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The Gifted Family – Transforming Chaos into Calm



Welcome to readers of the 2014 . This is a cross-post of an article I wrote for Global #gtchat Powered by the Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented found .

Jen Merrill Head ShotWhen I asked Jen Merrill, author of and the popular blog Laughing at Chaos, to co-moderate this week's #gtchat on Twitter; she seemed to think that we might be attempting to discuss the impossible. Her exact words were "And then we'll be discussing the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch!"

If you've raised gifted kids, family life can often seem chaotic and not just because of the kids! The parents' intensity plays a greater role than many of us like to admit. The term 'multiple personalities' takes on a whole new meaning when applied to the members of a gifted family. Attempting to bring calm to a world of chaos when you aren't sure who is in charge can prove difficult.
Undaunted ... we went ahead with the chat and were pleasantly surprised not only to see many new faces, but several folks we had not seen in years. It seems that chaos rules in many households where 'apples haven't fallen far from the tree' and now reside under one roof! And participants had a lot to say ... nearly 600 tweets in one hour ... about a tweet every 6 seconds! A list of the questions posed at this week's chat may be found here. A full transcript is at Storify.
Our first question addressed the issue of how asynchrony, when developmental levels of gifted children collide, affects family life in terms of sibling relationships and extended family. One of the first responses, "How does it NOT affect all of life?" from Mona Chicks, set the tone for most of the chat.
Life is indeed chaotic in the gifted family and most participants agreed, 'calm' is a refuge rarely achieved. As Jen noted, "It's hard to plan when you don't know what age/behavior will appear. Extended family may only see one 'age' or only see the kid outside his comfort zone. I think asynchrony causes the most pain with extended family that doesn't 'get it.' Sometimes [you get] judgement when you most need acceptance." Amy Harrington added, "Asynchrony is pervasive with no off switch. It is all consuming and mixed in with Overexcitabilities [OEs] can be entirely overwhelming at times."
We next considered, "What strategies can parents use to calm their own emotional intensities while dealing with their child’s OEs?" Pamela Price of Red, White and Grew, recommended that "Honestly? They need to IDENTIFY their own intensities and seek separate support for them, including their own counselor." Angie French from TeachaGiftedKid added, "You must take care of yourself so you can be the best caretaker of the ones you love." Susanne Thomas, new Online Education Director at Gifted Homeschoolers Forum, had some sage advice for the group, "Finding your tribe. Hands down. Anyone that 'gets' it even in concept needs to be cultivated and cherished."
Additional questions included dealt with:
  • the added pressures that parents face as mediators for their child when behaviors don't match cultural norms
  • how discrepancies in a child'd development affect educational options
  • what effect gifted parenting has on marital relationships and increased financial burdens due to such things as homeschooling and/or early college entrance
Our final question of the chat was meant to allow participants to express some of the unexpected joys they had experienced with their gifted child. Jen shared a recent newspaper article, Moving Picture: Libertyville Computer Whiz Has Big Plans, about her son and his intense interest in computers. Comments shared were truly inspiring!
  • "It's that moment when someone who had low expectations figures it out and is in AWE of his ability. Seeing the connections happen in his brain. Amazing!" Mona Chicks
  • "I get to school him here, and help him make connections, and watch his face light!!" Care M. 
  • "Knowing that if there's more spirited, divergent and creative thinkers out there like her, humanity might have a hope!" Celeste of Oz
  • "Saying 'my kid can code in 4 languages!'" Susanne Thomas
  • "An off the wall sense of humour. Watching them think - the brilliant leaps from go to OMG where did that come from???" Gluten - Free Mum
  • "His humor and original jokes! Oh, the jokes he spontaneously makes up!" Celi Trépanier
  • "Beyond joy about rediscovering his "old", happier self. Proud of us for stepping up to plate as parents. Flip side of public judgment--enormous appreciation 4 strangers who genuinely like your kid." tedra 
  • "Constantly impressed with their insight, creativity, kindness, seeing new patterns." Justin Schwamm 
Have you found your tribe? People who 'get' giftedness and how it affects your life? Consider joining us at Global #gtchat Powered by the Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented on Twitter and find your tribe! Each week we discuss timely topics related to gifted children, adults and education. Questions are posted the day before and an edited transcript is posted after each chat.
We look forward to seeing you Fridays on Twitter at 7/6 C and 4 PM PT in the U.S. as well as at midnight in the UK, 9 AM Saturdays in Australia (ET) and 11 AM in New Zealand. There is also a Sunday chat (in lieu of that week's Friday chat) on the 3rd week of the month at 4/3 C and 1 PM PT in the U.S. and 9 PM in the UK to accommodate those who can't attend the Friday chats.
Feel free to email me at gtchatmod@gmail.com with questions relating to chat times, topics you'd like to discuss or guests you'd like to see on #gtchat. Below is a list of links which were presented during this chat.
gtchat rectangle

Links:
“Life in the Asynchronous Family” by Kathi Kearney
“Off the Charts: Asynchrony and the Gifted Child” Neville, Piechowski & Tolan, eds.
Off-the-charts cover
“Family Counseling with the Gifted” Linda Silverman” (pdf)
“A Year of Small Gratitudes” from Jen Merrill
“Serving Highly & Profoundly Gifted Learners”  (pdf) in the Gifted Education Communicator Winter 2009
Mellow Out Book Cover
Sprite's Site Post for New Zealand Gifted Awareness Week Blog Tour


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Do Consequences Have a Place in Redemption?

In yesterday's post, , I discussed redemption versus retribution. 

Redemption: The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.
Redeemed: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of:
Retribution: Punishment for doing something wrong 
Do I want to seek to restore his honor, worth, and reputation, or do I want to punish him? 
The world says children need punishment. I think children need redemption. 

They will grow and mature and come to naturally understand how the world works. They will come to understand laws and consequences without being "primed" for them with smaller punishments now. We think if we punish them for little things, they'll want to avoid punishment for the big things later, but that's not really how it works. Punishment highlights their faults. Punishment eats away at their self-concepts. Punishment is retaliation, not teaching.
Redemption restores honor and worth. How do you redeem a wayward child? By highlighting their strengths, not their weaknesses. By shining a spotlight on their rights, not their wrongs. By believing in their goodness and making sure they believe in their goodness. By ensuring that "kind," "helpful," "compassionate," "responsible," and "good" are part of their self-concepts because humans behave according to what they believe of themselves, and children believe of themselves what their parents believe of them.  
Correction is necessary, but shining that big light on their mistakes only makes them grow. Correct gently, shining the light always on their decency, listening to the communication of the behavior, and seeking always to redeem them. 
It's been a popular post, and I'm thankful that the philosophy of positive parenting is reaching so far. There have been some comments after that post about the need for consequences, which I'd like to address today.

I've discussed consequences several times on this site.






As I stated in "What's the Deal with Consequences When They're Older?"
First, I think it's important to define punishment and consequences.
pun·ish·ment noun \ˈpə-nish-mənt\: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution
Punishment is making your child suffer, experience pain, or experience loss in order to serve as retribution. So, obviously spanking (causing pain), grounding (causing suffering or loss), or taking away toys or privileges (causing loss) are all about one thing, you intend to make the child suffer because of her behavior. The thing about punishment is that "serving as retribution" doesn't last. That's why the majority of offenders who get out of jail repeat an offense. Retribution doesn't really teach us anything valuable. In most cases, it serves to just make us angry and vengeful.
con·se·quence noun \ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌkwen(t)s: something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions
That sounds more helpful, except we have an uncanny knack for turning these into punishments, too. This is where the line gets blurry. I fought with myself over the semantics of consequences and punishments for quite a while, and I came to the conclusion that intent is really what separates the two. There are 2 keys in turning from retribution to teaching: INTENT and EMPATHY.

So to answer the question of "Do consequences have a place in redemption" the answer is "yes." Sometimes consequences can help redeem the child by righting their wrongs. An example that comes to mind is when my son once wasted a can of compressed air at the bank while I chatted with friends. We problem-solved and he decided to do chores to earn the money to pay for the can. He did the chores and took the money back to the bank. This consequence was something we agreed on mutually as a result of the problem-solving process and didn't harm his self-concept but actually improved it as he felt a sense of responsibility. It taught him that he has the ability to make things right again, and that he is the kind of person who fixes his mistakes. Redeemed.

Another example was given in "What's the Deal With Consequences When They're Older" of a young lady who broke a window with a ball. It was decided that she'd earn the money to pay for the window. Again intent and empathy are keys. A consequence delivered with a harsh or demeaning tone and enforced with grit is going to feel like a punishment, which will focus the child more on his or her feelings of anger or irritation at the parent than on righting his or her's wrongdoing. However, when delivered with empathy, working with the child to fix his or her mistake and maintaining and conveying belief in the child's goodness and ability to make things right, the consequence can aid in redeeming the child.

It's important though to not go straight for the consequence every time your child makes a mistake. It can be easy to get stuck in that rut as it seems to "fix the problem" quickly, but we need to remind ourselves of what I was unable to see in the problem I discussed in yesterday's post, that behavior is communication. Rather than a consequence, the child may need taught a skill or helped with a problem they're dealing with.

Finally, whether a consequence is needed or not, it is invaluable to our children to convey to them our belief in their goodness, in their value, and in their ability to overcome whatever they are dealing with and shine. Our consistent belief in them is how they build a consistent belief in themselves, and that will benefit them for a lifetime.





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When I Resorted to Punishments...

Our waters have been troubled lately. My 5 year old has taken to teasing his highly sensitive brother. There have been daily, seemingly constant hurtful words hurled at my oldest son. Why would he do that? Hadn't I taught him to be kind? To respect others? Was I raising a bully?

Doubts began to creep in my mind. Fear took over. My mother said he needed punished. I began to wonder if maybe she was right. After all, I couldn't let it go on. It was affecting my oldest. I'd talked to him about it. I'd asked him to empathize with his brother. I'd called him out on it every time I heard a put-down and told him it was inappropriate.

Effectively, what I'd done is shone a great big light on it, and it fed off that light. The problem grew.

I began to think maybe he did need punished. I had to protect my oldest son. I had to let my youngest know that he could not hurt people. I was angry and could no longer see this problem through my usual lens, but all I could see was this ugliness rising up in him that needed to be stopped immediately.

Knowing the "natural consequence" of hurting his relationship with his brother apparently didn't mean anything to him, I began taking away the only thing I knew that did. His allowance. Every time he did something "wrong", I told him he lost a dollar off his allowance. I kept a record of it.

-1 for teasing.
-1 for pinching.
-1 for a put-down.

They kept adding up. He was very upset that he was losing money, but it didn't stop the problem. Now he was teasing his brother and really mad at me both. I felt defeated, and I didn't know what else to do. Everyone in the house was now feeling the negative effects of this issue, and the atmosphere here was suffocating.

Then, one morning, I was scrolling my newsfeed and I saw this:

When our kids say hurtful things, they're hurting.
When our kids lash out, they're hurting.
When our kids resist and rehash, they're hurting.
When our kids get rigid, they're hurting.
When our kids are chaotic, they're hurting
When our kids ignore, pretend, defend and act out, they're hurting.
What if we *started* with the hurting instead of bypassing the hurt in favor of behavior and how to quash it?
How would we see our kids' intention and motivation differently?
How would we treat them differently?
How would they respond differently?
What would we have to change in our own hearts in order to embark on this process?
When the hurt is accessed, the heart heals, the behavior is understood as the symptom, not the cause. -  Lu Hanessian Parent2ParentU

The anger I felt toward my 5 year old dissipated and I was able to see him as a hurting child who needed my help. I'm normally able to do this, but in this particular situation where he was hurting another child of mine, my judgment had become clouded, but suddenly it was clear to me again.

Why? Why was he hurting? When did it start? What caused his feelings? What was he trying to communicate?

I looked at his allowance deduction list. I saw a record of wrongs.

Love keeps no record of wrongs....

I crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash.

REDEMPTION NOT RETRIBUTION

Redemption: The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed. 
Redeemed: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of:
Retribution: Punishment for doing something wrong

Do I want to seek to restore his honor, worth, and reputation, or do I want to punish him?

The world says children need punishment. I think children need redemption. 

They will grow and mature and come to naturally understand how the world works. They will come to understand laws and consequences without being "primed" for them with smaller punishments now. We think if we punish them for little things, they'll want to avoid punishment for the big things later, but that's not really how it works. Punishment highlights their faults. Punishment eats away at their self-concepts. Punishment is retaliation, not teaching. 

Redemption restores honor and worth. How do you redeem a wayward child? By highlighting their strengths, not their weaknesses. By shining a spotlight on their rights, not their wrongs. By believing in their goodness and making sure they believe in their goodness. By ensuring that "kind," "helpful," "compassionate," "responsible," and "good" are part of their self-concepts because humans behave according to what they believe of themselves, and children believe of themselves what their parents believe of them. 

Correction is necessary, but shining that big light on their mistakes only makes them grow. Correct gently, shining the light always on their decency, listening to the communication of the behavior, and seeking always to redeem them. 

I realized my 5 year old was feeling rejected by his brother because he didn't play with him much anymore. We called a family meeting. Both children were heard. A solution was agreed upon. I am now working on repairing our relationship and restoring his honor, worth, and reputation.

Don't wade through troubled waters. Build a bridge. Redemption is the bridge. 

Redemption not retribution. Love never fails.


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Gifted children need the gift of play

"Mom, call the teacher and tell her there's not enough play time!" The gifted five-year-old wailed to his mother, distraught that kindergarten offered few of the creative, open-ended activities he enjoyed in pre-school. "I hardly get to build anything. We have to write all this stuff. It's no fun!"

It's hard to imagine that kindergarten could be stressful, especially for gifted children, but an environment so focused on academics and structured learning at such an early age can create stress for any child. In the rush to meet quotas and proficiency standards, many school districts are cutting back on , eliminating and and emphasizing academics over unstructured creative activities and time for play. For example, a 2006 University of Virginia  revealed how kindergarten teachers devoted as much time to reading as to math, science, social studies, music and art combined.

In an excellent article, Kenneth Ginsberg summarizes the , along with the "variety of factors that have reduced play, including a hurried lifestyle, changes in family structure, and increased attention to academics and enrichment activities at the expense of recess or free child-centered play." writes about the cognitive, emotional and health risks associated with the decline in free play in schools and at home. In  Diane Marie highlights the classroom changes that emphasize developmentally inappropriate performance-based goals rather than what children need. And these goals may not be effective. She cites two studies as examples that suggest the early emphasis on reading is unnecessary and fails to maintain long-term benefits:
"Both compared children who learned to read at 5 with those who learned at 7 and spent their early years in play-based activities. Those who read at 5 had no advantage. Those who learned to read later had better comprehension by age 11, because their early play experiences improved their language development.''
Play is fundamental to learning and development for all children. It contributes to their cognitive development, social skills, and emotional well-being. It is the foundation for children's earliest social relationships, enhances the parent-child bond, and lights the spark of creativity and passion. Children discover what they love, what brings them joy and intrigue, and what is meaningful.

Through play, children get to:
  • Explore, create, invent, and generate new ideas 
  • Develop a sense of mastery over their world
  • Learn to share and work cooperatively with peers
  • Develop strategic thinking and problem-solving abilities
  • Improve fine motor and gross motor skills
  • Try out adult roles through pretend play
  • Improve  abilities
  • "Work through" frustration and fears by acting them out
  • Relieve and discharge stress
Sometimes it is assumed that gifted children need less play than others. Their intensity, introversion, and focused interests can be misinterpreted as evidence that they don't need time for play. Stereotypical assumptions of perfectionism and  can create an expectation that intellectual pursuits should take precedence. Yet, gifted children need the same unstructured play as other children. Arguably, even more so. Here's why:
1. Gifted children thrive when they can be creative, inventive, and use their minds productively. Play can incite their love for learning and discovery, without the pressure of performance, achievement standards, or conforming to others' rules. 
2. Gifted children benefit from learning to cooperate with peers. They grow from learning to adapt with friends who are not gifted, and by meeting the challenge when with gifted peers. They learn important lessons about social skills, managing anxiety, coping with competitive feelings, and what types of social interactions feel comfortable for them.
3. Gifted children develop a sense of mastery when they accomplish something challenging, and a demanding play situation may require more from them than an academic environment. Whether it is a computer game or a baseball field, gifted children develop humility and perspective when they fail, try again, and, perhaps, succeed.
4. Gifted children discharge stress through play and can "work through" some of their anxiety by acting out conflicts. If a child is bullied at school, she might use dolls to express her anger. If a child is feeling insecure, he might develop "superhero powers" in his play with friends. Gifted children are aware of their differences, and have difficulty finding like-minded peers. Play can be an outlet for their frustrations when they feel isolated or lonely.
A 2013 conducted by Sally Rapp Beiser and colleagues reported how gifted fifth and sixth graders viewed play. They identified play as necessary for motivation, problem-solving abilities, attention, learning, and team-building. The authors urged parents of gifted children to decrease the structured activities many of these children pursue and ensure that they have time for unstructured play.

Given the social, emotional, and academic benefits of play, insisting that gifted children - all children - have plenty of opportunity for free, unstructured play time is essential. It seems that a reversal of No Child Left Behind quotas, overscheduled activities, and performance driven goals are in order. All children deserve the gift of play.


This blog is part of the Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Gifted@Play. To read more blogs in this hop, visit this Blog Hop at





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Montessori Education at Home for Your 3-5 Year Old ($10 Off Code Inside)



I am really excited to be collaborating with . If you want to give your child a Montessori education at home, offers everything you need to focus on having fun and teaching your kids, not doing research and creating materials. Their main goal is to help you "bring Montessori home." The subscription has everything (video instruction, curriculum, and materials) to make it easy for even someone with no experience to have the benefit of Montessori at home.

The materials they provide are high quality. They are designed to last and be used with all of your kids for years. They also search for beautiful items that engage the imagination.


Each month you get:
  • Curriculum for 6-8 activities
  • Video instruction for each activity
  • Video instruction for basic Montessori principles
  • All necessary materials
  • Bonus activities and suggested ways to more using a few materials at home
Each box is themed, so your kids will love them. They think it’s fun, and you know it’s learning.

Here is the newest toolbox! Building and Blocks!











One of my favorites, Dinosaur Discovery!


This Toolbox provides the opportunity to feel like a paleontologist while your child studies a real dinosaur bone, excavates a model dinosaur, and makes their own fossil!



I'm happy to offer you a discount of $10 off your first month!! Just and use the code AFFBEPP.


Watch by Montessori by Mom to see the materials and an explanation of some of the activities.

Right now, they only offer a subscription for the 3-5 age range, but they hope to expand that as their business grows! 

Everything is created by two teachers running a small business. They really did start Montessori By Mom to help parents and make Montessori more accessible for everyone!

*We have the shells and starfish toolbox, and my 5 year old adores it! These are quality materials and well put together! He loves the counting and transfer activities. I wish I'd started both my kids with a Montessori education from the get-go! - RE*

***UPDATE***
has added a new store where they are now offering single toolboxes like these as well as refill items

Shoots and Sprouts

Mad Scientist

Space Explorer



As well as Activity Sets such as these:

Mystery Bag and Nature Study

Astronaut Adventure

Constellation Activity Set

Pouring Activity

Seashell Transfer

Save by getting the subscription and get a new toolbox every month! Save EVEN MORE by using my code to get $10 off your first month's subscription! Just  and use the code AFFBEPP.

Whatever you order, let them know that we sent you!










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Inspiring Stories of These Kids Today - Part 3





We hear it all the time! Kids today are bratty, entitled, and disrespectful. 

I want to debunk this common myth about today's youth. Sure, there are a few disrespectful, bratty, and entitled kids out there, but a great many of them are wonderful! I've had stories pour in from all across the globe and I want to share with you today just a few of the inspiring and beautiful hearts of "these kids today."

I have two sons - Maison, who is almost 4, and Zachary, who just turned 2. Maison from the start has been an incredible big brother who continues to make me proud! The moment that I am sharing really touched my heart. I brought the boys to Chuckee Cheese where they have an indoor play tunnel connected to the ceiling. You have to climb all the way up which for an incredible tiny two is a HUGE deal. Maison bustling through climbed up with the speed and agility of a powerful three. When he got to the top he called out for Zach. Zach yelled, "Down here!" Maison climbed back down where he saw Zachary struggle. He then proceeded to tell Zach, "Ok, bubba I will help you". He lifted Zach up each level all the way to the top 3 or 4 times. No questions asked and with joy in his heart. Finally, Zach could do it "by self" as he says. Maison smiled and called over to me, "Mom, he can do it! Yay!". You see this was something so little, yet the smallest things are what make the biggest difference. Taking the few extra steps can make a world of difference to one person. I hope Maison continues to be the person to take those extra steps. The world needs more of those. Zach and I are lucky we get to keep him. - Samantha 

My niece recently turned 7 years old. For her birthday this year she asked that instead of presents for her this year, people donate money to Princess Margaret Children's Hospital in the name of her older sister who died 18months ago. She is also about to cut her hair very short so that she can donate it for a child's wig She hopes other kids don't have to know what it's like to lose a sibling. - Kirsty L
***

Yesterday my 12 year old son walked a couple of my 7 year old daughter's little friends home. There were two girls and they only had one bike, so my son let them use a second bike he had. Then he realized he couldn't get two bikes back. A teenage boy walked him home and carried the bike for him. - Gina J
***
When our youngest was 14, he and his best friend waited for an elderly woman neighbor to leave her house and then swooped in to clear her driveway and walkway from piles of snow. They came in so excited and watched her return peeking out from behind our curtains. She never knew who did this, but what struck me was their absolute delight. He still is a very thoughtful, helpful and kind person. - Cornelia S
***

My three-year-old, Audrey, is the most loving and compassionate little person I've ever known. When she was 18 months old a little girl on the playground fell and hurt herself. Audrey heard the little girl crying and walked across the playground to comfort the little girl and make sure she was okay.
Fast forward to present day, last week we were going through a drive-thru and she was saying "hi!" to the workers in the windows, making them smile. As we drove away she says to me, "I love, love, love people!"
She is teaching me to be a better person every day. I love her heart. I'm one proud mommy! - Melissa F
***

Small thing but I saw your post on fb. My son, when given the choice  to return duplicate presents from his birthday party to buy something else or give it to children who don't have as much, he insisted on giving it to children who don't have as much. He is four. Got the idea from friends who have a six year old and did the same thing.
My four year old also, on his own accord, asked to make a thank you note for his teachers who stayed on the playground longer when he got there late so he could have some play time. He said "that was so nice of them".
I have also observed his friends coming over to give him hugs when he's crying. One of his friends told his mom he was worried about my son when my son had to leave school early because of an injury.
I see it all the time. Thanks for doing the blog! - Christina B
***

I love this idea and want to share a little story of my 2 year old daughter. We've recently had a baby boy and so her life has been turned upside down, but she's still so generous. I took her out for a mummy-daughter date to the coffee shop whilst her brother slept. I bought one piece of cake to share with her, but she decided she wanted to give her bit to her daddy. She loves cake so this was very special. <3
Looking forward to reading all the other stories.
Rebecca
***

My 5-year-old son received $20 for Easter from his grandparents. He was planning all the things he would buy with it then he thought for a minute and said "Mom, you know what? I don't think I need all that money. I would like to give some of it away to help people." So we did!
My 3-year-old daughter always runs out of holiday candy quickly (Halloween, Christmas, Easter, etc.) because she is so busy giving it away. She remembers people's favorite candies, too, and makes a special effort to give it to them from her stash.
We have never forced or incentivized them to give or share....we just talk about how good it feels to give and how they feel when someone shares with them. - Sara L
***
 My son Brayson is 2.5 yrs old. A few weeks ago we were in Walmart standing in line to pay. Behind us was a lady with a little girl who I believe was struggling financially. The little girl was crying asking for something and I overheard the woman say "No not today we can't afford it". As I paid for my items, my son kept staring at the little girl with a deep look of concern on his face. He reached for me to pick him up and pointed at the little girl. He gave her his balloon I had bought for him and said "Here baby don't cry". The little girl smiled from ear to ear and said thank you. I was so touched I couldn't help but cry. So very proud of my little boy. We went for ice cream after that :) -Jamie
***
A few weeks ago I made dinner, and Laila, who usually eats everything in sight, refused every bite that I offered her. The foods I had made that night were all foods that she really enjoys, so Eder decided to just force feed her one bite. He thought that if she just ate the one bite, she’d eat the rest. The food didn’t even make it past her teeth before she was gagging and crying. I told Eder to let her down and when she was hungry, she’d tell us. I fully expected her to run off and play with her toys while we ate. Instead she walked over to my plate and picked up a green bean. Haha Eder! Gentle parenting works! She just wanted to feed herself! To my surprise, she put the green bean in my mouth! She fed me one green bean after the other, then potatoes, and then little bites of fish. Once the larger portion of the plate was gone, she fed herself the rest.
I was so touched by this little act of kindness. Laila had seen me taking care of her, and this time she wanted to take care of me! - Mary M.

***
 I have a very hyper boy (7) and he always has been. I consider it just him being a boy. I used to be a very punitive parent because I bought into the idea that children must be perfect and behave and stay still and silent. Once I checked myself, I noticed a lot more of my son's natural wonderful qualities. He's empathetic, helpful, kind, shows initiative, imaginative, and many more. He is the first one to rush to anyone who has tripped or is crying to find out how he can help. Today, he carried his sister by piggy back for almost a mile during our 3 mile walk. Once we got to our destination, we met a little boy (5 years old) whose mother was busy talking with her friend, so my son played with him. When the little boy needed to go to the bathroom, his mom got frustrated with him, brought him to the bathroom and left him there because her other child was crying. I saw my son go to check on his new friend and said he helped him wash his hands because he couldn't reach the sink. I can only imagine my son giving this boy a boost to reach the faucet. When we got home, he said he wanted to take a bath and he washed the tub all by himself the way he saw me do it he said. I was surprised by his initiative. When I went to check, the tub was really shiny!
Also, my 3 year old heard me talking to her younger brother about changing his diaper, and she went to get the diaper and butt paste and brought them to me! I didn't even ask her! She saw what I was doing and observed from previous diaper changes what I use, and she brought them to me. - Maranela B
***

My almost 4 year old son, thanks to the efforts of positive parenting, is probably more emotionally mature than I am.

I grew up horribly emotionally and mentally abused by my father.  I have been in therapy for 10 years and I struggle with severe depression and postpartum depression and possibly adult ADHD.  I suffer from confusion with feelings of anger, self-hatred, and sorrow.  We have really made the commitment to positive parenting and emotional development in our children so that they do not have to ever suffer the way that I did.

Today, I started to digress into a place of anger and was a little aggressive with my words towards my husband about house organization and tidiness.  Something mediocre, not requiring my agitation.  However, because I was descending into that angry place, my son came to me and put his hands on my stomach in a loving way and said, "Mom, mommy...everything's going to be okay" and he smiled.

It makes me cry to think that he has the emotional maturity and strength to help his damaged mommy heal herself of years of tragedy.  Needless to say, I was able to put myself back into a calmer place.

I encourage people to understand that emotional development in children does not manifest into "entitlement" or "brattiness."  It helps them learn to collaborate, stay calm in the face of adversity, and give strength to those around them.  It is about balance; it is about connecting with them at many moments so that they do need to "act out" to garner attention.  It is understanding that they, too, are human and that they have wants and needs.  And why is it we teach our children that they cannot ever have what they want?  Why do we insist on teaching them a circular argument of going after what they want yet when they want it, we deny them consistently?  Collaboration, limitations, and connection help to create assertive children who respect others and respect themselves.

I realise this is really harder said than done... that mistakes get made and we try to remedy those mistakes in the best way we can.  I certainly am not perfect by any means.  That said, my son makes great strides to remind me that everything will be okay.

Melanie T.







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Gifted Women, Gifted Girls, and Mental Health

May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and while mental health concerns affect everyone, women face distinct challenges. Women possess unique biochemical and hormonal influences that predispose them to certain mental illnesses, and they respond differently to environmental stresses. Gifted women face the same mental health risks as others, and recognizing these risks is critical.
In comparison to men, women are two to three times as likely to experience anxiety, twice as likely to become depressed, and develop post-traumatic stress disorder twice as often. Ninety percent of eating disorders, such as anorexia nervosa and bulimia, occur in women. Post-partum depression occurs in up to 13% of women during the first year after childbirth. On the other hand, women are less likely to experience impulse control and substance abuse disorders. ()
Some of the reasons for these differences can be attributed to biochemistry. Hormonal fluctuations associated with menstruation, pregnancy, or menopause can precipitate the onset of depression or anxiety, and affect the intensity or frequency of symptoms. suggest that there are gender differences in how the brain processes emotionally arousing information  Environmental factors also play a role. Women are raised with different expectations in terms of gender roles, the demands placed on them by their families, and assumptions regarding what they should be able to achieve. Women often have to navigate challenges such as discrimination, single parenthood, lower wages and poverty, and are typically the caretakers in their families. They are also more likely to be victims of violence and abuse, which can contribute to an increased risk of depression, post-traumatic stress disorder and panic disorder.
While genetic or biochemical triggers of mental illness are not always preventable, early identification and treatment can reduce the severity, chronicity, and long-term effects that may pass from generation to generation. Various forms of enrichment and support can provide protective benefits for young girls. Parenting children in a positive and respectful manner, providing positive role models, nurturing supportive relationships with family, encouraging healthy independence, and offering opportunities for young girls to achieve their goals, can provide a preventive buffer that promotes mental health. Efforts to prevent violence and abuse are critical, both within families and in schools and neighborhoods, and early intervention is essential when abuse has occurred.

Gifted women and girls face some unique stressors. While investigating whether gifted individuals are more prone to mental health problems has been contradictory, many gifted individuals suffer because of their emotional intensity. Heightened sensitivity, a passion for social justice issues, overexcitabilities, and asynchronous development amplify social differences. Bullying, peer pressure, and difficulty fitting in create stress and emotional anguish. Gifted girls, in particular, may hide their abilities, "dumb themselves down" and avoid traditionally masculine  to remain popular. Gifted girls and women (along with men) also may be due to misunderstanding among professionals about the social and emotional aspects of giftedness. 

Parents and teachers can help gifted girls appreciate their abilities and assert their needs without shame. While some families still grapple with stereotypes that over accomplishments, most struggle more with questions regarding their daughter's social and emotional adjustment. If of depression, anxiety or other concerns become apparent, it is critical that families seek counseling for their children. More information about the benefits of psychotherapy can be found through the . 
As adults, each woman needs to discover what constitutes “mental health” for herself. Finding a blend of serenity, creativity, and joy is a goal that many women find hard to achieve, but can be attained. Learning how and when to assert one’s needs, setting limits and asking for emotional support can enrich relationships. Cultivating healthy optimism, an adventurous spirit, a balance between work and play, and some meaningful self-reflection can enhance personal growth. Giftedness is no protection against mental health problems. Early identification and treatment is critical to ensuring recovery and future well-being.
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Jesus, the Gentle Parent - A Review and a Big Giveaway!


There are many Christian parenting books out there which condone and even advise harsh treatment of children based off proof-texting a few select Scriptures. Such books written by the Pearls, Ezzo, Dobson, Williams, and Tripp have dangerous messages which have led to . 

"A parent must recognize and see clearly that Biblically beating his child sensitizes that child not only to the fact of sin but also to its ugliness. In addition, the child will see that the penalty must always be paid when we sin...The one who does not Biblically beat his child, in a loving and consistent way, in a very real sense predisposes that child for hell and even has a very direct part in sending him there." (Ronald E. Williams, The Correction and Salvation of Children) 

L.R. Knost challenges the views and beliefs of these popular Christian authors by breaking down the very Scriptures they use to support such harsh treatment of children to the original text. By looking at the original text and their meanings, we can clearly see there is no foundation whatsoever for the rigid, harsh treatment of God's gifts to us. 

In Jesus, the Gentle Parent, Knost beautifully illustrates the heart of the Father. She gently points readers' eyes directly to where Christian eyes should be fixed, the Cross - the Cross, where we all received the gift of an undeserving grace and an unconditional love which our children should not be deprived of. Jesus paid the penalty for our sin, yet self-proclaimed experts like Williams maintain that the smallest of us must continue to pay the penalty for theirs. 

"Grace is the point. The whole point. Everything leading up to the Cross pointed to the Cross, everything was settled on the Cross, and on the cross,in the outstretched arms of Jesus is where grace was born. (L.R. Knost)

This book, however, is not just a book which discusses Christian theology, but is a practical guide for parenting children from infancy to adolescence. Newborns, toddlers, preschoolers, middle childhood, and teens and beyond are all addressed by the author as she explains how to parent our little ones responsively, consciously, and with a compassionate heart in each age and stage.

The Discussion Questions and Points to Ponder near the end of the book are invaluable as they implore us to look inside ourselves to see what our true beliefs are and where we acquired our beliefs, and more importantly to seek God for wisdom in our parenting choices. She doesn't expect you to take her word blindly but to seek counsel from the Creator. 

Jesus, the Gentle Parent is a breath of fresh air for Christian parents. It is a paradigm-changing resource that I recommend to every parent who wants to show their children the heart of our God. Lay down your rod and pick up your child in loving arms as you gently point them to the Cross. One of the chapters is titled "Grace has a Face." I love that, because it's true. Jesus is the face of grace, but to little children, the face of grace is you. 

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Look for in paperback or Kindle and at other retailers. 

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I'VE TEAMED UP WITH L.R. KNOST TO DO A HUGE GIVEAWAY! 

We are giving away 3 of L.R. Knost's books to lucky Facebook fans! Here's what's up for grabs!


Gentle Parenting is about guiding instead of controlling, connecting instead of punishing, encouraging instead of demanding. It's about listening, understanding, responding, and communicating. Written by children's book and parenting author, L.R.Knost, 'Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages' is an introduction to the ideas behind gentle parenting and to its application in each of the developmental stages of childhood.



Communication is the key to peaceful, effective interactions between parents and children. When normal childhood behavior is viewed as normal instead of something to be corrected and controlled, communication creates the bridge to developmentally appropriate growth, maturity, and independence. Written by best-selling parenting and children's book author and mother of six, L.R.Knost, 'Whispers Through Time: Communication Through the Ages and Stages of Childhood' is a rethinking of mainstream parenting's perception of normal childhood behaviors coupled with simple, practical approaches to parent/child communication at each stage of development from tots to teens.




In this first release in L.R.Knost's Wisdom For Little Hearts children's picture book series, lovable little Petey and his furry friend, Beans, are having a difficult day until Petey’s mommy and daddy step in with some gentle guidance and help him remember to turn his ‘Listening Ears’ on, turning his very bad day into a very good one! The Wisdom For Little Hearts series is designed as a tool for parents, teachers, and caregivers to use in implementing Gentle Parenting techniques in their homes and schools. Concrete imagery and positive discipline techniques woven into humorous, engaging stories make the Wisdom For Little Hearts series ideal for children ages two to six.


RULES TO ENTER

To enter to win one of these fantastic books, simply go to my  where this post will be pinned to the top of the page. Find it, share it, and leave a comment that you have shared. Three winners will be chosen at random at the end of the giveaway.
GIVEAWAY ENDS May 15, 2014 at midnight EST. Check the Facebook post for the announcement of the winners. It will stay pinned to the top until then. 






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Why is the "gifted" label so threatening?

What is it about the "gifted" label that creates such controversy?

Parents of gifted children, who harness for appropriate educational services, must navigate a maze of criticism and skepticism from who doubt the validity of the concept. Often met with blank stares at parent-teacher conferences, school board meetings, and parent groups, they feel alone and misunderstood.

Not unlike their children: alone and misunderstood.

How does the label of "gifted" play a role?

When parents who love and adore their children cherish the gift of their very being, it can seem like an assault to their senses when told their child is not "gifted." How can that be? What makes your child more of a gift than mine?

And so the controversy begins. A simple label, grounded in IQ scores above 130, emotional excitabilities, and exceptional talents beyond the norm, incites bitterness and envy. As all parents grapple with their child's strengths and weaknesses, a debate about "gift as a blessing" vs. "gifted as a technical term" obscures meaning.

In an , I advocated for a name change. Yet, there is also reason to question whether finding a new label will matter. After all, gifted children will continue to stand out from the crowd, draw attention to themselves, and risk envy, and derision from peers. Gifted has been a familiar term, used for decades, and changing it may create confusion and misunderstanding. And change could be seen as a concession to social/cultural forces steeped in ignorance. Nevertheless, a different name might help to eliminate one of the many barriers gifted children face.

Until then, efforts needed to address the controversy include:
Education. (Ironically.) Teachers, administrators and policy-makers in gifted education. Specifically. Not just a half-day seminar, but extensive training and supervision, certification, and continuing education.
Advocacy. Parents didn't sign up for this, but must absorb the burden until improved services are available. Parents of gifted children understand the dilemma better than anyone, and their continued on a local, state and national level is essential.
Communication. Explaining, describing and in every conversation about it will educate others. This does not mean apologizing for your child's abilities or balancing your child's strengths with a quick acknowledgment of his or her weaknesses. Parents of gifted children are entitled to express pride, disappointment, joy, excitement, and all of the other emotions inherent in parenting, without shame.
Without a name change, parents are left to advocate, educate and clarify each time they use the term "gifted."

Until others get it.

Until it is less threatening.

Until it is understood.


This blog is part of the Hoagies’ Gifted Education Page inaugural Blog Hop on The “G” Word (“Gifted”).  To read more blogs in this hop, visit this Blog Hop at 
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Eliminate gifted education (?)

What would happen if gifted services were eliminated? Would this better serve gifted children?

A recommends not just finding a , but eliminating the concept completely. The authors contend that budget-strapped school districts waste too much of their limited funding for gifted education on identifying students, leaving next to nothing for providing an education. They also claim that many gifted programs are still not serving the needs of advanced learners, that teachers can use differentiated instruction to address this problem, and that a label of gifted is unnecessary since all children deserve an education consistent with their learning needs.

The authors’ emphasis on meeting the needs of all students is commendable, and their critique of the current delivery of gifted services is certainly valid. Yet, their recommendation carries certain assumptions that pose serious consequences for gifted children:

1. It assumes that high ability (gifted) learners will be easily identified by classroom teachers. We know that gifted students (particularly those who are from low-income families, from a racial minority, are underachievers, or who are twice-exceptional learners) are . Many teachers have little education or training in gifted education, toward gifted children and their families, and don’t understand the depth of their academic needs. If many gifted children are not being identified despite efforts and regulations in many states, how would elimination of the gifted label benefit these children’s academic needs?

2. It assumes classroom teachers will readily focus on gifted students’ leaning needs. In spite of regulations in many states, gifted students are still . Most school districts focus on the needs of struggling students, and little time is available for gifted students. Most teachers devote their energies to those who appear to be struggling the most. For example, a 2011 found that when teachers were asked where they would direct their energy if they had time available for individualized attention, 80% claimed that they would attend to their struggling students, whereas only 5% stated that their advanced learners would receive attention. 

3. It implies that diagnostic terms are unnecessary. The label or "diagnosis" of giftedness follows from an conducted by a psychologist or school psychologist. Regardless of whether the diagnosis is depression, a learning disability, or gifted intellectual abilities, the purpose of any label or diagnosis is to provide clear, understandable information that is consistent, easily communicated, and will aid teachers or therapists in their work with the child. Although the term “gifted” incites controversy, why is identifying individuals whose intellectual abilities are 5% above the norm considered unnecessary? Would these authors also recommend eliminating other diagnostic terms, such as those used to identify individuals with learning disabilities or special education needs?

In fact, while the authors claim to support NAGC, their opinions are not consistent with the organization's goals. The report clearly supports widespread availability of gifted services:
"NAGC urges lawmakers and education leaders to develop a comprehensive state strategy that removes barriers and expands access for more students to a full range of high quality gifted education services, including:
• training in gifted education for all teachers and school leaders
• state policy allowing a wide range of acceleration options
• following gifted and talented students as a separate population in
student achievement accountability measures"
In yet another paper, the  states their position:
"The National Association for Gifted Children recommends that gifted education services, including identification, educational programming and support services, and teacher training be mandated by legislation in all states and funded at appropriate levels." 
The authors also, unfortunately, convey the misconception that giftedness cannot be defined and that it carries an aura of status that excludes others. They state: "'gifted' is an educationally nondescript concept, yet it also connotes an endowment that some students receive while others do not."  While some school districts waffle on definitions of what constitutes a gifted program, gifted intellectual functioning can be identified (with some exceptions) by an IQ of 130 or greater. And to imply that the label of giftedness is an "endowment" fuels stereotypes that instill bitterness and  about gifted students' intellectual and social/emotional traits.

The authors conclude their article with the following: "By focusing less on the child's label and more on the child's needs, we will better serve those students in our schools"  These lofty goals would be wonderful in an ideal world. But parents of gifted children, and most educators and psychologists working with gifted individuals recognize that this utopia does not exist. 

Retaining a label that identifies gifted abilities safeguards the precious few services these children currently receive and ensures their future accessibility. Eliminating identification is a shortsighted solution and creates a dangerous precedent that could set gifted education back for decades. Improving and enhancing learning for all children is critical; eliminating identification of gifted children will not aid in this process. 

What do you think?
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