How school policy affects gifted children's friendships (and what you can do about it)

When my children were in middle school, almost all classes based on ability grouping were eliminated. Besides the educational rationale for this policy, it was designed, in part, to encourage children of all abilities to interact, "learn from each other" and develop friendships.

Of course, this experiment in match-making failed miserably. Most kids gravitated toward those who were like-minded, the ones who got their jokes, the ones who saw life the same way. Social groups formed based on interests and . But, most of all, it demonstrated that true friendships cannot be engineered.

We make friends with people who get us, those who listen, empathize, share our pain, laugh along with us. We befriend those who view the world as we do, not just politically and philosophically (which can be overlooked - sometimes), but who think with the same cognitive complexity. These are fundamental and necessary components of friendship. As Deborah Ruf noted in a , research has shown that the average IQ difference between marital partners or "soul mates" spans a mere 12 points. And if adults gravitate toward those with such similar cognitive functioning, why would we assume anything would be different among children?

, Miraca Gross found that gifted young children not only seek friends who are intellectually compatible (whether the same age or older), but also are more advanced than their average ability peers along a continuum of "stages of friendship." For example, rather than just seeking a play partner, highly gifted 6-7 year-olds look for friends they can trust and truly rely upon, an expectation not typically seen until the ages of 11 or 12. Gross also noted that the gap between what gifted children are seeking and what is typically available from their same-age peers is more noteworthy among elementary school-aged children than those who are older. In other words, gifted elementary-aged children may be lonelier and have a more difficult time finding friends.

Forming friendships can be particularly daunting for gifted children because of limited opportunities in most schools. The situation is made worse when they are purposely excluded from socializing with like-minded peers. Many middle schools have eliminated ability grouped classes due to concerns that "tracking" could unfairly restrict other students from moving ahead. And ability grouping is virtually non-existent at the elementary school level. Many elementary schools have some "pull-out" programs for gifted children, but these may occur a few hours a week at best. The options for , , or even grouping an entire class with high ability students are rarely considered.

School policies that prohibit acceleration, or group children of diverse abilities into one-size-fits-all classes, rarely bridge any friendship divide. Typically, the most socially skilled children rise to the top of the social ladder, and those less socially accomplished remain on the sidelines. Since gifted children are often outliers, with unusual interests, an intense focus, and asynchronous development, they may feel out of place. At worst, extreme isolation or bullying can result.

How do gifted children react when they cannot easily find friends? Those with good self-esteem and a thick skin may be able to accept the situation without a blow to their self-image. Many, though, will suffer. Some blame themselves, and assume they are flawed, deficient, inadequate. They retreat and avoid activities and events where they might develop friendships, creating even further isolation. Others try to adapt by hiding their abilities, "dumbing themselves down" to , or purposely avoiding interests that might label them as nerds or geeks. Some may become depressed, anxious, and lose interest in school completely.

Schools can help gifted students find kindred spirits by encouraging acceleration, clustering, compacting, or ability grouping. If schools fail to provide opportunities where gifted children can find peers who think like they do, parents have several options:

1. Continue to . Insist that your child receive educational services provided along with other high ability students. Develop , and consider forming a parents advocacy group to create some leverage and strength in numbers. Approach the principal, curriculum director, school board or superintendent. Develop ideas that are cost-effective and easy to implement. No, it's not your job, but the more you can suggest that aligns with the district's budget, the more your ideas may be considered.

2. Find activities outside of school where your child can interact with like-minded peers of all ages. Workshops, clubs, hobbies, or others activities where your child can find peers with shared interests are great options. Many of these do not have to be expensive. A Lego-building group, chess club, nature exploration class, or volunteer activities are examples that are cost-effective. You can also ask the school to offer after-school activities that extend the curriculum.

3. If financially possible, workshops, classes or camps for gifted children sponsored by organizations such as , , or , for example, can be a safe haven where these children can feel understood. A comprehensive list of enrichment and summer programs can be found on the  site.

Ideally, parents and schools can work together to ensure greater opportunities for gifted children, both academically and socially. If they feel comfortable expressing who they are, supported both by teachers and peers, and can shed their fear of exclusion or bullying, gifted children and teens are more likely to flourish academically. And they may feel less alone in the world, having experienced the joys of true friendship.

This blog is part of the Hoagies Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Friendships.  To read more blogs in this hop, visit this Blog Hop at

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In Search of Friendship and Finding Peers

Many theories have been put forward and research papers written about gifted children and how they approach friendship; but it’s not complicated. They seek out their peers. People who are most like them. They might be the same age; or not. They almost certainly share common interests and enjoy each other’s company.

The idea that gifted kids are always socially awkward has been popularized in the media by television shows such as The Big Bang Theory where characters are constantly struggling with ‘fitting in’ which is not always the case. This isn't to say that making friends is always easy for gifted children; they simply view friendship and peer relationships in a different way.

Parents sometimes worry that their child does not have a large circle of friends. It should be noted that gifted children can be very selective in who they choose as friends. They may reject offers of friendship from other children based on their unique view of the world around them and self-concepts. In a recent study, it was determined that contrary to popular belief, they do not suffer from peer rejection any more than children in the general population. (Bain and Bell, 2004) They prefer to form relationships on their own terms.

As in any discussion of gifted children, levels of giftedness must be acknowledged. The ease with which these children develop friendships is often affected by their distance from the norm. Meckstroth and Kearney in Off the Charts Asynchrony and the Gifted Child state,

“Their intellectual and personality characteristics amplify their life experiences, and their differences from the norm tend to exacerbate their sense of dissonance with others.” (285)

High levels of giftedness more often than not are associated with sensitivities, introversion, perfectionism, and a sense of fairness; all factors that affect friendships.

The role of asynchronous development in finding friends can make life interesting for the gifted child but stressful for their parents. Age is often not a determining factor in who they choose as friends. A 10 year-old may feel just as comfortable discussing the latest developments in game theory with a high school student as they are playing a video game with an age-peer.

Maintaining relationships is another matter. Parents play an important role in guiding the choice of friends when their children are young. Christine Fonseca reminds us in her book, Emotional Intensity in Gifted Students:

“Relationships are difficult in the best of situations. This particularly can be true with gifted children, as the rigid nature of their thinking patterns and the overly sensitive emotional nature of their personality can cause conflict with both peers and adults. Typical relationship issues, including developing healthy friendships, bullying problems, trying to ‘fit in’ and handling peer pressure, are appropriate topics for role-playing and parent coaching.”  

There are times, of course, when your child may decide to be friends with someone you feel is a bad influence. You need to tread carefully and consider whether or not to intervene. It may be better to let your child make the decision in this case.

Ultimately, we want our children to be happy. As adults, we generally base our conception of what happiness means based on our own life experiences. Young children need guidance, but if we do our job right … they will find their path to happiness. Providing a strong foundation by modeling the formation of positive and healthy friendships will go a long way in assuring they can do the same.

Photo courtesy of

This post is part of Hoagies' Gifted Blog Hop on Friendship for August 2014. Please use the link below to access the entire list of participating blogs.

References:

Bain, Sherry K. and Bell, Sherry Mee (2004). Social Self-Concept, Social Attributions, and Peer Relationships in Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Graders Who Are Gifted Compared to High Achievers. Gifted Child Quarterly, 48, 167 – 178.

Fonseca, Christine (2011). (p. 139). Waco, Texas: Prufrock Press.

Meckstroth, Elizabeth A. and Kearney, Kathi (2013). Indecent Exposure: Does the Media Exploit Highly Gifted Children? In C. Neville, M. Piechowski & S. Tolan (Eds.), (pp. 282 – 291). Unionville, NY: Royal Fireworks Publishing Co., Inc.

Links:

 

 

 

 

 

(Abstract) 

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Wired to Connect - Discipline Shouldn't Hurt

Across many studies of mammals, from the smallest rodents all the way to us humans, the data suggests that we are profoundly shaped by our social environment and that we suffer greatly when our social bonds are threatened or severed.  When this happens in childhood it can lead to long-term health and educational problems.  We may not like the fact that we are wired such that our well-being depends on our connections with others, but the facts are the facts. - Matthew Lieberman, neuroscientist and author of  [1]

Are we being too soft on our kids? I hear that a lot - that parents are "too soft." The idea that we are supposed to be hard on children and that anything less is poor parenting is disturbing and harmful.

We understand about the human brain, connection, attachment, and the value of relationship much more now than ever. We know that the relationship we have with our children affects their development, literally wiring their brains.

Let's go to a little, because it's important to understand a little bit about how the brain works in order to understand why child discipline needs to change.

I'm no doctor or neuroscientist, so I'm going to directly quote one here. This is from Amy Banks, M.D., director of Advanced Training at the at the Wellesley Centers for Women; instructor of Psychiatry at Harvard Medical School; and author of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: Relationships and Brain Chemistry.

Neuroscience is confirming that our nervous systems want us to connect with other human beings. A good example of this is mirror neurons, which are located throughout the brain and help us read other people's feelings and actions. They may be the neurological underpinnings of empathy - when two people are in conversation they are stimulating each other's mirror neuron system. Not only will this lead to movement in similar muscles of the face (so the expressions are similar) but it also allows each to feel what the other is feeling. This is an automatic, moment to moment resonance that connects us. There have been studies that look at emotions in human beings such as disgust, shame, happiness, where the exact same areas of the brain light up in the listener who is reading the feelings of the person talking. We are, literally, hardwired to connect. [2]

This is really interesting in the context of the parent-child relationship when we look at mirror neurons. Think about what happens with those mirror neurons when you scowl, slap, smack, or yell at your child. As their brain searches to read your feelings and actions, it begins to light up in those same areas - irritation, anger, aggression, and frustration.  However, what lights up in their brains when you approach them with softness, gentleness, and empathy?

The distress of social pain is biologically identical to the distress of physical pain. What causes social pain in the context of the parent-child relationship? Rejection. Isolation. Dr. Banks explains:

I believe that one of the seminal studies that supports a relational neurobiology is something called SPOT (Social Pain Overlap Theory.) A group of researchers at UCLA, looked at the overlap between social pain and physical pain. They designed a benign computerized experiment that gradually excluded people from a multi-player game. What they found was the area that lit up in the brain for that kind of social rejection—the anterior cingulate—was the exact same area that lights up for the distress of physical pain. So the distress of social pain is biologically identical to the distress of physical pain. Most people in our culture understand that physical pain is a major stressor, but we often reject the idea of social pain. [2]

When asked if this can impact a person's physical health as well, Dr. Banks says:

Yes, being pushed out of social relationships and into isolation has health ramifications. In fact, there was a book done by health advocate Dr. Dean Ornish, called Love and Survival. There has been study after study done on the positive impact of loving relationships. What he had said at the time in that book was that if we had a drug that did for our health what love does, it would far outsell anything that has ever been made. The efficacy is that potent. But we downplay the importance of love and connection in a culture based on the success of “the rugged individual.” People in our culture need to understand that healthy connection can reduce pain on all levels. [2]

Yes, we are a culture that downplays love and connection and . We train our children by use of pain; either physical pain or social pain. Which is really quite a paradox as children don't learn well through pain. The fear created by being hit or feeling the threat of disconnection from a primary attachment figure triggers the fight or flight response. By it's very nature, this bypasses the rational mind and puts people in attack mode, thereby inhibiting learning.

Why are we having such difficulty in letting go of tough discipline? There's a scientific answer for that as well. The idea that pain or discomfort should accompany lessons is still deeply rooted in our culture, and though the tides are slowly turning as the evidence against it continues to pile in, the use of physical or social pain is still the main method of disciplining children. Dr. Michael Shermer says this:

We form our beliefs for a variety of subjective, personal, emotional, and psychological reasons in the context of environments created by family, friends, colleagues, culture, and society at large; after forming our beliefs we then defend, justify, and rationalize them with a host of intellectual reasons, cogent arguments, and rational explanations... Once beliefs are formed the brain begins to look for and find confirmatory evidence in support of those beliefs, which adds an emotional boost of further confidence in the beliefs and thereby accelerates the process of reinforcing them, and round and round the process goes in a positive feedback loop of belief confirmation.

Dr. Shermer outlines the numerous cognitive tools our brains engage to reinforce our beliefs as truths and to insure that we are always right.[3]

Basically, we have formed our belief in tough discipline because our families, friends, and culture still support it, and once we have formed that belief, we keep looking to justify it, so we disregard the scientific evidence that proves us wrong. Some of us, of course, are open and receptive to this "new" information, and while I'm sure there's a fascinating scientific explanation for that as well, spiritually I feel that many of us are being led to this path of love and connection.

Blah blah neuroscience. What do I DO?
I knew you were going to ask that. Instant messaging, fast food, magic pills - we like instant gratification, which is another reason smacking and time out are so popular. One thwap and the kid stops immediately. Easy. Instilling real self-discipline takes more time and effort, just like calling a friend up for a chat, preparing a nutritious meal, or exercising regularly, but the payoff is greater. Here are some tips for putting away the tough discipline and teaching through connection.

Before Misbehavior:

Build your relationship. This is the foundation and you can't build anything until you have this. How? Start where you are. If your child is an infant, build trust by responding to cries quickly and with empathy. Bond by lots of talking, touch, and eye contact. If you have a young child, play is the key to connection. Spend quality time every day entering your child's world, connecting through play and stories and snuggles. Learn their . With older children, get to know them, really know them - what they like and dislike, how they feel about things, what makes them excited, what they are passionate about. Talk with them, not to them. In all stages, model the behavior you want from your child. Showing them how to be is more powerful than telling them how to be.

Teach proactively. Don't wait for an issue to arise before you teach your child. Teach about handling emotions and life situations through play, when everyone is calm and happy. Use toys to act out scenarios. Role play. Practice at home things like eating in a restaurant or sitting through a service or class. Put on a puppet show to raise awareness about bullying or some other issue your child will face. Look through magazines and point out faces and talk about the emotions of those people. Talk about what you watch on television or what they heard at grandma's house. Teach them calm-down techniques like deep breathing before they get angry. Children are more receptive to lessons when calm, and engaging through play enhances learning.

During Misbehavior:

Remove your child from the situation. If he hit his friend, take him to a private area and get him to calm down. Figure out what prompted him to hit. The action is a clue. Find out what it's pointing to and look for the solution. He may need more emotion coaching, tools to calm himself, a nap, or some food. Hitting him to teach him not to hit isn't the answer.

Is your tween giving you attitude? Walk away. Refuse to be talked to disrespectfully. That doesn't mean you start talking to her disrespectfully to teach her that lesson - that's counterproductive. Simply "I won't be talked to like this. I'll be happy to talk with you when you can be respectful."

Did your child bring home terrible grades and you know he didn't try? It's a problem that needs a solution. Talk with him. Sure, taking his electronics away will make you look pretty powerful, but how does it teach him study skills or motivate him to make better grades? Is he facing a problem at school? Is he being bullied? Is he struggling in a relationship at home? Does he need a tutor? Is he suffering from low self-esteem? Find the root of the problem and work on correcting it. It takes more work than removing electronics, but you won't always be there to take his stuff away. He needs to learn how to manage himself.

Is your daughter whining? Whining is a more mature form of crying, and while it can be very grating on the nerves, it's a signal of a deeper issue. Ignoring the child might make whining stop temporarily, but you need to know why she's whining in the first place. Does she feel powerless? Maybe she needs more choices. Is she overtired? Adjust bedtime.

After Misbehavior:

The hitting scene is over, your child's brain is now regulated (calm), now you teach. Refer to "Before the Misbehavior." Tween's attitude is better? She's now ready to talk respectfully? Refer to "Before the Misbehavior." The child with the bad grades? Follow up with him and his teacher. The way you do that really depends on what you found out was the reason behind the bad grades in the first place. When you come from a place of teaching rather than controlling, you'll know what to do. Whining over? Teach her about communication skills and strong voices.

Quick Summary:

1. Connect! Build your relationship. Build trust. Be on the same team. Work with, not against.

2. Misbehavior is communication. What is it saying? Look for the problem causing the misbehavior. Dr. Neufeld says, "The guiding principle of the incident is to do no harm." . Correction doesn't need to be snappy or harsh. Also, it is helpful to approach it with the idea of building up rather than tearing down. Try "I see you're very angry. I'm going to take you to our calm place so you don't hurt your brother. I know you wouldn't want to hurt him. You're a really good sister." Or "Wow, you must be upset to speak to me like that. It's not like you to be disrespectful. Let's talk when you're feeling ready." Or simply "The walls are covered in marker. Here, use this to wipe it off."

3. After you get through the incident, move back into connection and teaching. Show them how to repair relationships and forgive others by modelling it now.

As you can see, positive parenting is quite the opposite of permissive parenting. It is highly involved, proactive parenting. The answers aren't always clear and easy. A good guiding principle: How does this affect our relationship?

Resources:
[1]  http://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-we-are-wired-to-connect/
[2] http://www.wcwonline.org/2010/humans-are-hardwired-for-connection-neurobiology-101-for-parents-educators-practitioners-and-the-general-public
[3] http://www.michaelshermer.com/the-believing-brain/

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Top 5 Misconceptions about Gifted Students … and setting the record straight!

Many articles have been written about the misconceptions surrounding gifted students, but I want to address the top 5 which I feel are the most detrimental to the fulfillment of potential of gifted students.

#5 Gifted students don’t do the work they’re assigned. It’s a waste of my time to differentiate.

True. Gifted students often balk at work given them which they already mastered years before. Instead of using this as an excuse for not giving them meaningful and challenging work, consider first why this is happening. Expecting a gifted student to do something simply because an adult tells them to do it or because everyone else has to won’t work.  It simply won’t.

Consider this … a gifted child may learn to tell time before she even starts preschool. In kindergarten, she dutifully sits in class and listens to the teacher explain how to tell time. It’s fun. Her hand goes up every time the teacher asks, “What time does the clock say?”

Classroom Clock*

She’s proud of herself. Her classmates bestow praise on her. In first grade, she remains patient and answers questions when asked directly; but begins to notice her classmates whispering. In second grade, it’s no longer fun and she begins to wonder how many more times she’ll have to hear the explanation. She’s beginning to get annoyed with her classmates. Why can’t they get it and move on? Third grade brings with it exasperation and she notes the agitation in her teacher’s voice because she isn't paying attention. By fourth grade, she can no longer hide her boredom and begins to complain to her parents about why she has to go to school at all? And so it goes …

Students are asked to do specific assignments in the expectation that they will learn from them. If they already know the material, of what value is it? For them, it becomes ‘busy work’; work without purpose. Gifted students need a good reason to do the work. As the years go by, it only gets worse.

#4 Gifted students are already where they should be.

Where might that be? Proficient? Advanced? Who is to say what is standard for the gifted student? How is intellectual growth measured for someone who has reached the ceiling on all the standardized tests they are given?

Kids go to school to learn or that’s what we tell them. But what if they aren't learning anything? And who cares? All children should end the school year at a point reflective of their time spent in the classroom showing real growth.

This is particularly difficult in the test-driven climate that prevails in so many schools today. More emphasis is mistakenly placed on closing the achievement gap rather than realizing the inherent problems of ignoring the excellence gap. In fact, most educators do not distinguish between the two.

Image courtesy of  

It only takes a cursory view of international assessments to realize that the present system simply isn't working for countries like the U.S. Fundamental changes must be made to how education in its most basic form is perceived by those who teach and those who determine policy. Ignoring the needs of students who are identified as gifted and those who should be identified but are not because of prejudicial attitudes about the very nature of giftedness is reflected in the mediocre performance on these assessments.

#3 Gifted students are the responsibility of the gifted teacher/specialist.

In the best case scenario where a gifted resource teacher even exists, how often do gifted students see them? Unless your school has a stand-alone program, this may happen only once a week or less at the elementary level. At the secondary level, it may never happen. So … on which day of the week are they gifted?

In schools where full inclusion is in place, this may even be a non-starter. Gifted children find themselves in classrooms with teachers who have never had any instruction or professional development in gifted education in their entire careers. Priority has been given to dual-certification with special education in most undergraduate programs today; programs totally devoid of any reference to the needs of gifted students.

#2 Teachers don’t have time to work with gifted students.

Dear Mrs. Conrad,

I have 23 other students in my class to worry about. I don’t have time to work individually with your child. His grades are fine. Why are you pushing him?

Your child’s 3rd grade teacher***

The day that email arrived in my inbox, I began to understand that things were not going to be fine. And sadly, I was right. My response was less than professional and not exactly how I would advise other parents today to respond … but I do know how frustrating it can get when your child’s teacher does not see that they have needs that aren't being met.

There is a difference between not ‘having’ the time and not ‘taking’ the time. When my child began to engage in attention-seeking behaviors, teachers and administrators suddenly found time to address the situation. Unfortunately, by then it was too late.

With the emergence of technological advances in the classroom and the ubiquitous availability of global perspectives and free professional development online, finding the time is much easier than it once was to meet the needs of gifted students.

Technological Advances**

#1 It is elitist to give gifted students opportunities that other students don’t get.

I worked in special education for 12 years. Never once did I hear complaints about our kids going on field trips or having extended computer time when the classroom teacher was overwhelmed by her regular education students. Not once. Not ever.

It is detrimental to the well-being of our children not  to provide opportunities for them to be mentally stretched whenever possible. It is widely recognized that the most effective education is an individualized one. The ‘elitist’ argument is only an excuse to deny students an appropriate education based on their needs.

Parenting gifted children is hard work! It requires you to know and understand the nuanced sentiments of educators who may not fully support your efforts to advocate for the best possible education for your child. Enabling conversation rather than stifling it will benefit your child. Being prepared with answers to the misconceptions that surround the nature of gifted students will be a step in the right direction.

Image courtesy of

* Photo courtesy of .
** Photo courtesy of .

***Of course, not all teachers approach their jobs this way … but I did keep the email. So, no need to send me the ‘I can’t believe a teacher would say that’ comments.

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What hidden emotions complicate parenting a gifted child?

What hinders parenting your gifted child? Yes, the usual...time, money, a limited school system, lack of support.

But are there other hidden barriers that we, ourselves, create? Despite our best intentions, can underlying feelings interfere with our child's emotional well-being or academic success?

Parents often experience emotions ranging from excitement to confusion to anxiety . And many feel frustrated and helpless when their child's or the school fails to provide educational resources. These reactions are shared by most parents of gifted children.

But sometimes more complicated emotions creep in. Parents need to dig deeper and explore what is often unspoken: those dark, nagging unconscious wishes and fears that lie just beneath the surface, feelings that ultimately influence how we treat our children.

Frequently ignored and sometimes unconscious, those "darker" emotions and behaviors can interfere with parenting. Envy, shame, bitterness, regret, and guilt are no stranger to most parents of gifted children. Competitive strivings, overinvolvement, projection of hopes and dreams, and ambivalence also may come into play. These attitudes, feelings and behaviors may influence decisions without your full understanding. Eventually, though, awareness starts to develop, whether through self-reflection, comments from others, or even confrontation from your child.

This additional difficult aspect of the gifted parenting journey - the sobering jolt of reality when hidden emotions surface - may completely take you by surprise. It can smack you in the face and send you reeling.

It is human nature to avoid self-reflection, especially when what you are facing is unpleasant. By digging deeper, though, and truly understanding your feelings and motivations, you can gain perspective and forestall behaviors that might create problems for you and your child.  The first step is honest self-appraisal. Here is a list of statements/questions. Don't hold back. Check as many as apply.

____  I sometimes feel jealous of other children who receive greater recognition for their accomplishments, and feel they don't really deserve it as much.

____  I am embarrassed by my child's social behaviors (e.g., acting different from other children his age, not fitting in, having unusual interests).

____  I sometimes wish she were "normal" and did not require so much extra time and effort.

____  I push my child to succeed well beyond his wishes.

____  I sometimes think my child's behavior (e.g., underachievement, perfectionism, social discomfort) was prompted by subtle messages I might have conveyed without realizing it.

____  I want my child to be the best and always be number one, surpassing her classmates and friends.

____  I sometimes wonder if my desire for my child to succeed is because of my own unfulfilled dreams, or pressures I felt from my own family.

____  I have become completely immersed in my child's activities and goals, much more than other parents are with their children.

____  I deeply resent that other families seem to have better opportunities and that my child has fewer chances to succeed.

____  I know I have mixed feelings about my child's abilities; I am proud of her, but often wish she would just be a popular kid with "normal" interests.

____  I realize deep down that I am especially thrilled about my child's abilities because it makes me feel better about myself.

____ I feel guilty that I have not done more to push my child to succeed, have not advocated enough, or taken more time out of my schedule to educate him.

____  I worry that my child will be a nerdy kid and adult, and will never have many friends.

____  I expect my child to accomplish a lot, since he has opportunities I never could have imagined.

Difficult statements to consider. What were your reactions as you answered them? Did they evoke any feelings? It takes honesty and courage to admit to these thoughts and emotions. It is hard to admit to feeling jealousy, bitterness and fear. It is hard to admit to competitive feelings toward other children. It is hard to admit that your own personal needs, wishes, and dreams can become entangled in what is best for your child. Yet all of the above statements reflect thoughts and emotions commonly experienced by parents of gifted children. You are not alone if you responded to one, two or even all of the above statements.

Awareness makes it more difficult to behave unconsciously or act in a manner that is counterproductive for your child. Awareness pushes you to take stock in your viewpoint and appreciate that it may not be appropriate. It creates an impetus to change behaviors, find another way of coping, or challenge long-standing beliefs that no longer hold true.

It is natural to want to run to the nearest exit: to flee, ignore, dismiss, minimize or rationalize away these feelings. Some parents feel so much shame about their emotions that addressing them at all is impossible. Others may become defensive and deny that there is a problem. Still others may doubt themselves and their abilities as parents. Acceptance that these thoughts and emotions are commonplace and understandable is critical. Shame, defensiveness and insecurity blur the picture and make it more difficult to move past these feelings and behaviors.

Ask yourself the following:

1. Do I subscribe to any of the thoughts, attitudes, and feelings from the list above?

2. Do I understand the basis for these feelings and beliefs (e.g., family pressure, insecurity, anxiety)?

3. Can I accept, without shame, that it is commonplace and understandable to have these feelings?

4. Can I develop alternative strategies, coping skills and behaviors that are more appropriate?

If you cannot answer these four questions, you may need to seek support from family, friends, or a therapist. You can also gain perspective and validation from parenting advocacy groups in your school community or even . Again, the more you understand your own motives, the more you can support your child. (More to come about emotions and parenting in future blog posts.)

What has been your experience with emotions and self-awareness
as a parent? Please share any thoughts in the comments section below.

This blog post has been part of a blog tour sponsored by SENG for .

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Gifted as a Global Experience

Global Experience*

“The emerging era is characterized by the collaboration innovation of many people working in gifted communities, just as innovation in the industrial era was characterized by individual genius.”  – Irving W. Berger, chairman, IBM**

Through the advent of social media, what once was a disparate group of national and regional organizations is now coalescing into a global gifted community connected by the desires and hopes of its leaders to press forward in advocacy for all gifted learners worldwide. In the process, it was realized that giftedness has no boundaries … its existence is universal and divergent at the same time. It crosses all socio-economic and ethnic lines; geographic borders; and ideological preconceptions.

Connecting Globally*

One of the most exciting developments of the 21^st century has been our ability to communicate with others in our ‘tribe’ without respect to language barriers or time zones. This blog is read in over 100 countries thanks to a universal translator added at the suggestion of a friend in Vietnam. Thanks to the Internet it is available 24/7 with a connection via a computer or mobile device.

Opportunities to connect are not limited to online connections. Conferences afford members of the gifted community to on occasion join the conversation in real life via previous virtual interactions. It is an empowering experience to meet and interact with community members face to face after months and years of ‘knowing’ each other only online. Keynote addresses are always inspirational and session presentations provide a wealth of information on gifted children and gifted education.

Online Connections*

For those who may not have a nearby or readily available conference to attend, there are weekly chats on Twitter, virtual professional development sessions to build personal learning networks, Google Hangouts and webinars for parents, educators and academics. The idea of re-inventing the wheel and the feeling of isolation become distant memories in this new world of inter-connectedness. Networking has never been so accessible!

Want to know how to get started? Below I have included resources to provide you with a myriad of ways to connect to like-minded parents and educators around the world. Let’s take a look at some of the networks available to you.

In the U.S., there are several national and numerous state organizations which offer the benefits of membership and annual conferences. National conferences are available from:

 Some of the state conferences include:

(Check your state gifted organization for a conference in your area.)

Other national and international conferences include:

•  

Do you represent or belong to an organization who values parent participation? Add your link in the comments below. Together we can further the global collaboration of the gifted community. 

* Photo courtesy:  

** via Gifted Children Forum Malaysia 

This post is part of SENG's .

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Erupting Ice!

What happens when you mix water and baking soda and then freeze it? You get lovely ice blocks to stack and play with. 

So, then what happens when you spray vinegar on them?

Cool science on a hot summer day. :)

I wonder what happens if you add salt and sprinkles? 

"It looks like a rainbow swirl, mom!"

I was out of food coloring that day but rainbow erupting ice would be awesome!

Have a playful day!

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Dumbing Down America ~ An Interview with Dr. James Delisle

is the newest book from . He recently agreed to an interview with us about the book. 

GPS: For our readers who are not familiar with your work, can you tell us a little about your background in gifted education?

Dr. Delisle: I began my career in New Hampshire, as a teacher of children with intellectual and emotional disabilities way back in 1975.  Special Ed. was just emerging as the force that it is today, so it was exciting to be in on what was then a new trend in education.  My introduction to gifted children came in the form of one of my 5th graders who had been identified as "emotionally disturbed."  Try as I might to get Matt interested in schoolwork, nothing much seemed to work.  He was a bright kid--he could read, write, do math, etc.--but I was focused so much on his misbehaviors and apparent lack of interest that I never considered using his talents as a way to reach his mind and heart.  Finally, in total desperation and with my bag of educational tricks empty, I decided to stop fighting Matt and to toss the instructional ball into his court.  This kid loved the outdoors and was interested in maple sugar farming--a project that involved much of his free time outside of school--so that became the vehicle I used to reach this unreachable kid.

Maple Sugar Farming*

Within days of aligning Matt's out-of-school interests with my goals as his teacher, he began to progress, perform and take pride in his work. After two years of teaching Matt, and seeing his success when schoolwork aligned with his interests and intellect, I decided I needed to know more about teaching kids like him. So, I began a Ph.D. program in gifted child education, focusing on kids like Matt--gifted boys and girls who didn't do well in school because school didn't do well by them.  I've been in this field of study ever since, as a teacher, professor, counselor, author and dad.

Dr. Delisle with students

GPS: The use of a ‘war’ metaphor in the title of your new book seems to indicate you have very strong feelings on the subject. What inspired you to write this book at this time?

Dr. Delisle: The subtitle of my book is "The War on Our Nation's Brightest Young Minds (and What We Can Do to Fight Back)".  To be sure, those are strong words--intentionally strong, on my part.  Having worked in this field of study for 37 years, I've grown tired of the small steps and meager progress that we have made as a nation to serve our gifted children.  Gifted children have educational, intellectual and emotional needs that differ from other kids their age who are developing in more typical ways--but we ignore these needs.  If, as a nation, we really thought that gifted kids had special needs, then why haven't we included them in federal funding formulae as we do for kids with disabilities?  In 2013, the federal budget for children with disabilities was $12.9 billion.  For gifted kids?: a whopping $5 million.  If you assume that 3% of our nation's K-12 children are gifted, that comes to about 2.5 million gifted kids in America--which means they get $2 of federal money each to address their needs.  A Happy Meal costs more than that!  The use of the term "War" in my book's title is neither hyperbole or exaggeration; it's just an honest admission that, as a nation, we choose to disregard the needs of gifted kids who need more than $2 of support each year. Indeed, it is a battle in local, state and federal educational venues to even get people to admit that gifted kids need opportunities to pursue learning at their own pace.  The budget cuts nationwide to gifted programs have been so dramatic in the past decade that it constitutes educational neglect.

"The use of the term "War" in my book's title is neither hyperbole or exaggeration; it's just an honest admission that, as a nation, we choose to disregard the needs of gifted kids who need more than $2 of support each year."

GPS: The idea of ‘dumbing down’ has serious implications for society as a whole. What do you see as the consequences for America if this trend is not reversed?

Dr. Delisle: What happens if we don't stop dumbing down our educational options for gifted kids? We're seeing the results already: our nation's stature as an educational powerhouse is in shambles when compared to many of our international neighbors.  But more important than international test score comparisons is the personal cost paid by gifted kids who are told, in effect, that they don't need anything special to excel; that their enhanced abilities and insights are not worth our attention; that sitting in a class with kids of lesser abilities will tamp down the egos of gifted kids and make them more sympathetic to students who struggle to learn; that giftedness is a myth because "everyone is gifted in some way."  The ridiculous bias against gifted kids in our nation's schools emanates from so-called educational visionaries whose sight is hampered by the gauzy lens of professional ignorance. By paying scant attention to the needs of gifted kids, we are squandering a resource that will make our nation less competitive, less meaningful, less respectful.

"By paying scant attention to the needs of gifted kids, we are squandering a resource that will make our nation less competitive, less meaningful, less respectful."

GPS: What responsibility does the gifted community (parents, educators, organizations) bear with regard to the state of gifted education today?

Dr. Delisle: What responsibility does the gifted community have in regard to the state of gifted child education today?  Part of the reason the field of gifted child education has not progressed much in 30 years is due to the infighting that occurs in this field of study.  While some people contend that gifted children should be identified and served in gifted programs, others find the "gifted" label off-putting and want to eliminate it completely.  Silly as it sounds, we can't even agree on a common definition of giftedness or how to identify it. Some want to equate giftedness with eminence and developed talents, while others desire a more holistic approach to giftedness that encompasses social and emotional elements, not just intellectual factors. And even if, by some miracle, we could arrive at a consensus of what giftedness is, we'd still argue as to how educational services should be delivered.  The state and national organizations that promote the needs of gifted children, and the professionals who write the books and espouse their theories, would do gifted kids a big favor if they could fight less and cooperate more.

Dr. Delisle

GPS: What do you propose to change course in this war on our nation’s brightest youth?

Dr. Delisle: So what do I advocate that we do to stop the dumbing down?  Here are some ideas worth considering: 

• First, we need to provide the same legislative protection for gifted kids that we give to students with disabilities.  It should make common sense that if you are in either the top or bottom 3% of intellectual abilities compared to others your age, you will have some unique needs that demand more than the standard curriculum.                                                            
• Second, we need to make a national financial commitment to gifted children that explores everything from effective measures of student identification to best practices in instruction, to longitudinal studies that show us what works and what doesn't. In my book, I elaborate extensively on how an outlay of $400 million over a five-year period could change the landscape for gifted children in America. This plan, developed by one of my personal heroes and one of our field's finest contributors, , would be a game changer for anyone concerned about addressing the needs of gifted kids.                      
• A third suggestion I discuss is to take some of the absurd amount of money that we spend annually of high-stakes testing and use those funds for something that actually helps kids and teachers.  The billions of dollars and countless classroom hours spent on assessment are robbing all children, gifted or not, of precious resources that are more vital to learning.

In my book, I review other areas we need to address--for example, defining giftedness once and for all; re-establishing elementary-grade "pull-out" programs; and admitting that the promise of differentiated instruction as the primary plan for serving gifted children is an ineffective, cheap way out for schools to pay lip service to meeting gifted children's needs. Addressing these steps will not ensure a perfect world for America's gifted kids, but it'd be a fine start.  As I conclude in Dumbing Down America, saving gifted kids isn't our choice--it's our obligation.

Thank you, Dr. Delisle, for taking the time to do this interview. Dumbing Down America is available now from . Please check out the links below to Dr. Delisle's work in gifted education.

(Note: This post was cross-posted on the Global #gtchat Powered by TAGT Blog.)

Books by Dr. James R. Delisle:

(with Robert Schultz)

(with  Judy Galbraith)

A full list may be found .

Videos with Dr. James R. Delisle:

 

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