Are all gifted children early readers?

True or False: You can tell if a child is gifted by how early he or she starts to read.

Answer: True and False

It's true that many gifted children read at a remarkably early age, amazing family and preschool teachers alike with their almost eerie knowledge of language. Many of these children are also highly verbal, possess a large vocabulary, and seem to grasp humor, subtlety and other nuances of speech well beyond their years. These become the kids who drag home wheelbarrows full of books from the library, walk into walls because they are always reading, and keep a book hidden on their laps during school to cope with boredom.

But not all gifted children read early. found in her study, and in a review of other research, that approximately half of gifted children start reading on their own before they start school. Those who do not read prior to kindergarten may be visual-spatial learners, have mathematical, artistic, mechanical, or spatial abilities, may have a learning disability, or may have been raised in an impoverished environment. Or they just could be late bloomers.

When children don't read at an early age, parents and teachers may overlook other outstanding abilities and assume they are not gifted. Strong verbal abilities stand out, and when children are shy, less verbal, or have a learning disability that masks giftedness, other signs of high aptitude are often ignored. Parents need to be aware of , request , and  for gifted services.

Some children may never learn to love reading, though. Competing interests, learning disabilities, a visual-spatial orientation, or the ever-present lure of electronics can make reading a chore. One offers guidelines for encouraging reading when it is not your child's greatest interest.

Most gifted children who are not early readers catch up quickly, though, start reading on their own in kindergarten or first grade, and learn to love reading. Rather than decoding phonetically, they frequently surprise their teachers by devouring chapter books that interest them, and skip the "Dick and Jane" books completely. Intrinsically motivated, these children read because they want to, because books captivate their attention. Reading fuels their imagination and can become a safe harbor from the stresses of life. For an excellent article about how gifted students absorb reading material, see . But simply put: "they read faster and understand more."

As a parent, you can foster this love by offering as many opportunities as possible where your child can read for fun. And advocate when necessary to ensure that your child's reading needs are addressed at school. Even if your gifted child did not read at an early age, chances are he or she will become an avid reader, collect mountains of books and walk into walls, just like all the others.

Final words: A gifted eight-year-old (not an early reader, but voracious by kindergarten) tells his parents, "I know what I want to be when I grow up - a librarian. That way, I can read books all day!" What a disappointment when he learned that librarians don't get to read all day and actually have to work! 

Please let us know about your child's reading experiences in the comments section below.

This blog is part of the Hoagies Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Summer Reading. To read more blogs in this hop, visit this Blog Hop at .


Creating an Environment for Children to Thrive


Children have been compared to flowers often as the similarities are evident - they are beautiful, they are unique, they require tender, loving care, they bloom in their own time. Often we focus on changing our child rather than changing their environment, but changing the environment has a big impact on how our children grow. If we consciously tend to our gardens, our flowers will blossom.

The Physical Environment

1. It's hard with small children, but try to keep the clutter to a minimum. Simple, neat spaces are more pleasing and soothing than cluttered and crowded spaces.

2. Subtle décor can have a big impact. Fresh flowers on the table, light-hearted wall hangings or beautiful art all add to the feeling of your home.

3. Pleasant scents lift moods. Did you know that the human sense of smell can identify thousands of aromas and is 10,000 times more precise than our sense of taste? Find what scents energize your children and what scents soothe them.

4. Provide toys and activities that children can reach/do independently without the help of an adult. Put as much on their level as you are comfortable with, including healthy snacks, books, puzzles and games, cups/plates/utensils, etc. Provide a mirror at your child's level. Have stools available at sinks.

5. Let the sunshine in! Open shades and windows. Research has proven that natural lighting helps people be more productive, happier, healthier and calmer.


The Mental Environment

1. Protect your children as best as you can from things which are not age appropriate. This means mature television shows, video games, or movies with themes their young minds may not be ready for.

2. Be a role model! As much as you can show them how to live joyfully, laugh loudly, bounce back, show compassion, be optimistic, positive, and happy is as much as they will be able to do the same.

3. Ensure your child gets the proper nutrition, sleep, and exercise as these affect mental health.

4. Love, security and acceptance should be at the heart of your family life.  Children need to know that your love does not depend on his or her accomplishments.Confidence grows in a home that is full of unconditional love and affection.

5. Nurture your child's confidence and self-esteem. Encourage them, Be their cheerleader. Give healthy praise. Set realistic goals. Avoid sarcastic remarks.

6. Let them play! Free play, messy play, exploring, and unstructured play time are great for children. Most of it comes off in the shower!

7.  Ensure a positive, safe school environment. Work closely with your child's teachers. Always advocate for your child when necessary. Keep lines of communication flowing so that your child feels he or she can discuss problems with you.

8. Build competencies. Children need to know that they can overcome challenges and accomplish goals through their actions. Achieving academic success and developing individual talents and interests helps children feel competent and more able to deal positively with the stresses of life. Social competency is also important. Having friends and staying connected to friends and loved ones can enhance mental well-being.

9. Create a sense of belonging. Children need to feel connected and welcomed, and this is vital to their developing sense of self and their trust in themselves and others. Greet your child warmly every morning and after school. Include your child in on family meetings. Creating warm and memorable family traditions will build a sense of tradition and closeness in the family unit. Help your child develop positive relationships with outside family members, teachers, clergy, coaches, and peers.

10. Teach your child healthy mental boundaries. Explain that they have a choice in choosing peers who bring out the best in them and in staying away from people who don't. Show them how to set and enforce limits with others and be assertive. Role play how to handle multiple situations in which their values and limits may be tested so that they feel empowered in dealing with this when it arises.


The Emotional Environment

1. Ensure each child feels safe to express his/her feelings.

2. Keep family drama away from the kids. It's okay for the children to see parents argue as long as no one is verbally abusive and it ends peacefully as this can model positive skills, but if you can't keep from shouting and insulting, keep it away from the kids.

3. Sibling squabbles are to be expected, but make sure it doesn't get out of hand. If a sibling is feeling bullied or being hurt physically or mentally, you need to step in.

4. Avoid comparing your children to each other and to other children.

5. Respect your children. Listen to them and take them seriously. Make them feel like a valued member of the family unit.

6. Accept all feelings and teach children how to manage their emotions.

7. Create and respect healthy boundaries. Verbal and physical abuse obviously violates their boundaries. Additionally, children’s property, space, and privacy should be respected.

8. Allow children age appropriate decisions, responsibilities, and independence.

9. Be fair and reasonable in your discipline. Do not give consequences when you are emotionally charged.

10. Allow them to be who they are and nurture and love the child you have.

The Garden - A Parenting Parable Review





Living and parenting in an age of chronic stress, anxiety and distraction, what does it take to raise children to thrive, not just survive? Through the metaphor of flowers as children, the story of The Garden is a powerful and poignant parable about the essential process of tending, trusting and growing strong roots. A story told with resplendent illustrations, The Garden shows us how to reclaim and cultivate the transformative power of relationship, and reminds us to enjoy the process, through exploring our own stories, fears and expectations, and marvel at our children's growth as we learn to hold, let go, and respect each child's unique nature.
Lu's writing always touches tender places in my heart, and The Garden is no exception. This is a short, easy read but leaves a beautiful impression. Interwoven in this lovely parable, the author eases our fears as a parent, tells us in the most gentlest way possible to not look to other families and compare ourselves to them, our children to their children, because each is unique and needs it's own special blend of love and care to thrive. She warns us of getting trapped in the loop of noticing imperfections or wishing our child was different somehow. Then she asks the question we all ask in our parenting journeys - How can I get my flowers to bloom more quickly and stay open longer? Acknowledging that there is no magic formula, not for gardens or for children, Lu shows us how to relax and enjoy the process as we tend to our own families, and that even though we may not be perfect at it, our flowers will bloom if we lovingly tend to them every day. "The miracle grows where the eye can't see...in the strong roots underground that reach deep into the black earth with long tributaries of trust, anchoring the garden above to grow with the changing seasons, trampling of sneakers, silent snowfalls and spring thaws."

Beautifully illustrated and written, The Garden is a lovely reminder to have on your bedside table. There is something ever so soothing and grounding about this little book. I hope you'll and enjoy it as much as I did.


Lu is an award-winning writer, author, educator, speaker, television host, brain science geek, creativity crusader, and most grateful mama of two boys. She is the author of the acclaimed book "," former NBC anchor and Discover Health Channel host of Make Room for Baby. For five years, she hosted The Science Show, syndicated in 11 countries. She currently co-hosts a dynamic educational television program for youth in New York called Liberty Treehouse.

Lu's essays and articles have been published in The New York Times, Mothering, Parenting, Fit Pregnancy and Redbook.  Lu and the amazing Tanya Leonello collaborated on a previous book, "," a children's story about what happens when connection and imagination join forces. Lu is founder of , her socially conscious initiative and newly minted studio awarded "Best of South Jersey." She lives in New Jersey with her husband and two boys. You can find Lu on Facebook on her page .

Caught in the middle: How to help gifted children survive the middle school years

Caught in the middle.

Just when life seemed manageable, middle school-aged children face confusion and uncertainty. Social demands, hormonal changes, and a burgeoning sense of independence challenge the self that once was. New worlds unfold, and the old rules from elementary school don't work any more. Neither child nor adult, they must discover who they are and how to define themselves.

Giftedness complicates matters even further. Heightened sensitivity, introversion, asynchronous development, a preoccupation with fairness, and intensely focused interests can make the middle school years even more difficult to navigate.


What challenges of middle school do gifted children face?

Fitting in - All middle school children face pressure to conform; how much they choose to conform and how well they manage to can determine whether they gain acceptance. Wearing the right clothes, affecting that certain attitude, and following the music, sports and pop culture icons of the moment are critical. Each middle school creates its own social hierarchy, and traits associated with giftedness are rarely valued. Intellectual interests, academic striving, emotional sensitivity, and concern about the meaning of life are not typical priorities for most middle school students. As a result, gifted children question whether to conform and disguise who they are, or find a small, select group of like-minded peers and remain an outlier from the larger group.

Bullying - A more serious threat is the risk of . The gifted child's intellectual differences, sensitivity, and talents can be targeted by other children. Due to their highly developed sense of fairness and justice, gifted children may be appalled by a social culture that perpetuates bullying, and feel unprepared to defend themselves. Those who lag behind in social skills may be particularly unprepared to navigate these challenges when bullying is part of the school environment. Repeated bullying can contribute to anxiety, depression, sleep disturbances isolation from others and physical complaints, and can create lasting emotional scars.

Underachievement - Enthusiasm for learning, often embraced throughout elementary school, sometimes fades in middle school. A variety of factors may play a role: social distractions, disappointment and boredom with classes, a decision to "dumb themselves down" to fit in, or role confusion. Gifted girls, in particular, may mask their intellectual skills to be more attractive to boys. And in schools where sports are highly valued, boys may assume that they cannot be athletic and pursue academic interests at the same time.

Identity formation - Middle school is a time when teens start to define themselves. Despite the pressure of conformity and a rigid school culture, most young gifted teens develop a distinct sense of who they are, with strong preferences, interests, and opinions. As they come to terms with their abilities, they must decide how this identity will form their sense of self. Will they hide their giftedness so that they can fit in with peers? Or will they embrace their identity as a "smart kid" or "nerd," regardless of the social consequences? Can they be smart and athletic? Can they be popular and achieve good grades?

A new awakening - Gifted middle school-aged teens open their eyes to the world around them with startling acuity. They start to question values and see the complexity and uncertainty inherent in what they once trusted. They may lose respect for authority figures, abandon family values and religious beliefs, and question the meaning and purpose of their existence. This painful existential awakening can eventually help them understand and define themselves more clearly. But, it may be confusing and difficult for a child to navigate. Some gifted children find a cause or activity that captivates their interests, while others may become anxious, depressed or disengaged.

Gifted middle school children need their parents' guidance as they traverse this difficult transition. Since middle school is considered a difficult time for most children, a gifted child's concerns could be easily dismissed as part of "normal" growing pains. Yet, their intensity, sensitivity, and the limited availability of true peers increases the likelihood of a rough road. Some manage without difficulty, but others continue to struggle throughout high school and beyond, battling underachievement, depression or feelings of alienation.

What can parents do to help them?

1. Tune in and listen. Pay attention to what they say and what they don't say. Notice changes in behavior, loss of interest in activities, refusal to spend time with friends. Other signs of concern include sleep problems, changes in appetite, apathy, a drop in grades, physical complaints (without a known medical cause), anxiety, or extreme irritability.

2. Ask them directly about their lives. What, are you kidding? OK, many teens are as closed as a vault, but with some timing and skill, you can find out more about what they are feeling. Sometimes teens are more receptive to communication when sharing an activity you both enjoy, riding in the car, or talking before bed. Parents know their children best and can usually find a good time to start the conversation.

3. Keep your emotions in check. Yes, it is upsetting and even infuriating to see your child struggle. But parents need to manage their own feelings without placing this added burden on their children. Middle school is a time when life feels out of control for many children. It's OK to show children that you feel angry about an injustice at school or empathize with how they feel. If your sadness or rage is excessive, though, they won't have the calm, stable foundation they need during this difficult time. If you need support, reach out to adult family members, friends, or a counselor. Even an online can help.

4. Withhold judgment. Quickly coming to conclusions, offering immediate advice, or taking charge will backfire. Children either rebel (through angry refusal or passive eye-rolling), or initially comply, but fail to develop the skills to negotiate difficult social situations. Your advice is valuable, but first help them sort through possible solutions to the problem. Ask what they think might work, help them brainstorm, and weigh the pros and cons of different outcomes.

5. Advocate, advocate. When schools offer little in terms of options for gifted children, parents need to strategically for services their children deserve. The teacher, principal, administration and school board may need input regarding what your child and what all gifted children need. about the needs of gifted children.

6. Seek support. Most importantly, if the school is unable to help, or if your child is showing signs of emotional distress, it is important to seek guidance and . While services may be available through the school, you may need to find a therapist outside of school who can meet with you and your child. Your pediatrician or the school psychologist are often excellent resources for recommending referrals in your area.

What has helped your middle school-aged child? Let us know!

The Gifted Family – Transforming Chaos into Calm



Welcome to readers of the 2014 . This is a cross-post of an article I wrote for Global #gtchat Powered by the Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented found .

Jen Merrill Head ShotWhen I asked Jen Merrill, author of and the popular blog Laughing at Chaos, to co-moderate this week's #gtchat on Twitter; she seemed to think that we might be attempting to discuss the impossible. Her exact words were "And then we'll be discussing the Loch Ness Monster and Sasquatch!"

If you've raised gifted kids, family life can often seem chaotic and not just because of the kids! The parents' intensity plays a greater role than many of us like to admit. The term 'multiple personalities' takes on a whole new meaning when applied to the members of a gifted family. Attempting to bring calm to a world of chaos when you aren't sure who is in charge can prove difficult.
Undaunted ... we went ahead with the chat and were pleasantly surprised not only to see many new faces, but several folks we had not seen in years. It seems that chaos rules in many households where 'apples haven't fallen far from the tree' and now reside under one roof! And participants had a lot to say ... nearly 600 tweets in one hour ... about a tweet every 6 seconds! A list of the questions posed at this week's chat may be found here. A full transcript is at Storify.
Our first question addressed the issue of how asynchrony, when developmental levels of gifted children collide, affects family life in terms of sibling relationships and extended family. One of the first responses, "How does it NOT affect all of life?" from Mona Chicks, set the tone for most of the chat.
Life is indeed chaotic in the gifted family and most participants agreed, 'calm' is a refuge rarely achieved. As Jen noted, "It's hard to plan when you don't know what age/behavior will appear. Extended family may only see one 'age' or only see the kid outside his comfort zone. I think asynchrony causes the most pain with extended family that doesn't 'get it.' Sometimes [you get] judgement when you most need acceptance." Amy Harrington added, "Asynchrony is pervasive with no off switch. It is all consuming and mixed in with Overexcitabilities [OEs] can be entirely overwhelming at times."
We next considered, "What strategies can parents use to calm their own emotional intensities while dealing with their child’s OEs?" Pamela Price of Red, White and Grew, recommended that "Honestly? They need to IDENTIFY their own intensities and seek separate support for them, including their own counselor." Angie French from TeachaGiftedKid added, "You must take care of yourself so you can be the best caretaker of the ones you love." Susanne Thomas, new Online Education Director at Gifted Homeschoolers Forum, had some sage advice for the group, "Finding your tribe. Hands down. Anyone that 'gets' it even in concept needs to be cultivated and cherished."
Additional questions included dealt with:
  • the added pressures that parents face as mediators for their child when behaviors don't match cultural norms
  • how discrepancies in a child'd development affect educational options
  • what effect gifted parenting has on marital relationships and increased financial burdens due to such things as homeschooling and/or early college entrance
Our final question of the chat was meant to allow participants to express some of the unexpected joys they had experienced with their gifted child. Jen shared a recent newspaper article, Moving Picture: Libertyville Computer Whiz Has Big Plans, about her son and his intense interest in computers. Comments shared were truly inspiring!
  • "It's that moment when someone who had low expectations figures it out and is in AWE of his ability. Seeing the connections happen in his brain. Amazing!" Mona Chicks
  • "I get to school him here, and help him make connections, and watch his face light!!" Care M. 
  • "Knowing that if there's more spirited, divergent and creative thinkers out there like her, humanity might have a hope!" Celeste of Oz
  • "Saying 'my kid can code in 4 languages!'" Susanne Thomas
  • "An off the wall sense of humour. Watching them think - the brilliant leaps from go to OMG where did that come from???" Gluten - Free Mum
  • "His humor and original jokes! Oh, the jokes he spontaneously makes up!" Celi Trépanier
  • "Beyond joy about rediscovering his "old", happier self. Proud of us for stepping up to plate as parents. Flip side of public judgment--enormous appreciation 4 strangers who genuinely like your kid." tedra 
  • "Constantly impressed with their insight, creativity, kindness, seeing new patterns." Justin Schwamm 
Have you found your tribe? People who 'get' giftedness and how it affects your life? Consider joining us at Global #gtchat Powered by the Texas Association for the Gifted and Talented on Twitter and find your tribe! Each week we discuss timely topics related to gifted children, adults and education. Questions are posted the day before and an edited transcript is posted after each chat.
We look forward to seeing you Fridays on Twitter at 7/6 C and 4 PM PT in the U.S. as well as at midnight in the UK, 9 AM Saturdays in Australia (ET) and 11 AM in New Zealand. There is also a Sunday chat (in lieu of that week's Friday chat) on the 3rd week of the month at 4/3 C and 1 PM PT in the U.S. and 9 PM in the UK to accommodate those who can't attend the Friday chats.
Feel free to email me at gtchatmod@gmail.com with questions relating to chat times, topics you'd like to discuss or guests you'd like to see on #gtchat. Below is a list of links which were presented during this chat.
gtchat rectangle

Links:
Life in the Asynchronous Family” by Kathi Kearney
Off the Charts: Asynchrony and the Gifted Child” Neville, Piechowski & Tolan, eds.
Off-the-charts cover
Family Counseling with the Gifted” Linda Silverman” (pdf)
A Year of Small Gratitudes” from Jen Merrill
Serving Highly & Profoundly Gifted Learners”  (pdf) in the Gifted Education Communicator Winter 2009
Mellow Out Book Cover
Sprite's Site Post for New Zealand Gifted Awareness Week Blog Tour


Do Consequences Have a Place in Redemption?

In yesterday's post, , I discussed redemption versus retribution. 

Redemption: The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed.
Redeemed: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of:
Retribution: Punishment for doing something wrong 
Do I want to seek to restore his honor, worth, and reputation, or do I want to punish him? 
The world says children need punishment. I think children need redemption. 

They will grow and mature and come to naturally understand how the world works. They will come to understand laws and consequences without being "primed" for them with smaller punishments now. We think if we punish them for little things, they'll want to avoid punishment for the big things later, but that's not really how it works. Punishment highlights their faults. Punishment eats away at their self-concepts. Punishment is retaliation, not teaching.
Redemption restores honor and worth. How do you redeem a wayward child? By highlighting their strengths, not their weaknesses. By shining a spotlight on their rights, not their wrongs. By believing in their goodness and making sure they believe in their goodness. By ensuring that "kind," "helpful," "compassionate," "responsible," and "good" are part of their self-concepts because humans behave according to what they believe of themselves, and children believe of themselves what their parents believe of them.  
Correction is necessary, but shining that big light on their mistakes only makes them grow. Correct gently, shining the light always on their decency, listening to the communication of the behavior, and seeking always to redeem them. 
It's been a popular post, and I'm thankful that the philosophy of positive parenting is reaching so far. There have been some comments after that post about the need for consequences, which I'd like to address today.

I've discussed consequences several times on this site.






As I stated in "What's the Deal with Consequences When They're Older?"
First, I think it's important to define punishment and consequences.
pun·ish·ment noun \ˈpə-nish-mənt\: suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution
Punishment is making your child suffer, experience pain, or experience loss in order to serve as retribution. So, obviously spanking (causing pain), grounding (causing suffering or loss), or taking away toys or privileges (causing loss) are all about one thing, you intend to make the child suffer because of her behavior. The thing about punishment is that "serving as retribution" doesn't last. That's why the majority of offenders who get out of jail repeat an offense. Retribution doesn't really teach us anything valuable. In most cases, it serves to just make us angry and vengeful.
con·se·quence noun \ˈkän(t)-sə-ˌkwen(t)s: something that happens as a result of a particular action or set of conditions
That sounds more helpful, except we have an uncanny knack for turning these into punishments, too. This is where the line gets blurry. I fought with myself over the semantics of consequences and punishments for quite a while, and I came to the conclusion that intent is really what separates the two. There are 2 keys in turning from retribution to teaching: INTENT and EMPATHY.

So to answer the question of "Do consequences have a place in redemption" the answer is "yes." Sometimes consequences can help redeem the child by righting their wrongs. An example that comes to mind is when my son once wasted a can of compressed air at the bank while I chatted with friends. We problem-solved and he decided to do chores to earn the money to pay for the can. He did the chores and took the money back to the bank. This consequence was something we agreed on mutually as a result of the problem-solving process and didn't harm his self-concept but actually improved it as he felt a sense of responsibility. It taught him that he has the ability to make things right again, and that he is the kind of person who fixes his mistakes. Redeemed.

Another example was given in "What's the Deal With Consequences When They're Older" of a young lady who broke a window with a ball. It was decided that she'd earn the money to pay for the window. Again intent and empathy are keys. A consequence delivered with a harsh or demeaning tone and enforced with grit is going to feel like a punishment, which will focus the child more on his or her feelings of anger or irritation at the parent than on righting his or her's wrongdoing. However, when delivered with empathy, working with the child to fix his or her mistake and maintaining and conveying belief in the child's goodness and ability to make things right, the consequence can aid in redeeming the child.

It's important though to not go straight for the consequence every time your child makes a mistake. It can be easy to get stuck in that rut as it seems to "fix the problem" quickly, but we need to remind ourselves of what I was unable to see in the problem I discussed in yesterday's post, that behavior is communication. Rather than a consequence, the child may need taught a skill or helped with a problem they're dealing with.

Finally, whether a consequence is needed or not, it is invaluable to our children to convey to them our belief in their goodness, in their value, and in their ability to overcome whatever they are dealing with and shine. Our consistent belief in them is how they build a consistent belief in themselves, and that will benefit them for a lifetime.





When I Resorted to Punishments...

Our waters have been troubled lately. My 5 year old has taken to teasing his highly sensitive brother. There have been daily, seemingly constant hurtful words hurled at my oldest son. Why would he do that? Hadn't I taught him to be kind? To respect others? Was I raising a bully?

Doubts began to creep in my mind. Fear took over. My mother said he needed punished. I began to wonder if maybe she was right. After all, I couldn't let it go on. It was affecting my oldest. I'd talked to him about it. I'd asked him to empathize with his brother. I'd called him out on it every time I heard a put-down and told him it was inappropriate.

Effectively, what I'd done is shone a great big light on it, and it fed off that light. The problem grew.

I began to think maybe he did need punished. I had to protect my oldest son. I had to let my youngest know that he could not hurt people. I was angry and could no longer see this problem through my usual lens, but all I could see was this ugliness rising up in him that needed to be stopped immediately.

Knowing the "natural consequence" of hurting his relationship with his brother apparently didn't mean anything to him, I began taking away the only thing I knew that did. His allowance. Every time he did something "wrong", I told him he lost a dollar off his allowance. I kept a record of it.

-1 for teasing.
-1 for pinching.
-1 for a put-down.

They kept adding up. He was very upset that he was losing money, but it didn't stop the problem. Now he was teasing his brother and really mad at me both. I felt defeated, and I didn't know what else to do. Everyone in the house was now feeling the negative effects of this issue, and the atmosphere here was suffocating.

Then, one morning, I was scrolling my newsfeed and I saw this:

When our kids say hurtful things, they're hurting.
When our kids lash out, they're hurting.
When our kids resist and rehash, they're hurting.
When our kids get rigid, they're hurting.
When our kids are chaotic, they're hurting
When our kids ignore, pretend, defend and act out, they're hurting.
What if we *started* with the hurting instead of bypassing the hurt in favor of behavior and how to quash it?
How would we see our kids' intention and motivation differently?
How would we treat them differently?
How would they respond differently?
What would we have to change in our own hearts in order to embark on this process?
When the hurt is accessed, the heart heals, the behavior is understood as the symptom, not the cause. -  Lu Hanessian Parent2ParentU

The anger I felt toward my 5 year old dissipated and I was able to see him as a hurting child who needed my help. I'm normally able to do this, but in this particular situation where he was hurting another child of mine, my judgment had become clouded, but suddenly it was clear to me again.

Why? Why was he hurting? When did it start? What caused his feelings? What was he trying to communicate?

I looked at his allowance deduction list. I saw a record of wrongs.

Love keeps no record of wrongs....

I crumpled it up and tossed it in the trash.

REDEMPTION NOT RETRIBUTION

Redemption: The act of redeeming or the condition of having been redeemed. 
Redeemed: To restore the honor, worth, or reputation of:
Retribution: Punishment for doing something wrong

Do I want to seek to restore his honor, worth, and reputation, or do I want to punish him?

The world says children need punishment. I think children need redemption. 

They will grow and mature and come to naturally understand how the world works. They will come to understand laws and consequences without being "primed" for them with smaller punishments now. We think if we punish them for little things, they'll want to avoid punishment for the big things later, but that's not really how it works. Punishment highlights their faults. Punishment eats away at their self-concepts. Punishment is retaliation, not teaching. 

Redemption restores honor and worth. How do you redeem a wayward child? By highlighting their strengths, not their weaknesses. By shining a spotlight on their rights, not their wrongs. By believing in their goodness and making sure they believe in their goodness. By ensuring that "kind," "helpful," "compassionate," "responsible," and "good" are part of their self-concepts because humans behave according to what they believe of themselves, and children believe of themselves what their parents believe of them. 

Correction is necessary, but shining that big light on their mistakes only makes them grow. Correct gently, shining the light always on their decency, listening to the communication of the behavior, and seeking always to redeem them. 

I realized my 5 year old was feeling rejected by his brother because he didn't play with him much anymore. We called a family meeting. Both children were heard. A solution was agreed upon. I am now working on repairing our relationship and restoring his honor, worth, and reputation.

Don't wade through troubled waters. Build a bridge. Redemption is the bridge. 

Redemption not retribution. Love never fails.