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Hitting/Aggressive Behavior: A Sample Chapter from Positive Parenting in Action

Image credit Clare Bloomfield/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The following is an excerpt from the book Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood.

HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

First, it is important to understand that children who are aggressive are children who are scared, hurt, or feeling disconnected. Small children with limited language and self-awareness lack the sophistication to tell us what is bothering them or maybe even know themselves. Aggression in older children can be a cover-up of those more vulnerable feelings, especially if they have not been taught how to express them appropriately.

I would like to also add that children under the age of 6 don't yet have full access to higher brain functions which allow them to pause and reason. When a young child becomes scared or hurt or is feeling disconnected, they go into that 'fight or flight' mode, operating out of their brain stem, and have little control over their actions. It is for this reason that an aggressive child needs help, not punishment.

Scenario #1:
Your 3 year old has become aggressive toward her baby sister. She tries to hit her and push her over. You're concerned she's really going to hurt the baby.

Behind the behavior: Jealousy, probably. It's hard sharing mom and dad, especially when you used to have them all to yourself. She may fear being ‘replaced’ by the baby and doesn’t understand the demands put on the parents. From her perspective, nothing good has come of this new person entering the house.

ACTION:
1. Set a limit. (“I won’t let you hit.”)

2. Offer empathy and acceptance of her feelings. (“You are disappointed.”)
3. Let her discharge her feelings by crying with your comfort.

4. Help her explore ways to shift her mood.

To expand on this a bit, you will take her safely away from the baby, get down eye-level with her, and set the limit – “I won’t let you hit” (or push, or bite). It is important to acknowledge her feelings of anger or frustration or jealousy that caused her to hit. "You're feeling upset at the baby. Are you upset that I was holding her?" or "She grabbed your toy and that made you angry." Your child is hurting, even though she may look like she isn't. She needs to know it's safe to show her feelings. Tell her it's OK to be angry, and it’s OK to cry, and that you will keep everyone safe. If she melts down in your arms, she is healing. Let her get her emotions out while you provide comfort. After the incident is over and everyone is calm, address the reason behind the behavior.

1. Spend special one-on-one time with each child. Let her pick the activity. Connect with her. She needs to know that she is still just as loved as before, even if you think she already knows.

2. Teach appropriate ways to handle anger. You can do this by talking it through, modeling it, role-playing, puppet shows, books, or stories.

3. Don't punish her for hitting. At 3, remember she didn't have the cognitive resources to stop and think about her actions logically. Teaching her how to handle her anger will serve her much better than punishing her for handling it wrong.

4. Read books to her about babies and about being a big sister. Scenario #2:
Your 19 month old is a biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date.

Behind the behavior: It depends on what was happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, know many more words than they can say. When something triggers a primal emotion, they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of discomfort.

ACTION:Remember the steps above. Remove your child to safety, make sure the child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I won’t let you bite." Validate his feelings; empathize with his upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts." Let your child express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later. The reason I suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it happens is because children do not take information in well 'when they are in 'fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much more likely to learn and retain information when they are calm.

Don't bite him to show him how it feels. You'd be surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember, you are the model for appropriate behavior!

Scenario #3:

You got a call from school. Your 6 year old son punched another student for calling him a bad name.

Behind the behavior: Anger, obviously, and lack of ability to control his actions.

ACTION:While a 6 year old is getting better at managing his anger, this is sometimes hard for adults to do, so it isn't surprising that a child hasn't mastered this yet. When you pick him up from school, you're going to have to control your own anger. Model! Reserve judgment and ask him what happened. Empathize with his hurt feelings at being called a name. It does hurt! Now, because this is not a toddler, you may be tempted to punish or give him a consequence, but that isn't going to solve the problem or teach him how to handle a situation like this better the next time. It's time to problem-solve. Let him do most of the problem-solving with your guidance as needed. You might ask:

1. How can you fix what you've done because the student you punched is hurt, too? If he doesn't come up with an answer, offer a few alternatives, such as call and apologize or write an apology letter.

2. What can you do the next time you get called a name or there is a confrontation? Let him brainstorm. It's good if he comes up with alternatives on his own. If he draws a blank, help him out. You may suggest he walk away, work it out with words, or get help from an adult if the situation requires it.

SUMMARY:
Aggressive behavior is very common in young children and peaks from ages 2-6. While this is a common phase kids go through, it is our responsibility to set appropriate limits and teach alternatives. Discipline is always about teaching them right, not punishing the wrong. With empathy and loving guidance, your child will learn appropriate ways to handle her emotions, and this phase will become a distant memory.

Words Can Get In The Way – How NOT to Talk To Kids by Lori Petro

Do your kids having trouble "listening?" Do you feel like no matter what you say or do - you still end up begging, pleading, negotiating or punishing to get cooperation and usually it's not willing cooperation?

I know I have felt like, despite my valiant attempts to consciously speak with kindness, acknowledge needs, and validate feelings, sometimes - I STILL am left with a child who is emotionally resistant and tough to tolerate. In this moment, there is a fork in the road.
I am faced with two choices - go control freak - or go zen mama. As I wonder WHAT to say next [careful: death trap ahead] - I apply the theoretical principles I know and realize that the best protection is to STOP THINKING and just be SILENT. Yep. Sometimes the best communication is non-verbal.

And the question of what to say - becomes "How do I feel [my way] through this moment?" How can I tolerate these sensations arising in me? It becomes about waiting for the storm of emotions to pass, and being OK with not being OK.

On the other hand, there ARE times, when you need to say MORE and if you've ever felt unsure of how to do it without the subtle shades of blame, shame, judgment and guilt undermining your influence - then make sure you on Pinterest.

One of the things I am asked most often is, "I get it - but WHAT DO I SAY in those moments?" So, the idea of Mindful Mondays was born out of a desire to contribute to your need for "real actionable language."

A couple of months ago, I started posting graphics every Monday on Facebook with ideas for how to speak to children in compassionate, cooperative ways. It is not a perfect script-making process. There are no hard and fast rules for each scenario. Every situation with your child will be unique and require you to access your creativity. Each week, a new picture post like the one above will feature ONE perspective a conflict situation could take - and give you the words and process for changing the way you speak. If you can start to SEE and HEAR examples of new ways of relating and expressing your needs and desires - then your brain will start to pick up on the patterns of this NEW FORMULA for --> observation --> feelings --> needs --> requests + cooperative problem solving.

If you don't know what to say - be sure to check out Facebook each Monday for a NEW scenario and share it with your friends because WE need our communities to participate if we are going to see global change.And be sure the check back tomorrow for a brand new episode of !

Warmly, Lori
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Lori Petro is a Mom, Children’s Advocate and Speaker. She is passionate about transforming our world through conscious parenting compassionate communication, and peaceful conflict resolution. You can find Lori's 47-page eBook plus audio download, The ABCs of Conscious Parenting, retail value $68, in the Essential Parenting Collection. To view the entire collection,

It is also part of the Mindful Guidance mini-bundle which you can purchase separately if you choose. To view the Mindful Guidance mini bundle, .

*This post contains affiliate links.

Ten reasons why your gifted child procrastinates

Procrastination: that vexing time thief so many gifted children face. You watch as your bright, curious child, passionately engaged in so many interests, comes to a screeching halt when a project is due. You coax, cajole, demand, bribe, threaten, and stand on your head, yet nothing will budge. What gives?

While most people procrastinate from time to time, some develop a chronic pattern fraught with avoidance, disorganization and frantic efforts as deadlines loom. Before you nag your child one more time, rush out and buy yet another self-help book, or hit your head against the wall, you may first want to sort out the reasons for the procrastination. Usually there are one or more contributing factors, and if you sort these out, you may be better prepared to tackle the problem.

Here are some possible reasons for procrastination:

1. Distractibility - Some gifted children are so immersed in their interests that they have difficulty focusing on the task at hand. They become easily distracted by more engaging ideas or projects. Overscheduling can exacerbate this problem; however, distractions can arise even without competing demands once the child's passions and interests take hold.

2. Disorganization - Gifted children can struggle with poor organizational and planning abilities and can lack time management skills. Despite motivation to complete a project, they may become overwhelmed when it involves more attention to details or long-range planning than usual. Difficulty managing their time and structuring how they will work is frequently the root of this problem.

3. Apathy - Sometimes gifted children have become so bored and disgusted with school that they lose interest and don’t really care about the quality of their work. They delay completing assignments because the work seems meaningless. They would rather engage in a multitude of other activities than “waste” their time on rote paperwork or assignments that seem too easy.

4. Past success - Some gifted children procrastinate because they can get away with it. Many have learned that completing assignments at the last minute does not diminish the quality of their work or harm the outcome. They know they can do better, but with a track record of excellent grades behind them, they realize they don’t have to work very hard to just slide by.

5. Rebellion - Procrastination can be an expression of resistance or quiet rebellion against completing an assignment a child resents. It is a means of devaluing the project, minimizing its importance, and expressing anger about having to work on something unappealing. Even if the project is eventually completed, delaying it until the last minute is a form of silent protest that may feel empowering to the child.

6. Perfectionism - High expectations of achieving success can create and a desire to delay that which is distressing. When gifted children worry that they might not excel on a given task, they may put it off until the last possible minute. Clearly, this can be a recipe for increased anxiety and inevitable 11:00 PM melt-downs.

7. Self-sabotage - Some gifted children (and gifted in particular) try to hide their abilities from others. In an attempt to they may disguise their talents, perform poorly, and disengage from academics. Procrastination may reflect their ambivalence about confronting this dilemma and uncertainty about whether to minimize their abilities or live up to their potential. And if the quality of their work suffers, then they can perpetuate the image they want to convey.

8. Insecurity - Despite their apparent skills, some gifted children doubt their abilities. They may feel like "imposters" and worry that their inadequacies will be "discovered" at any time. They believe that they have an image to uphold and if they fail in some manner, they will be outed as a fraud. Delaying completion of a project is a means of avoiding the inevitable anxiety that arises when they confront this fear.

9. Shame - Along with insecurity, some gifted children experience feelings of shame if they fail to excel. They react as if this is an indictment against their intelligence and suspect that others will view them as inadequate. As a result, procrastination can be an excuse; if a less than perfect grade is attributed to a rushed, last-minute effort, then the child can believe that actual ability was never to blame.

10. Depression - Occasionally, procrastination may be a symptom of depression. However, it usually coincides with other signs, such as withdrawal and isolation from peers, apparent sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and irritability. In these situations, procrastination may be a reflection of feelings of hopelessness and a perception that school work lacks any meaning.

Sorting out the cause of your child's procrastination is the first step toward working on the problem. A one-size-fits-all approach based on the latest self-help ideas may not work for your child's specific situation. Clearly, a child whose procrastination is the result of perfectionism and shame will need a different approach than one whose primary concern is apathy.

Gather information, speak with your child, listen to what your child thinks. Make a decision about whether the problem is behavioral (habits, distractibility, time management), school based (boredom, apathy), and/or the result of anxiety or depression. Determine whether intervention needs to occur at home, school, or both, and whether a counselor, school psychologist, or would help to address the problem. (More on treating procrastination in a future blog post.)

Let us know what you think about procrastination in the comments section below.

What's the Deal with Consequences..When They're Older?

In 2011, I wrote where I said, Throw the word "consequence" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term "problem-solving." That's quite good advice, if I do say so myself. Replacing "consequence" with "problem-solving" helps you see the problem in a new way. Now, rather than coming up with something that will make your child sorry, you're teaching your child how to correct his mistakes and learn from them.

I have 2.5 more years of parenting under my belt now. Parenting years are sort of like dog years. I'm fairly sure I age 7 years per 1 year of parenting, but with it comes a little more wisdom as well. At least, wisdom in my own journey.

What about when you've problem-solved it to death and your child still makes a wrong choice? What about when the natural consequence is too dangerous or your child doesn't give a flip about the natural consequence? What then?

First, I think it's important to define punishment and consequences.

pun·ish·ment noun \ˈpə-nish-mənt\: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution

Punishment is making your child suffer, experience pain, or experience loss in order to serve as retribution. So, obviously spanking (causing pain), grounding (causing suffering or loss), or taking away toys or privileges (causing loss) are all about one thing, you intend to make the child suffer because of her behavior. The thing about punishment is that "serving as retribution" doesn't last. That's why the majority of offenders who get out of jail repeat an offense. Retribution doesn't really teach us anything valuable. In most cases, it serves to just make us angry and vengeful.

con·se·quence noun \ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌkwen(t)s: something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions

That sounds more helpful, except we have an uncanny knack for turning these into punishments, too. This is where the line gets blurry. I fought with myself over the semantics of consequences and punishments for quite a while, and I came to the conclusion that intent is really what separates the two. There are 2 keys in turning from retribution to teaching: INTENT and EMPATHY.

Natural consequences and problem-solving are still the best way to go, even for older children, but, let's be honest, they don't always apply. Sometimes there needs to be an immediate lesson by the parent. If your daughter hits a ball through the neighbor's window, she'll learn a lot more by working for the money to pay for the window than she will by losing her cell phone for a month. Working for the money isn't punishment. You're intent isn't to make her suffer. You're teaching her how to right her wrongs, and that's a really important lesson. However, even though your intent might be good, if there is no empathy, you stand the chance of it backfiring and making her feel negatively towards you and blame you for her feelings and mistakes. That would look like this:

"You idiot! Why didn't you watch what you were doing? You're going to work and pay Mr. Anderson back EVERY PENNY for that window! You can kiss your social life goodbye because you're going to be too busy WORKING!!"

Your intent was good enough, but there was no empathy. You just made her feel like a crummy person and now she's going to internalize that and resent every penny she has to earn. So, in the end, she'll learn that righting her wrongs is associated with negative feelings of worth, and so how often is she going to want to right her wrongs in the future?

How about this?

"Oh my goodness! Mr. Anderson's window is broken. I understand it was an accident. We all make mistakes. What are you going to do about this?"

If she says something like "I'll go apologize" or even "nothing," she'll need more coaching.

"An apology is a good place to start, but the window is your responsibility. It'll need to be paid for."

Now, she's still not likely to be thrilled about doing the work, and that's fine. If you give her empathy all along the way, such as "I'm really sorry that you can't go out with your friends today. You did promise Mr. Anderson you'd weed his garden to help pay for that window. You're doing a really responsible thing, and I'm proud of you," she's much more likely to build on her self worth (she's capable and responsible) and, in the end, feel good that she made it right.

Here's an example straight out of my own home. My son recently poured out an entire new bottle of body wash in the tub and fed the dog an entire huge bag of dog treats all within a 24 hour timespan. Now, had this been the first time or the second time he'd wasted something, we'd have talked about it. But it wasn't the first time or the second time, and he was developing a habit of wasting things, and obviously my chats weren't sticking with him. So, I told him I was sorry he'd made the choice to waste the soap and treats, that he was good kid and I knew he'd just wanted lots of bubbles and to make the dog really happy, but that these things cost money and we weren't made of the stuff, so he'd need to use his allowance money to buy new soap and treats.

He wasn't exactly thrilled about using his allowance money, but that isn't the point. The point is that I affirmed that he had good intentions, but I let him know it was still a poor choice. I didn't yell or shame him. We had this conversation while he was cuddled in my lap. The next time we went to the store, he got out his little wallet and paid for those 2 items - albeit a bit begrudgingly. He hasn't wasted anything since then, and it's been several weeks now.

The natural consequence, of course, would have been that he had nothing to bathe in for a week and, well, eww. That doesn't work for me, and frankly he wouldn't have cared about that anyway. So while natural is great, it isn't always feasible.

What about when your child is verbally or physically aggressive to her sibling? The natural consequence may take years to show up, and the result would be a ruined relationship between the two. You could make her go to her room, but what is she really going to be thinking about in there?

If she's young, you'll problem-solve. How can you handle this better next time? What do you do with anger? Let me show you how to handle anger without hurting your sister.

For an older child whom you've already problem-solved with, given her tools, taught her what to do, and she still chooses to call her sister a "stupid butthead," what is one to do?

What I do is I take the aggressor off with me and we go to the table. I read him our family rules, and I have him write down the rule that pertains to what he did. So if he called his brother a name, he writes the rule about how we treat each other with respect. The writing is to help him memorize the rule better. Then I ask him how he's going to make it up to his brother. It is now his responsibility to repair the relationship. He almost always chooses to make him a drawing of them holding hands. He takes the drawing to his brother and they make up instantly. Children are very forgiving.

You may be thinking that if he "almost always chooses" something, that this must not be solving the problem because it keeps happening. Well, it is happening less and less, and I don't expect perfection. I still do things that cause me to need to repair my relationships! The goal is not to make them perfect, but to make them responsible, and teaching them how to repair rifts in relationships is a life skill that will serve them well. Sitting in a time out chair to think about it doesn't teach them that skill. I asked my kid once, years ago, what he thought about while he was in time-out. He said, "How mad I am at you." Well, that worked well.

Last one. Just the other day, my 5 year old decided not to pick up his toys. Most of the time, he cooperates just fine, but not this particular day. I'd asked him several times while I was running about cleaning and picking up other rooms, and he just kept saying, "You do it." I'd said, "I'm busy with the rest of the house, please pick them up. I need to vacuum that room." I came back in, and he hadn't done it. I picked them all up and I put them in the back of the house where he couldn't get to them. "Since you chose not to pick up your toys after I'd asked you nicely several times, I did pick them up for you, but now they're put away for the rest of the day." That sure looks like an good old-fashioned punishment, but what was my intent and did I deliver with empathy? He didn't pick up the toys, so he lost them - that's a logical consequence to not picking them up. A natural consequence would be that the playroom was a wreck and wouldn't get vacuumed, but that doesn't work for me. He wouldn't care if it didn't get vacuumed anyway, so the natural consequence in that case wasn't helpful.

We all have to figure out what works best for our children in the time and space that we're in. We grow as we learn, and we learn as we go. Always keep your relationship #1, and as Og Mandino said, "Do all things with love."

That's what really matters.

Underachievement: An Alternate Course of Action

Photo Courtesy: Morguefile

In my last post, I promised resources for those who requested them. While pulling together the list of links below, I came across several forgotten gems on the topic; articles which have influenced my thinking but escaped my memory. I would be remiss if I did not thank two authors whose work has had a profound impact on how I approach this subject ~ Mr. Josh Shaine and Dr. James Delisle. Their articles are the most parent-friendly ones I have ever come across. I highly recommend you read their articles first.

The term ‘underachievement’ is about as prickly as the term ‘gifted’. There are lots of definitions and parameters, but little agreement on what the term actually means. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling about the connotations surrounding underachievement. As a parent, it made me sad to think of a child as an underachiever.

When did the child become an underachiever?

Where could a parent have gone wrong?

As it turns out, neither the child nor their parent actually did anything wrong. You wouldn’t know that to listen to teachers, psychologists or ‘experts’ in the field of gifted education who try to tell a different story. They are quick to point to the symptoms of underachievement, but are at a loss for words when it comes to causes. And there is a good reason for that …

You see … this is a classic case of blame the victim. Something has to be wrong with the child that they are simply not living up to their potential (or should I say to someone else’s expectations?).

In Delisle’s article, he acknowledges that there are students who do not perform as well as they could academically, but he insists we stop blaming the child. Rather, he explains we should start making a difference by changing ‘our’ vocabularyand attitude about underachievement.

I couldn’t agree more. Last summer, I sat in a session with one of the leading ‘experts’ on the topic of underachievement. It was all about how to fix the underachieving child. During the presentation, she had an activity for the audience. Not accepting the premise of the activity, I chose not to participate. This did not sit well with this expert. She actually came to my table to ask me personally to join in. When I said “no”, she became flustered and walked away. The irony of my actions obviously escaped her.

As parents, we often expect a lot from our children when they are identified as ‘gifted’ … perhaps we expect TOO much forgetting that they are still children? I know – this flies in the face of another group of experts - who say we must push, and push, and push. Well, many of these gifted children are a lot smarter than the experts and that includes the ones who label them as underachievers.

Photo Courtesy: Morguefile

Don’t the same experts advise parents to do all we can to encourage creativity? Then they tell us how to get our children to conform to an uninspired curriculum offered in many classrooms today. We are told to coerce our children into completing the 10 to 12 worksheets they are handed every day for homework ... or endure being labeled another ‘esteem-killing’ term … lazy.

Another course of action:

· Forget the term ‘underachievement’

· Explore why your child lacks interest

· Change the environment, not your child

· Encourage your child to find their passion

· Be patient with your child

Links:

by Dr. James Delisle

by Josh Shaine

(Companion piece to Underachievement from the Inside Out) by France Shaine (Josh's mother)

(book) by Joanne Rand Whitmore

(incomplete preview) by Joanne Rand Whitmore

by Jerald Grobman, M.D.

by Sheri Plybon

by Stephen R. Balzac

from Dr. George Betts

(book for teachers) by Patricia L Supplee

Denver, CO

Six tips for communicating with your gifted child's teacher

Okay, so you’re mad. You’ve had it. You want to just march into your child’s classroom and let the teacher know that you’re done with this nonsense. You cannot stand it one more instant – watching your gifted child languish unattended, bored, undereducated, unstimulated.

It’s not like you haven’t already tried. You’ve let the teacher know your child wanted more challenging work. You’ve sent carefully worded notes and e-mails. You’ve sat through parent-teacher conferences, nodding politely, tactfully offering a few suggestions. You’ve patiently waited and hoped for something to change.

But wait! If you barrel into the classroom, guns a-blazin' (metaphorically speaking), you risk alienating the very person you need most on your side. It’s just not good strategy to alienate your child’s teacher. Even if nothing has changed so far, you can still develop a plan, work collaboratively with the teacher, and chip away at the problem.

What are the steps you need to take?

1. Gather information. Learn as much as you can about gifted children and gifted education. Sites like and are great places to start. The more you know, the more effectively you can . The information you need also includes the laws and guidelines in your and school district, your school's policies for providing gifted services, and the procedures involved. Sometimes these may be listed on your district's website, but other times you may have to ask questions and do some investigative work. You also need to understand the teacher's attitude and approach toward gifted education. (See this previous for more.) The more clearly you appreciate the classroom dynamics, administrative pressures, professional limitations, and personal attitudes that influence the teacher's perspective about giftedness, the more effectively you can communicate your child's needs.

2. Approach the teacher respectfully. You may be frustrated after months of witnessing your child's boredom. You may disagree with the teaching methods your child’s teacher uses. You may not even like the teacher. But this is his or her chosen profession, based on years of training and experience. Immediately challenging the teacher’s approach, offering too many suggestions, or criticizing will create hard feelings. Not only is this hurtful, it is not in the best interest of your child. Even if you don’t think you’re being critical, comments like, “Johnny is so bored,” or “Suzie needs so much more of a challenge than what she is getting,” can be perceived as criticism. No teacher wants to think that students are bored. No teacher wants parents to be upset and angry. And a teacher who feels unfairly criticized can become defensive and reluctant to hear your concerns.

This is the time to swallow your pride, control your anger and approach the teacher with a collaborative spirit. Consider wording your comments so that you convey respect for the teacher’s dedication, expertise, and competing demands. Think about how to express your concerns in a manner that respects the teacher's knowledge and experience. If your child's teacher feels that you appreciate the daily stress and many obligations he or she faces, you may be able to gain trust more easily. Let the teacher know that you are very aware that little Johnny is not the ONLY child in the classroom, that the teacher has many children who need support, and that potential solutions to the problem will take that reality into account.

3. Explain your child to the teacher. Help the teacher understand more about your child, especially if your child’s abilities or learning needs are overlooked. Many gifted children who do not fit typical stereotypes (such as the highly verbal and high achieving student) may not be recognized as gifted, or their behaviors could be as indicative of a more serious problem, such as an emotional disturbance, or attentional problem. Since many teachers have little training or , it may be up to you to educate them. Portray your child in as clear and unbiased a manner as possible, flaws and all, but framed within a context of giftedness. “I’m aware that Johnny seems like a typical ‘asynchronous’ kid; sort of immature socially, so his ability to think deeply stays hidden.” “I know that Susie talks a lot in class and gets distracted. I realize this can be a problem. I’ve found at home that when she is immersed in a project she likes, she gets much more focused, and she quiets down for a while!”

4. Ask for feedback from the teacher. Respect the teacher’s knowledge. Appreciate that the teacher gets to view your child in a different context for seven hours a day, and may have some useful information to offer. Ask for ideas about what the teacher thinks would enhance your child’s educational experience. “What thoughts do you have about offering Johnny more intensive writing opportunities without it appearing like extra homework (which we know he would resist)?” “Given Susie’s math abilities, what course of action do you think would be the best for helping her continue to blossom in this area?” “What are your thoughts about having some of the gifted students work on projects together, so they can at least bounce ideas off of each other in a small group?” Requesting the teacher's input shows respect and your willingness to collaborate. You also will learn how well he or she truly knows your child, what solutions seem feasible, and how likely it is that actual change may occur (and whether you may need to increase your advocacy efforts or change direction).

5. Acknowledge what is working. Let the teacher know what your child enjoys. Use this as a springboard for encouraging more of the same. “Susie was absolutely thrilled with the last science project. She loved getting to research the topic in such depth. Will there be more opportunities for this in the future?” "Johnny was so excited to go to the third grade math class. He really loved the challenge, and we're so glad that the school agreed to accelerate him." Inform the teacher about improvements you have seen in your child. Ask for the teacher’s input with respect to what he or she believes is working as well.

6. Pick your battles. As much as you would love to demand that your child's teacher implement all of your requests, without administrative support, homogeneous classrooms, ability grouping, or a comprehensive gifted program, it is unlikely that your child will receive as much as you would like. Make a wish list and identify the most important goals for your child. If your child has not been yet, request a gifted evaluation. If your child already has been identified as gifted, and if there are safeguards in your state, such as Individualized Education Plans, ensure that the plan includes what you think is necessary and reasonable. Let the teacher know that you realize how constrained he or she must be in terms of competing demands, and suggest changes that would not only benefit your child, but also could make life less complicated for the teacher. For example, subject acceleration where the student leaves for another classroom in the same building requires a lot less effort than having the teacher administer an individualized program tailored to the student.

You may not like these solutions. They may not seem fair. Gifted education should be a right, not a privilege. You should not have to walk on eggshells to advocate for what your child needs!

Valid points. But the reality is that forming a collaborative relationship with your child’s teacher may be the best option you have. It is also good role-modeling for your child. Children can benefit from witnessing their parents advocating for what is needed, but also working collaboratively and cooperatively with others. Yes, some parents homeschool their children, or seek our private schools, beneficial alternatives, but also with some drawbacks. Ultimtately, advocacy for all gifted children and widespread change in how gifted education is implemented is needed. But until then, you have the day to day dilemma of working with your child’s teacher. And the sooner you form a partnership, the more likely you will achieve productive results.

(Note: Forming a partnership with your child's teacher is just one step in the process. There is much more to advocacy. See for more tips about advocacy. A future blog post will cover more about advocacy.)

Adult Entitlement

This meme was made by the Facebook page , using a quote from my book It has been shared thousands of times across Facebook, and while most people agree, there are also many who misunderstand this quote. Misunderstandings are common when we take a part of a book without seeing the surrounding context.

Most often, the misunderstanding is that we don't teach them any better. This is a common misconception of positive parenting. Authoritarians assume that we don't discipline at all just because we aren't spanking or sending our children out of our presence when they aren't living up to our ridiculously high expectations, but true discipline doesn't come through threats and punishments. True discipline is what we teach our children day in and day out in all the million little interactions we have with them. As we model appropriate behavior and teach them diligently day after day how to handle their emotions with techniques such as deep breathing, journaling, or walking away to cool down, as we teach them how to manage themselves within the boundaries of the family, giving them tools they can use instead of consequences they can't, and lovingly, gently correcting, guiding, teaching, coaching, mentoring, we are disciplining - making disciples of - our children, and it takes so much more effort than a quick spanking or a few minutes in a time out chair. Authoritarians think it is absurd to raise children without punishment, but I think it is absurd to expect children to learn how to truly manage themselves by taking something away from them.

But the misunderstandings I most often see point to a larger problem of adult entitlement, and this directly points back to the reason I've chosen a different parenting path.

What happens is, as children, we are told what to do, what to say, how to look, what to like. We raise our hands to go to the bathroom, we get bullied for not fitting in just right, we sit through hours of school and come home to hours of homework. Our feelings are dismissed as ridiculous or annoying. Big kids don't cry! Suck it up! You're being silly! We are criticized on everything from our size to our hairstyles, our grades to our ambitions. Someone is always exerting their power over us until that one day, that one special day when we pass through the magical portal into adulthood. Poof! We go from being the lesser of society to being the top of the chain! Suddenly, overnight, you can no longer hit us without an assault charge. You can no longer criticize us because we adults are covered by the DON'T JUDGE ME ACT that apparently got passed somewhere in recent history. You can't criticize our mistakes any longer! You can't expect us to not grump at our spouse or yell at our kids. We are stressed and worn out and busy, for goodness' sake! And we can't be judged!

Ah, the entitlement of adulthood. The best bit is when we have our own kids, though. Now WE have the power to wield however we'd like. Now we can complain about today's kids because we were complained about, and that evens the score. Now we can dish out punishments if our children don't meet our expectations because it feels good to be on the other side, to be the one with the power! If I don't like your attitude, I can banish you from my sight! I can demand respect for the simple fact that I have passed the magical age of 18 and am now entitled to it, and if you don't show it to me, you can face the consequences! Intoxicating!

The thing is that these entitled adults drop by random parenting pages to tell us how fine they are, how well they've turned out, and in the same breath cuss other people or call them names. They tell us how they learned respect when THEY were kids, and then disrespect people on the threads they're posting in. Go ahead and take a leisurely scroll through a few parenting pages on Facebook and tell me how well behaved and respectful today's adults are.

That's exactly what happens when the threat of consequences are removed. Sure, we have to obey laws, like not stealing or killing anybody, but I have to tell you it's a whole lot easier to stay out of jail than it is to stay out of the corner. Our attitudes though? There's no one to correct us when we get rude and disrespectful, and it's especially prevalent on the internet where, as Sally Clarkson says, . There's no one to stop us from being disrespectful to our kids. In fact, it's almost expected. We can yell at them every day, what are you going to do? We can grump at our spouses and disrespect the store clerk because you can't spank us or put us in time out. No sir! Don't judge me.

Here is a comment left on this meme recently: "Yes I do hold my child to a higher standard than myself I am suppose to. If u continue in the same cycle what have u changed. My child is my child not me. What I achieve is not her best its mines she must be better because its in her. Just like my mother change my behavior I must do the same with my child. Each generation must improve that way the world improves."

I'm sorry, but this is a cop out, plain and simple. It's time adults held ourselves to a higher standard. We need to learn how to control our emotions, handle our frustrations, and speak respectfully to the little ones in our care and even to the people we can't see. We need to stop hitting our kids, stop yelling at them and our spouses, and learn to effectively communicate with the people we love. We need to stand up and be the change. If we can't live up to our own standards, why should we expect our children to?

The quote in the meme doesn't mean don't teach your children better. Please do. It means rise up and give them something to aspire to. That's the only way things will really improve. It starts with me. It starts with you.

*Oh, and I need to mention grace.*

Here's a quote posted on .

While we should absolutely teach our children how to handle their emotions, not project their bad moods, and how to be respectful, there are times when, like us, all they need is grace. Grace isn't an excuse to continue bad behavior, but it's a loving embrace of understanding and acceptance of the soul you're nurturing. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes they mess up. Sometimes we can skip the lecture and just offer grace. If God doesn't expect me to be perfect, I surely don't expect my children to be.

The Three Most Important Parts of Parenting By Sarah MacLaughlin

The Three Most Important Parts of Parenting By Sarah MacLaughlin, LSW, Parenting Coach for Moms and Dads

Let me start by saying that every parent knows their own children best. YOU are the expert on your own child. I aim to not so much give advice, as ask the right questions and offer guidance along the roads that parents travel. So the guidance I will offer is guideposts, actually. Here are three of what I consider to be the most important aspects of good parenting: Respect, relationship, and repair.

First and foremost: respect. This makes sense; we want and need our children to respect us, right? Right. I think the tricky piece here is staying mindful that respect must be a two-way street. This also makes sense; intellectually anyway. Practically speaking, it isn't always easy to respect a small child who needs your near constant supervision and care. It's even harder to hold in high esteem a small person who may not be behaving rationally, managing their emotions, or have all their teeth yet. Let's face it, our culture is not one in which the weak, emotionally volatile, and unreasonable command respect. Along these same lines, we mainly parent within a paradigm where kids are the sponges and we are our child's first teacher. But this is only one side of a much more complex story. As adults we may have more information, knowledge, and common sense than a child. But we forget our duality, and easily dismiss children's inherent gifts of connectedness, creativity, humor, and emotional honesty.

Next: relationship. This is what parenting is all about! Ah, but we are so easily side-tracked into control and behavior management. Rebecca Thompson, executive director of The Consciously Parenting Project, notes that behavioral approaches (consequences, etc.) all stem from the research of B.F. Skinner - you may recall that he worked with laboratory animals? Animals are not people, and although many have proposed that training techniques do work to change conduct in children, often this is not the case, and the result ends up being even more escalated behavior. Ms. Thompson suggests addressing the underlying emotion first, before discussing behavior, or what might be done differently next time. Keep in mind that it's hard to receive feedback on your actions while you are having strong feelings (and brain research confirms this), no matter what your age!

And finally: repair. I'll be honest; sometimes I just don't get it right. We are all human and prone to messing up. Part of repair is being accountable for our actions. Apologize if you've made a mistake. This is a skill all people need; modeling it for your child is incredibly valuable. When we approach a problem, error, or offense of ours or theirs with true curiosity about what can be done to amend, fix, repair, or make restitution, we are on track for learning, making things right, and better behavior in the future. Punishment, criticism, and negative consequences all use fear as a motivator. Ultimately, I'd rather maintain love, not fear, in my connection with my child; repair helps with this.

So keep doing what you're doing! Love your kids, treat them with respect, and remember that your relationship will long outlast the phase where you are parenting them. Hopefully you will have a much longer adult-adult relationship with them than you will have adult-child. Model self-control, kindness, humility, and other qualities you WANT to see in your child. The good news and the bad news is that your children are usually paying very close attention to your behavior. Try to make sure it's desirable.

Why some teachers just don't "get it" about gifted education

Most teachers care about their work. Most would like nothing better than to be able to meet each child’s educational needs, teach creatively and instill a love of learning in their students. Then why are gifted children so frequently overlooked, undereducated and unstimulated? Why do so many parents feel that their child’s teacher just doesn’t “get it” about gifted education?

At first glance, you might think that teaching a gifted child would be a pleasure. Who wouldn’t want to teach a curious, deep-thinking learner who absorbs information like a sponge? And while many teachers embrace all children, including their gifted students, some offer little support for the much-needed enrichment and acceleration these students require.

Why some teachers don't "get it"

1. Competing demands

Teachers are increasingly burdened with meeting administrative, state and federal standards. Meeting these requirements, teaching to the test, and ensuring that struggling students don’t fall behind are paramount. Many are faced with large, heterogeneous classrooms, and asked to “differentiate” instruction, an often impossible expectation. With time constraints and competing demands, it is understandable that “teaching to the middle” saves time and energy. It also makes sense that children with more significant learning needs get most of their attention. The 2011 Fordham Institute affirms this; when teachers were asked where they would direct their energy if they had time available for individualized attention, 80% claimed that they would attend to their struggling students, whereas only 5% stated that their advanced learners would receive attention. In a hectic classroom with limited time and resources, gifted education is less likely to be a priority.

2. Inadequate training

Many teachers have little training in gifted education. The National Center for Gifted Education and Talent Development of 3^rd and 4^th grade teachers found that 61% had not received any staff development or training in gifted education. Without adequate training, a teacher may try to find some “enrichment” to enhance a child’s learning, but the plan may be arbitrary and not necessarily tailored to the child’s academic needs. If the school district lacks a formalized gifted program, there may be even less structure or oversight available. Teachers often have little understanding of the social and emotional needs of the gifted, and may make assumptions based on stereotypes. For example, one study¹ reported that teachers believed acceleration was a beneficial option for academic reasons. However, they assumed that it would have a negative emotional effect, so failed to consistently recommend it as an option for the gifted students.

3. Low priority

Teachers may be responding to a socially accepted culture of widespread neglect toward gifted children. According to a 2012-2013 report from the about the state of gifted education, the educational needs of the gifted are still marginalized. Large discrepancies exist between states with respect to whether gifted education is mandated or warrants funding. And there is little support or expectation for additional teacher training. For example, only three states require that general education teachers have some training in gifted education, and only 17 states require that teachers in gifted programs obtain some form of credentialing in gifted education. If educators, administrators, and governing bodies fail to endorse the importance of gifted education, it may be hard for teachers to appreciate it as well.

Furthermore, many teachers are concerned about equity and the appearance of elitism. ; after all, they are viewed as having already lucked out by merely possessing abilities that surpass their peers. Many worry about how parents in the community will react, and whether less talented children will feel criticized if gifted children receive different services. For example, Gallagher and colleagues¹, found that while teachers acknowledged that ability grouping would be beneficial, they failed to recommend it because of concerns about how the community would react, how other children in the classroom might feel, and whether it would be viewed as elitist.

4. Attitudes, stereotypes, and resentment

Just like anyone else, teachers possess their own subjective attitudes and opinions about gifted students. In light of the relative absence of training in gifted education, most are left to call upon their own personal experiences to formulate opinions about gifted education, gifted children and their families. In a review of the literature, McCoach and Siegel² reported contradictory findings from studies of teachers’ attitudes toward gifted students, with some studies finding positive and others identifying negative attitudes toward gifted children. They also found widely discrepant attitudes among teachers in their own study, ranging from highly positive to extremely negative.

Teachers also may be as influenced by cultural as the rest of us. Researchers Geake and Gross³summarized the literature and theorized that widespread appreciation of sports and performing arts abilities in our culture is consistent with a view that developing these talents serves others, as it can potentially bring enjoyment to the community. However, the development of intellectual talent is perceived as selfish, leading to benefits solely for the individual. In addition, the authors pointed out that teachers may have negative perceptions of gifted students because of stereotypes that portray gifted people as , self-centered and overly confident. They suggest that these entrenched belief systems hamper progress in gifted education. Their study regarding the effects of training offered a hopeful note, however, as teachers who completed a professional development program in gifted education developed more positive perceptions of gifted students.

Some teachers may have their own conscious or unconscious reactions to gifted individuals that are then reenacted in the classroom. These may reflect feelings they have about their own abilities, personal experiences from childhood, or lingering resentment from prior confrontations with parents of gifted children. Teaching is a demanding job, and some teachers may be overwhelmed just trying to keep students in line, manage behavioral problems, and address struggling students who lag behind their peers. They may feel resentment in the face of these competing demands when parents expect them to challenge their gifted child.

So why should you care?

Understanding your child’s teacher and how giftedness is perceived is invaluable. What, you say? Isn’t it this person's job to teach? Why should I have to worry about the teacher’s opinions and viewpoint? Well, there are good reasons to care. The more you understand the classroom dynamics, administrative demands, and the teacher's professional experience with gifted education, the more effectively you can collaborate and communicate about your child's needs. While you may never know the teacher's personal opinions, gaining knowledge about the school culture, administrative policies and classroom stressors can give you a clearer sense of direction and help you decide which battles to wage. You may not like it, but you are your child's best , and your child is best served when you form a partnership with the teacher and school. Next blog post:

Related blog posts on this topic: ; .

References

¹Gallagher, S., Smith, S., & Merrotsy, P. (2007). Teachers perceptions of the socioemotional development of intellectually gifted primary aged students and their attitudes towards ability grouping and acceleration. Gifted and Talented International, 26, 11-24.

²McCoach, D., & Siegle, D. (2007). What predicts teachers’ attitudes toward the gifted? Gifted Child Quarterly, 51, 246-255.

³Geake, J. & Gross, M. (2008). Teachers’ negative affect toward

academically gifted students: An evolutionary psychological study. Gifted Child Quarterly, 52, 217-231.

Tips for taming test anxiety (because even gifted kids get anxious)

Even gifted kids get anxious. Contrary to popular belief, giftedness does not necessarily endow children with the confidence to sail through exams without a worry. Many gifted children, adolescents and college students suffer from disabling test anxiety that affects performance, and self-esteem. Test anxiety pops up at the most inopportune times, and can be completely unexpected, an occasional nuisance, or a chronic obstacle. Its origins may be simple or complex, and whether you are a sufferer or the parent of one, you can learn how to overcome this burden.

Identify behaviors that interfere

Determine whether the reason for test anxiety is as simple as lack of sleep, poor nutrition, or inadequate preparation. Many gifted children are so accustomed to exerting little effort in school that they may be shocked when they finally encounter an exam that is challenging or one where they are caught unprepared. Often they have never learned basic study skills, and may be reluctant to ask for help. Concepts such as setting aside structured time free from distraction, knowing the material completely (yes, actually reading the whole textbook), and confronting procrastination are new to them.

Identify physiological triggers

As gifted individuals are frequently oversensitive, their nervous system may be primed to recognize and overreact to minor sensations that others might easily ignore. A slightly increased heart rate, a tense stomach, or sweaty palms, all normal physiological signs of readiness for a new and somewhat stressful situation, might be misinterpreted by an overly reactive person as symptoms of panic and fear, resulting in an even greater escalation of symptoms. Instead, these signs need to be seen as evidence of readiness for a challenge, similar to the surge of adrenaline that occurs before a race.

Identify negative emotions and attitudes

Sometimes, test anxiety stems from worrying about performance, fear of failure, perfectionism, concerns about maintaining a particular status or GPA, or low self-esteem. Some gifted children can be driven to achieve, and may worry that their test performance may not reflect their passion and mastery of a topic. Others may fear disappointing parents or teachers if they receive a less than perfect grade. Some doubt themselves and question whether they can keep up with the other students, and assume that test scores will confirm or invalidate their abilities, and even define their sense of self-worth. Sometimes these fears can be addressed through "cognitive-behavioral" techniques that challenge faulty assumptions and distorted beliefs, such as developing positive self-statements that challenge negative thoughts, and learning relaxation and mindfulness techniques to stay focused and calm. Other times, to understand and overcome these difficulties.

So what can you do to improve your confidence and keep calm during tests?

Work on the basics (develop good study skills!)

Study thoroughly – know your material completely (no skimming or Spark notes)
Use good study skills – outlining, note cards, highlighting, writing summaries, etc.
Ask for help when you need it – get help with difficult material and with developing study skills
Set aside a structured time and place for homework that is quiet and free from distractions. Turn off the phone and message alerts on the computer.

Prepare for the test

Get enough sleep and eat a good breakfast.
Avoid conversations with other students about their worries about the test, since this can increase your anxiety.
Ask your teacher for a change in seating if your seat is in a very distracting location.
Practice stress management techniques. These can include meditation, deep breathing, mindfulness, yoga, and relaxation techniques. While sometimes these techniques can be learned through books, CDs or classes, meeting with a psychologist, yoga teacher or meditation teacher may be beneficial.
Practice a technique called imaginal rehearsal. Picture yourself at your desk in school feeling relaxed and confident, as you calmly take the test, free from anxiety.
Challenge negative beliefs and develop positive self-talk. Identify some of the negative thoughts that create self-doubt, such as assuming you will fail, or that you will become anxious during the test. Develop statements that can challenge these assumptions. These can include short statements to boost confidence, such as, "I know I can handle this," to challenges related to specific worries, such as "I don't have to get an A to win my family's approval." Some books listed below offer suggestions for this technique, but a psychologist may be helpful if you need more support with this.

Strategies for test-taking

Do something relaxing or distracting right before the test.
Start working on the test immediately. Plan what you want to do first or just start writing, but don’t hesitate.
Skip questions that seem too difficult – you can return to them later. Plan to use the entire class period for the test. Outline your response for essay questions.
Don’t aim for perfection.
Use deep breathing techniques to calm yourself.
Usemindfulness techniques to “let go” of anxiety. Notice distracting thoughts, but don't “follow them.” Let them drift away and refocus on the test.
Take short breaks during the test to close your eyes, breathe deeply and relax.
Use a squeeze ball to release tension, or tense and relax your muscles.
Remind yourself that some tension is normal; use it as an ally like adrenaline in a race. A pounding heart means you are excited and eager to take on the test, not that you are afraid of it.
Repeat a calming “mantra” to yourself. Identify a calming phrase or word that you can use to calm yourself and feel grounded.
Remind yourself that negative self-talk is unproductive and remember your positive self-statements.

These steps listed above are suggestions that you or your child could try. Taking an inventory of problem behaviors that can be changed is an essential first step. Some books that offer guidance are listed below. Negative attitudes and low self-esteem are often the most difficult symptoms of test anxiety to address, though, since they are not easily remedied by simple behavioral tools. Gifted children and adolescents who are burdened with self-doubt, perfectionism and low self-esteem frequently benefit from the support and guidance of a therapist who can help them understand and overcome these perceptions, and stop the cycle of anxiety before it escalates and becomes a chronic problem.

If you have found other tools that have worked, please let us know in the comments section. Thanks!