I didn't start out with the plan to co-sleep with my children. In fact, I worked hard on the perfect nursery for my new little one to match the beautiful rooms I'd seen in the magazines and on television.
I adored the final result! It made it seem so real! A baby was coming!
He never slept a single night in there. Not one. I rocked him in there a few times in the wee hours of the morning, just to make the room feel useful!
He started out in a bassinet beside my bed. When he outgrew that, we moved that crib into our bedroom, right beside our bed. He hated that crib. He wouldn't sleep more than hour or 2 before waking up with his head stuck in the corner or his leg caught in the railing. It was out of sheer desperation for a decent stretch of sleep that I put him in bed with me. There he snuggled in close and we both slept.
That's how it started.
His brother came along 2 years later, and he slept happily in that crib beside my bed for 10 months. Then, suddenly, he didn't. So, I took the side rail off and scooted it up against our queen bed and there we were.
I'm not going to say it was always blissful or that they slept like the babies on the Johnson's baby wash commercials, because that'd be a big lie. No matter what arrangement I'd made, they seemed to wake regularly through the night for several years, and though I tried to put them in their own beds at various points, like the pediatrician and several well-meaning friends advised me I should, I could never make it work, and frankly I wasn't sure I wanted it to.
When they were still co-sleeping with me at ages 7 and 5, there were times I wondered if I'd made a huge mistake. Were my friends right after all? Would they be forever dependent on me to get to sleep?
I admit I went through several phases in those 7 years, from happily snuggling them, tears sneaking out of my eyes in gratitude as they fell asleep in my arms, to feeling resentful that I had seemingly no me-time whatsoever and feeling like I'd given up my whole life to please them, to enjoying it again, giggling, going on adventures to distant planets and telling hilarious stories until we were laughing so hard our tummies hurt.
All the while, though, there was that question in the back of my mind, nagging at me. Was I doing the right thing?
Then all at once, it happened. Quite suddenly, it was "Hey mom, mind if we go to sleep on our own tonight?"
That's how it started.
Now I give them a kiss goodnight and go in our master bedroom which is beside their room, and I just listen as they tell each other stories and giggle and bond. Slowly, the giggles space out more and more until they fall asleep together. Only twice have they asked me to come in and snuggle. Only twice since it started.
I thought I'd be elated when they could go to sleep on their own. The 2+ hours I used to spend every night getting them to sleep is now free. I have more me-time than I know what to do with, and I have to tell you, it isn't as great as I was expecting.
Sometimes, while I'm listening to their funny stories and laughter, I get an eerie vision of the day when there will be no sound coming from their room at all, and tears fill my eyes even as I type that because I know the day is not nearly as far off as it seems.
When I was in the thick of those 7 years, I felt like they'd need me forever. I felt like I'd never get breathing room, sometimes.
But just like that, it ended, and looking back now on those 7 years, they just flew by so quickly.
Time is funny like that.
So, I want to encourage you, dear co-sleeping parents, whether you're struggling with the decision to make them sleep on their own on the advice of those around you, or if you're in the thick of it and feel like you'll never be free, or if you're happily and cozily snuggling your little ones every night, I want to encourage you that eventually they'll be able to do it alone. I want to encourage you that, if it feels right to you, then you're doing the right thing. I want to encourage you to breathe in their scent, hug them a little tighter, tell funny stories, rub their backs, be present and make beautiful memories. Take it all in and remember it, my tired and weary friend, because it ends.
I'm so grateful I chose to spend those years snuggled in between them. I'm grateful for every bedtime story, every adventure, every hug, every back rub, every goodnight kiss. I'm also extraordinarily grateful I have a few more years to go before that room is eerily quiet. So grateful.
One of the most difficult conundrums for gifted advocates is preaching to the choir and reaching out to the general education community at the same time. This past weekend, I decided to step out of the choir loft and into the main auditorium … I attended my first . To be clear, I was venturing well out of my comfort zone; I am not a teacher and that fact often does not bode well in a room full of teachers.
Any apprehension I felt on the drive into the city melted away as I took a seat to listen to the day’s Inspire Talk. Before the presentation, several people came up to me and thanked me for coming as I had mentioned on Twitter that I planned to attend the event. It occurred to me that it only takes a short walk to bridge the gap between teachers and advocates when we realize that our passion is ultimately to see all students succeed!
Over the past 24 hours, I’ve reflected on why this experience was so different for me when clearly the emphasis of an is geared to primarily professional development for teachers. Then it struck me … the very nature of this relatively new type of unconference brought together the avant garde of the teaching profession; the forward thinkers who are not bound by rules of from whom they can and cannot learn.
All in attendance considered themselves life-long learners. There was the sense that learning can take place anywhere. There was also a general sense of frustration among these teachers that their profession had taken a hit in recent years with the continual demands of standardized testing which sapped the creativity and innovative spirit that had sent many of them into the classroom in the first place. This was particularly evident among those who taught in public schools. How sad.
Unlike past experiences in formal school district settings, I felt accepted and heard when I spoke about in social media to facilitate the conversation between parents and teachers in the gifted community. Gifted students were viewed as a part of the school population who had needs that deserve to be met. It was an uplifting experience to say the least.
are probably not a destination for most parents. However, they are something parents should talk about with their child’s teacher as a viable option for educators who seek quality professional development. And did I mention the conference was free? The only expense was getting to the conference, and with the proliferation of around the country this should not be a major issue in the future.
Why does my attendance at an educational conference matter? It is a sign of hope that there are teachers who are not bound by traditional expectations of how children learn or how anyone learns. We must seek out ways to work together.
April 1 can seem like consolation day for many gifted high school seniors. And it's no joke. College admissions letters have been received, and many families have to accept that their gifted child will not be attending the college of choice. With acceptance rates at many highly selective colleges, even exceptional students are shut out.
How can a family know what to expect?
When gifted children are young, many parents assume that high school success will translate into an array of college choices. A recent highlights the surprise that follows when a highly gifted child is rejected from a wide range of schools. The author was astonished, and admonished U.S. colleges for overlooking truly gifted children.
And on April Fool's Day, many families are left with feelings of bitterness and anger. They may believe they have been deceived and betrayed; their student’s hard work and effort was ignored, and raw talent and ability overlooked. It feels like consolation day and it's not very funny.
Why do so many gifted children get rejected from colleges they are presumably qualified to attend?
When highly selective colleges are inundated with applications, they have to draw the line somewhere. They have quotas, priorities and long-range goals, along with financial burdens. While most would likely prefer to admit the most talented, high-achieving students they can find, selecting who fits this criteria is complicated. And the sheer number of academically successful applicants is astonishing. National Merit Finalist Valedictorians with 2300+ SAT's are viewed as commonplace, and most will be rejected without some additional compelling characteristic.
College admissions officers at these selective schools will tell you they are compiling a well-rounded, diversified class of students. They claim to use “holistic admissions,” viewing the whole student and not just grades and SAT scores. Yet this term is often seen as a thinly veiled excuse for achieving quotas based on geographic location, race, ethnicity, first-generation status, athletic ability, wealth, and legacy connection (otherwise known as “hooks”). A of priorities among admissions officers, for example, identified “underrepresented minority status” and having an “exceptional talent” as the factors that were of greatest importance in decision-making.
While parents on forums such as bitterly argue about the “fairness” of admissions policies, the reality is that most “unhooked” students will get rejected by many of their top choices. Debates rage on, polarizing accepted and rejected students alike, creating suspicion and bitterness, and implicating colleges as .
Those “unhooked” gifted students often need to create a profile that is quite exceptional and well beyond the norm. When a gifted, high-achieving student does not possess the "hooks" that will ease the admission process, he or she will need to stand out from the crowd. This may mean performing independent research, excelling at college courses taken as part of dual enrollment, exceptional mastery in the arts, or truly innovative volunteer work. They need both breadth and intensity of focus. Their efforts need to clearly convey their giftedness.
Before applying to highly selective colleges, students and parents for admission. Look at the highest percentiles for admission at the colleges in terms of grades, SAT scores and other requirements. If your child is in that range, he or she may stand a chance. But realize that acceptance to an ivy league or comparable school (such as Stanford or MIT), is almost impossible to predict.
It is essential that gifted students identify less competitive schools that would be a and would readily welcome them. Many schools offer honors programs and other specialized tracks that can provide a great education. Gifted students can excel wherever they go and will find mentors, excellent professors and innovative programs that can stimulate their creativity. Attachment to a "dream" school is a set-up for disappointment in the capricious, uncertain world of college admissions.
A note to current seniors:
If you have just gotten your letters of admission, hopefully you are relieved and excited. If you received rejections, it is important to appreciate the competitiveness of these schools and not assume it is a reflection on your abilities. It may not seem fair that you didn't get into the school of your choice. But you can use your abilities to thrive wherever you go. And perhaps this experience will help you gain perspective and develop resilience when facing future challenges. Good luck with your decisions!
Are you a yeller?God help me, I KNOW this one well.Just ask my kid "how could I be a better mom?" and she will likely tell you, "She shouldn't get so angry."Ohhh, how I TRY! I recently watched the documentary The Lottery of Birth and was reminded of how little choice we have when it comes to our behaviors, beliefs and habits which are largely unconscious and automatic. We truly are just a amalgam of everything we've ever heard, seen or read. Rarely do we escape the influences of the world around us - and specifically the patterns of those closest to us. And, our kids will mirror for us those EXACT behaviors of which we are unaware. I grew up in a family where everyone yelled, even if they were saying "I love you."
"Man will become better when you can show him what he is like."
- Anton Chekhov
You might yell if your parents did or maybe when you:feel unheardfeel frustratedfeel stressed and without resourceswant more choicedesire more recognitionhave unmet needsI think we can adapt our behaviors and learn to cope when we consciously CHOOSE to be aware. But sometimes we get stuck in that place of "what to do instead?"
In today's brand new episode of TEACHable MomentsI'm sharing 5 action steps you can start doing RIGHT NOW to STOP yelling!
Your family history will tell you a lot about the root cause of your yelling. When your child disagrees with your limits and shows you with his own huffs, yelling or threats of destruction, you may be used to reacting by matching his intensity - to prove your point, or your power by arguing, over-explaining or trying to provide endless reasons for why you are rightly enforcing this limit.When you take the time to be conscious, you won't allow your unconscious fears and automatic reactions to take over. Instead, you'll gradually improve your ability to maintain your composure, even when your children can't!So, I'd like to know - what is your NEW PLAN? What tools can you use to engage your senses and calm yourself down? After your watch, share your ideas in the comments because you just might inspire someone else toward the change that they were needing! Thank you so much for watching! Have a beautiful week. Warmly,Lori *********************************************************************
Lori Petro is a Mom, Children’s Advocate and Speaker. She is passionate about transforming our world through conscious parenting compassionate communication, and peaceful conflict resolution. You can find Lori's 47-page eBook plus audio download, The ABCs of Conscious Parenting, retail value $68, in the Essential Parenting Collection. To view the entire collection,
It is also part of the Mindful Guidance mini-bundle which you can purchase separately if you choose. To view the Mindful Guidance mini bundle, .
You watched as your gifted child struggled with boredom, apathy and underachievement. And at some breaking point, you decided to do something. You planned to speak with the teacher, challenge the administration, maybe even go to a school board meeting and complain. But then...you backed down. Nothing happened. The moment passed.
What stopped you? What held you back? What were the thoughts, worries, and fears - some realistic, some imagined - that got in the way?
Here are some reasons parents hesitate and fail to advocate for their gifted children:
“I don’t have the credentials”
Unless you have worked in education or childcare, you may not feel qualified or entitled to approach the teacher or school. Challenging authority may be difficult and if you assume that they are the experts, it may be hard to build your case. You can feel stymied if you believe that training as a teacher or school administrator trumps your perception of your child. Recognize that you are a vital part of this team of professionals whose job is to educate your child. The information and perspective you offer is invaluable.
“I don’t know enough”
Uncertainty, lack of information, and doubt can weaken your argument. Gather as much information as possible from your child, the teacher, school psychologist, other specialists, and anyone else who observes your child or the classroom. Read and learn as much as you can about gifted children and gifted education. Know the regulations in your state and community. Stay informed so that you can feel empowered, remain knowledgeable, and counter any inaccuracies.
“I hate conflict”
Maybe confronting authority is difficult for you. Perhaps you hate conflict. And you don’t want to be disliked. , confronting the principal, meeting with the school board all present the potential for conflict. You don’t want to be perceived as one of those parents; pushy and overinvolved, who thinks the world revolves around their child. Keep in mind, though, that you are fighting for basic, fair, and appropriate educational services that your child deserves. You didn’t ask for this battle. (You probably would rather be doing something else.) The school’s lack of resources prompted this fight and you are doing what any parent would - protecting the welfare of your child.
“I don’t want any backlash”
Valid point. Backlash unfortunately occurs when teachers, students or even other parents feel threatened. Although sometimes overt, such as when a child is teased by peers, it is often more subtle. A teacher may “not have time” to follow through on differentiated instruction, offer “extra” homework rather than interesting alternatives to the regular curriculum, or hold your child to a higher standard in terms of social/emotional behavior. And other parents may stop inviting your child to parties or make disparaging comments. It is understandable that you might hesitate in the face of this concern. Yet, if you don't advocate, nothing will change.
“Maybe the problem will go away”
Sometimes it seems easier to hope the problem will disappear. It might be simpler to assume that life will improve for your gifted child next year with a new teacher. Or that your child will outgrow his or her unhappiness or boredom. Sometimes you might just wish he or she were “normal” and would just calm down and like all of the other kids. You don’t want to make waves at school. You don’t want to create a scene. After all, your child is smart; hopefully the problems will work themselves out. Well, sometimes this is true. But other times, boredom, underachievement, isolation from peers, apathy and a poor attitude toward learning only increase. The sooner these problems are addressed, the more likely your child will start to thrive at school.
So, how do you start? 1. Start with the teacher. Find out as much as possible about the teacher's perspective. If your child has been tested, gather information from the school psychologist, and/or other specialists. If your child would , insist on it.
2. Get informed. Learn as much as possible from sites such as and . The NAGC is a must-read with excellent advice.
3. Pursue additional channels. If you hit a roadblock with , you may need to speak with the principal, gifted supervisor, director of curriculum, or other administrators. Sometimes parents even need to meet with school board members to initiate changes.
4. Form a gifted children's advocacy group with other parents. There is strength in numbers, and each parent can provide a wealth of ideas that may propel the group to implement changes in the schools.
5. Consider broader advocacy for gifted children. In addition to advocating for your child, consider lending a hand so that all gifted children can benefit. This may be as simple as about giftedness in casual conversation, or as involved as advocacy on a state or national level.
Recent articles in the , and are examples of writing highlighting widespread neglect of gifted children's educational needs. Yet, these articles reiterate what parents of gifted children already know and live with every day. Who is ultimately more knowledgeable about the struggles gifted children face than the parents who raise them? Who better, then, to advocate for them? Recognize why you're hesitating, what's holding you back, and determine how you can better assist your child and others.
The following is an excerpt from the book Positive Parenting in Action: The How-To Guide for Putting Positive Parenting Principles into Action in Early Childhood.
HITTING/AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR
First, it is important to understand that children who are aggressive are children who are scared, hurt, or feeling disconnected. Small children with limited language and self-awareness lack the sophistication to tell us what is bothering them or maybe even know themselves. Aggression in older children can be a cover-up of those more vulnerable feelings, especially if they have not been taught how to express them appropriately.
I would like to also add that children under the age of 6 don't yet have full access to higher brain functions which allow them to pause and reason. When a young child becomes scared or hurt or is feeling disconnected, they go into that 'fight or flight' mode, operating out of their brain stem, and have little control over their actions. It is for this reason that an aggressive child needs help, not punishment.
Scenario #1: Your 3 year old has become aggressive toward her baby sister. She tries to hit her and push her over. You're concerned she's really going to hurt the baby. Behind the behavior: Jealousy, probably. It's hard sharing mom and dad, especially when you used to have them all to yourself. She may fear being ‘replaced’ by the baby and doesn’t understand the demands put on the parents. From her perspective, nothing good has come of this new person entering the house. ACTION: 1. Set a limit. (“I won’t let you hit.”)
2. Offer empathy and acceptance of her feelings. (“You are disappointed.”) 3. Let her discharge her feelings by crying with your comfort.
4. Help her explore ways to shift her mood.
To expand on this a bit, you will take her safely away from the baby, get down eye-level with her, and set the limit – “I won’t let you hit” (or push, or bite). It is important to acknowledge her feelings of anger or frustration or jealousy that caused her to hit. "You're feeling upset at the baby. Are you upset that I was holding her?" or "She grabbed your toy and that made you angry." Your child is hurting, even though she may look like she isn't. She needs to know it's safe to show her feelings. Tell her it's OK to be angry, and it’s OK to cry, and that you will keep everyone safe. If she melts down in your arms, she is healing. Let her get her emotions out while you provide comfort. After the incident is over and everyone is calm, address the reason behind the behavior.
1. Spend special one-on-one time with each child. Let her pick the activity. Connect with her. She needs to know that she is still just as loved as before, even if you think she already knows.
2. Teach appropriate ways to handle anger. You can do this by talking it through, modeling it, role-playing, puppet shows, books, or stories.
3. Don't punish her for hitting. At 3, remember she didn't have the cognitive resources to stop and think about her actions logically. Teaching her how to handle her anger will serve her much better than punishing her for handling it wrong.
4. Read books to her about babies and about being a big sister. Scenario #2: Your 19 month old is a biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date. Behind the behavior: It depends on what was happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, know many more words than they can say. When something triggers a primal emotion, they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of discomfort. ACTION:Remember the steps above. Remove your child to safety, make sure the child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I won’t let you bite." Validate his feelings; empathize with his upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts." Let your child express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later. The reason I suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it happens is because children do not take information in well 'when they are in 'fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much more likely to learn and retain information when they are calm.
Don't bite him to show him how it feels. You'd be surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember, you are the model for appropriate behavior!
Scenario #3:
You got a call from school. Your 6 year old son punched another student for calling him a bad name. Behind the behavior: Anger, obviously, and lack of ability to control his actions. ACTION:While a 6 year old is getting better at managing his anger, this is sometimes hard for adults to do, so it isn't surprising that a child hasn't mastered this yet. When you pick him up from school, you're going to have to control your own anger. Model! Reserve judgment and ask him what happened. Empathize with his hurt feelings at being called a name. It does hurt! Now, because this is not a toddler, you may be tempted to punish or give him a consequence, but that isn't going to solve the problem or teach him how to handle a situation like this better the next time. It's time to problem-solve. Let him do most of the problem-solving with your guidance as needed. You might ask:
1. How can you fix what you've done because the student you punched is hurt, too? If he doesn't come up with an answer, offer a few alternatives, such as call and apologize or write an apology letter.
2. What can you do the next time you get called a name or there is a confrontation? Let him brainstorm. It's good if he comes up with alternatives on his own. If he draws a blank, help him out. You may suggest he walk away, work it out with words, or get help from an adult if the situation requires it.
SUMMARY: Aggressive behavior is very common in young children and peaks from ages 2-6. While this is a common phase kids go through, it is our responsibility to set appropriate limits and teach alternatives. Discipline is always about teaching them right, not punishing the wrong. With empathy and loving guidance, your child will learn appropriate ways to handle her emotions, and this phase will become a distant memory.
Copyright 2012 by Rebecca Eanes and Laura Ling. All Rights Reserved.
Do your kids having trouble "listening?" Do you feel like no matter what you say or do - you still end up begging, pleading, negotiating or punishing to get cooperation and usually it's not willing cooperation?
I know I have felt like, despite my valiant attempts to consciously speak with kindness, acknowledge needs, and validate feelings, sometimes - I STILL am left with a child who is emotionally resistant and tough to tolerate. In this moment, there is a fork in the road. I am faced with two choices - go control freak - or go zen mama. As I wonder WHAT to say next [careful: death trap ahead] - I apply the theoretical principles I know and realize that the best protection is to STOP THINKING and just be SILENT. Yep. Sometimes the best communication is non-verbal.
And the question of what to say - becomes "How do I feel [my way] through this moment?" How can I tolerate these sensations arising in me? It becomes about waiting for the storm of emotions to pass, and being OK with not being OK.
On the other hand, there ARE times, when you need to say MORE and if you've ever felt unsure of how to do it without the subtle shades of blame, shame, judgment and guilt undermining your influence - then make sure you on Pinterest. One of the things I am asked most often is, "I get it - but WHAT DO I SAY in those moments?" So, the idea of Mindful Mondays was born out of a desire to contribute to your need for "real actionable language."
A couple of months ago, I started posting graphicsevery Monday on Facebook with ideas for how to speak to children in compassionate, cooperative ways. It is not a perfect script-making process. There are no hard and fast rules for each scenario. Every situation with your child will be unique and require you to access your creativity. Each week, a new picture post like the one above will feature ONE perspective a conflict situation could take - and give you the words and process for changing the way you speak. If you can start to SEE and HEAR examples of new ways of relating and expressing your needs and desires - then your brain will start to pick up on the patterns of this NEW FORMULA for--> observation --> feelings --> needs --> requests + cooperative problem solving. If you don't know what to say - be sure to check out Facebook each Monday for a NEW scenario and share it with your friends because WE need our communities to participate if we are going to see global change.And be sure the check back tomorrow for a brand new episode of ! Warmly, Lori *********************************************************************
Lori Petro is a Mom, Children’s Advocate and Speaker. She is passionate about transforming our world through conscious parenting compassionate communication, and peaceful conflict resolution. You can find Lori's 47-page eBook plus audio download, The ABCs of Conscious Parenting, retail value $68, in the Essential Parenting Collection. To view the entire collection,
It is also part of the Mindful Guidance mini-bundle which you can purchase separately if you choose. To view the Mindful Guidance mini bundle, .
Procrastination: that vexing time thief so many gifted children face. You watch as your bright, curious child, passionately engaged in so many interests, comes to a screeching halt when a project is due. You coax, cajole, demand, bribe, threaten, and stand on your head, yet nothing will budge. What gives?
While most people procrastinate from time to time, some develop a chronic pattern fraught with avoidance, disorganization and frantic efforts as deadlines loom. Before you nag your child one more time, rush out and buy yet another self-help book, or hit your head against the wall, you may first want to sort out the reasons for the procrastination. Usually there are one or more contributing factors, and if you sort these out, you may be better prepared to tackle the problem.
Here are some possible reasons for procrastination:
1. Distractibility - Some gifted children are so immersed in their interests that they have difficulty focusing on the task at hand. They become easily distracted by more engaging ideas or projects. Overscheduling can exacerbate this problem; however, distractions can arise even without competing demands once the child's passions and interests take hold.
2. Disorganization - Gifted children can struggle with poor organizational and planning abilities and can lack time management skills. Despite motivation to complete a project, they may become overwhelmed when it involves more attention to details or long-range planning than usual. Difficulty managing their time and structuring how they will work is frequently the root of this problem.
3. Apathy - Sometimes gifted children have become so bored and disgusted with school that they lose interest and don’t really care about the quality of their work. They delay completing assignments because the work seems meaningless. They would rather engage in a multitude of other activities than “waste” their time on rote paperwork or assignments that seem too easy.
4. Past success - Some gifted children procrastinate because they can get away with it. Many have learned that completing assignments at the last minute does not diminish the quality of their work or harm the outcome. They know they can do better, but with a track record of excellent grades behind them, they realize they don’t have to work very hard to just slide by.
5. Rebellion - Procrastination can be an expression of resistance or quiet rebellion against completing an assignment a child resents. It is a means of devaluing the project, minimizing its importance, and expressing anger about having to work on something unappealing. Even if the project is eventually completed, delaying it until the last minute is a form of silent protest that may feel empowering to the child.
6. Perfectionism - High expectations of achieving success can create and a desire to delay that which is distressing. When gifted children worry that they might not excel on a given task, they may put it off until the last possible minute. Clearly, this can be a recipe for increased anxiety and inevitable 11:00 PM melt-downs.
7. Self-sabotage - Some gifted children (and gifted in particular) try to hide their abilities from others. In an attempt to they may disguise their talents, perform poorly, and disengage from academics. Procrastination may reflect their ambivalence about confronting this dilemma and uncertainty about whether to minimize their abilities or live up to their potential. And if the quality of their work suffers, then they can perpetuate the image they want to convey.
8. Insecurity - Despite their apparent skills, some gifted children doubt their abilities. They may feel like "imposters" and worry that their inadequacies will be "discovered" at any time. They believe that they have an image to uphold and if they fail in some manner, they will be outed as a fraud. Delaying completion of a project is a means of avoiding the inevitable anxiety that arises when they confront this fear.
9. Shame - Along with insecurity, some gifted children experience feelings of shame if they fail to excel. They react as if this is an indictment against their intelligence and suspect that others will view them as inadequate. As a result, procrastination can be an excuse; if a less than perfect grade is attributed to a rushed, last-minute effort, then the child can believe that actual ability was never to blame.
10. Depression - Occasionally, procrastination may be a symptom of depression. However, it usually coincides with other signs, such as withdrawal and isolation from peers, apparent sadness, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, and irritability. In these situations, procrastination may be a reflection of feelings of hopelessness and a perception that school work lacks any meaning.
Sorting out the cause of your child's procrastination is the first step toward working on the problem. A one-size-fits-all approach based on the latest self-help ideas may not work for your child's specific situation. Clearly, a child whose procrastination is the result of perfectionism and shame will need a different approach than one whose primary concern is apathy.
Gather information, speak with your child, listen to what your child thinks. Make a decision about whether the problem is behavioral (habits, distractibility, time management), school based (boredom, apathy), and/or the result of anxiety or depression. Determine whether intervention needs to occur at home, school, or both, and whether a counselor, school psychologist, or would help to address the problem. (More on treating procrastination in a future blog post.)
Let us know what you think about procrastination in the comments section below.
In 2011, I wrote where I said, Throw the word "consequence" entirely out of your vocabulary and replace it with the term "problem-solving." That's quite good advice, if I do say so myself. Replacing "consequence" with "problem-solving" helps you see the problem in a new way. Now, rather than coming up with something that will make your child sorry, you're teaching your child how to correct his mistakes and learn from them.
I have 2.5 more years of parenting under my belt now. Parenting years are sort of like dog years. I'm fairly sure I age 7 years per 1 year of parenting, but with it comes a little more wisdom as well. At least, wisdom in my own journey.
What about when you've problem-solved it to death and your child still makes a wrong choice? What about when the natural consequence is too dangerous or your child doesn't give a flip about the natural consequence? What then?
First, I think it's important to define punishment and consequences.
pun·ish·ment noun\ˈpə-nish-mənt\: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution
Punishment is making your child suffer, experience pain, or experience loss in order to serve as retribution. So, obviously spanking (causing pain), grounding (causing suffering or loss), or taking away toys or privileges (causing loss) are all about one thing, you intend to make the child suffer because of her behavior. The thing about punishment is that "serving as retribution" doesn't last. That's why the majority of offenders who get out of jail repeat an offense. Retribution doesn't really teach us anything valuable. In most cases, it serves to just make us angry and vengeful.
con·se·quence noun\ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌkwen(t)s: something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions
That sounds more helpful, except we have an uncanny knack for turning these into punishments, too. This is where the line gets blurry. I fought with myself over the semantics of consequences and punishments for quite a while, and I came to the conclusion that intent is really what separates the two. There are 2 keys in turning from retribution to teaching: INTENT and EMPATHY.
Natural consequences and problem-solving are still the best way to go, even for older children, but, let's be honest, they don't always apply. Sometimes there needs to be an immediate lesson by the parent. If your daughter hits a ball through the neighbor's window, she'll learn a lot more by working for the money to pay for the window than she will by losing her cell phone for a month. Working for the money isn't punishment. You're intent isn't to make her suffer. You're teaching her how to right her wrongs, and that's a really important lesson. However, even though your intent might be good, if there is no empathy, you stand the chance of it backfiring and making her feel negatively towards you and blame you for her feelings and mistakes. That would look like this:
"You idiot! Why didn't you watch what you were doing? You're going to work and pay Mr. Anderson back EVERY PENNY for that window! You can kiss your social life goodbye because you're going to be too busy WORKING!!"
Your intent was good enough, but there was no empathy. You just made her feel like a crummy person and now she's going to internalize that and resent every penny she has to earn. So, in the end, she'll learn that righting her wrongs is associated with negative feelings of worth, and so how often is she going to want to right her wrongs in the future?
How about this?
"Oh my goodness! Mr. Anderson's window is broken. I understand it was an accident. We all make mistakes. What are you going to do about this?"
If she says something like "I'll go apologize" or even "nothing," she'll need more coaching.
"An apology is a good place to start, but the window is your responsibility. It'll need to be paid for."
Now, she's still not likely to be thrilled about doing the work, and that's fine. If you give her empathy all along the way, such as "I'm really sorry that you can't go out with your friends today. You did promise Mr. Anderson you'd weed his garden to help pay for that window. You're doing a really responsible thing, and I'm proud of you," she's much more likely to build on her self worth (she's capable and responsible) and, in the end, feel good that she made it right.
Here's an example straight out of my own home. My son recently poured out an entire new bottle of body wash in the tub and fed the dog an entire huge bag of dog treats all within a 24 hour timespan. Now, had this been the first time or the second time he'd wasted something, we'd have talked about it. But it wasn't the first time or the second time, and he was developing a habit of wasting things, and obviously my chats weren't sticking with him. So, I told him I was sorry he'd made the choice to waste the soap and treats, that he was good kid and I knew he'd just wanted lots of bubbles and to make the dog really happy, but that these things cost money and we weren't made of the stuff, so he'd need to use his allowance money to buy new soap and treats.
He wasn't exactly thrilled about using his allowance money, but that isn't the point. The point is that I affirmed that he had good intentions, but I let him know it was still a poor choice. I didn't yell or shame him. We had this conversation while he was cuddled in my lap. The next time we went to the store, he got out his little wallet and paid for those 2 items - albeit a bit begrudgingly. He hasn't wasted anything since then, and it's been several weeks now.
The natural consequence, of course, would have been that he had nothing to bathe in for a week and, well, eww. That doesn't work for me, and frankly he wouldn't have cared about that anyway. So while natural is great, it isn't always feasible.
What about when your child is verbally or physically aggressive to her sibling? The natural consequence may take years to show up, and the result would be a ruined relationship between the two. You could make her go to her room, but what is she really going to be thinking about in there?
If she's young, you'll problem-solve. How can you handle this better next time? What do you do with anger? Let me show you how to handle anger without hurting your sister.
For an older child whom you've already problem-solved with, given her tools, taught her what to do, and she still chooses to call her sister a "stupid butthead," what is one to do?
What I do is I take the aggressor off with me and we go to the table. I read him our family rules, and I have him write down the rule that pertains to what he did. So if he called his brother a name, he writes the rule about how we treat each other with respect. The writing is to help him memorize the rule better. Then I ask him how he's going to make it up to his brother. It is now his responsibility to repair the relationship. He almost always chooses to make him a drawing of them holding hands. He takes the drawing to his brother and they make up instantly. Children are very forgiving.
You may be thinking that if he "almost always chooses" something, that this must not be solving the problem because it keeps happening. Well, it is happening less and less, and I don't expect perfection. I still do things that cause me to need to repair my relationships! The goal is not to make them perfect, but to make them responsible, and teaching them how to repair rifts in relationships is a life skill that will serve them well. Sitting in a time out chair to think about it doesn't teach them that skill. I asked my kid once, years ago, what he thought about while he was in time-out. He said, "How mad I am at you." Well, that worked well.
Last one. Just the other day, my 5 year old decided not to pick up his toys. Most of the time, he cooperates just fine, but not this particular day. I'd asked him several times while I was running about cleaning and picking up other rooms, and he just kept saying, "You do it." I'd said, "I'm busy with the rest of the house, please pick them up. I need to vacuum that room." I came back in, and he hadn't done it. I picked them all up and I put them in the back of the house where he couldn't get to them. "Since you chose not to pick up your toys after I'd asked you nicely several times, I did pick them up for you, but now they're put away for the rest of the day." That sure looks like an good old-fashioned punishment, but what was my intent and did I deliver with empathy? He didn't pick up the toys, so he lost them - that's a logical consequence to not picking them up. A natural consequence would be that the playroom was a wreck and wouldn't get vacuumed, but that doesn't work for me. He wouldn't care if it didn't get vacuumed anyway, so the natural consequence in that case wasn't helpful.
We all have to figure out what works best for our children in the time and space that we're in. We grow as we learn, and we learn as we go. Always keep your relationship #1, and as Og Mandino said, "Do all things with love."
In my last post, I promised resources for those who requested them. While pulling together the list of links below, I came across several forgotten gems on the topic; articles which have influenced my thinking but escaped my memory. I would be remiss if I did not thank two authors whose work has had a profound impact on how I approach this subject ~ Mr. Josh Shaine and Dr. James Delisle. Their articles are the most parent-friendly ones I have ever come across. I highly recommend you read their articles first.
The term ‘underachievement’ is about as prickly as the term ‘gifted’. There are lots of definitions and parameters, but little agreement on what the term actually means. I’ve always had an uneasy feeling about the connotations surrounding underachievement. As a parent, it made me sad to think of a child as an underachiever.
When did the child become an underachiever?
Where could a parent have gone wrong?
As it turns out, neither the child nor their parent actually did anything wrong. You wouldn’t know that to listen to teachers, psychologists or ‘experts’ in the field of gifted education who try to tell a different story. They are quick to point to the symptoms of underachievement, but are at a loss for words when it comes to causes. And there is a good reason for that …
You see … this is a classic case of blame the victim. Something has to be wrong with the child that they are simply not living up to their potential (or should I say to someone else’s expectations?).
In Delisle’s article, he acknowledges that there are students who do not perform as well as they could academically, but he insists we stop blaming the child. Rather, he explains we should start making a difference by changing ‘our’ vocabularyand attitude about underachievement.
I couldn’t agree more. Last summer, I sat in a session with one of the leading ‘experts’ on the topic of underachievement. It was all about how to fix the underachieving child. During the presentation, she had an activity for the audience. Not accepting the premise of the activity, I chose not to participate. This did not sit well with this expert. She actually came to my table to ask me personally to join in. When I said “no”, she became flustered and walked away. The irony of my actions obviously escaped her.
As parents, we often expect a lot from our children when they are identified as ‘gifted’ … perhaps we expect TOO much forgetting that they are still children? I know – this flies in the face of another group of experts - who say we must push, and push, and push. Well, many of these gifted children are a lot smarter than the experts and that includes the ones who label them as underachievers.
Photo Courtesy: Morguefile
Don’t the same experts advise parents to do all we can to encourage creativity? Then they tell us how to get our children to conform to an uninspired curriculum offered in many classrooms today. We are told to coerce our children into completing the 10 to 12 worksheets they are handed every day for homework ... or endure being labeled another ‘esteem-killing’ term … lazy.
Another course of action:
·Forget the term ‘underachievement’
·Explore why your child lacks interest
·Change the environment, not your child
·Encourage your child to find their passion
·Be patient with your child
Links:
by Dr. James Delisle
by Josh Shaine
by Josh Shaine
(Companion piece to Underachievement from the Inside Out) by France Shaine (Josh's mother)
(book) by Joanne Rand Whitmore
(incomplete preview) by Joanne Rand Whitmore
by Jerald Grobman, M.D.
by Sheri Plybon
by Stephen R. Balzac
from Dr. George Betts (book for teachers) by Patricia L Supplee