Fearless advocacy: A day in the life of a gifted child's parent

Gifted advocacy

What do you think about when you hear those words?

• Meetings with school administrators?

• Lobbying to get your gifted child identified?

• Insisting on ability grouping, enrichment or acceleration?

But battling with the schools is not the only place for advocacy; parents find themselves championing the needs of their gifted child wherever they go. Dismissive comments about gifted children are overheard as often at family reunions and the sidelines of soccer games as they are during parent-teacher conferences At first timid and uncertain, parents quickly learn that if they don't educate others about gifted children's differences, their own child will suffer.

Most parents never expected to become spokespersons for gifted children. Yet by default, they become experts, educators and ambassadors, endlessly explaining facts about giftedness to those who don't understand. They , always careful to avoid the appearance of boasting, and seamlessly reframe their child's offbeat behavior in light of gifted intellectual and social/emotional complexities. Every day can seem like a new challenge.

Here is a partial list of advocacy efforts that regularly occur in the life of a gifted child's parent:

(How many of these fit for you?)

1. Asking teachers for more complex, challenging, meaningful schoolwork (not extra homework or busy work)

2. Overcoming reluctance to tell friends and family that, yes, your child is gifted, has unique needs, and deserves accommodations in school

3. Explaining contradictory behaviors to others (why your child's immature or childlike behaviors do not negate her giftedness)

4. Meeting with school administrators to explain your child's needs and how they are not being met in the classroom or gifted pull-out program

5. Having to "apologize" for your child's "rude"  (blunt, uncensored) comments to teachers and other children ("So sorry he said the classwork was boring - I know he needs to learn tact. I guess he just wants something a little more challenging.")

6. Commenting in online forums, blogs or articles to remind others that no, not every child is gifted!

7. Explaining the difference between gifted traits and behaviors that warrant a (high energy, intense curiosity vs. ADHD; detailed, hyper focus on an area of interest vs. OCD)

8. Helping relatives, neighbors and other parents understand that your child's moods, quirks and intensities are associated with her giftedness (and are not behaviors she just does to be annoying)

9. Speaking up regularly at school board meetings to request (demand) more appropriate and necessary gifted services

10. Meeting with other parents of gifted children to form (groups, lobbying efforts with the schools, collaborative meetings with gifted supervisors)

11. Letting your young child's friends know that when he wants to play by himself, it's not because he doesn't like them; it's just because he really wants to play by himself

12. Researching alternative educational options and (online courses, subject acceleration, special projects, mentorships)

13. Learning about state-wide and nation-wide advocacy efforts and getting involved

14. Educating people you never thought you would have to inform about the complexities of giftedness: your child's teachers, pediatrician, coaches, spiritual leaders, trusted friends and family

15. Defending any accommodations offered to your child at school when others question the need for them (explaining that additional challenging work or acceleration is not a privilege or honor, but a necessity)

16. Advocating for yourself: asking for support and advice from those who understand, and letting those who don't understand know how hard it is for you

You never planned for this. No one prepared you. Yet, you are the chief proponent, enthusiast, spokesperson, defender, and champion of services for your child. It just comes with the territory. Once you about advocacy, you can move on to what is necessary.

You can make change happen.

Let us know what a day in the life of advocacy is for you in the comments
section below.


This blog is part of the Hoagies Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Gifted Advocacy. To read more blogs in this hop, visit this Blog Hop at:

For the next blog in the Gifted Advocacy Blog Hop, click on the following link:

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The Top 5 Behaviors that Cause Parents to Lose Their Cool

I have just finished a 5-part series for titled The Top 5 Behaviors that Cause Parents to Lose Their Cool (and what to do about them).

Here are the links to view them on the Creative Child Magazine website.

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The $5 Million Embarrassment: What Our Nation Is Not Doing for Its Gifted Kids (guest post with Dr. James Delisle)

Question: What’s a gifted kid worth to the federal government?

Answer: Less than the cost of a Happy Meal.

I am honored to present a guest posting from esteemed author, professor, and long-standing gifted advocate, Dr. James Delisle. Keep reading...

We’re all aware of the enormous sums of money spent to meet the needs of kids with disabilities in our nation—about $13 billion federal dollars in 2013 alone. I don’t begrudge even a penny of this expenditure—all kids deserve to have an education that meets their individual learning needs—yet while the feds have both empathy and dollars to spread around for kids with disabilities, they harbor no such dedication to gifted kids. In fact, the entirecurrent federal budget for America’s gifted kids is $5 million. Divide that number by the estimated number of gifted kids in America—2.5 million—and each of our nation’s gifted kids gets about $2 worth of support. Trying buying lunch with that, much less an education!

My new book is titled Dumbing Down America: The War on Our Nation’s Brightest Young Minds (And What We Can Do To Fight Back). Some have questioned my use of the word war as overly dramatic or exaggerated, yet what other word better describes such rampant neglect of a segment of our student population so lacking in educational efforts to move them forward? When people spout that “gifted kids are able to take care of themselves . . . let’s spend money on kids who really need the help,” they are declaring that gifted kids have no needs at all that can’t be addressed by what schools already offer to them. But after 37 years of working with gifted kids as a teacher, counselor, professor, and dad, I can assert one thing: the naysayers are wrong; gifted kids exist and their needs are as complex and important to address as are those of any other child with a special learning need. This war against gifted kids needs to end. Saving smart kids isn’t our choice, it’s our obligation.

James R. Delisle, Ph.D., has worked with gifted children and their caregivers for 37 years. He is the author of 19 books, and his latest, Dumbing Down America: The War on our Nation's Brightest Young Minds (and What We Can Do to Fight Back) is published by (www.prufrock.com).

What do you think? Is there a war against gifted children? I know that I certainly agree with Dr. Delisle's points. Let us know what you think in the comments section below.

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Mother's Time Out - Free Telesummit for YOU

Calling all Mothers!

Are you having a hard time finding downtime for yourself and your children?

Do you sometimes feel a disconnection to your kids and wonder why mothering is not how you imagined?

YOU'RE INVITED to take a !

It is time.  For Mother’s to take a Time Out.  Gather, share, learn, reflect, and make some small simple changes to transform your relationship with yourself and your children.

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15 speakers offer powerful insights to help you become the mother you want to be.

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Dangling Love

Picture this:

Sara has been very busy with the children today. She has played in the floor with her toddler, laughing, making memories. They made a car out of a cardboard box in between nursing and caring for her infant as well. The children are well taken care of and happy, but the house... Well the mess from the day's play is lying around when her husband, John, gets home. John shoots her a look of disapproval that makes her heart sink. Hasn't she been good enough, today? She goes over to connect with a hug, and he withdrawals from her. Feeling the sting of rejection, she immediately starts picking up the mess. John goes to take a shower. When he gets out, the mess is picked up, and the house looks good. He nods and gives his wife a loving hug. "This looks much better. Thank you."

What sort of feelings did this story bring up for you? How did it leave you feeling about John? About Sara? What can you deduce about their relationship from this story?

The question was posed on my recently, "If he doesn't pick up his toys, should I give him a hug as a reward?!"

Friends, love is not a reward. Hugs, attention, affection, kind words - these are not rewards to be dangled in front of a child, only given when he performs to our liking. These are a child's lifeline. They should be given without condition, without hesitation. Always.

We've developed this rather strange idea that loving children too much is bad for them, but if we offer just enough love at the right times, they will jump through hoops to get it. And they probably will, but they shouldn't have to. Withholding love and affection most certainly works to control a child because this is very real need, and they must get it met in whatever way they can, but take a moment to stop and feel the sadness that the child feels - the rejection, the feeling of needing to get it right before being worthy of love and affection.

I imagine Sara feeling a sense of relief, and even loved, once John gave her his affection and approval. I also imagine there is emotional instability and pain.

Please don't make children earn your affection. As Dr. Gordon Neufeld said, "If children want attention, then why on earth wouldn't we give it to them?"

Take a moment to watch this video in which Dr. Neufeld explains why children need to be able to rest in our love.

Too much love won't spoil. Kindness doesn't provoke poor behavior. Respect doesn't invite disrespect. This is backwards thinking which has caused us to feel trapped into being too harsh for too long. Generations of children are still searching and longing for unconditional love.

Let's make a change.

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Banish boredom from school for your gifted child

At some point, soon after gifted children start elementary school, something unexpected happens.

Boredom strikes.

It's not the typical backseat of the car are we there yet, sit through your sister's ballet recital, wait in line with mom at the grocery store boredom. That seems normal, although not without the requisite whining and complaints.

No, this is something new. Most gifted children have spent preschool and kindergarten indulging their creativity, following their muse, exploring whatever piqued their interest. But then real school starts.

It's not that school isn't boring for everyone some of the time. All of us have gone through this. But gifted children quickly realize that the degree of boredom they endure seems vastly different from what their peers experience.

• They finish papers, projects and reading much more quickly.

• They don't require the same level of repetition

• They hunger for a faster pace and greater complexity

• They see their classmates engaged in class and sometimes even struggling with assignments that are easy, and often simplistic for them.

• They may start to notice the when they ask "distracting" questions, complain they are bored, or talk too much.

This is all very puzzling. After all, enthusiasm for learning and creative exploration were encouraged a year or two ago. Now, they are told to cool their jets: wait, be patient while other kids catch up, and refrain from those pesky questions! Just when they thought they could delve into learning, like the big kids they used to admire, they find themselves standing still.

Soon their bewilderment morphs into anger, even as they settle into the classroom routine. This isn't what they expected! They would rather learn on their own, read a book, draw pictures, build Legos, or just use their imagination than reiterate facts they already know. Some go to the teacher and ask pointed questions like "why are we doing stuff we learned in preschool?" Or "why do we have to do the same thing over and over again when it's so easy?"

But most gifted children save their complaints for home. Parents get to witness their tears, angry outbursts, and refusal to complete assignments they label as "stupid" and not worth their time. After having suppressed frustration all day at school, they batter the family with misdirected anger. Parents must weather their child's disappointment and anger, limit conflict at home, provide empathy for their child's experience at school, and take care to not fuel further frustration by showing too much of their own distress. A delicate balance to achieve.

And when children cannot express frustration directly to their teacher or family, it may emerge in one of several forms:

Acting out - Some children entertain themselves by talking too much, becoming the class clown, or causing trouble in the classroom. At worst, frustration may be expressed through outright aggression - bullying, fighting, or using their advanced verbal skills to manipulate other classmates. Typically, parents receive feedback from teachers about their child's problem behaviors.

Internalizing  - These children don't show outward signs of distress, but instead, become shy, withdrawn, or develop physical symptoms, such as stomach-aches or headaches. They may become  anxious, have difficulty getting up in the morning, or refuse to go to school, citing physical complaints or vague fears. Often they fall below the radar, and teachers may not recognize their distress.

Regardless of whether the child's boredom is expressed overtly or indirectly, it can create long-lasting damage. Boredom fuels apathy, disregard for authority, underachievement, and sometimes a complete loss of interest in school. Even those gifted children who are remarkably patient and tolerate the situation are left with a distorted perception of their abilities. They may assume all academic challenges will be easy, never learn to struggle or push themselves, and fear failure. They avoid taking academic risks and may never reach their potential.

When schools are unable or unwilling to challenge gifted children, parents need to mobilize their efforts:

1. Start by asking for help.

Ask the teacher for advice. Approach him or her respectfully, , since this can be off-putting. Instead, focus on specific behaviors. Describe your child's distractibility, daydreaming, and complaints at home. (Sometimes schools are more open to ameliorating behavior problems than creating a more challenging learning environment.)  such as extending and enriching the curriculum, subject or grade , or gifted programming. If you are met with roadblocks, find out what further steps are needed .

2. Gather information.

Become informed. You need as much information about your child, your district's and , and available resources as possible. by a licensed psychologist or school psychologist. Testing provides valuable information about your child's strengths and weaknesses, and can offer concrete data that can aid in requesting additional services. Learn as much as you can about gifted children and their academic and social and emotional needs through books, websites such as , and , and even online forums such as .

3. Explore other options

Determine whether the school is the best possible fit for your child and whether other options should be considered. Sometimes a local or can provide relief and offer greater flexibility or a more challenging curriculum. Yet these options present limitations (financial or time constraints) that limit their suitability for some children and families. Public schools are free, and ideally, gifted children deserve access to an appropriate and challenging education that meets their needs.

4. Help your child adjust

You can offer ideas for coping with boredom, while still assuring your child you are advocating for change. Even when enrichment or acceleration are offered, many gifted children still endure periods of boredom. Your child benefits from learning coping skills for managing boredom at school.

• Ask the teacher for alternative activities for your child when classwork is completed; at the very least, get permission for him or her to draw or read a favorite book while the other students are still working

• Find enriching extra-curricular activities, depending on availability and your financial resources. These enhance life outside of school, although may not compensate for what the classroom lacks.

• As noted in a , you may need to help your child develop strategies for banishing boredom until the situation hopefully improves. For example, your child could learn to manage free time by coming up with more in-depth questions about the subject matter, creating a poem related to what is being taught, or composing a musical tune that fits with the reading material. 

Create a learning experience

You are your child's best role model and teach how to adapt to difficult situations through your actions. Your child will notice how readily you advocate, how respectfully you treat school staff, how strongly you push for change, and when it is appropriate to back down and accept a compromise. Children learn humility, respect, collaboration, appropriate assertiveness, and tolerance from this experience. There are no perfect solutions to addressing the dilemma of giftedness and boredom in the classroom, but you can help your child face this challenge through your caring, attentive and persistent presence.

What solutions have you found? Let us know in the comments section below.

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