Holiday stress: What parents of gifted children need to know

What is it about the holidays that often creates more stress than good cheer? How many of us feel ambushed by glittering store displays, Hallmark images of family perfection, and holiday sound tracks piped into every building? Amid this season of stress, is it possible to not just survive, but actually enjoy the holidays?

Many families face these questions as the season's demands increase. Ads build upon fantasies of holiday joy, reunion with families separated by physical distance or personal differences, and the creation of lasting memories. It seems like everyone is having a blast at holiday parties and bonding with their families in front of a crackling fire.


The reality is that , family conflicts, tight budgets, and unreasonable expectations are rarely acknowledged in these picture-perfect scenarios. Most families are imperfect, and reuniting during the holidays can be a sad reminder that hopes for love, harmony and connection may never be met. Many people stretch their budget, but even more, hold onto desires for family perfection that cannot be achieved. Disappointment, resentment and sadness can result.

Holiday stress for families of gifted children

Parents of gifted children face some unique stressors during the holidays. The combination of gifted children's often heightened sensitivities along with the burden of explaining their differences to those unfamiliar with giftedness can result in additional stress. Some examples include the following:

• Young gifted children with and heightened sensitivities may have difficulty tolerating long trips, extended family visits, or religious services. Curious, intense, gifted children are a joy, but also may not be the most easy-going or flexible travelers. This can result in periods of overactivity, withdrawal and tears, or even meltdowns. Older children may not feel accepted by extended family who view the world differently. Or they may refuse to go along with religious observances that differ from their beliefs.  

• Along with the difficulty gifted children sometimes have blending into family gatherings, parents are often asked to explain their children's behavior to curious and sometimes highly critical relatives. In addition to trying to calm and manage their children, parents have to about giftedness and assume an role at a time when they just want to relax.

• Gift-giving can be complicated. Age-appropriate presents are often a poor fit for children, whose intellect may be well beyond their years, but whose emotional maturity is much younger. This can be particularly problematic when selecting books or video games, where the material may be too mature for their developmental age.

• Gifted children tend to question everything. They may criticize your menu selection for holiday dinners, rearrange decorations on the Christmas tree, and challenge family traditions. They also may raise more profound questions about religion, relationships and life's meaning. The holidays can evoke powerful reactions in gifted children as they struggle with their own spirituality or  concerns. 

How can you help your gifted child - and yourself - during the holidays?

1. Ask for help. Don't assume that you are solely responsible for organizing, cooking, shopping, planning travel, and completing every holiday task. Ask for support and delegate whenever possible. You might enlist help with anything from additional childcare and household chores, to advice about toy selection. If you are visiting with extended family, informing them about what you need before you visit can minimize potential problems. 

2. Set limits. Say no to requests from family or friends that would add to your stress. Set priorities and decline invitations that you know will create an additional burden. Set limits with your child also. Unstructured time during the holidays can result in more opportunities for an anxious child to ruminate about existential concerns, or might require your participation in time-consuming activities when there is just no time available. Say no to extra demands and find structured activities to keep your child engaged.

3. Avoid situations that create distress. This might seem obvious; steer clear of potentially upsetting, traumatic or conflict-filled situations. It may not always be possible, though, especially when some family events or obligations are unavoidable. But distinguish between mildly unpleasant, dutiful commitments and sacrificing the well-being of your family and yourself. If participation in any family, religious, or social event would be highly stressful or emotionally painful for you or your family, avoid the situation. For example, protect gifted children from extended time with cousins or other children who might  them.  

4. Be realistic. Watch your expectations, and don't assume that extended family are going to "get it" about your gifted child. If you know what contributes to meltdowns, avoid those situations. Don't force the issue: don't insist on activities when your young child needs a nap, don't demand that your idealistic, teen spend long hours with a bigoted relative, don't drag your child from one boring activity to another. In other words, don't invite trouble.

5. Focus on what is meaningful. Choose activities that will enrich and enhance your child's interests and correspond with your family's values. If your child has a strong sense of , you both might volunteer at a charity that matters to your family. If your child loves the arts, there are often a range of arts-based activities to sample, from ballet to new film releases to trying your hand at creative baking. If your child is seeking spiritual enlightenment, there is no better time to search for guidance. And don't forget to find plenty of time to have fun with your child.

6. Take time for yourself. It's not only about your kids. Make room for what you enjoy, spend time with people you love, and seek out what is spiritually meaningful to you. Discard old, meaningless traditions and unnecessary routine tasks that are performed only because they have persisted over time. Develop your own vision of the holidays - not necessarily that of the media's or your family of origin. Take care of yourself and make time for sleep, good nutrition and exercise. Pace yourself, delegate tasks when you can, and communicate what you need to others.

7. Keep it all in perspective. Manage your expectations and fantasies about the holidays. Most people don't have a "Hallmark holiday" and most families are imperfect. Notice when  or unrealistic wishes and beliefs start to color your vision. Learning to accept and appreciate what you do have can be a lesson in joy and gratitude.

Wishing you a stress-free holiday!

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Surviving the Holidays with a house full of Gifted! To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:

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Underachievers under-the-radar: How seemingly successful gifted students fall short of their potential

Research has shown that many gifted children are who fail to reach their potential. Some mask their abilities so they can fit in with peers, some stop caring and receive barely passing grades, and some drop out altogether. Academic achievement becomes meaningless and their intrinsic love of learning seems to vanish. These conspicuous underachievers often capture the schools' attention because their disengagement is so apparent.

There are other underachieving gifted students, though, who remain hidden; their struggles detected by only the most astute observers. On the surface, these kids seem to be model students, with good grades and stellar test scores creating an appearance of hard work, motivation and drive. Their failure to reach their potential, though, remains unnoticed, well beneath the school's radar.

These underachieving students have mastered the ability to easily coast through school and still achieve good grades and test scores. They finish their work quickly, and distract themselves with reading, texting, doodling, or daydreaming. They might seem cooperative, but in reality, they rebel by taking shortcuts and performing well beneath their potential. Having lost faith in an educational system that appears dull and lifeless, they have learned to entertain themselves and exert just enough effort to just get by in school. They don't know their limits, they don't know how to fail, and they don't care to push themselves any more.

Gifted underachievers under-the-radar take shortcuts and certain risks, but none that ultimately help them succeed or reach their potential. Their decisions reflect passive rebellion, risk aversion, conflict avoidance, or attempts to entertain themselves. For example, they may:

• take "easier" classes to avoid homework that would require much effort

• avoid competitive activities, such as the debate team or math contests, to evade potentially envious or angry reactions from peers

• refuse to try anything that might lead to  or rejection, such as auditioning for the lead in the school play.

• until the last minute to see how quickly they can write a paper before the deadline. 

• refuse to  their musical instrument before band auditions, to see if they still make first chair, despite sight reading the music. 

• take pride in only reading SparkNotes and still getting A's in their AP English class. 

• avoid participating in the science fair because the project would require too much extra work

• refuse to for the SAT's, claiming they only want a "pure" score to reflect their abilities.

The long, slow road to underachievement

Gifted underachievers typically embark upon school just like most gifted children - eager to learn and excited to stretch themselves and take on new challenges. Disappointment gradually sets in - sometimes soon, sometimes later - but always in reaction to boredom and repetition. Gifted children get used to breezing through most material and occupying themselves while lessons are repeated for other children, They learn to stop asking so many questions to elude ridicule from peers or resentment from their teachers. They also learn that requests for more challenging assignments may evoke a sigh of frustration from an overburdened teacher, or result in busywork or extra homework.

Unlike more extreme gifted underachievers who struggle to attain even average grades, or drop out of school completely, gifted underachievers under-the-radar are not necessarily troubled with  sometimes attributed to underachievers, such as insecurity or perfectionism. And while they may experience pressure to and conform to socio/cultural and gender stereotypes, most of these students are not plagued with emotional or psychological problems. They have become apathetic, complacent, and frustrated in response to an educational environment that has consistently ignored their needs - often for years.

Frustration, apathy and fear

Most gifted underachievers under-the-radar juggle several competing emotions related to their efforts. Frustrated and angry toward a system that labels their learning needs as less important than those of their classmates, they become cynical about what school has to offer them. Some also may feel betrayed by teachers who have , criticized their outside-the-box thinking, or who failed to protect them from .

Apathetic toward schools that have eliminated opportunities such as acceleration or ability grouping, these students may stop caring about their own progress. While they may comply enough to achieve good grades, they rarely push themselves to reach their potential. If no one is going to encourage me, why should I bother?

Without the opportunity to tackle truly demanding academics, gifted underachievers under-the-radar develop a fragile sense of overconfidence. Cynical and critical of teachers and school, they may appear arrogant at times, but this attitude often masks underlying fears. Most realize that they lack the "" (i.e., organizational strategies and study skills) that their classmates have mastered. When learning seems effortless, there is little incentive to apply strategies and skills that appear unnecessary at the time. Unfortunately, these students remain unprepared for more rigorous work when it finally arrives. Many gifted underachievers suspect that their lack of preparation will catch up with them. They worry that they will be exposed as "impostors" once they land in a more demanding learning environment, and may secretly doubt their abilities.

Three tips for helping gifted underachievers

1. Improve their education 

This might seem obvious, as it serves to both prevent and remedy the problem. But given the philosophical and financial constraints present in many school districts, the needs of gifted children are frequently overlooked. Gifted underachievers under-the-radar benefit from learning that incorporates depth, complexity, and an accelerated pace, where they feel free to express their creativity, where they are not embarrassed to be themselves, and where they are grouped with like-minded peers. As have noted, gifted underachievers need to trust the academic environment and expect that they can succeed within it.

2. Enlist their sense of integrity

Gifted children are idealistic, with a highly developed sense of . They care about those who are less fortunate, and struggle with related to life's meaning. Sometimes their idealism results in discomfort with their talents or guilt about having choices that are unavailable to others. While their integrity is admirable, it can unnecessarily limit their options. Encourage them to appreciate that they can better position themselves to help those in need if they apply themselves academically. Help them recognize that ignoring their talents benefits no one.

3. Engage their passions and interests

Remind them that even if school has been a bore, they can direct their energy toward what they most enjoy learning. Whatever intrigued them as young children can be transformed into a variation of the original activity. If they loved Legos, for example, they could pursue robotics or architectural design. If their interests cannot be met at school, help them find extracurricular activities in the community or online. Once they discover a meaningful, engaging activity, they might be willing to challenge themselves, take on a new and difficult skill, or develop some of the self-regulatory strategies that previously seemed unnecessary.

A final note...

If you look carefully, you will find gifted underachievers under-the-radar coasting through schools everywhere. Some may hide behind average to above average grades; others may be stand-outs or even class valedictorians. None of them have tested their limits and they don't recognize the extent of their capabilities. As they get older and enter college, the work force, or , they may "hit a wall." Lacking adequate organizational strategies, fearful of risks, and new to the business of exerting effort, they may struggle with self-doubt, increased apathy, and even feelings of anxiety and shame. It is a disservice for schools to neglect these talented students and assume that grades and test scores are sufficient evidence that they are thriving.

Continued advocacy is needed so that even seemingly "successful" gifted students - those under the radar - are challenged to reach their potential.

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The Ultimate Guide to Tantrums

Photo credit: Creative Child Magazine

Tantrums. They’re one of the most talked about behaviors in the parenting world. They’re even with their kids. No doubt, tantrums give parents a hard time. The truth is, though, that during a tantrum, your child is having a hard time. Tantrums aren’t always a matter of defiance, especially in young children. There’s a logical, scientific, brain-based reason why your child is throwing a fit, and armed with this knowledge, you can handle tantrums more effectively.

As parents, we are usually given these 2 pieces of advice about tantrums.

1. Ignore the child.
2. NEVER give in.

We are told that if we engage with a child in any way during a tantrum, we are basically reinforcing the bad behavior. We believe if we ignore it, the behavior will stop, and because we are led to believe that a tantruming child is a manipulative child, we know we must never, at any cost, give in to their demands.

Unfortunately, this advice has us only looking at the behavior, not at the often-hurting child behind it. It drives us to push away our children rather than bringing them closer and offering comfort in times of need. Tantrums are a strong emotional reaction to a stimulus. When the information coming in trips an alarm and gets sent to our more primitive limbic system rather than our cortex (the higher brain which houses logic and reasoning), a tantrum can result. It actually takes a lot of maturity and self-control to not tantrum, because when that alarm gets tripped, our bodies get flooded with hormones that make us want to fight or run.

Yes, sometimes kids have a tantrum just to get their way. Tina Bryson, PhD calls this an upstairs tantrum. The child is in control (not acting from the lower brain), and pitching a fit to try and get her way. This is embarrassingly similar to our parental tantrums, isn't it? "My kid won't do anything I say until I start screaming!" So, we pitch a fit to get our kid to act. Then, we get really mad when our kid pitches a fit to get us to act.

But the truth is that doesn't mean that you are manipulative or mean or bad. It doesn't mean your kid is either. It simply means that, at that particular moment, both of you are out of resources. You have no idea how to get your need met in that moment other than to tantrum.

In either case, ignoring a child isn’t going to be effective. If it even appears to work, it’s likely she’s just learned to stuff her feelings down and not show them to you, which has no place in a healthy relationship.

The advice to never give in also isn’t helpful. It’s a blanket statement that doesn’t take into account the many different scenarios and personalities in play. If the child wants the blue cup and you bristle, refusing to give the blue cup just so you “don’t give in,” ask yourself if giving the blue cup is really going to ruin your kid. I don’t like the term “pick your battles” but there isn’t much point in making mountains out of molehills. There are enough mountains to climb as is.

So, what’s a parent to do when a child has a tantrum? I’ve asked my parenting expert and educator friends to send me their best tantrum resources, and I’ve compiled them for you in one place, the Ultimate Guide to Tantrums.

For Brain Science:
by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
by Dirt & Boogers
by Nathan McTague

Preventing Tantrums:
by Dirt & Boogers
by TRU Parenting
by Parenting Beyond Punishment

Tips for Handling Tantrums:
By L.R. Knost
by Nicole Schwarz
by Nicole Schwarz
by Creative with Kids
by Not Just Cute
by The (Reformed) Idealist Mom
by Andrea Nair
by Andrea Nair

There’s an App for That!
Who can remember all of that great information in the moment every single time? Now there’s an incredible app! was developed a positive parenting expert and is helpful for more than just tantrums. It’s available for iPhone and Android.

My Tantrum Tips:

I know you don’t have time to read all of those at once, so here are my tips for dealing with tantrums:

1. Never withdraw your love and attention.
You don't have to necessarily give the child more attention, but don't ignore his very existence. That hurts. Acknowledge his distress and empathize with it, even if you have to do it from a distance. Some children want held, some want left alone, all want to feel loved and understood.

2. Teach her to recognize and label emotions.
There are a lot of ways to do this besides just naming them as they happen. There are free printables online, books, and other resources to teach emotional intelligence. Also, help them see and acknowledge what triggers them. "You get really upset when it's time to leave Grandma's. Let's work on ways to help you feel better about that."

3. Teach specific ways to deal with emotions.
My son used to love to pop a balloon when he was angry. He was two years old at the time. All kids (and adults) have different ways of calming themselves. Some like music. Others reading. Still others need to do something physical like clap their hands or rip paper. If they have an appropriate outlet for releasing their frustration, over time they'll learn to seek that outlet first.

4. Don’t punish. Teach.
Talk about whatever caused the tantrum after it's over and talk about ways to improve or handle the situation better. Teaching skills is always more effective than punishment. Just be sure to wait until the tantrum is over because when they’re operating from that lower brain, they aren’t going to take in the lesson.

5. Control yourself.
Tantrums can trigger our own strong emotional reaction. Put your own oxygen mask on first. We can’t teach kids how to do better if we can’t do better ourselves.

6. Give a little grace.
We are all human beings here. That doesn't excuse poor behavior, but if you've ever lost it on your kid, you can empathize with that strong feeling that makes us all behave poorly from time to time. Learn better. Teach them better. Give a little grace when it's needed.

There are loads of articles on the web about tantrums, all with contradicting advice, and many of them will tell you it’s best to ignore the child. It can be difficult to know what you should really do.

A good guiding question: How would you want to be treated?

I encourage you to tune in and listen to what your own heart tells you to do.

**

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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8 Actions to Chase Away the Mama Blues

Photo Credit: Creative Child Magazine

Motherhood is beautiful and joyful. It’s also exhausting and monotonous. Taking care of the ever-present needs of little ones often leaves little time for taking care of our own which can leave us feeling drained, dreary, and down in the dumps. If you’re feeling a little blue, try these tips to turn that frown upside down.

1. Check your focus.
My boys are all about Star Wars lately, and when I heard Qui-Gon Jinn say, “Your focus determines your reality,” I wrote it down. This is not just Jedi wisdom. Mamas need to understand that whatever we direct our thoughts and energy toward will determine what we live each day.
Are you focusing on your child’s flaws or her strengths? Are you paying more attention to his negative behavior or are you seeing his heart? Are you thinking more about the drudgery of every day, or are you looking for ? A simple shift in focus can pull you out of that dump.

2. Start off on the right foot.
If you can rise and shine before the kids get up, good for you! That’s certainly helpful, but it isn’t necessary for a positive start to the day. Whenever and however you wake up, remember L.E.A.P. This stands for lights, exercise, air, and protein. First thing, turn on a lot of lights or open the blinds. Next, get a bit of exercise. Stretch and move around to get your blood pumping and oxygen flowing through.

Also try to get some fresh air. Step outside, look up at the sky, and take a few deep breaths. Hello world! Finally, grab a bit of protein. Your body is ready to convert that into energy for your day, so don’t skip breakfast.

3. Reframe the negatives into positives.
Give thanks for the things that irritate you! “I’m grateful for these dishes. My children have eaten.” “I’m thankful for a hectic morning. We are alive and able to move around.” “I’m grateful for this huge, ginormous Lego pile scattered all across the living room floor, one of which I just stepped on because it means childhood is happening here.”

4. Pump up the jam.
Play upbeat music first thing in the morning while you make breakfast or get dressed. music actually improves your mood and has a lot of , likes lowering stress and anxiety. For added benefit, shake your booty. showed that dancing improves mental health.

5. Get curious.
Curiosity is a stepping stone to mindfulness, and . Ask yourself questions like “what am I noticing about my feelings today?” or “I wonder what is going on inside my child to cause her to behave that way?” or “what small step can I take toward that goal?”
By being curious rather than judgmental, notice how the energy shifts. Approach life with a child-like sense of wonder. See things in a new perspective, notice things you haven’t noticed before, and ask a lot of questions.

...

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20 Gratitude Activities for Kids

In November, many people share something they’re thankful for each day on social media in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday. Practicing gratitude makes us feel happier and more alive. The benefits of gratitude are many, and if we teach our children the art of gratitude while they’re young, they’re more likely to reap the benefits well into adulthood.

These gratitude activities will help you cultivate an “attitude of gratitude” in your little ones.

1. Create a . Each family member should add photos, notes, drawings, and mementos - anything they feel grateful for. It’s a good idea to keep it visible and add to it regularly, like once a month at a family meeting.

2. I found a wreath I can actually make! This is easy and festive. Just write what your kids are grateful for on the feathers.

3. Keep a  on the kitchen table. Let the kids decorate it with fall stickers or leaves. Each day, tell everyone to write down one thing they’re thankful for and put it in the jar.

4. I love this . Cut out leaves, have the kids write what they’re thankful for on them, and hang them on a branch.

5. Add the gratitude circle into your bedtime routine. Have the family sit in a circle and each person name something they’re grateful for.

6. Say grace before meals. A simple yet often overlooked gratitude practice, saying grace before we eat is a small way to teach kids to be thankful. If you’re not religious,

7. Get the little ones active with the . If you have an energetic kid, this is a great activity.

8. Take a gratitude walk. Go on an evening stroll and look for things to be grateful for, like the beautiful leaves, the smell of rain, and the friendly neighbors.

9. Make a . Each day leading up to Thanksgiving, add one strip per family member to the chain. You should have a nice, long chain to decorate with on Thanksgiving Day.

10. For a multisensory approach to gratitude, check out this .

11. Have the kids write letters of gratitude to community workers and hand-deliver them. Ideas are
police, fire department, school, bank, and hospital.

12. Buy a jar and dig a hole! It’s time to make a .
Just write what everyone is thankful for on strips of paper, roll them up and place them in the jar. Bury it in the back yard. Dig it up next Thanksgiving and read what everyone was grateful for last year, and then add new ones to the jar and bury it again.

13. These are a simple and cute way to cultivate gratitude in your little ones.

14. Read books about gratitude together.  and this list from 

15.  made gratitude pumpkins with strips of orange construction paper.

...continue reading the list at

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30 Days of Play in November!

, I began a new series, giving you simple and inexpensive play ideas for every day of the month. You asked for me to keep these posts coming every month, and so here are 30 fresh new play ideas for the month of November! Plus, since the season of Thanksgiving is upon us, check out these .


1. Play balloon tennis. Tape a paper plate to a paint stick for the tennis racket, and use a balloon as the tennis ball.

2. Build a town out of cardboard boxes. Cut holes for doors and windows, decorate the “buildings” with construction paper, crayons, glitter, or whatever else you have on hand, and use small toys and figures to occupy your town.

3. Pretend play detectives. Create clues for the kids to follow and see if they can solve the mystery!

4. Play traditional birthday party games even if it’s nobody’s birthday. .

5. Watch a Thanksgiving movie together after the big dinner. .

6. Act out a children’s book, like We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.

7. Do karaoke.

8. Set up a science lab with beakers, test tubes, water, color tablets, and measuring spoons.

9. Visit a pumpkin patch.

10. Make a pumpkin pie together with the pumpkin you picked at the patch.

11. Do a for some fun outdoor science.

12. Paint each other’s faces with face paint.

13. Make a homemade corn pit. Fill a small baby pool with two 50-pound bags of corn from the local feed store. Add shovels and buckets.

14. Visit a local planetarium or science center.

15. Grab binoculars and go bird watching.

16. Play video games together.

17. Make a Thanksgiving craft. .

18. Blow up balloons with glow sticks inside and hang them from the bedroom ceiling for delightful nightlights.

19. Make homemade ice cream together. .

20. Play I Spy.

21. Peel the paper off broken crayons and melt them in flexible shaped trays, .

22. Freeze small toys in a muffin tin and throw the iced toys in the bath. The kids will enjoy watching them melt to reveal the toy.

23. Work a puzzle together.

24. Go on a hayride.

25. Make pet rocks, rock people, and even a whole rock village.

26. Make a treasure map and go on a treasure hunt.

27. Visit a local corn maze.

28. Gather all the stuffed animals and set up a pretend veterinarian’s office, or for educational fun, sort them by habitat.

29. Make a beanbag toss game:

• Cut out squares of felt.
• Hot glue 2 squares together on 3 edges, leaving a pocket opening.
• Fill with beans, and hot glue the last side shut.
• Cut out a hole in sturdy cardboard for the target, or just toss them into a basket or bowl.

30. Play The Floor is Lava! Game:

• Pull the couch cushions on the floor.
• All players must jump from cushion to cushion.
• Be careful not to step on the floor. It’s hot!

This post was originally published at .

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Enforcing Limits While Remaining Connected

Enforcing Limits While Remaining Close with Our Kids

For the past 6 years, I’ve centered my work around one message: Connection is everything. It’s the . It’s the . It’s our ticket to enjoying the journey more, but how can we set boundaries and correct our children without losing that connection? If we confuse “staying connected” with “never upsetting our children,” things begin to get very hazy.

Early on in my transition to respectful, connected parenting, I made the mistake of confusing the two. Fearful of ruining our bond, I struggled with setting and enforcing limits, and the frustration that resulted almost caused me to go back to my traditional punitive ways. Thankfully, I kept reading and learning, and finally I figured out So, if you’re struggling with something similar in your parenting journey, I’d like to share with you what helped me learn to stand firm yet gentle in my position as leader.

Here’s something to remember. A good connection isn’t feeble.

It isn’t going to break because you say no. It isn’t going to crumble when you hold a boundary or even allow a consequence. A temporarily upset child (or parent) doesn’t equal a broken bond. When I was tip-toeing around my kids, afraid of breaking our connection by upsetting them, I felt powerless to change their behavior. When I realized our relationship wasn’t that fragile, I was able to set and enforce limits and correct my children’s off-track behavior with confidence.

Think of parenting like a balance scale for a moment.

There should be lots of positive, happy, snuggly, smiling moments and fewer negative (correcting, reprimanding, upsetting, frustrating) moments. The positive should outweigh the negative a good deal. When we focus too much on correcting or reprimanding and don’t give enough positive attention, the scale starts to tip in the wrong direction. When the negative outweighs the positive, connections crumble.

Therefore, to keep your connection secure, make sure your scale is favorable. If you’re going through a particularly challenging phase, up the positive attention!

Ah, but there’s a small caveat. Even though we may have fewer negative moments than positive moments, being harsh or shaming during correction and enforcing of limits is damaging to the relationship. In other words, saying “no, I won’t allow you to do that” isn’t damaging, but “you’re a bad boy, why would you be so mean?” is.

It turns out that is a pretty common thing, and although children are very forgiving when we , harsh words and actions leave their mark. So, learning how to approach negative behavior in a positive way is important for keeping our connections strong, and this requires a shift in mindset and approach.

Changing Your Mindset

Positive parenting requires a shift from a fear-based mindset to a love-based mindset. The fear-based mindset says:

• I must control my child’s behavior. (authoritarian)
• My child learns not to repeat bad behavior by being punished. (authoritarian)
• I’m the dominant figure; my child is “under” me. (authoritarian)
• My child will hate me if I upset him. (permissive)

Trying to positively parent with a fear-based mindset doesn’t work because the focus is still on who has the control, you or your child.

The love-based mindset says:

• My role is to teach my child appropriate behavior.
• My child learns through example and through limits set and enforced respectfully.
• While I am the leader, my child is a human being with equal rights to be respected and heard.

The real shift occurs when you move away from controlling your child’s behavior toward understanding your child’s behavior. Only when you understand where it’s coming from can you help him learn to do better.

Changing Your Approach

Now that the focus is off control and on connection and understanding, how do you approach correcting her of enforcing your limit while maintaining your connection?

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