What keeps women from STEM careers?

Women are consistently underrepresented in STEM (science, technology, engineering, math) fields, despite efforts to encourage and recruit them. For example, reported that while 74% of middle school girls were interested in STEM subjects, only .3% eventually majored in computer science. have found that only 18% of computer science graduates and 12% of engineers are women.

What stops girls and young women from pursuing math and science interests in high school, college and in their careers?

1. Widespread in both educational settings and the workforce. This includes overt, subtle and , , and regarding women's abilities in math or science. Women may be seen as less capable, less committed to their careers (especially once they have children), and they are expected to prove themselves repeatedly to gain respect. Women may be perceived as hard workers, but not as bright as men, who are viewed as " They also are .

2. Assumptions about math anxiety. Due to their heightened sensitivity, girls are affected by both their and their  about math. They may believe others' negative views about their abilities, and develop that is inconsistent with their actual performance, yet still holds them back.

3. Less practice with toys and games that improve spatial skills. Most girls do not gravitate toward activities requiring spatial abilities to the same degree as boys, giving boys an edge with these skills as they mature. A recent article suggested that girls would benefit from a greater emphasis on developing starting in childhood. Since the 1980's, boys have spent more time playing computer games, and this corresponds with a in the number of women entering the computer science field. The  is an attempt to counteract this trend and stimulate interest in technology among girls.

4. Lack of confidence in their own abilities. Girls lose confidence in their math and science capabilities starting at a young age, avoid taking more difficult math courses, and often  especially in math. One  found that 60% of 12-year-old girls assumed STEM subjects would be too difficult for them. And feeling confident and for one's math abilities has been associated with choosing a career in math or science.  described how women often attribute their success to luck or effort, and any failure to lack of ability or an internal flaw. They also consistently underestimate their performance, and expect perfection before they promote themselves in the workforce.

What are some other roadblocks?

Given these barriers, it is remarkable how many women actually remain on track for a career in STEM. And addressing these difficulties is critical to closing the gender gap. But are there other factors that also contribute to these roadblocks?

One intriguing possibility was proposed by and colleagues. They identified interests and preferences - not confidence or math ability - as reasons why fewer women pursue STEM, reporting that this accounted for 83% of the gender differences in choosing IT as a career. Women in their study were identified as less concerned with inanimate systems, and more interested in working with plants, animals or people.

In another article,  claimed that women make an active decision to turn down STEM career options. She critiqued the  findings regarding the limited number of women in STEM careers, and commented that:

"Starting from the assumption that anything predominantly "male" is the desirable standard, the AAUW report never questions why women should choose technical fields over other disciplines, except to echo the sixties era notion that any ratio that tilts towards male must reflect something worth having."

Pinker also suggested that women differ from men, as they may be less willing to sacrifice their personal interests for salary or tolerate the frequently required job relocations, and may want to focus on people and the arts rather than objects. She noted that the AAUW report:

"...rarely questions how many women are actually that keen to sign on to all aspects of male-typical STEM careers; to wit, frequent moves, prioritizing salary and promotions over personal happiness, or sacrificing one's deep interests in other fields, say in history, human development, or public policy - all in order to fix, sell or distribute widgets..."

Ultimately, everyone must choose a career path, and this may mean sacrificing some of these "deep interests" for one that pays the bills. However, Pinker raises some key points that are relevant to gifted women who work best when intrinsically motivated, long to feel passionate about their work and seek meaning in what they do.

Gifted girls and STEM

Gifted girls are attuned to a deep sense of starting from an early age. As women, they often thrive in a collaborative, supportive environment. Friendly, as opposed to cut-throat, competition is enlivening, and knowing their efforts are in service of some greater good fulfills a sense of mission and meaning. If they are going to "fix, sell or distribute widgets," those widgets ought to be developed through a collaborative team effort, designed with an intense creative focus, and serve a useful and worthy cause.

Another  supports this perspective, and points to the importance of enlisting girls' sense of purpose and desire to effect meaningful change:

"Girls want to change the world. 

Eighty-eight percent say they want to make a difference with their lives, and 90 percent express a desire to help people, according to the Girl Scouts' 'Generation STEM' research. Girls have traditionally achieved this goal through people-oriented careers rather than through applying technology and scientific expertise to change the way things are done. 

However, if more girls learn that STEM careers open up new avenues to help and serve, more girls will choose STEM."

Finding meaning and connection 

Women have a relational need for connection. This concept has been highlighted through the work of . They have proposed that people grow through and toward relationships, and women develop a sense of self-in-relation to others. How women relate to others is essential to who they are and how they feel about themselves.

This fundamental relational element may have been overlooked in the frenzy to engage girls' interest in robotics, coding and the lab. While it is essential to address the widespread gender bias in STEM fields, the unfair and inaccurate assumptions about girls' math abilities, and the low self-esteem that can impede girls' efforts, it is just as critical to engage this relational, collaborative, and altruistic component of many girls' sense of self. Otherwise, working with systems, numbers and objects may seem too isolated, abstract, and devoid of meaning to warrant their efforts. And gifted girls with and an array of choices may readily dismiss the path toward a STEM career unless they view it as potentially fulfilling and meaningful. Parents and educators must consider this necessary component of girls' identity if they wish to encourage their involvement in math and science fields.

In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on March Mathness. To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link: .

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Why do smart girls develop eating disorders?

Parents of gifted girls might wonder how "smart" girls could develop an eating disorder. Doesn't their intelligence, insight and maturity somehow insulate them from developing these devastating problems?

And are they more or less likely than others to have a problem with their eating?

It's National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, a time to spread the word about identification and treatment. (See below for resources and an online screening tool)* The hallmark features of eating disorders, such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating disorder include:

• a preoccupation with food, weight and body image

• an unhealthy change in eating patterns, such as restrictive eating, compulsive overeating, or a cycle of binge eating and compensatory attempts to prevent weight gain through the use of purging behaviors or excessive exercise

• psychological effects, such as obsessive thinking, anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, a distorted body image, and shame and secrecy about the disorder

• medical complications, including extreme weight loss (or gain), cessation of menstrual periods, gastrointestinal disturbances, electrolyte imbalance

Eating disorders tend to emerge during middle school and high school, but symptoms may start much earlier, or can  in life. It is  that the prevalence of anorexia is 1% and bulimia is 4%. Men also can be diagnosed with an eating disorder (approximately 5-10% of individuals with anorexia and 10-20% with bulimia are male). And although much more common among white middle-class society, where young women's self-esteem is battered by pop culture's images of unattainable thinness, most women do not develop eating disorders. Similarly, dieting often triggers the onset of eating disordered symptoms; however, cutting calories rarely progresses to a serious problem for the millions of women who diet (despite its and the emotional toll of the weight loss/weight gain cycle - but that's another topic). In fact,  noted that 91% of college women reported dieting at least once.

So then, why do smart girls develop eating disorders?

Because...

They cannot help it. They don't choose to have an eating disorder - just as no one chooses depression, alcoholism or diabetes. Recent research has linked eating disorders to , heritable causes, and differences in . Responses to are different for some girls with anorexia, and once malnutrition sets in, judgment and decision-making become impaired. And factors such as traumatic stress and developmental transitions are necessary triggers for symptoms to emerge. But intelligence and giftedness play no role in either preventing or warding off symptoms.

Because...

They may have had traumatic experiences that prime them to develop an eating disorder. While a genetic/biochemical predisposition may be necessary, many individuals with eating disorders have a history of sexual abuse or severe physical abuse, often accompanied by depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder. Although counterintuitive, gaining control over eating is often an attempt to manage memories of abuse and achieve mastery over feelings of helplessness.

Because...

They may have traits in common with individuals who also have eating disorders. Some gifted girls and those with eating disorders may be intensely sensitive and emotional; they also may be overthinkers, driven and . If there is a genetic/biochemical predisposition to develop an eating disorder, along with life event triggers, these "gifted" traits may get channeled into obsessive thoughts about food and a drive to achieve an unrealistic weight. Some may feel overwhelmed by their heightened sensitivity and reactivity, and eating disorder symptoms might seem to provide temporary relief.

Because...

They may have coexisting problems, such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, drug or alcohol problems, or self-harming behaviors. They did not choose these either. But struggling with additional psychological distress, as well as possible family, peer or relationship crises, makes it more likely that an eating disorder might develop. Sometimes the obsessive focus on restrictive eating and weight loss, or the almost addictive-like feel of the binge-purge cycle, can be a relief, a distraction and an outlet from even more overwhelming life stressors and emotions.

Because...

They may feel like outliers and misfits, excluded and isolated from their peers, sometimes subject to teasing and bullying. In an effort to gain popularity and fit in, some gifted girls resort to dieting or restrictive eating to achieve an idealized appearance. For some, dieting transitions into more serious eating disordered behavior. 

One  suggested that a high proportion of individuals with eating disorders also may be gifted. The author based this statement on her clinical impressions as a psychologist, but acknowledged that there was no research to back up her claim. Without additional research, it may be premature to speculate on the prevalence of women with eating disorders who are gifted. 

However, what seems more relevant is to question how eating disorders affect gifted people and how their giftedness affects their treatment and recovery.

• How do social and emotional characteristics of giftedness, such as heightened sensitivity, asynchronous development, or perfectionism play a role?

• How do childhood experiences, such as difficulty finding like-minded peers, feeling misunderstood, and possibly being bullied contribute to their symptoms? 

• Are they using the eating disorder, for example, as a defense against fear of taking academic risks, underlying existential depression, or indecision over which career path to take? 

• Are gifted individuals better able to "outsmart" treatment professionals so they can remain entrenched in their disorder?

Just as in every other area of their lives, their giftedness impacts who they are. And it will play a role in treatment and recovery. An understanding of giftedness is essential for family, friends, and treatment professionals in order to help any gifted individual struggling with an eating disorder.

How can you help your child (or friend, student or family member) if she has an eating disorder?

1. Insist that she get help. Don't take no for an answer. The sooner the eating disorder is treated, the less entrenched it will become, and the sooner she will be on her road to recovery. Outpatient treatment typically involves individual and family therapy, nutrition counseling, group support, and medical monitoring with a physician. If outpatient therapy is not enough, sometimes inpatient or day treatment programs are helpful for quickly intervening with symptoms and offering a jump start on recovery.

2. Find a comprehensive treatment team that includes a licensed therapist, registered dietitian and physician who specialize in eating disorders. Check with your pediatrician, school counselor, spiritual leader or other trusted sources for referrals. There are also some sites online, such as , that may provide some direction. Your insurance company may be the worst referral source, since they frequently offer random recommendations without regard to your specific needs. Trust your child's and your own instincts about a , even if the referral comes from someone you trust. This is an investment in your child's health, and all of you need to feel comfortable with whomever you choose.

3. Develop a plan if your child refuses therapy. If you have concerns about her health (e.g., weight loss, purging behaviors), take her to her pediatrician, who can evaluate her symptoms and inform her about the importance of treatment. If she still refuses, she might be more open to meeting with a registered dietitian, who can work with her collaboratively to develop a healthy meal plan. If she cannot follow the meal plan, then you have more authority in your claim that she needs treatment. See if other trusted adults in her life can speak with her about going to therapy. As a last resort, you could stage a form of intervention where you and other loved ones challenge her about your concerns and the need for treatment.

4. Get support for yourself.  While it is important to respect your child's privacy, ask her if you may speak with your closest family members and friends so that you can also receive support. When your child is struggling, you suffer as well.  If you need additional guidance, sometimes therapy, eating disorders support groups, or even online groups can be helpful. As difficult as it is, know that your involvement and concern sends a powerful message of support and encouragement to your child and aids in her eventual recovery.

*The National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) is offering a free online screening tool that you can access .

Websites filled with helpful information and resources about eating disorders:

 (eating disorders books)

In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:

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What causes gifted underachievement?

Why does your gifted child struggle in school?

Your child, once curious, energetic, overjoyed to learn, now has little interest in academics. As a parent, you stand by helplessly, saddened as you watch the spark disappear.

Gifted underachievers vary in . They may exert just enough effort to coast through school, and ignored because of average or even above average grades. They may become who choose to achieve only in classes they enjoy, Or they may give up completely, perform poorly, fail, or drop out.

Yet not every gifted child underachieves. All children, especially teens and , face peer pressure and heightened expectations; not all respond by losing their drive to succeed in school.

Then, why?

So, then why do some gifted students lose interest and underachieve when others stay focused?  Researchers and theorists have suggested various reasons for underachievement, some based on sound research, others based on clinical observation or theory (see several references below). Here are some findings:

1. Family dynamics - Family dysfunction, distress, conflict, inconsistent parenting, mixed messages about achievement, an absence of role models, excessive pressure to succeed, or either too much or not enough supervision - all may negatively impact a gifted child's drive to achieve. In families where parents are divided in their opinions about achievement, children may develop resentment about expectations, and may withdraw or rebel. If there is a high level of conflict at home, gifted children may become anxious, angry and preoccupied with the family struggle, and school may take a back seat. 

2. Individual traits - Various personal traits, behaviors and emotional reactions have been linked to gifted underachievers in research and observational studies. These include any of the following: insecurity, perfectionism and fear of making a mistake, conflict avoidance, passive-aggressive behavior, , and perceiving oneself as an These traits limit students' willingness to push themselves, care about their school work, risk failure or endure the envy of peers.

3. Sociocultural Issues - Peer pressure, the desire to "fit in," and cultural issues that discourage achievement all take their toll. Many gifted youth "dumb themselves down" to remain popular; others do this just to survive and protect themselves from . Gender role development plays a part, including boys' concerns about appearing strong, athletic and tough, and and desire to be popular and attractive - all quite different from the "gifted nerd" stereotypes. And some cultures discourage academic success, particularly for girls.

4. School Policy - Underidentification of giftedness, misconceptions about gifted students' abilities, and school policy that discourages universal screening or appropriate and meaningful education for gifted children all contribute to underachievement. Some gifted children become "involuntary underachievers," particularly those in lacking financial resources for gifted education. School policies that discourage enrichment, acceleration, ability grouping or creative alternatives to the mainstream curriculum deprive these students of the education they desperately need. Without the necessary complexity, depth and pace of learning, without like-minded peers, and without teachers who are trained to understand and teach gifted children, they quickly lose interest in learning, and disrespect their teachers and the school culture.

5. Teaching mismatch - Even though most teachers genuinely try to provide the best possible education, gifted students are frequently left behind. Many teachers lack training in gifted education and . Teachers who do not understand or who think all gifted students are high achievers, may assume unrealistically high expectations and become frustrated when students perform poorly. Some teachers place gifted children in the role of "junior instructor," expecting them to teach fellow students. When gifted students are singled out, their differences are highlighted even further, resulting in increased isolation from peers and possible bullying. And in many classrooms, gifted students are just left alone - it is assumed that they "will do just fine" and don't warrant the time and attention the rest of the class requires. Without school work that challenges them, they become bored, inattentive and discouraged. They also may become apathetic, afraid to take academic risks, and may never learn study skills or the value of hard work.

A perfect storm: Middle school 

Although some gifted children lose interest in academics early on, most underachieving gifted students don't start to disengage from learning until middle school and high school. At that point in their development, there is a perfect storm combining the following:

• An accumulation of apathy and disrespect for the system, built up after years of boredom, frustration and feeling that their intellectual needs were never understood, appreciated or challenged. School may seem boring and pointless, and they may refuse to consider any possible benefits it could offer; 

• Increasingly independent thinking, as they forge their own identities, formulate their own views, and develop distinct beliefs, often quite different from those of their families (fueled even more by their sharp intellect and questioning approach to just about everything);

• Developmental changes related to puberty, hormonal shifts, mood swings, and a heightened interest in sexual and dating relationships, which may take precedence over academics;

• Social pressure to conform and achieve popularity, prompting decisions regarding the necessity of fitting in, and whether to embrace or discard their gifted identity. If it is seen as a liability, many will "dumb themselves down" to gain acceptance.  And for some, especially those in inner city schools, conformity can be a matter of survival;

• Increased academic demands. Middle school provides an increasingly competitive, somewhat rigid environment, with higher expectations related to performance, less attention and support from teachers, fewer opportunities for creative expression, and less tolerance for quirks and divergence from the rules. Students also may encounter a difficult assignment for the first time - frequently a shock for those who had coasted through elementary school; 

• Awareness of their inadequacies. If they have not had an opportunity to fail at something in elementary school, they surely will by middle school. In addition to the social scene, often filled with pain and drama, gifted students start to realize that they are not going to be successful in every area of their lives. They may not be the best in every subject, may not get the highest grade, and may never be the most talented. While some can brush this off and move on, others may believe their identity is threatened, feel devastated and retreat. Fearful of taking risks, they may give up easily or become highly anxious before every exam. Since they never had to work hard before, they lack the study skills and strategic planning abilities others learned years earlier. 

Understanding must inform intervention

In order to address the roadblocks that can derail gifted students' performance, a thorough understanding of the possible reasons for underachievement is essential. 

For each child.

Every child is different, so offering sweeping generalizations about reasons for gifted underachievement does not benefit any particular individual child. The list of causes above is a starting point, but parents, teachers, counselors, physicians, school psychologists, therapists, and the child all need to sort out the unique and specific factors that are creating problems. Typically, more than one causal factor is involved, and resolving the problem requires intervention at many levels. But it is critical that a thorough understanding of the cause(s) must inform and drive any intervention. Your child will benefit from your close and attentive focus on what is contributing to the problem, with the hope that you and the school can intervene to quickly resolve it.

This blog post is the second in a three-part series about gifted underachievement. The first post: focused on forms of underachievement. Also, see . Stay tuned for the third post about interventions for underachievement in gifted children!

References:

Baker, J., Bridger, R., & Evans, K. (1998). Models of underachievement among gifted preadolescents: The role of personal, family, and school factors. Gifted Child Quarterly, 42, 5-15.

Clasen, D., & Clasen, R. (1995). Underachievement of highly able students and the peer society. Gifted and Talented International, 10, 67-76.

Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When gifted kids don't have all the answers: How to meet their social and emotional needs. Golden Valley, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Gurian, M. & Stevens, K. (2007). The minds of boys: Saving our sons from falling behind in school and life. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass.

Hoover-Schultz, B. (2005). Gifted underachievement: Oxymoron or educational enigma? Gifted Child Today, 28, 46-49.
Kay, K. & Shipman, C. (2014, May). The Confidence Gap. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/the-confidence-gap/359815/

McCall R., Evahn, C., & Kratzer, L. (1992). High school underachievers: What do they achieve as adults?  Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

McCoach, D. & Siegle, D. (2001). Why try? Factors that differentiate underachieving gifted students from high achieving gifted students. Office of Educational Research and Improvement: Washington, DC. Retrieved from  .

Peterson, J. (2000). A follow-up study of one group of achievers and underachievers four years after high school graduation. Roeper Review, 22, 217-224.

Reis, S. (2002). Social and emotional issues faced by gifted girls in elementary and secondary school. The SENG Newsletter, 2, 1-5. Retrieved from .

Reis, S. & McCoach, D. (2000). The underachievement of gifted students: What do we know and where do we go? Gifted Child Quarterly, 44, 152-170. 

Siegle, D., & McCoach, D. B. (2005). Motivating gifted students. Waco, TX: Prufrock Press.

Smutney, J. (2004, Dec.). Meeting the needs of gifted underachievers - individually! 2e Newsletter. Retrieved from .

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If I’d Known Then …

Yesterday I read an about gifted children that was written over 10 years ago. It had deeply profound insights that could have made a world of difference in the life of one of my children. If I had known then what I know now … but I didn’t; and I can’t change the past.

My husband and I have been beating ourselves up lately about all the mistakes we made as parents; lamenting poor decisions; not advocating for our children more forcefully. We bought into the myth that things would ‘work out on their own’. After years of fighting the system, with limited resources; we eventually gave up.

But you know what? Kids do not come with an instruction manual. Most of us try to do the best we can for our children. Life has taught me … if nothing else … that as parents; we need to follow our instincts. We DO know our children best. Just because someone may interact with our child for a few hours a day does not give them the right to tell us how to parent our children; especially if they lack the training to understand gifted children.

I have been extremely fortunate through my work in the gifted community to meet and talk to many experts in the field of gifted education and ‘gifted’ in general. What I’ve come to realize is that it is extremely important when seeking help or advice to seek out professionals who are both gifted and understand what it means to be gifted

"Life has taught me … if nothing else … that as parents; we need to follow our instincts. We DO know our children best."

Unfortunately, professionals … be they educators, psychologists or therapists … are few and far between who truly ‘get’ us and our children. To this end, I did include a on this blog listing professionals who identify as working with gifted. However, the list is rather sparse for many areas.

The good news is that there are many resources (see below) readily available online for you to take advantage of today. It does take time, but I can’t emphasize enough the importance of doing so. For the most part, we are only given one shot at this parenting gig. Make the most of it! I have listed below some of the resources I have personally found most helpful.

As for my husband and I? We have decided to try to finally give ourselves a break and appreciate the joys and triumphs our children have experienced as young adults. The story is still unfolding and we are still involved enough in their lives to become the parents we’ve always wanted to be … not perfect ones … just parents who seek the best for their children. 

Resources:

Organizations: 

 

 

 

Books: 

 

 

 

 

Websites: 

Blogs: 

 

 

Speakers to Seek Out: Lisa Van Gemert, Ian Byrd, Patricia Gatto-Walden, Brian Housand, Joy Lawson Davis, Dan Peters, Sharon Duncan

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The Messages Behind Discipline

With every correction, I am giving my child a message about who he is.

Because children see themselves through the eyes of their parents, because what they see reflected in our eyes shapes who they become, because the truths they hold about themselves start as the truths we hold about them, there is perhaps no greater work than minding how we view our children and what messages we give them about who they are and what they’re worth.

The messages they get from us, particularly during correction, during the times we are not happy with their behavior or choices, influence their identities.

I was recently offered  to review which has sharpened my awareness to this fact. Module 1 of the course invites parents to think of the messages we send during discipline, and as I’ve been working through this myself, I realized that this is something worth sharing. Most times, our intentions as parents are very good.

We want our children to make good choices. We want them to be responsible, considerate, kind, thoughtful, diligent, and so on. In an effort to instill such qualities in them, we correct them when they go off course, as we should.

Yet, the way in which parents choose to correct often sends a message which is the opposite of what we are going for.

In an effort to get a child to be responsible, we send the clear message of “you are irresponsible.” To make a child be more kind, we give the message “you are not kind.” Then, we stand in awe as they continue to exhibit irresponsible and unkind behavior, not understanding that we planted the very seeds we didn’t want to see spring up.

Let’s say 9-year-old James knows that he is supposed to sweep the patio before he can ride his bike. His father, Ben, comes outside to find the patio filthy and James biking. He motions to James to come over, and tells him, “Why didn’t you sweep the patio like you were told? I’m tired of having to tell you to do something several times before it gets done. You never take responsibility.”

What Ben wants is to teach James responsibility. The message James gets is “you are irresponsible.” Clearly, the intent doesn’t match the message. To more effectively instill these values, our messages need to be consistent with our intent, and this all starts within our own minds.

If we view our children as selfish, aggressive, irresponsible, lazy, etc., we will often speak forth the negative thoughts we allow to swirl. As always, change begins within. As I’ve been going through the , I’ve been taking notes of some of the negative thoughts I’ve allowed to fester in my mind. Thoughts which have made their way out of my mouth at times. “You never shut the door behind you!” “Why can’t you ever sit still for 5 minutes?”

What’s the message behind these words? Do they build a positive identity or negative? “Please shut the door.” “Please try to sit still.” These are requests without the baggage, yet how easy it was to spew the negative message with my requests!

How could Ben have handled the situation with his son in a way that gave a positive message to James, or at least didn’t give a negative message?

“I asked you to sweep this off before you got on your bike. I’d like you do that now please.” He hands him the broom. “Thank you for doing that. I like seeing you be so responsible.”

Here are a few more examples:

Negative message: Don’t hurt your brother like that! That was naughty of you.

Positive message: Uh-oh, you lost your temper and hit your brother. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him. Come sit with me and I’ll help you get control.

Negative message: You need to stop crying and toughen up. It’s not a big deal. There are worse things in life!

Positive message: I can see you’re upset. How can I help?

Negative message: Whine, whine, whine. That’s all I ever hear from you! One more time, and you’ve lost television for the rest of the day!

Positive message: You’re a big girl now with a big girl voice. Let me hear your big girl voice so I can understand you better.

Negative message: Why can’t you be more like your sister? She works hard and passed all her classes.

Positive message: It looks like you’ve been struggling in this class. What can we do to help you succeed?

A subtle shift in our words makes a large impact on how our children view themselves. Don’t be fooled into thinking harsh words somehow motivate children to do better. Gracious words that encourage and build up, even during – especially during – times of correction will have a far more positive impact on who our children grow to be.

*This article was originally published at

Rebecca Eanes, is the founder of  and creator of  She is the author of 3 books. Her newest book,, will be released on June 7, 2016 and is available for pre-order now.  and a co-authored book,  are both best-sellers in their categories on Amazon. She is the grateful mother to 2 boys. 

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Who is the gifted underachiever? Four types of underachievement in gifted children

There is a pervasive myth that all gifted people are high achievers.

But many are not.

Most young gifted children are a ball of energy, full of life, curious, intense, and driven. Then reality sets in. They confront the limitations of school, peer pressure, others' expectations and their own fears, and some scale back their drive. Their intrinsic love of learning seems to vanish overnight.

Underachievement may develop gradually, with less effort expended on homework, tests or projects. Or it can start abruptly. A gifted child, once actively engaged in school, might lose all interest and motivation. Examples of underachievement include risk-aversion, cutting corners on assignments, a refusal to study, or angry rejection of the school culture.

Gifted underachievers are a widely diverse group of children (and adults), whose behavior springs from multiple sources. Some underachievement reflects emotional distress, family problems, or the effects of peer pressure; other times, it develops primarily in response to boredom and an absence of challenging academics. Some underachievement is more easily recognized, such as when a child starts failing at school, but sometimes it is more subtle and is overlooked.

Why are gifted underachievers so hard to identify?

Although underachievement might seem obvious, gifted underachievers may remain hidden. Many students are not identified as gifted, their giftedness is masked by a learning disability or other , or they may not fit the "gifted child stereotype," (i.e., the well-behaved, highly verbal, slightly nerdy student who ). As they get older, they may hide their giftedness to fit in, and as long as they are not disruptive, may be ignored. Their subpar achievement may not be recognized because they can often coast through school and receive adequate grades without exerting much effort.

Researchers also have struggled to agree upon a clear definition of gifted underachievement. Difficulties include the differences across studies in terms of definitions of both giftedness and achievement. The criteria and cut-offs used to identify giftedness or gifted programs have varied, with some studies using a wide range of test scores, and others settling for placement in a gifted class. And defining achievement is even more difficult. Questions arise regarding whether to use achievement tests, grades, teacher ratings, or some other measure of progress, along with whether to assess improvement based upon objective criteria over time, or on the difference between actual achievement and the child's potential. And how do you define potential, anyway?

Despite these theoretical and practical difficulties, researchers have settled upon the following criteria for defining underachievement:

1. A discrepancy between ability and achievement
2. Must have persisted for at least a year
3. Not due to a physical, mental or learning disability

This very basic criteria is only a start and does not convey the complexity and diversity of gifted underachievers. Researchers have offered more detailed information based on investigative studies, theories of gifted underachievement, and classroom or clinical observation (see references below as examples). Based on the literature, a picture of several types of gifted underachievers has emerged.

So, who is the gifted underachiever?

One way to understand different types of gifted underachievers is to consider four categories of underachievement:

1. Involuntary underachievers

These are students who would like to succeed, but are trapped in schools that are underfunded, poorly staffed or unable to meet their needs. Frequently a problem in , these gifted students are often bored, distracted, and may be completely unaware of what might be available through a more comprehensive, enriched education. Many are as gifted or offered gifted education. Some of these students may be hard-working, but never have an opportunity to excel. Others may coast through school, give up, or act out due to boredom. These students' underachievement results from an absence of available options and is not caused by personal, family or peer conflicts.

2. Classic underachiever

These gifted underachievers underperform in all areas of study. They have given up on school... and on themselves. Their underachievement typically starts in , although there may be signs of boredom or depression that manifest in elementary school. They are often angry, apathetic, rebellious, or withdrawn. Given their intellect, they often espouse a host of "logical" reasons for refusing to exert themselves, and resist parents' or teachers' efforts to encourage, prod, or coerce. School faculty may give up in frustration, pointing out the "waste of potential," and worry that they have "lost" these children.

3. Selective Underperformers

These underachievers are active consumers - they choose to excel only in areas that interest them or within classes where they like and respect their teacher. Otherwise, they exert little effort. They view school like a Sunday buffet, where they can select what they want and ignore the rest. Gifted underachievers as "" is a concept first identified by Jim Delisle, and describes the very independent path these students take. While involvement in what they enjoy still creates some challenge, their refusal to achieve in other classes limits their academic development and sets an unhealthy precedent for future learning. It also may affect their grades and opportunities for college or career.

4. Underachievers under-the-radar

Gifted "" are frequently overlooked, and sometimes even mistaken for high achievers. These are the exceptionally gifted students who coast through school, often receiving average to high average grades, but who fail to reach their potential. Given their performance, their lack of effort often goes unrecognized and they are rarely encouraged to challenge themselves. Consequently, they may never learn how to take on academic risks, experience and learn from failure, or develop resilience. These life lessons often occur much later - in college or at work - where they may feel blindsided because of lack of preparation.

Recognizing the different ways gifted underachievers may present their difficulties is a first step toward understanding them and finding an appropriate intervention. Certainly, prevention is ideal whenever possible. Although some situations may not be avoidable, such as a family crisis or an innate tendency toward depression, many precursors could be remedied, particularly when they involve changes within the schools. Early identification of giftedness, providing gifted services, and allowing these students to accelerate or study along with other gifted peers is a first step toward providing the stimulating, creative and engaging education they need.

This blog post is Part One of a three-part series on Gifted Underachievers.  and Part Three will cover interventions. Stay tuned!

References:

Baker, J., Bridger, R., & Evans, K. (1998). Models of underachievement among   gifted preadolescents: The role of personal, family, and school factors. Gifted Child Quarterly, 42, 5-15.

Clasen, D., & Clasen, R. (1995). Underachievement of highly able students and   the peer society. Gifted and Talented International, 10, 67-76.
Delisle, J. & Galbraith, J. (2002). When gifted kids don't have all the answers: How to meet their social and emotional needs. Minneapolis, MN: Free Spirit Publishing.

Emerick, L. (1992). Academic underachievement among the gifted: Students’ perceptions of factors that reverse the pattern. Gifted Child Quarterly, 36,140-     146.

McCall R., Evahn, C., & Kratzer, L. (1992). High school underachievers: What do they achieve as adults?  Newbury Park, CA: Sage.

McCoach, D. & Siegle, D. (2001). Why try? Factors that differentiate underachieving gifted students from high achieving gifted students. Office of Educational Research and Improvement: Washington, DC. Retrieved from  .

Olszewski-Kubilius, P. & Clarenbach, J. (2012). Unlocking Emergent Talent: Supporting High Achievement of Low-Income, High-Ability Students. National Association for Gifted Children: Washington, DC.

Peterson, J. (2000). A follow-up study of one group of achievers and underachievers four years after high school graduation. Roeper Review, 22, 217-224.

Reis, S. & McCoach, D. (2000). The underachievement of gifted students: What do we know and where do we go? Gifted Child Quarterly, 44, 152-170. 

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Other Achievement. To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:
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The Story of Home: Creating Family Culture

Home is the place where we first receive and practice love. It’s our first view of relationships. It’s the place where we (hopefully) experience acceptance, compassion, affirmation, and solace. Home is where we are shaped by the words and actions of those around us and by the atmosphere, the traditions, the routines, and the day-to-day experiences that we are provided.

All stories begin at home, and for us parents, we have an incredible opportunity because each and every day, we are writing the beginning of our children’s stories.

The question is, then, what story are we telling?
This is a broad topic which I cover in depth in my forthcoming book, . Here, I will outline the 7 pillars of family culture mentioned in the book. Intentional, positive parents must create a plan and set themselves to the mission of crafting a beautiful beginning.

Without putting thought into the family culture we want to create, we will fall into a default culture created haphazardly over time.

7 Pillars of Family Culture:

Pillar #1: Values
Deciding what values you want to pass on to your children is a great starting point for creating your family culture because those values will determine your own behavior and the expectations you hold for yourself as well as the children. Values are predominantly learned through the example you provide.

In my , I say this: “It’s counterproductive to say respect is a family value if disrespect is often shown in the home. These values should be upheld so that they become simply a way of being and relating.”

Pillar #2: Dispositions
Disposition is defined as the quality of your mind and character. Your disposition must be brought under control to reflect your values and to create a positive home atmosphere. Allowing yourself to be very moody, easily shaken or angered, critical, or negative will have a poor effect on your family culture.

Bringing the quality of your mind and character in line with the culture you want to establish is easier said than done, but it is key. And while striving for excellence is good, we will never be perfect people living in a perfect family. Therefore, it’s important to learn to respect each other’s differences and quirks so that we can live in harmony.

Pillar #3: Expectations
Norman Vincent Peale said, “We tend to get what we expect.” I’ve found this to be quite true. If I expect to have a difficult, rushed day, I will have one. If I expect my children to get on my nerves, they will. Expectations are important because they color the way we view people, things, and situations. What you expect from your partner sets an example for what your children should expect of theirs one day. What you expect of yourself (whether too much or too little) is also being catalogued in your children’s minds.

Going further, what you expect from society, politicians, servers, police, etc. is being learned. What you expect in regard to lack or abundance, hardship or blessing, good luck or bad is being passed right down to your children, as are your partner’s. It’s easy to see how all these expectations play a part in shaping the family culture.

Pillar #4: Habits
Like our values and expectations, children pick up our habits, whether good or bad. Therefore, it is wise to drop any habit you don’t want your child to pick up. We must drop the “do as I say, not as I do” nonsense and realize that it is our example that speaks the loudest. Also, of course, some habits are just detrimental to the family and must be confronted before they cause lasting harm.

Pillar #5: Communication
Positive communication skills build positive bonds. I’ve written about communicating positively with children . To summarize, this includes active listening (listening for the purpose of understanding, not just waiting your turn to get your point across), using respectful language and tone, empathizing with the speaker, being direct and assertive, and avoiding criticism and harsh words.

Pillar #6: Conflict Resolution
Even in the most connected families, conflict sometimes arises. Though this is really part of positive communication, it is so vital that it deserves its own discussion. This involves emotional intelligence and peaceful ways to talk the issue through and reach an agreement. This is a skill that takes a lot of time and practice to master and should be modeled in the home by the adults as well.

Pillar #7: Traditions
Traditions and rituals help every member of the family feel like they are part of something bigger than themselves. They solidify the family unit. I’ve written about the benefits of family traditions in .

has shown that family culture may play a more important role in shaping children than parenting style, and the type of culture a family creates strongly predicts happiness. This is the story of your home. Write it with vision.

**This article was originally published at . See more of my Creative Child articles .

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Beyond Behavior: Looking at the Heart of a Child

All three faces on his behavior chart were flipped to the sad face side. Again. That meant he had to go to time-out. Again. It didn’t take much to get a card flipped on the chart, which I thought was a simple and brilliant concept. From a sheet of construction paper labeled 'Behavior Chart' hung 3 cards, each with a happy face on one side and a sad face on the other.

My children started each day with 3 happy faces. Everything I deemed a misbehavior, from fighting with brother to not obeying my rules and commands, meant a card got flipped over. Three sad faces resulted in a time-out – three minutes to sit in a little chair in the hallway alone to “think about what he’d done.” At the time, it felt like a fair system of discipline, which I was assured needed to be completely consistent lest my children should get the idea that I could be manipulated.

Yet, every day was the same thing. Faces got flipped regularly as my immature children failed to spontaneously grow their brains upon my command. Time-out was enforced consistently, but no improvement in behavior resulted. I only saw more defiance. Frustrated and disconnected from my sweet little ones, I decided this story had to change.

It took a lot of research and heart searching to change my views on behavior, but what I finally came to believe was that discipline wasn’t about flipping sad faces on cards but about flipping sad faces on people. Discipline is reaching and teaching the heart.

Behavior is an outward reflection of the inner state and so poor behavior is a signal to me that my child is in need of help to restore his inner state to peace (or he needs to be taught specific skills). Defiance, though, is a heart issue and can only be resolved by restoring heart-to-heart connection.

The way our society views children doesn’t make this shift easy. For a couple of years, I bought into the wild accusations that my child would try to walk all over me, run my home, and become a nightmare if I didn’t put my iron fist down right away. I believed that discipline must be calculated, swift, and consistent. Although I considered myself “positive” because I didn’t use physical discipline, the goal was still to control behavior, albeit as nicely as I could.

Making the shift from control to reaching and teaching the heart meant I had to let go of my predetermined system and look at each child and each situation uniquely. Although there is no formula, I have found the following gifts of understanding to be helpful when looking beyond behavior to what my child’s heart is saying.

1. Understand brain development.
I wrote an article about the Knowing some basic information about which parts of my child’s brain were developed at birth and which parts would take years to develop helped me understand his behavior. When I realized that the area of his brain responsible for logic and reasoning wasn’t well developed at age 3, I finally understood why it was so difficult for him to foresee the consequences of his actions.

This didn’t mean that I waved off his behavior as something he couldn’t control but rather shifted my focus to helping him access his logic and reason more (which he couldn’t do when he felt threatened in time-out).

2. Understand the power of
The more connected we are – the more our children feel safe, valued, and loved – the more influence we have. , and only cause disconnection, making it much more difficult to have influence. Connecting even when

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Turning Toward Our Children: Answering Bids for Connection

World-renowned relationship researcher and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman, has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of people. From his research has emerged a practice that is important to the emotional connection between two people – the act of “turning toward” your loved one when a bid is made. What is a bid?

According to Gottman, a bid is an attempt to get attention, affection, or acceptance. It is a bid for emotional connection.  “Will you play with me?” is an obvious bid, but not all bids are so clear. Therefore, it is good to familiarize ourselves with what bids are and to be mindful, being on the lookout for what our children say or do that may be a bid for connection. How we respond to these bids has a great impact on the connectedness we share with our loved ones. There are 3 responses to bids: positive (turning toward), negative (turning away), and no response (turning away).

Take for example a simple bid for attention. “Will you play with me?” A positive response would either be “Yes, let’s play” or something like “Oh, I would LOVE to play with you. You are my favorite person in the whole world to play with. At 6:00, I’ll be finished with my work and ready to play. Let’s make it a date!” This helps the child feel acknowledged and important. Each time you turn toward your child in this way, Gottman says you are making a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account.

A negative response would be “Can’t you see I’m busy?” or a flat “Not now.” Too many negative responses significantly damage the relationship.

No response might be a scowl and a waving away of the hand or completely ignoring that the child even spoke, which may be the most painful response of all.

Bids are offered both verbally and nonverbally, and it isn’t always easy to discern that a bid is being made, which is why being aware and positively responsive is key in building emotional connection. A toddler who holds his arms up to be picked up is making a bid for attention or affection. Poor behavior may also be a bid. How should we respond if a child makes a bid in a negative way, such as through misbehavior or a tantrum?

Conventional parenting wisdom says to respond negatively so as not to reinforce the poor behavior or tantrum, but children are often doing the best they can in that moment to get their needs met. No matter if the bid comes in the form of a sweet “mommy or daddy, let’s play” or a screaming tantrum, the message is exactly the same. “Notice me. Show me I matter.”

By giving a positive, loving response to the bid no matter what form it comes in, we fill our child’s emotional bank account and build connection. A child with a full bank is less likely to make bids in negative ways.

Here are some ways to “turn toward” your children when a bid is made:

• Be attentive when they’re speaking to you. When we are too busy to look up and pay attention, we miss an important chance for connection.
• Be intentional about putting away distractions and focusing on your loved ones as often as possible. 
• Be concerned about what they are concerned with. Even if what they are concerned about seems trivial, showing that you are concerned because they are builds the relationship. 
• Convey the message “you are known and accepted” as much as you can. Avoid criticism and these
• Say “yes” to play. We have lots of other things to do, but nothing more important. 
• Greet with enthusiasm. In the morning, after school, or after any extended separation, greet your children with warmth and a smile. Showing our children that we delight in them is a very simple but powerful connection builder.

It isn’t possible to always give positive responses to bids, and that’s okay. The intention is to try, and when we fail, we can always come back to repair by making our own bids to them. As with all relationships, it’s about the quality of connection, not the presence of perfection.

**This article was originally published at . See more of my articles for .

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Two Words to Soothe a Child's Heart

I had just gotten out of the shower and dressed when a knock came on the bathroom door.
"Yeah?" I answered.

"Mom, can I come in?"

"Just a minute" I said.

"It's really important."

I opened the door to the worried face of my 9 year old boy. He looked to be holding back tears.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Mom, have I been a bit rude to you today?" he asked, tears welling up in his eyes now.

Confused by this, which I'm sure was evident in my facial expression, I said, "No, baby. You haven't."

He said, "Oh, OK. Good" and turned to walk away, but his face still had that worried look and I could tell he wasn't yet content.

I'm not sure where he had gotten the idea that he'd been rude that day. We'd had a small struggle with multiplication tables earlier in our homeschool in which he'd let me know he most certainly didn't want to memorize them. It hadn't been a big deal to me, and he hadn't been rude. He was irritated over math, and I can certainly relate to that feeling. Yet, apparently it was weighing heavily on the heart of this gentle-natured, soft-hearted, highly sensitive boy of mine.

"Hey," I called to him. He turned back toward me, eyes cast down. I lifted his face with my hands and said, "Hey. We're good." And the tears overflowed his eyes with my two simple words, and I held him in my arms until they ran dry.

Two simple words, "we're good," had released the ball of worry and tension inside him and soothed his heart.


Our relationship is still strong.
I still love you forever.
I still like being with you.
You're still welcome in my arms.
Nothing can separate you from my love.
You're good. I'm good. We're good.


I'm glad he was able to speak to me about the worry of his heart, and yet I wondered how many times there had been that he hadn't spoken it out. I wondered how often this tender boy had kept that ball of worry to himself, wondering if he'd gone too far. Wondering if he was still loved just as much. Wondering if he'd hurt me, or his dad, or his brother. Worrying. I was able to soothe him because he'd shared his thoughts with me, but how could I soothe his heart when he didn't say it was troubled?

I believe one of the greatest things we can do for our children is to offer a repair and reconciliation after any disturbance in the relationship, no matter how small or trivial it may seem. What hadn't been an issue for me had weighed heavily on my child, bringing him to tears.

What you didn't think was a big deal may have bruised a heart.
What you didn't see as an issue may be weighing heavily on a loved one.
What you think is just another conflict, just another argument, just another harsh word spoken may leave your child wondering "Are we okay? Am I still loved as much? Does she still like me? Does he still want me around?"

"Are we good?"

Our connection matters. Our children feel it. They need it. They need to know that, no matter what transpired today, no matter what was said, no matter what was spilled or knocked over or broken or uttered, we are good.

I'm not counting your mistakes or flaws.
I keep no record of wrongs.
Nothing can make me love you less.
I will always love you.
I will always want you.
My arms are always open to you.
You are safe with me.
We're good. Always, we're good.

We mean so much to our children. Our love and acceptance is their lifeline. Make sure the sun never goes down with a worry of connection on your child's heart. After every struggle, tell them "we're still okay." After every correction, let them know, "I still like you." After each argument, every harsh tone, every piercing scowl, each display of irritation, let them know, "Hey, we're not perfect, but my love for you is."

"My love for you is perfect and strong and can never diminish. I like you. I adore you. I'm so glad you're mine. So very thankful that you are mine."

Release the worry and tension that may be bound up and allow them to rest in your love. Always.

"We're good." Yes, we are.

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