25 signs your gifted child is misunderstood at school

Most of us have been through it. That sinking feeling when your gifted child becomes , unmotivated or miserable in school. That uncertainty over how much to intervene, when to , and whether to approach the school or risk alienating teachers when you ask for something more.

This is not meant as a rant against teachers. They have a demanding and often thankless job. I have worked with many children who have received a remarkable education. And my own kids were fortunate to have crossed paths with many wonderful teachers throughout their school years.

And yet...

There are some giftedness, do not have the time or energy to address these students' needs, or refuse to provide gifted services as a result of school policy, pressure from other parents, , lack of training, or misguided opinions unsupported by actual evidence or research.

Below are 25 signs your gifted child is misunderstood at school. These are evident when your child is...

1. expected to succeed just because she is gifted, without requiring additional instruction or resources beyond what is taught in the regular classroom

2. perceived as demanding just because he is curious, questions rules, and has strong opinions

3. not permitted to by subject or grade

4. not grouped with peers who possess similar abilities because administrators or other parents perceive this as elitist or exclusionary

5. allowed to read a novel during class because there are no challenging classroom activities

6. punished for reading a novel during class when there are no challenging classroom activities

7. required to "tutor" other students, resulting in alienation from peers, and possible teasing and bullying

8. singled out and recognized for being "so smart," resulting in alienation from peers, and possible teasing and bullying

9. blamed for her , even when it springs from chronic boredom and frustration with school

10. criticized when his social maturity lags behind his intellect

11. slapped with a label such as ADHD, "on the spectrum," or oppositional, without the qualifications to diagnose or an actual evaluation confirming it

12. told to wait and wait and wait... until the other students catch up

13. grouped with less able peers on group projects, with the expectation that she will help the other students with the assignment

14. forced to participate in so-called gifted "enrichment" activities that are neither relevant nor meaningful to him (e.g., trips to museums, musicals), since these somehow fulfill the school's "requirements" for having a gifted program

15. expected to take all honors and AP classes in high school, regardless of her interest in specific subjects

16. chastised for expressing enthusiasm over an accomplishment (e.g., "hey, I solved this math problem!") since it "might make other students feel bad"

17. overlooked when it is time for awards, especially if she has subject accelerated, as teachers "forget" to consider her during awards nominations

18. expected to believe that mixed ability classrooms are truly beneficial even when he clearly senses the fallacy of that argument

19. told that her educational needs are not as important as those of struggling or less able students

20. routinely given A's, even when the grade is achieved with little effort

21. never given an opportunity to work hard at school, develop study skills, strategic planning abilities, or learn from failure experiences

22. offered "extra" homework, assignments and worksheets to supplement the regular classwork

23. chastised for not acting as smart as he should, given his intellectual abilities

24. not given the for searching and applying for specific colleges that might truly challenge and inspire her

25. expected to fit in with all children his age, even though his advanced intellect, heightened sensitivities, overexcitabilities, attunement to social justice issues, and possible make it difficult

Sound familiar?

What can you do when many of the above inevitably occur?

• First, to what your child needs most and identify what is necessary in each situation. Sometimes, this means contacting the school and and administrators. Other times, it is better to step back, since involvement might create more problems, upset your child, or result in backlash. This is especially true for older children. Sometimes offering your child emotional support, coping strategies, ideas for self-advocacy, and resources outside of school may be the most effective approach.

• Get involved with advocacy on a macro level. Often, working on changing the structure of how gifted education is delivered will help both your child and the lives of many other children. Join local and state gifted organizations, enlist other parents of gifted children to develop advocacy goals, form a parent group, and learn as much as possible from sites such as , , and .

• Make changes if necessary. If your child is distressed, miserable or languishing in an educational system that cannot meet his or her needs, get help. If it is financially possible, some parents find alternative options, such as , cyber schools, charter schools or . If affordable, find activities outside of school that are meaningful and challenging. If your child is anxious, depressed, or acting out, . What is most important is staying attuned to your child's needs, and deciding when to intervene.

What signs can you add to the list above? And what have you done to help your child? Let us know in the comments section below!

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Disciplining the Sensitive Child

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My firstborn is a highly sensitive child. I didn’t realize this fact until he was three, and I didn’t fully understand it until he was four and a half when I read Ted Zeff’s book,  Without the knowledge and understanding of my son’s sensitivity, I disciplined him in ways that damaged his self-esteem and our bond.

This is, in fact, the very reason I began to research parenting philosophies and landed, eventually, on positive parenting. It was because I could see pain and sadness in his eyes during time-out that I eventually rejected traditional discipline tactics and chose gentle discipline instead.

In her book, The Highly Sensitive Child, Elaine Aron, Ph.D. says, “HSCs need to be corrected and disciplined, but unless you know how to do it properly, your child is likely to take your correction as global messages about his worth.” Sensitive children tend to be very self-critical, so parental criticism is an especially hard blow, though truthfully criticism isn’t good for any child and is one of .

Aron says, “HSCs process their mistakes so thoroughly, they punish themselves” and this is what I noticed when my son, then three years old, was corrected with a typical reprimand such as “don’t do that, I said no” and a traditional time-out. Because sitting there hurt him too much emotionally, he often tried to get up and reconnect, which I viewed as defiance and put him back in the chair. When he did sit still, he cried huge tears and the expression on his face was heartbreaking. Thankfully after a short time of this, I listened to my intuition and found better solutions for my sensitive child.

Discipline to Avoid

1. Avoid shaming.

Sensitive children are particularly sensitive to shaming. “You naughty child” or “why can’t you get it right” may seem like mild correction, but to sensitive children, these words can be devastating.

2. Avoid teasing.

Some families use teasing as lighthearted fun, but the sarcastic messages which are almost always imbedded in the teasing will not be lost on a sensitive child. “Uh-oh, Emma is baking cookies. Hold your ears! The smoke detector will be going off any minute!”

3. Avoid .

For every child, and especially HSCs. 

4. Avoid isolating or withdrawing warmth and love.

Time-out is a popular discipline tactic where a child is sent to a chair or specific spot away from everyone else until he is “ready to behave.” We now know that to teach any child, but again, HSCs are particularly sensitive to the harm it does.

5. Avoid being permissive.

Don’t avoid correcting your sensitive child out of fear of hurting her feelings. Loving correction that is not harsh or shaming will not damage her but will help her to reach her fullest potential.

Discipline to Favor

1. Change your tone of voice for correction.

For sensitive children, a correction given in a serious tone of voice is often enough to deter the behavior. Because they want to please their caregivers, knowing they stepped out of line is distressing and will cause them to correct their behavior.

2. Connect before your correct

A good rule of thumb for all children but is especially important for the sensitive child because if they perceive a threat, they will shut down quickly. Reassure her that you are on her side and will help her solve the problem.

3. Replace time-out for .

Because it is best to avoid isolating sensitive children to a time-out chair, time-in is a good alternative whereby you take the child to a calming area, help him to calm down if needed (calm brains absorb lessons) and then discuss why the behavior was unacceptable and what he can do instead.          ..

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Staying Close in the Digital Age

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It is the age of being superficially known by hundreds and deeply known by no one, or by very few. We are virtually connected for much of the day, but our heart-to-heart connections are suffering - yet being known and accepted as we are, not as what we portray on social media, being seen and loved and valued at home, not seen and liked and noticed online, being connected to real people – these are what sustain us.

I understand the struggle of staying close when everything is pulling at our attention. My sons have iPads and Kindle Fires and X-Box systems. I have an online business. The pull is ever present, seeking to draw us into the online world and away from the blessings right in front of us.

I was struck by a passage in the book  by Sally and Sarah Clarkson.

It says this, “If my awareness of space is concentrated on a screen, my home will reflect the absence of my attention, my creativity, and ultimately, my love.”

I think the conversation about screen time has been had many times already. How much screen time should children be allowed? Are parents too addicted to their phones? Just as we have become accustomed to doing, we scan these articles quickly, throw in our two cents in a depthless online conversation with strangers, comment about how ironic it is that we read such a piece on our phones, and move on to the next bit of information grappling for our attention.

For many, I see defenses swiftly raised, quick to defend the right to take a short break from the constant demands of parenthood. For others, pangs of guilt are expressed and then forgotten. But do we give careful, deep consideration to how this digital age is affecting our intimate relationships at home? Those who express a desire to change often feel hopeless to be able to effect it. The problem feels too big for us, too ingrained, and with so little control over the allure of the world wide web, we accept that this is the age we are living in.

But hope remains. If you haven’t heard of the Facebook page, , do visit it. Rachel, and her , are a beacon of hope for “letting go of distraction to grasp what truly matters.” Together, Rachel, Sally, and Sarah have inspired me to make the following changes in my own home.

These are not necessarily the changes you need to make, but rather this is an invitation to ponder deeply about the effects this digital age is having on you, personally, on your children individually, on your partner, on your relationships, and on your heart-to-heart connections. This is an invitation to make the changes that lead to your own best life.

1. Designate device-free times throughout the day.

I used to grab my phone and check social media before I got out of bed. Now I reach for it only to turn on instrumental music to start my day to. This is a discipline, and there are still times I must occasionally check it early for my business, but I can tell a big difference in my peace of mind and mood when I begin my day scouring the endless feeds versus listening to music, tasting my coffee, and doodling in my journal. There is also no devices during dinner or during school work (unless we are using them for educational purposes).

2. Limit the time you and your family spend on the internet.

My sons have things they like to watch online, but I only allow this between such and such times each day. Before I made this a rule, they’d want to be on it from afternoon to bedtime, and I can tell a difference in their moods as well when they’ve had too much screen time.

3. Fill up the empty spaces with connecting activities.

If you just say, “No devices after 6 pm!” and don’t give them anything to do, children will become extremely bored and push against your limit. The goal isn’t just less screen time, but more time to connect heart-to-heart, so fill those spaces with reading books aloud as a family, board games, cards, making art, dancing, making music, playing ball, etc.

4. Do things online together.

You can make screen time a connecting time if you spend it having fun with your child. Play a video game together or watch something online with your child. You should see the Minecraft castle I built. My kids were impressed.

5. Educate your children.

Not only about the dangers of being online, but also how it affects their relationships, emotions, and brains.  is about internet safety.

6. Talk to your kids.

I think every parent should read this post, called  and have this conversation with your children.

7. Check out this summit.

Join about parenting in the digital age with such respected names as Susan Stiffelman, author of Presence Parenting, and Dr. Dan Siegel, author of No-Drama Discipline.

8. Be a good role model.

The most important thing that you’ll “tell” your children about the importance of the online world is what you live.

*This article was originally published at

Rebecca Eanes, is the founder of  and creator of  She is the author of 3 books. Her newest book,, will be released on June 7, 2016 and is available for pre-order now.  and a co-authored book,  are both best-sellers in their categories on Amazon. She is the grateful mother to 2 boys. 

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7 Tips for Transitioning to Positive Parenting

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So, you’re tired of the disconnection and power struggles that traditional parenting techniques bring and you’re ready to give positive parenting an honest go, . But you’re not sure where to start. If you’re a  to positive parenting, these tips should help ease the transition.

Tip #1: Reframe Parenting Goals and Roles

It’s really helpful to get out of the mindset that you must control your child’s behavior. That’s an exhausting endeavor, and a feat you’ll never accomplish because, in the end, the only person you can ever really control is yourself. The goal of positive parenting is to raise thoughtful children with a strong sense of what is good and right and the inspiration and self-discipline to reach their highest potential.

That means your role is model, encourager, and mentor. I like to say I went from punisher to healer. Rather than punishing my child when his behavior got off track, I looked for the inner hurt that was causing his bad behavior and did my best to heal that hurt, whether it was disconnection, tiredness, hunger, or frustration.

Tip #2: Reframe Discipline

I’ve come to think of discipline in a different way. As I was trying to set a daily rhythm for our , my plans kept failing. I’d start the school year off with a bang, but several weeks in, our routine would slip, I would be less consistent with sticking to my predetermined schedule, and frustration would creep in. I realized I needed more discipline to keep a tight, consistent routine for the long haul. Did this mean I needed someone to come and sit me in a corner when I got off schedule? Of course not!

What I needed was inner motivation and better time management skills, not punishment. I think of discipline in the same way now for my children. My goal is always to teach them how to govern themselves – their emotions, spaces, time, behavior, etc. Therefore, I ask “what does he need right now to build self-discipline?” The answer has never been an arbitrary punishment.

Tip #3: Get Ahold of Yourself

This is probably the most challenging aspect of positive parenting, controlling your own thoughts, words, and actions. Old patterns are difficult to break, and you may find that you slip back into negative thinking, , or a desire to punish often.

Like everything, practice makes you better. The more you choose a helpful or positive thought over a toxic thought or to step away and take a deep breath when you’re angry, the easier it will become for your brain to take that new pathway.

Tip #4: Get Your Partner On Board

This is such a huge subject that I wrote a whole  about it. (Go ahead and pre-order it!) You can’t control your partner either, but you can inspire and influence him/her. Explain the  behind your change of parenting, your goals, and your new plan. Make sure your partner understands that this is  (a common worry I hear). Start by having a discussion to answer the following questions (taken from my book,).

1. I feel that my partner is a good parent because____.
2. I feel that my role as a parent is to ___.
3. My parents were ___ and I feel that was ___.
4. It’s most important to me for my child to be ___.

These questions provide a good jumping off point to find your common ground. I recommend posing the question and taking turns answering each one and then letting the conversation flow.    .

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