Your child is gifted: A parent's reaction

“Your child is gifted.”  Those words validate, inform, confirm, enlighten, challenge, frighten, and confuse. They engender pride, excitement, relief, fear, and guilt. The testing typically used to verify gifted abilities not only identifies a child’s intellectual strengths; it also sets in motion a chain of reactions from parents.

If the label of “gifted” is merely a descriptor, a measure of high aptitude at least two standard deviations above a statistical norm, why should it create so much emotional upheaval for parents when their child is identified? At first glance, it would appear to be a positive event, a confirmation that one’s child possesses higher than average skills, abilities, or talents. And while this is valid, there are complicating factors that go along with the label.  

Some of the reactions parents may experience when their gifted child is first identified include:

• Relief – After years of suspecting their child was gifted, it is a welcome relief to finally obtain supporting data that confirms what they already knew in their hearts. Parents may have doubted their observations, questioned whether they were exaggerating, and pursued friends, family and medical professionals to help them reckon with their child's precocious behaviors. When testing confirms their perceptions and provides a framework for understanding their child, they can feel more informed and empowered as parents. It not only validates what they have already suspected, it provides an explanation for additional characteristics that frequently correspond with giftedness (such as asynchronous development or overexcitabilities).

• Excitement – Many parents experience an initial burst of elation after learning that their child is gifted. They may take pride in their child’s creativity, talent and intellect, feel overjoyed about the range of possibilities available to him or her, and perhaps, feel in awe of certain unique skills. If the child is their own biological offspring, their reactions may range from immodest pride (“he’s got my math skills”) to bewilderment (“how did I end up with such a talented child?”).  Most feel blessed that their gifted child has the potential to accomplish what he or she may want, and the good fortune that some things, at least, will come easily to him or her.

• Confusion and Fear - Some parents may feel overwhelmed by their gifted child’s needs. They have difficulty grasping how their child’s learning style impacts his or her academic performance, social interactions and behavior within the family. They may hold high expectations for their child and demand perfection, or, conversely, minimize the significance of the child’s abilities and fail to advocate for a meaningful, appropriate education. Some may feel threatened by their child’s autonomy, drive, and emotional intensity, along with a . Others may worry that their child will be ostracized for appearing different, and will be unpopular, or seen as unattractive. Parents of profoundly gifted children, in particular, often feel overwhelmed sorting out how to best meet the child’s social and educational needs.

• Guilt – Predictably, guilt tends to haunt many parents of gifted children. They question whether they have done enough to foster their child’s abilities, if they made the right choices about schools and outside activities, and if they have advocated enough for what their child needs. They deliberate over when to push for additional services in schools, or whether to allow their child to muddle through the school system like everyone else. They question whether advocacy helps their child get what he or she needs, if it fosters a sense of entitlement or isolation from peers, or whether it can backfire and cause resentment among teachers and administrators. At times, they may to avoid the appearance of bragging, but then feel guilty about minimizing their child’s talents.

Ultimately, most parents learn to appreciate their child’s “gifts.” Gaining a greater understanding of the social and intellectual needs of gifted children and adolescents is critical. Some websites, such as or , provide a wealth of information and references for useful books and articles.

Just as important, though, is for parents to understand their own complex, strong, and at times, ambivalent reactions to their child’s unique needs. Speaking openly with a trusted friend or family member can be a start. Sometimes it can be helpful to speak with a school psychologist or teacher who works with gifted children. Finding a group of parents who share similar concerns can be an enormous support, can provide an opportunity for honest communication about the struggles and successes one’s child experiences, and may be a resource for suggestions regarding outside learning opportunities, ideas for advocacy, and more information about gifted education. If doubts and fears persist, speaking with a therapist who is knowledgeable in this area can provide understanding and perspective. All of this lays the groundwork for helping your gifted child pursue a stimulating, challenging, and creative education.

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Book Review: Learning in the 21st Century: How to Connect, Collaborate, and Create By Ben Curran and Neil Wetherbee

This book, the latest in the Perspectives In Gifted Homeschooling Series from GHF Press, may be intended for homeschoolers … but don’t let that stop you from buying it if you’re not a homeschooler! All the books in this series are excellent resources for parents of gifted children, and this latest one is no exception. It is easy to read, easy to understand and a book that will have tattered edges before long … unless you buy the ebook version. Then, you’ll just have a low-battery issue facing you.

As the title indicates, the book is divided into three sections: Connect, Collaborate and Create with the latter divided into Creation Tools and Ready-Made Projects. All are superb intros into the world of using technology in education.

Had I written this review a few weeks earlier, I would not have to take a short intermission to inform you that Google announced a few days ago that it was pulling the plug on Google Reader … one of the first tools reviewed in the book. It is no reflection on the authors … many in the online technology community are in a tizzy over this development as there are no viable alternatives available to aggregate news sites and blogs. An editorial in the New York times found places blame squarely on the shoulders of Google itself.

That’s okay though; the other tools ~ Google Drive, Blogger, Twitter, Diigo, Edmodo … to name a few ~ are all still intact. It’s like a one-stop shop for ‘how-to’ lessons on all things tech. Even after many years of utilizing tech tools, I found myself pouring over the instructions in this book and learning something new in every section. I really, really like this book. Ben and Neil know what they are talking about and have a way of explaining it all in layman’s terms.

When parents think about education, it seems only natural that we tend to think back to our own days in school. Big, big, big mistake. School isn't what it used to be. If you want your gifted kids to soar, you need to be prepared to assist in lift-off! Learning in the 21^st Century helps you to find and use the tools you need to help guide your children to new heights. It may just earn you a little respect as well in their eyes! Too many parents shrug off their responsibility when it comes to educating their children. It takes a village to raise a child, and in the case of gifted children; it takes a metropolis!

One of my most favorite parts of the book is the Ready-Made Projects section. You can read all the ‘how to’ books you like, but the authors make it easy by giving you several projects to get you started. Once you try out a few of these and tweak them for your own use … you’ll be hooked!

Here’s an added bonus … this book will help you out personally as you begin your foray into the world of online technology and social media. Along with guiding your child, you’ll pick up some great tips as well. You’ll learn how to connect and collaborate with other parents of gifted children in ways you never dreamed of. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself in the middle of a great community of folks who will become your support system. Feelings of being alone will be a distant memory as you find blogs to read and Twitter accounts to follow; all while helping your child to learn about the many different types of technology available online.21st cent

From the authors ~ “…when it comes to technology and education, be the type of learner you want your children to be—a learner that is dedicated, motivated, not afraid to try new things, and one who recognizes the immense value of learning from mistakes.” I couldn't agree more. To learn more, check out the book on . You’ll be glad you did!

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Giftedness and Non-conformity

“I know I’m never going to fit in,” he remarked casually. “And, you know, I’m actually OK with that.” Many gifted adolescents and adults have recognized from an early age that they differed from their peers. Their intellectual skills, ability to easily grasp complex information, rapid pace of learning, emotional intensity and preoccupation with fairness and justice, to name a few, may create a barrier in relationships. But some gifted individuals have been able to accept their differences without embarrassment or succumbing to pressure to conform. They actually embrace their unique qualities, are unapologetically non-conformist, and cannot imagine joining the crowd just to .

When describing gifted adolescents and adults, conformity is rarely a term that comes to mind. Compliments might include “quirky and independent,” “one of a kind,” or “brilliant and unique.”  Less endearing comments are also frequently expressed. “Encouraging him to fit in is like forcing a square peg into a round hole.” "Getting this class of gifted students to cooperate is like trying to herd cats.” The outside world looks on with curiosity and occasional frustration, often questioning how “someone so smart could be so stubborn.” But this non-conformist stance is not typically borne out of resentment or a desire for conflict. Rather, it develops in response to a combination of characteristics most gifted individuals share, including:

1. A drive toward fairness and justice - Gifted children abhor in any form, stand up to bullies, question unfair rules, and challenge undeserved authority. Some gifted individuals would rather fail a class, lose a job, or get knocked down in a fight than compromise their values. Although championing the underdog may be admirable at times, it can certainly irritate teachers, bosses, and other authority figures who don’t appreciate having their rules challenged or their weaknesses exposed. 

2. High expectations for self and others – While some gifted individuals may be underachievers, most maintain high expectations for themselves, sometimes manifest as perfectionism. Along with this, they expect others to hold these same high standards. When they encounter unethical behavior, suboptimal performance, or inadequacies that can be corrected, they find it almost impossible to maintain respect or comply with what is expected of them.

3. Creative and inquisitive – Gifted individuals thrive on learning, engaging in creative pursuits, exploring new ideas, developing new concepts and inventions, and seeking the meaning of life. They shun rote learning, routine explanations, and simplistic ideas. Slowly paced instruction and boring, routine activities are torture for them. They challenge traditional explanations and concepts, and find new, inventive approaches to solve problems. While innovative and ground-breaking discoveries develop as a result of such creativity, bold challenges to the status quot can ruffle feathers and fuel conflict.

4. Greater sensitivity – Many gifted individuals possess heightened emotional sensitivities that result in stronger reactions to events and greater empathy for others. They are often strong-willed and strive for autonomy. These emotional characteristics, coupled with the likelihood that they have felt out of sync with their peers throughout much of their academic career, all contribute to the development of a non-conformist style. 

Gifted individuals of all ages have to grapple with the implications of their non-conformity on a regular basis. Unique, different and quirky, gifted individuals’ behaviors can be confusing, off-putting, exhilarating, a welcome relief from the norm, a target for bullying, or a model to be emulated. They may be viewed as opinionated and controversial, and may be misunderstood, envied, or perceived as a threat by those around them.  Gifted individuals benefit from learning how and when to best assert their views so that they can have the greatest impact, create the outcome they desire, and form healthy and meaningful relationships. Learning to harness their creative energy and non-conformist spirit with patience and compromise may help them to reach their goals.

Most important, though, is self-acceptance. When you already know you are different, it is healthier to embrace the positive aspects of this fact, than to bemoan it and wish you could be someone else. Gifted individuals can express their unique talents and maintain healthy relationships when they learn to accept and appreciate their differences.

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Book Review: Hacking Your Education by Dale J. Stephens

“This is not a book about dropping out, but rather about becoming empowered

to make your own decisions… If you’re looking for an easy solution, shortcut,

or way to work less, this book is not for you. Hacking your education requires

tons of hard work and determination.”

From the Introduction

Dale J. Stephens has had an extraordinary life … thus far. At 21 years old, it may seem like a long time if you are 16 or 17 and find the title of this book appealing; but, trust me … it is a brief period in the grand scheme of life. Although I think the author has many good ideas, I don’t think they are very plausible for most 18 years that I know. And I do know a lot of 18 year olds.

The unwritten parts of this book were what intrigued me most. Mr. Stephens posits that, like himself, anyone can accomplish anything they set their mind to with enough grit and determination. I beg to differ. I would contend that he had above-average intelligence and an upper middle-class support system that afforded him many advantages unavailable to the majority of teens {a fact he barely recognizes or acknowledges}.

As I read through the editors copy of his manuscript {full disclosure – I did not buy this book, nor did I receive a copy in exchange for this review}, I kept asking myself, “who was the intended audience?” For the most part … it seemed to be young, white males with backgrounds similar to the author. That certainly leaves a whole lot of people on the sidelines. Others may buy this book, but I don’t think they’ll find what they are hoping for.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s a well-written book. I actually think it has some good advice for young people unsure of what direction they are headed in life. I’m a firm supporter of taking a year off after completing high school – I just think it’s wise to finish high school.

I did, however, feel like many of the ‘hacks’ advocated therein were … to say the least … unethical. I cringed when I read about sneaking into college classes for which you weren't registered or lying your way into conferences for which you hadn't paid. I think that is simply cheating the system, not hacking it.

Perhaps my 21 year old daughter, whom I asked to read the text and who just graduated from college, enlightened my perspective.  She made several salient points. For example, after reading about traveling the world by staying with people you've never met; her comment was, “As a young female, I’m supposed to feel comfortable couch surfing as a way to stay in countries I've never been to? Give me a break!” Also, “This guy never had to worry about things like having a reliable Internet connection so that he could do all his research and keep in touch with anyone.” Regarding becoming an entrepreneur, she said, “I spend enough time working with people in that circle to know that for every good idea that gets funding, a hundred more either don’t come to fruition or crash and burn.”

So my advice would be that if you decide to buy the book, read it with a grain of salt … 

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Best Practices in Gifted Parenting

One of the reasons I started this blog was I felt it important that the gifted community ~ beyond educators, academics, professional advocates ~ understand what it is like to parent a gifted child in the ‘outside’ world. A vast majority of us join the gifted community by proxy. Until our children become self-advocates, we are responsible for their care & feeding AND for doing everything we can to see they reach that esoteric state of ‘full potential’.

I read a lot these days. I read mainly about gifted issues. Sometimes I think I finish reading articles in my sleep or at least it seems that way when I awake in the morning. I’m not always pleased about what I read. Blogs written by educators do not reflect my experiences with gifted education. Too often, their reflections bear little resemblance to the real-world stories I heard from my kids when they came home from school and I asked them “how was your day”.

When you do a Google search on ‘gifted education’ … something many first-time parents do when their child is identified gifted or they suspect giftedness long before the first day of school … you can add date parameters. But frankly … it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. You see … more often than anyone will admit … you could read an article online from 1991 or 2000 or 2006 or last month and you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. It’s just the same old same old.

Nature or nurture. Equity or equality. Lack of adequate identification procedures. Myths, myths and more myths repeated because there is no effective governmental policy regarding gifted education … anywhere. Blah… blah … blah. What’s a parent to do? I can tell you from personal experience that whatever you decide to do … there will always be an ‘expert’ somewhere down the road telling you that you did it all wrong!

You could read a book. Do you have time to sit down and read a book? I never did when my own children were younger. Heck … I hardly have time now. You should see the shelves of my Kindle … thankfully it’s in the Cloud so I don’t have to look at it every waking minute! You could join a gifted parent group. They really are a great source of information and camaraderie.  Of course, as soon as the first meeting is over, they’ll be asking for volunteers. I know … I started a parent group and was the one asking for help all.the.time.

So … here’s my suggestions for ‘best practices’ when it comes to parenting a gifted child – search for blogs written by parents and occasionally by an expert; join a parent group but strongly suggest they consider utilizing social media and the Internet to communicate (this will reduce the need for monthly meetings); figure out how to tweet and join a Twitter chat for an hour a week from the privacy of your home (disclaimer: I moderate #gtchat on Twitter and am a strong advocate for the benefits they offer); and attend a state or national conference at least once while your kids are young (it will change your life and give you that ‘I am not alone’ glow long after it’s over).

And here’s the very best advice of all … your children are who they are because of who you are! That’s right. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They have been identified gifted and you probably are, too; even if you weren't officially identified. They’re emotional and irreverent and difficult to get along with at times. And if you’re willing to admit it … you are, too. Parenting gifted children is not easy and you are guaranteed to make mistakes; but take time to find joy in every day. And … share that joy with your child. They will never forget those moments and isn't that what it’s all about … making memories to last a lifetime?

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