be shocked when they finally encounter an exam that is challenging or one where they are caught unprepared. Often they have never learned basic study skills, and may be reluctant to ask for help. Concepts such as setting aside structured time free from distraction, knowing the material completely (yes, actually reading the whole textbook), and confronting procrastination are new to them.

Identify physiological triggers

As gifted individuals are frequently oversensitive, their nervous system may be primed to recognize and overreact to minor sensations that others might easily ignore. A slightly increased heart rate, a tense stomach, or sweaty palms, all normal physiological signs of readiness for a new and somewhat stressful situation, might be misinterpreted by an overly reactive person as symptoms of panic and fear, resulting in an even greater escalation of symptoms. Instead, these signs need to be seen as evidence of readiness for a challenge, similar to the surge of adrenaline that occurs before a race.

Identify negative emotions and attitudes

Sometimes, test anxiety stems from worrying about performance, fear of failure, perfectionism, concerns about maintaining a particular status or GPA, or low self-esteem. Some gifted children can be driven to achieve, and may worry that their test performance may not reflect their passion and mastery of a topic. Others may fear disappointing parents or teachers if they receive a less than perfect grade. Some doubt themselves and question whether they can keep up with the other students, and assume that test scores will confirm or invalidate their abilities, and even define their sense of self-worth. Sometimes these fears can be addressed through "cognitive-behavioral" techniques that challenge faulty assumptions and distorted beliefs, such as developing positive self-statements that challenge negative thoughts, and learning relaxation and mindfulness techniques to stay focused and calm. Other times, to understand and overcome these difficulties.

So what can you do to improve your confidence and keep calm during tests?

Work on the basics (develop good study skills!)

• Study thoroughly – know your material completely (no skimming or Spark notes)
• Use good study skills – outlining, note cards, highlighting, writing summaries, etc.
• Ask for help when you need it – get help with difficult material and with developing study skills
• Set aside a structured time and place for homework that is quiet and free from distractions. Turn off the phone and message alerts on the computer.

Prepare for the test

•  Get enough sleep and eat a good breakfast.
•  Avoid conversations with other students about their worries about the test, since this can increase your anxiety.
• Ask your teacher for a change in seating if your seat is in a very distracting location.
• Practice stress management techniques. These can include meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness, yoga, and relaxation techniques. While sometimes these techniques can be learned through books, CDs or classes, meeting with a psychologist, yoga teacher or meditation teacher may be beneficial.
• Practice a technique called imaginal rehearsal. Picture yourself at your desk in school feeling relaxed and confident, as you calmly take the test, free from anxiety.
• Challenge negative beliefs and develop positive self-talk. Identify some of the negative thoughts that create self-doubt, such as assuming you will fail, or that you will become anxious during the test. Develop statements that can challenge these assumptions. These can include short statements to boost confidence, such as, "I know I can handle this," to challenges related to specific worries, such as "I don't have to get an A to win my family's approval." Some books listed below offer suggestions for this technique, but a psychologist may be helpful if you need more support with this.  

Strategies for test-taking

• Do something relaxing or distracting right before the test.
• Start working on the test immediately. Plan what you want to do first or just start writing, but don’t hesitate.
• Skip questions that seem too difficult – you can return to them later. Plan to use the entire class period for the test. Outline your response for essay questions.
• Don’t aim for perfection.
• Use deep breathing techniques to calm yourself.
• Usemindfulness techniques to “let go” of anxiety. Notice distracting thoughts, but don't “follow them.” Let them drift away and refocus on the test.
• Take short breaks during the test to close your eyes, breathe deeply and relax.
• Use a squeeze ball to release tension, or tense and relax your muscles.
• Remind yourself that some tension is normal; use it as an ally like adrenaline in a race. A pounding heart means you are excited and eager to take on the test, not that you are afraid of it.
• Repeat a calming “mantra” to yourself. Identify a calming phrase or word  that you can use to calm yourself and feel grounded.
• Remind yourself that negative self-talk is unproductive and remember your positive self-statements.                                                

These steps listed above are suggestions that you or your child could try. Taking an inventory of problem behaviors that can be changed is an essential first step. Some books that offer guidance are listed below. Negative attitudes and low self-esteem are often the most difficult symptoms of test anxiety to address, though, since they are not easily remedied by simple behavioral tools. Gifted children and adolescents who are burdened with self-doubt, perfectionism and low self-esteem frequently benefit from the support and guidance of a therapist who can help them understand and overcome these perceptions, and stop the cycle of anxiety before it escalates and becomes a chronic problem.

If you have found other tools that have worked, please let us know in the comments section. Thanks!

Suggested readings:

Biegel, G. (2009). The stress reduction workbook for teens: Mindfulness skills to help you deal with stress. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Bourne, E. (2010). The anxiety and phobia workbook. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.    
Burns, D. (2008). Feeling good: The new mood therapy. New York: Harper.      

Schab, L. (2009). The anxiety workbook for teens: Activities to help you deal with anxiety and worry. Oakland, CA: Harbinger Publications.

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Guiding the gifted through difficult times: James Webb's, "Searching for Meaning"

We know that gifted, high ability individuals have intellectual skills well above the norm. We know that they often possess overexcitabilities and heightened sensitivities. But disillusionment and existential depression?

Clinical psychologist, professor, author, and founder of , Dr. James Webb vividly captures the difficult journey many gifted individuals traverse in his most recent book, “Searching for meaning: Idealism, bright minds, disillusionment and hope.”

"Existential depression arises from idealism, disillusionment, and feelings of alienation, emptiness, and aloneness, and it is more common among gifted individuals. The gifted become depressed particularly because their high intellect allows them to contemplate the cosmos and their very small place within it” (pp. 79-80).

Webb highlights common features of giftedness, such as heightened sensitivity, intensity, concern with fairness and justice, and curiosity about the meaning of life, often manifest at an early age. Gifted children frequently develop a sense of idealism and purpose, and a drive to solve and remedy the problems of the world. Unfortunately, this passion may lead to frustration:

“As bright, curious and observant children grow up, they become aware that so many of the things that parents, teachers, and community leaders claim about the world are false…” (p.12).

Even at a young age, gifted children may be passionately concerned about war, poverty and injustice, and also cognizant of the hypocrisy, insincerity and lack of compassion demonstrated by others. They quickly learn that they don’t quite fit in with mainstream thinking or with many of their peers, and adult authority figures and religious and cultural institutions may offer little guidance. As Webb states, "perhaps the most extensive problem for idealists is… recognizing, managing and living with the disillusionment and loneliness that often come with being an idealist” (p.28). 

According to Webb, existential depression occurs when an individual becomes aware of four fundamental issues: 1) the realities of existence – we are mortal and ultimately alone; 2) that meaning and value are what we assign them to be; 3) human connection - that attachment and social identity are issues we must resolve; and 4) freedom and free will involve choices that can be both enlivening and also terrifying. Gifted individuals' intellectual abilities and overexcitabilities make them more sensitive to existential issues and affect their response to them.

“Disillusionment is a necessary first step toward enlightenment and self-growth” (p.80).

Dr. Webb incorporates the wisdom of philosophers, researchers, psychologists, and a wealth of clinical experience into his writing. While he outlines the trajectory from youthful idealism to disillusionment and existential depression, he ends with a hopeful outlook and recommendations for arriving at self-acceptance. He provides examples of maladaptive coping, and then offers healthy strategies for managing disillusionment and depression that are both inspiring and motivational. It is well-written, easy to read, and as reassuring as it is thought-provoking. And while many will pick up this book to understand more about their child or student, most will also come away with greater clarity and awareness about themselves.  

Webb, J. (2013). Searching for meaning: Idealism, bright minds, disillusionment, and hope. Tucson, AZ: Great Potential Press.

For other blog reviews of this book, see  and  

If you have read this book, please leave a comment about what you think.

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Parenting an Underachiever? Can You Say Heartache?

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I didn't learn about what it means to be gifted until fairly late in the game. Looking back, it’s amazing that I survived at all. The condescending calls from teachers, the homework battles, parenting books filled with advice that NEVER worked, watching my child descend into despair … all the while feeling SO ALONE.

Hindsight may be 20 – 20, but in my case, it’s difficult to see that things could have been any different. With one possible exception … knowing what the heck was going on! Blogs were non-existent when I started my journey as a parent.

The advent of blogs for parents of gifted kids is a relatively new occurrence. How I wish this was not true. I must admit a bit of envy ~ yes ENVY for parents today. I read blogs every day and seek out blogs pertaining to gifted parenting. Some have excellent advice; some not.

The point is … if you are parenting an underachiever, you certainly are not ALONE. You know the old saying, “Misery loves company”? Well, it sure can feel like misery when your child is underachieving and NO ONE seems to know what to do or how to help. TOO MANY people seemingly love to point fingers and place blame; but how does that help you and your child?

The simple answer is that it doesn't help. So, what can help? Learning about and understanding that underachievement is a growing phenomenon and something that is best dealt with when recognized early. Although it’s never too late to address this issue, it easier to do while your child is young and not sinking into the abyss.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. When your child is identified as gifted, DO NOT take it for granted. Advocate from day one. Advocate for an appropriate, individualized education program. Find out what is already available; then research programs to enhance those offerings. Appreciate the benefits of technology in the gifted classroom. Explore all your options.

Finally, you may have to accept that this is one situation beyond your control and things may not turn out as you had planned or even hoped for; life is like that sometimes. It’s not the end of the world. Children grow up and life goes on. Love does survive.

Is that the end of the story? Not at all! You can make a difference in your child’s life. It’s not easy parenting a rebellious kid who is failing in school or who may have already dropped out. As the parent of a gifted child who is not living up to their potential, you must NEVER give up! If you don’t think you can handle it on your own, seek help. With your support, your child will make it! 

If you would like resources to help on the journey, please comment below and I will send you both online and offline resources. 

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Gifted or pretty: What do parents want for their daughters?

Parents want the best for their children. They dream, worry and search for answers. Are google inquiries a reflection of parents’ greatest hopes and fears? Are these searches the repository of our culture’s collective views about what is most important for our children?

A recent New York Times op-ed  by Seth Stephens-Davidowitz highlighted a troubling finding: a higher proportion of google searches were directed toward finding out whether boyswere gifted, and whether girls were pretty or overweight.

Is intelligence less important for families of girls?

At first glance, this finding stands in contrast to recent academic successes among women. More girls than boys graduate from high school, attend college, and graduate from college. According to the National Center for Education Statistics, by 2010, women received 58% of bachelor’s degrees, 60% of master’s degrees and 52% of doctoral degrees in the U.S. And an international survey of 34 countries in 2009 by the Organisation of Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD) (summarized in the ) reported that more girls (58%) than boys completed secondary education in 32 of these countries.

Girls are typically more verbally skilled at an early age and are less likely to exhibit learning disabilities. They are often more socially mature, and adapt more easily to typical classroom settings than boys. Gifted programs often contain a higher proportion of girls. Nevertheless, Stephens-Davidowitz’s study suggests that parents as a whole are more likely to invest energy into questions about their sons’ intellectual talents and potential.

Do these results also imply that as a culture, we are still more concerned with girls’ beauty and less with their abilities? Are we more worried about whether our boys will be smart than we are about our girls?

There is no question that many girls feel conflicted about their abilities. Many dumb themselves down to be popular, avoid traditionally male careers, such as the , and conform to social pressure. Girls are frequently influenced by the media and society’s pressure to be thin, fit and tan. Airbrushed, photoshopped images of models and celebrities create unattainable expectations of perfection. Ninety-eight percent of American women are heavier than most models, yet they frequently aspire to these impossible standards. According to the Social Issues Research Centre, eighty percent of adult women are unhappy with their appearance. Many women internalize the media’s standards of an ideal body, and this can be a risk factor for poor body esteem, depressed mood, and eating disorders.

Given our society’s emphasis on weight and appearance in women, it is not surprising that parents worry about how their daughters measure up. However, as Stephens-Davidowitz aptly concludes: “How would American girls’ lives be different if parents were half as concerned with their bodies and twice as intrigued by their minds?”

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Gifted and arrogant: What does "Sherlock" reveal about giftedness?

The BBC hit series, “Sherlock,” portrays a modern-day Sherlock Holmes (and his sidekick Watson, who, of course, blogs) in a witty, engaging portrayal of the master detective. What stands out, though, is a depiction of a highly gifted individual who behaves arrogantly, says whatever he thinks, and falls short in relationships. Highly gifted intellect and asynchronous development that entertains. But should we be laughing?

While engaging, and not as blatantly stereotypical, say, as Sheldon, the gifted, socially awkward scientist on “The Big Bang Theory,” Sherlock reinforces the assumption that highly gifted people are impossible to fathom, socially aberrant, and hold contempt toward those less brilliant, entertaining or talented. When Sherlock refuses to engage with people because they bore him, or chastises others for their stupidity, he conveys the arrogance often attributed to the gifted.

Yet, are highly gifted people really arrogant?

A study at the University of Nebraska conducted by Paul Silvia and colleagues identified a correlation between individuals self-identified as highly creative and a lower score representing honesty and humility on a measure of personality traits. However, the researchers noted limitations in the study, as subjects were young college students, and measures of creativity were only based on self-report. Also it is not known whether subjects in this study were actually gifted, or just inclined toward creative pursuits.

On the other hand, some famous gifted individuals have displayed signs of arrogance. Psychiatrist Neel Burton compiled a of appalling, cringeworthy comments made by creative individuals throughout history. While a blatantly self-inflated sense of self is not common, when someone possesses extraordinary talents, whether intellectual, artistic, or athletic, the individual may lose perspective. 

And gifted individuals may have the same difficulty as anyone else with perspective-taking, or recognizing that others don’t see the world as they do. Their impatience and frustration can quickly progress to a lack of compassion for others who are less capable. While young children may vocalize their irritation without censor, adults may be more circumspect, yet still convey disapproval or boredom through nonverbal communication. Condescension and disdain typically arise from surprise or even disappointment when others can’t keep up with their thinking.  What do you mean you can’t figure that out? How can you not see the point of that book? You really didn’t get that joke?

So, what differentiates arrogance from honest self-reflection in the highly gifted?

Arrogance is the same for gifted individuals as it is for anyone else: it is evident when someone assumes he or she is intrinsically better than others. Arrogance is displayed through self-absorption, entitlement, an air of superiority, and a lack of empathy or caring for others’ opinions or feelings. Whether the result of excessive unwarranted praise, underlying insecurity, or lack of perspective, arrogance can reflect a distorted view of oneself, a level of detachment from others, and at times, more serious emotional disturbance. However, arrogance should not be assumed just because a careful and sober assessment of facts finds that intellect, skills or accomplishments are exceptional.

In fact, while some gifted children and adults may bask in the glow of their abilities, most are actually too self-aware to indulge in this for long. Once they develop the maturity and insight to appreciate the nature of their abilities, gifted individuals typically recognize that with these talents come the burden of expectations, the need for rigor and hard work, and the social and emotional components of giftedness that make life more complicated. Most gifted individuals expect a lot from themselves; they know when they are underperforming and can be highly critical of a finished product, scrutinizing every detail or flaw. Many  by downplaying their abilities, "dumbing themselves down" as teens, or becoming chronic underachievers.

Gifted children, teens and adults may be wrongly perceived as arrogant when they accurately and matter-of-factly state the obvious; they excel at certain things. They possess exceptional intellectual and/or artistic/musical abilities, and when they calmly mention their strengths, express competitive desires, or are pleased with their accomplishments, they may be accused of being arrogant. While humility and modesty are admirable traits, there also must be a time and place for simple acknowledgement of one's strengths. Gifted individuals may be under particular scrutiny when they communicate their abilities or frustrations. Others may become angry or intimidated when a gifted child questions her teacher's accuracy, when a gifted teen makes no attempt to hide his boredom in class, or when a gifted adult acknowledges success.

Gifted children benefit from the same parental and social support as other children with respect to perspective-taking, empathy, and values. They can learn how to express their initiative, passion, impatience, frustration, and excitement over achievements using kindness and tact. They can be reminded that their exceptional abilities are an accident of birth, and make them no more special than others. They can be guided to respect and appreciate another person's perspective, even if they do not agree.

What are your opinions about arrogance and giftedness?

References:

Silvia, P, Kaufman, J., Reiter-Palmon, R., & Weigert, B. (2011). Cantakerous creativity: Honesty-Humility, Agreeableness, and the HEXACO structure of creative achievement. Personality and Individual Differences, 51,687-689.

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