Advocating for the Twice-Exceptional Child

Life with a twice-exceptional child - gifted with a learning disability/difference - can be enormously rewarding and at the same time extremely frustrating when attempting to advocate for an education that meets all their needs.

Perhaps the biggest challenge is circumventing the prevalent mind-set of many school administrators and educators these days who simply do not believe twice-exceptional children exist. It has become increasingly disturbing to read articles in major media outlets that our children are simply spoiled brats who need a little discipline like in the ‘old days’.

Here’s an idea: . Then, ask them to tell you again why your child does not have special needs. A simple conversation with one of these kids can be quite revealing. The breadth and depth of their knowledge can suddenly be overshadowed by their inability to complete a thought after being distracted by … well, by just about anything.

A recent study reported in Gifted Child Quarterly (Vol 59 No 2 April 2015), "The Advocacy Experiences of Parents of Elementary Age, Twice-Exceptional Children", found that parents of twice-exceptional children fight an uphill battle throughout their child’s school years. Only after educating themselves about school policies and learning how to use appropriate educational terminology when talking to school officials did they have any success; often sacrificing any sense of working ‘with’ the school. They found that rarely did school personnel act in the best interest of the child. Parents eventually lost faith in the system and simply did their best to monitor their child’s school for compliance of any meager accommodations gained in the advocacy process.

"Parents felt that school officials were not living up to their professional responsibilities, and feared that one advocacy error on the parents’ part could potentially impede their child’s future." (GCQ 59 (2) p. 114)

This scenario accurately reflects not only my own personal experiences but those of most of the parents I have worked with over the last 15 years. Lack of information, cooperation and education combine to make advocacy a daunting task. ; abandoned by a system they once placed so much value in and are suddenly faced with the reality that it simply doesn't work for everyone – certainly not for their children.

Advocating for the twice-exceptional child is like a never-ending story filled with disingenuous gestures from school officials and lack of respect for parents. Ask any parent who has walked this path and the tales reflect an eerie similarity. Few have happy endings.  Perseverance, tenacity, and a thick skin become indispensable life-skills for these parents.   

Parents in the above-mentioned GCQ study were driven by a longing that ultimately their child would achieve happiness, and become a self-sufficient and productive member of society. There was, however, a disconcerting sense that ultimately their child’s disability would over-shadow their potential.

When giftedness is identified, the disability is often ignored. In other cases, the disability may render a request for identification of giftedness unattainable. And to add insult to injury, parents who obtain an official diagnosis from private non-school professionals often find that the results are unacceptable in most school districts.

Parents are not the only ones who can benefit from further education. School administrators and teachers who take the time to learn about twice-exceptionality are found to be more empathetic and willing to develop a collaborative relationship with parents. The GCQ article references research (many listed below) conducted over more than two decades which firmly establishes that a child can be both gifted and have a learning disability.

How can this situation be improved? What has to change? Well, for starters, the well-being of each individual child needs to be front and center. They are not simply reflections of data mined from results. One-size-fits all education plans do not work with these kids. Identification of giftedness cannot supplant the necessity of accommodating any co-existing learning disabilities.

And finally, progress will only be made when and strive for true collaboration, to provide the child with a beneficial educational experience that prepares them for a fulfilling life.

What has been your experience in advocating for your child?Share your thoughts in the comment section below.

This post is a part of this month's Hoagies' Blog Hop: 2ekids. Please check out the other blogs by clicking on the link below!

References from GCQ Article:

 

(pdf) 

(pdf) 

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(pdf) 

(pdf) 

(pdf) 

Additional Resources:

(pdf) from the Colorado Dept. of Education 

(pdf) Canada 

(pdf) from the NEA 

(pdf) from the Virginia Dept. of Education 

(Tolan) 

(Position Statement from the NAGC) 

(pdf) (Davidson Institute for Talent Development) 

 

(Amazon) by Jen Merrill and GHF Press 

Photo Courtesy of  

Photo Courtesy of    

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Why I'm Not Toughening Up My Children

A common theme I've noticed in the parenting community in my 5 years of running a popular  and  is that many parents are very concerned about “preparing children for the real world.” I get that. We are living in a harsh and oftentimes cruel world that does not revolve around my child or yours. So, it seems to some that the best way to prepare them for the harsh realities of the world is to let them face harshness in childhood. This will toughen them up and make them ready. It sounds like a reasonable plan, but don't count me in.

The truth is, I don't have a one-size-fits-all plan. I can't make blanket statements like, “I will never bring my child his forgotten lunch” or “I won't save him from disappointments in life.” My children are unique individuals at developmentally different stages, and I think that's the missing equation in most parenting “formulas” or “methods.” All of our children are unique individuals, and we have to treat them according to their needs, personality, and stage of development, not by hasty generalizations about what makes children prepared for adulthood.

Let's look at how development and personality come into play:

Because I understand that executive functions are not fully developed in a young child, I would certainly take a forgotten lunch to school for my 8-year-old, if I was able to do so, and not fear that he would need me to bring him lunches forever. My frontal lobe is fully developed, and yet I forget things sometimes. I hope that my family is courteous enough to be there for me when I need them, and so I will be there for them. Allowing him to go hungry or be forced to eat food he dislikes might make him remember his lunch, but he's going to also remember the lack of courtesy and kindness shown to him.

If it's the fourth time this week my 8 year old forgot his lunch, then we need to assess what the problem is and find a solution. I don't allow problems to go unsolved, but the solution doesn't have to leave anyone feeling helpless, alone, unheard, or unloved.

Because I understand that one of my sons is , I will not let rude words said to him go unchecked, and I will not let him go undefended. Words hurt him more than they hurt the average child. He soaks them in, deep down into his being, and sitting idly by while another child on the playground says hurtful words isn't going to teach him to “deal with it.” I will practice with him over and over again how to deal with playground bullies and even rude adults who show no respect to children, and if a situation arises where I see he is having trouble, he can count on me to come to his aid. I would hope someone would come to mine.

Will I always come to the rescue?

Not always. ...

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Raising Happy Siblings - A Q&A with Dr. Laura Markham

It is my privilege and honor to welcome Dr. Laura Markham to positive-parents.org today. Dr. Markham's page, , was the resource that turned my life around several years ago.  She has been a continual source of inspiration and wisdom to me on my own parenting journey. Her book, , stays by my bed for reference, and her new book, , is sure to join it there.

A couple of weeks ago, I asked my readers to submit questions about siblings to Dr. Markham, and I randomly chose 9 of those to submit to her. Today, she has answered those questions for you, and I'm happy to share with you her gentle wisdom.

1. My oldest daughter (6) and second daughter (3) often fight as siblings do. My concern is that the older can throw a huge tantrum and the younger will just give in to whatever the older is wanting. How do I encourage the younger to have a voice and the oldest to calm herself and be more thoughtful, or at least willing to work towards a collaborative solution? - Kari S.

This is a very common dilemma. When they get into a spat, you can restore safety and validate both positions, by saying "Wow! I hear loud voices....It sounds like you two are having a hard time....Can you calm down and tell me about it?  Let's work together to work this out."

Then, your oldest will explain why she is right, and you can acknowledge her view: "So you think you should play the game this way."

When your youngest "gives in" you can coach her to stand up for herself: "A few minutes ago, it sounded like you really wanted to play the game a different way....It's okay to disagree....Everyone is allowed to have their own opinion...We can work it out....Can you tell your sister what you want?"

With you there, the older sister will listen to the younger along with you. Then you acknowledge her view, just as you did her sister's: "So you think you should play the game that way."

Then, you define the problem: "So we have two girls who want to play together -- that's great! But you have two different ideas of how to play the game. What can we do to solve this?"

Then, you take them through the problem-solving approach that is outlined in Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings. The short version is that you help them brainstorm and agree on something that works for both of them.

Of course, to make this work, you have to stay calm yourself, and resist acting like your older daughter is wrong!

2. Our second child is due in July, and our first daughter will only be 17 months, still a baby herself. How can we ensure that she does not feel abandoned or replaced, that we continue to meet all of her needs, and that our bond with her stays as strong as ever, while also ensuring that she creates a strong bond with her new sibling? - Nancy S.

The first step is remembering what you know now -- she is still a baby herself. She will look very big compared to the new infant, but she really will still be a baby, and deserves your nurturance. 

The second step, before the baby comes, is to be sure that your little girl is comfortable with both parents. There will be times when you can't put her to bed, for instance, because you have to be with your infant. It's also a good idea before the baby comes to prepare a stash of special sensory bags and boxes for her, that you can pull out when you sit down to feed the baby. Most new mothers say that feeding time is when their older child becomes unmanageable, so its worth it to have plenty of simple distractions ready, so you can rotate through them.

Once the baby is born, try to make sure that your daughter gets time with both parents. So feed the infant and hand him to another adult, if you can, and spend some time connecting with your oldest. If you wear your baby, you will still have two hands free for your oldest. And of course, you can also wear your 17 month old, when she just needs some connection time, and you need two hands to change the baby, for instance. 

(There is so much more to say about this topic; it takes up three chapters of my book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings.)

3. I am a mom of 4 (ages 2, 4, 6, 8). I'd love any tips on gentle parenting in the moments when all 4 have big feelings happening. Or when one is having a "big" problem that requires immediate attention (bleeding, sick, etc) and another is demanding attention for a "little" problem (can't get a marker open, can't find the purple sock, etc). - Lindsay F.

You have my total admiration. I can't imagine having four children that close in age. I think the only way to prevent constant situations like you're describing is to do preventive maintenance. That means that every day you schedule in some one-on-one time with each child, so they have more internal resources to cope when things are tough. 

But when you do find yourself in the situation you're describing, the most important thing is to stay calm yourself. Often, we get so anxious and overwhelmed that we start snapping at the kids: "Can't you see Henry's leg is bleeding? Be patient!" That makes them worry. Does Mom love Henry more than she loves me?"  

If, instead, we can bite our tongue, take a deep breath, and smile at all the kids, they will all feel loved, even when we can't meet all their needs at once. We can also think better, so we can prioritize. I would speak out loud: "I hear you, Jason, you need your purple sock.....And Lucy wants the top off her marker....First, I am helping Henry, because his nose is bleeding....then I will help you, Lucy, and you, Jason."  Looking at them and meeting their eyes is important, too. Think of the model of the master preschool teacher, who has her arm around one child, is meeting the eyes of another with a smile, and shifts her glance to the third, to acknowledge him. 

And here is a whole article about how to cope when they all have "big feelings" at once:

4. What are the best things I can do to help my girls (4 & 1.5) bond? - Jennifer N.

The most important thing you can do is hold the expectation that they will value each other. Of course they will get angry at each other -- conflict is part of every human relationship -- but they will always work things out, because families are forever, and they will be friends for life. Ask questions, like "What is the best thing you have learned from your sister so far?"

Talk to the little one, in front of the older one, about how lucky she is to have such a wonderful, loving big sister. Talk to the older one about how much the little one admires her. When one gets hurt, invite the other one to help comfort her. Be sure that every day begins and ends with a snuggle time for both of them, with you. When they disagree, help them work it out so they're both happy. 

Finally, create positive interactions between them. The research shows that those positive interactions are the most important predictor of how close children will be. So play with the two of them at once so that they laugh and enjoy each other. Laughter releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, so if they're laughing together, they're bonding. Notice things they like to do together and encourage those activities, and try not to interrupt them when they're playing happily.

5.  How do I help my 3.5 yr son to learn/feel empathy? He rough plays with his 2 yr sister and often laughs when she cries.frown emoticon In part I think he does that out of fear to accept he did something wrong. - Salome F.

Kids learn empathy when we empathize with them. You can also facilitate that process by talking with him about emotions in general. When he plays rough with his sister, you can step in and ask "Is everyone having fun here?...Look, Honey, your sister's face looks a little scared...I think maybe this is a bit too rough for her....Let's find another game for now."  

I think you're right that your son's laughter when his sister gets hurt is because he feels guilty and wants to act like he did nothing wrong. You can help him with that. When your daughter does get hurt, resist the urge to yell at your son. Instead, go right to your daughter to comfort her. Involve your son so that he can "make up" to her, for instance by sending him for an ice pack for her bump and by having him kiss her owie. That helps him feel "forgiven" so that he can begin to take responsibility for what he did and avoid it in the future. 

6. I am a mother of stepson (6 years) and daughter (2.8 years old). They fight constantly over almost everything. Despite that, I have trouble connecting to my son, talking and working with him. How can I handle my feelings for him and work things for both my children and my family? - Joanna S.

It sounds like you need to strengthen and sweeten your relationship with your stepson. That's important if you want him to cooperate with you, and also if you want him to have a good relationship with your daughter. So I would put a lot of effort into preventive maintenance with him, so that he has more inner resources to be patient with his sister and is not as jealous of her. 

Then, when they fight, step in, but -- and this is the most important thing -- without taking sides. Instead, even if you are sure he is wrong, say "It sounds like you two have a problem....let's work this out."

Listen to both of them:  "So you want to use this toy....And YOU want to use this toy!..You both want to use the same toy."

Restate house rules: "Our house rule is that the person who has the toy can use it until they are done. Jamie has the toy....Megan, can you ask Jamie when he will be done with the toy?"

or "Our house rule is that we treat each other kindly. Jamie, that means no name calling. You can tell Megan what you're mad about without calling her names."

Or, if no house rules apply, help them hammer out a win/win solution.

This is a lot of work. But if you do it every day for a few months, your kids will learn to do it themselves, and the fighting will dramatically diminish.

7. How do you make it work in blended families where siblings are parented differently by their resident parents? My husband and I are gentle parents and we have one son who lives with us but my stepsons live with their mother mon-fri and she is the complete opposite. I'm worried about their development having two very different homes and also seeing their brother being raised ap/gp. - Ellie B.

Such a tough situation! Your stepsons will figure out that the rules are different, and they will enjoy their relationships with you and your husband much more. They will also feel safer with you, so you will see some meltdowns and other acting out at your house, that has actually been stimulated by the feelings they're having at their mother's house. All you can really do is love them and be compassionate when they struggle. At least with you they are getting a lifeline that may get them through the teen years with a lot less drama.

8. How do you know when to intervene and when to let them work it out on their own? In our house it so quickly erupts into hitting and hurting so I tend to intervene all the time to avoid someone getting hurt. - Becky H.

I would ALWAYS intervene. The fact that things are erupting so quickly is a sign that your kids don't yet know how to work things out themselves. The more you coach them to express their needs without attacking each other, and to work things out respectfully, the more they will gain the skills to work it out on their own. (Expect it to take three to six months depending on their ages.)

9. My son is turning four this April (April 8th) and his baby sister will be arriving by the end of April.. He has been showing serious signs of distress when it comes to having a little sister such as, I don't want her to cuddle with us, I don't love her, and sometimes even trying to harm my belly.. Some days he is very sweet and gives my belly kisses but not very often. I am worried that maybe I have spoiled him to much and he is now going to have a really hard time adjusting to having to share his time with someone who is going to need so much of my time and energy.. He has two older sisters from his fathers previous relationship but doesn't get to see them very often unfortunately due to court issues and stuff.. He gets along great with the older children though (8 years and 9years old) my son can be VERY demanding and aggressive at times and we love him with all of our heart but are very concerned he will have a lot of resentment towards his new baby sister.. - Samantha R.

It is natural for a four year old to have a hard time sharing his parents with his new baby sister. That does not mean you have spoiled him. It means it is hard to share your parents. You can expect him to have a hard time. Just keep acknowledging his feelings and try not to feel guilty or to blame him. "You're saying you don't want us to have the baby? I hear you. It can be hard to share your parents." Over time, as long as you continue to meet his needs and he feels like he is still valued and significant, he will accept his sister. 

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Be sure to head over to my to enter the giveaway on 4/24/2015 (and don't forget to check back on Monday, 4/27/15, to see if you've won)! 

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Why differentiated instruction fails gifted children

Why is differentiated instruction so controversial?

In a recent commentary, Jim Delisle highlighted the , how it fails to serve diverse populations of students, how it places impossible demands upon teachers within heterogeneous classrooms, and how gifted students' needs are treated as a lower priority.

Differentiated instruction sounds great in theory; it's the implementation that falls short.

Dr. Delisle received a deluge of comments, some offering praise for his astute critique; others sharply critical of his views, claiming that

Some key points in this debate include the following:

1. Teachers truly want to differentiate and meet every child's needs... but most cannot achieve it in a typical classroom environment.

"Differentiation" lends a name to what good teachers have done for years: accommodate the different learning needs of their students. The concept sounds great in theory. Let's make sure that each child's educational needs are served. Let's have classrooms that offer a range of learning opportunities at any given time. But the reality is that teaching students with diverse educational needs is a monumental task. A typical mixed-ability classroom might include gifted learners, slow learners, ESL students, children with behavioral problems or learning disabilities, children "in the middle" and high achievers.

So how are teachers expected to differentiate instruction within a heterogeneous classroom setting? , a well-known advocate of differentiation, outlines "core principles of differentiated instruction:"

 "One of these is what we call 'respectful tasks.' This means that everybody's work needs to be equally engaging, equally appealing, and equally important." 

While this principle is commendable, it requires a degree of flexibility that few teachers could hope to achieve. Talented, experienced teachers may be able to differentiate instruction some of the time, and do it well. But can this be accomplished on a daily basis? As Dr. Delisle summarized in a : "differentiation in a heterogeneous classroom setting is a difficult, at times impossible, task to complete for a single teacher."

In addition, one of Tomlinson's core principles recommends that schools avoid grouping children based on readiness or skill:

"Another important principle is that of flexible grouping. This means you don't arbitrarily divide students or automatically group them with kids of the same skill level. You need to systematically move kids among similar readiness groups, varied readiness groups, mixed learning-profile groups, interest groups, mixed interest groups, and student-choice groups."

Regardless of concerns related to the effectiveness of these recommendations, how can any teacher possibly achieve this dizzying array of expectations on a daily basis?

2. Differentiation is used as "code" to justify eliminating programs geared toward children with special needs.

Differentiation may have been developed with the best of intentions as a model for meeting each child's individual needs. However, it has now become "code" for the elimination of ability grouping. Frequently touted by school administrators, differentiation is presented to stakeholders as proof that heterogeneous classes work, as the antidote to tracking and as the solution to educating children with diverse educational needs within a single classroom. In a recent commentary,  illuminates many of the problems with differentiated instruction and claims that:

"...teachers are tasked with customizing, tailoring, and individualizing the instruction so that administrators and policy types can declare with straight faces that their classrooms are diverse and inclusive and that every child's singular education needs are being satisfactorily met."

How can a teacher differentiate instruction every day for every topic? How is that even possible? This is a recipe for burn-out, hopelessness and resentment. Or a set-up for cutting corners and only occasionally differentiating. Many settle into managing classroom behavioral problems, pulling along struggling students, covering what material they can, and teaching to the middle. Gifted children are typically a low priority in the chaotic demands of the classroom.

 succinctly highlights the dilemma:

"By having dismantled many of the provisions we used to offer to kids on the edges of learning (classes for gifted kids, classes for kids who struggle to learn, and classes for those whose behaviors are disruptive to the learning process of others), we have sacrificed the learning of virtually every student...The verdict is clear: differentiation is a promise unfulfilled, a boondoggle of massive proportions."

3. Differentiation advocates often point to equity as justification for their policy. 

Differentiation advocates claim that ability grouping is unfair because it might penalize children with learning disabilities, slow learners, or even average ability children. They point to the failure of tracking, where many bright and capable students, often students of color, languished in lower tracked classes with no opportunity to advance. They highlight research suggesting that lower or average ability students improve in academic environments where they are challenged.
They correctly note how for gifted identification and are underrepresented in gifted programs. Recent reports document the  and highlight how 

While few would ever support resumption of a rigid tracking system where students were barred from advancing, the concept of ability grouping often has been . Many of detracking's staunchest supporters have pointed to the system's rigidity and how lower tracked classes are frequently served by the least skilled teachers. Yet ability grouping can be fluid and does not prevent advancement. And struggling students deserve the most skilled teachers available. There are also conflicting and contradictory findings related to detracking, even for low ability students. See  for an informative article about this issue.

In their groundbreaking paper "Inequity in equity: How 'equity' can lead to inequity for high potential students,"  highlight the political trends and misconceptions that have derailed efforts to educate gifted and high ability children. According to the authors:

"...equity is the result of an extreme form of egalitarianism in American society and schools, which involves the pitting of equity against excellence rather than promoting both equity and excellence, anti-intellectualism, the 'dumbing-down' of the curriculum, equating aptitude and achievement testing with elitism...and the insistence of schools to teach all students from the same curriculum at the same level."

Benbow also highlights the disservice that occurs when giftedness is falsely associated with higher income levels.

"There are many gifted kids coming from lower socioeconomic-status backgrounds. When you remove programs for the gifted...you are disproportionately hurting those kids the most."

 4. But what about gifted children? 

Differentiation advocates have not supplied data showing educational benefits of heterogeneous classrooms for gifted children. Most , along with , typically support the merits of ability grouping for these students. Yet heterogeneous classes persist and are the norm in most school districts for a variety of practical, financial and philosophical reasons. Unable to justify how it serves their academic needs, some school districts claim that mixed ability classes broaden gifted students' lives through interactions with non-gifted students. However, it is hard to imagine a community where this opportunity does not occur every single day. It happens on the playground, at the bus stop, on sports teams, and in most of their academic classes. Gifted children are constantly surrounded by the "real world" of children and adults who think differently than they do and who expect them to When gifted students are finally able to participate in ability-grouped classes, it is often quite a relief; finally they can relax and be themselves, , and learn at a challenging pace.

Gifted children learn to "adapt" to heterogeneous classes. They eventually accept that classes will not be challenging. They might respond by entertaining themselves (reading novels, drawing, playing games), causing trouble (talking too much, becoming the class clown), daydreaming and not paying attention, or pestering the teacher with questions beyond the scope of the class. Regardless of whether their adaptation to boredom and frustration is creative or a nuisance to teachers, gifted children quickly realize that . They must wait and wait until eventually, when the teacher has the time and opportunity to "differentiate instruction" for them, a more challenging instruction might be available. But even when this occurs, they lack a large group of peers with whom they can share ideas and engage in discussion.

5. How differentiation might work for gifted children

The debate regarding the benefits and drawbacks of differentiated instruction hinges on the complexity of classroom demands, not necessarily on the concept of meeting each child's unique learning needs. It seems clear that differentiation would work best within smaller, homogeneous classes, where the range of students' educational needs is limited. This would minimize the demands placed on teachers, and permit the fine-tuned educational planning and creativity for which differentiated instruction is intended. A recent blog post, for example, described how  in the author's relatively small gifted classroom.

Differentiation, as it stands now, has been touted as the solution to detracking, ensuring equity, and managing overwhelming classroom size. If school districts and policy wonks stopped promoting differentiation as the panacea for every educational dilemma, maybe a reasonable dialogue could ensue. Children require targeted instruction all of the time, not just when an especially talented teacher can manage it. Or when resources are plentiful. Or within a small classroom with few "demanding" students. There is a place for differentiated instruction. But relying on it to meet the needs of all children in one setting dilutes its purpose and is a disservice to every child.

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Replace the Time Out Chair for a Calm Down Area

Time-out is a popular technique for dealing with undesirable toddler behavior, but is it really best for the child? In , doctors Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D., and Daniel Siegel, M.D. tell us that the latest research suggests sitting alone in that chair is doing more harm than good.

When I learned that time-outs didn't work for my highly sensitive boy almost 6 years ago, I was led to look for an alternative for correcting his behavior. I found that a  was much more effective for my sensitive son, and it worked just as well with my non-HSC (highly sensitive child) too.

What is a calm down area for?

This is a place for a child to go either with the parent or willingly alone. It is not a punishment but a place to learn emotional intelligence followed by learning better behavior. What I've learned about children in my years of research is that their brains do not take information in when they are dysregulated (or very upset). During times of emotional upset, children are functioning from their lower brain (which controls the fight, flight, or freeze response) and need to calm down before they can access their higher brain (responsible for logical thought and reasoning). Therefore, the calm down area should be a soothing place for the child to engage their higher brains so they can then best learn the lesson we want to teach.

Wait, isn't that a reward for misbehavior?

Think of it like this. When you get angry and are about to blow up at your child or spouse, do you take a few minutes to calm yourself first? You should. That ensures you are able to respond thoughtfully rather than react irresponsibly. When you take that time to breathe or repeat a mantra or go to the bathroom, you're essentially going to your own calm down area, even if just in your mind. Is that a reward for your anger? No. Does taking that little break in the bathroom make you want to get angry more often? Of course not. No one likes feeling out of control. We all need to learn how to take time to calm our brains down so we don't react, and it's best to start learning that as young as possible.

What's the difference? Don't they learn to take that break in the time-out chair?

The difference is that the parent acts as an emotional coach in the calm down area. We talk through the emotions that the child is feeling and discuss ways to calm down and regulate our brains. A toddler isn't able to process all of that alone in a chair. Furthermore, sitting with a nose in a corner doesn't help most children calm down and often fuels the negative emotions. They may even feel rejected or isolated. Certainly, they aren't thinking about what they will do better next time, and even if they can repeat why they just had to sit there for 4 minutes, did they really learn what triggered their strong emotions or how to handle them better? Knowing what not to do is not equal to knowing what to do.

What goes in the calm down area?

What you put in your calm down area is unique to your child. Find items that will suit them best. One of my children liked to draw or be read to and the other liked to pop balloons to calm down. I kept a box with several books, a glitter and water jar to shake, pencils and paper, rice for sensory play and balloons in our calm down area, along with a comfortable pillow to sit on.

How do you use the calm down area?

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5 Strategies For Being a Patient Parent

1. Lessen your screen time. I don't know about you, but too much screen time makes my brain feel zapped, and I get very irritable. I've taken off all unnecessary apps, and I'm reaching for my phone less and less these days. Computer time is limited as well. I've found a lot regarding kids and screen time, but I haven't seen much in regard to how it changes adult brains. I can definitely tell a difference, though. For whatever reason, I just feel more calm and collected with much less screen time. See if it works for you as well.

Internist Kogan, on the other hand, believes the physical damages of increased technology use could be severe. She says that prolonged use can overstimulate the nervous system and increase production of cortisol, the so-called stress hormone.
“It’s the fight-or-flight response,” explains . “When you’re using these technologies, your cortisol will be pumping through the roof. And you don’t want higher levels of cortisol,” which increases your risk of experiencing anxiety, depression, insomnia, high blood pressure and diabetes. 

2. Get outside. There are so many benefits. Vitamin D. Exercise. Connection to nature and to your kids as you build forts or ride bikes. Spending time outdoors calms my nerves and makes me feel so much more relaxed, and that makes me more patient! Thank goodness spring has arrived here!

Wide open spaces mean more opportunities to boost your health. For one thing, getting outside forces you to get a little exercise, and exercise is the best natural mood booster there is. For another, being out and about makes you more likely to encounter neighbors and friends, and social contact is another no-fail way to cut stress, says . And five minutes outside is all it takes get the mood-boosting effect, according to a 2010 study in the journal Environmental Science & Technology. Researchers found that people experienced the largest boosts to their mood and self-esteem after just spending five minutes outside doing some form of light exercise, like walking.

3. Slow the heck down. , but we have a cure! Drop some stuff! Say no to some things. Pare down your schedule. Leave some blank squares on your calendar. Be present in the moment. Feel your hands in the suds when you wash dishes. Listen to the sound of laughter from your kids' room. See your partner and notice his/her facial expression. Smell your meal or the lotion you just rubbed on. Savor the taste of your morning coffee. Count your blessings and do some yoga or something. The world will keep on turning.

4. Find your jam. Seriously, find music that relaxes you and play it during the most stressful times of your day. . If the morning rush frazzles your nerves, try turning up your favorite tunes!

"Music is known to tap into various parts of the brain, that is why it is utilized by many experts in treating depressed or anxious patients. The meter, timber, rhythm and pitch of music are managed in areas of the brain that deal with emotions and mood. These key areas are the hippocampus, prefrontal cortex and the parietal lobe. 

The hippocampus, a structure of the limbic system, is responsible for spatial orientation, navigation and the consolidation of new memories. It also brings about emotional responses. The prefrontal cortex, on the other hand, manages extreme impulses and emotions. Known as the “seat of good judgment,” it enables one to make good and acceptable calls so that inappropriate behaviors are prevented. 

As for the parietal lobe, it is in charge of spatial orientation, information processing and cognition, affects many others. 

Because of its ability to alter the different parts of the brain, music has been utilized in a number of therapies. For example, it has been applied to stroke victims to teach them how to talk once again. At the same time, it is recommended to stutterers so that they can dictate words clearly once again. Since it reaches the emotion-related barriers too, music is now being utilized as a mood-altering therapy for depressed and anxious individuals."

5. Get up before your kids. I hated this one at first. I kept reading how much it would help me, but I am not a morning person. Finally, I gave in and gave it a try. Seriously, what a difference it makes when I get my morning jog over with and sit with a nice cup of coffee before the kids even get up. I have to admit it, the days I roll out of bed extra early are the days when I have the most patience.

Resources:
Effects of music: http://www.emedexpert.com/tips/music.shtml
http://examinedexistence.com/how-music-changes-your-mood/
Effects of screens: http://www.forbes.com/2010/06/29/technology-computers-health-stress-forbes-woman-well-being-screen-time.html
Spending time outdoors reduces stress: http://www.prevention.com/mind-body/emotional-health/spending-time-outside-relieves-stress

More tips for parenting with patience:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/peaceful-parenting/resolutions-better-parent

http://www.abundantmama.com/how-to-be-a-calm-parent/

http://zenhabits.net/how-to-become-a-patient-parent/

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Seeking Professional Help for Your Gifted Child

There may come a time when you find it necessary to seek professional help for your child. The reasons are varied but can include seeking help for social-emotional issues, for mental health reasons or a professional determination of giftedness for educational purposes. I will discuss this last point in a separate post.

When to Seek Professional Help

Knowing when to seek professional help for your child is a very personal decision. Many people tell me that as a parent of a gifted child, they feel alone and conflicted by the advice of friends, family and even their child’s teachers. I have found that if someone hasn’t traveled down this road, it’s difficult to understand what parents face on a daily basis. Professionals who don’t understand giftedness or have had no experience with gifted individuals will show little empathy for a parents’ plight.

If you are struggling with issues surrounding your child’s heath or well-being, seek professional help. There is no reason to go it alone in today’s world. If you can’t find help in your local area, many professionals offer services via phone consultations or Skype. You would not hesitate if your child was physically ill; so don’t delay seeking it now.

As a parent of an atypical child, you may be fearful of the outcome of consulting a professional. Don’t be. Failure to act when the situation warrants it can have devastating consequences for your child. The struggles won’t go away on their own.

Where to Find Professional Help

Once you realize that you do need help, where do you find it? Far too often, this is the hardest part of the process. Lack of professionals trained in gifted is a major problem. As Tiombe Bisa Kendrick-Dunn, current president of SENG, recently wrote, 

“[Mental health] professional’s graduate education includes an abundance of knowledge relating to pathology and related treatments, but lacks the same for gifted and talented individuals. Unless a major shift occurs, they [the gifted] will continue to be misdiagnosed and at high risk for inappropriate treatment, which can cause irreparable harm.”

Hopefully, the list above (see ) of professionals who deal with gifted individuals will be a start. They are self-elected. The list is provided as a guide. I do not personally make recommendations; legally, I can’t. You will have to determine that for yourself. Use the list as a starting point and then use the information in this post to aid you in your search. The list will become a permanent part of this site and will be frequently updated. Below you will find links to articles to help you in the decision making process as well as links to lists on other sites.

What Type of Professional Do You Need

First, you have to decide what type of professional will best meet your child’s needs. There are psychologists, psychiatrists, family therapists, counselors, social workers, personal coaches; all providing very different types of services. I will provide a brief description of what each one does:

• Psychologists: There are basically two kinds of psychologists from which parents of gifted children can seek help; clinical or counseling psychologists and school psychologists. Clinical psychologists must have a PhD or PsyD in psychology or hold a state license to practice. They generally do not prescribe medication. They have extensive training in psychological testing, scoring, and interpreting tests. School psychologists, on the other hand, can be certified by boards of education with an education specialist (EdS) degree. Specific requirements vary by state.
• Psychiatrists: Psychiatrists are licensed physicians. They generally take a medical approach and can prescribe medication.
• Family Therapists: Therapists will have post-graduate training in human behavior, relationships, and with individuals. These professionals would be helpful when looking for solutions to family issues related to your gifted child.
• Licensed Mental Health Counselors: largest group of mental health providers in the US; help people who have normal cognitive processes cope with difficult life circumstances. 
• School Counselors: School Counselors, formerly referred to as guidance counselors, were once only used for academic or vocational guidance but today are increasingly used to help students with social-emotional issues both individually and in groups.
• Social Workers: Social workers generally possess a Masters degree (M.S.W.) in social work and are trained to treat emotional and behavioral problems. They work with both individuals and families. Some schools have social workers on staff.
• Personal Coaches: Personal coaches receive training in helping individuals to find direction and set goals through a variety of strategies.

Questions, Questions, and More Questions

Knowing what to look for in a professional and what questions to ask is no easy task. What should you look for in a professional? First and foremost, you should feel comfortable talking with whoever you choose. Are they empathetic to your situation? Does your child feel comfortable with them? Are they at ease when asked about giftedness? If you answer “no” to any of these questions, it is best to look elsewhere.

Here’s a checklist of questions to ask anyone you are considering working with:

• What experience have you had in working with gifted children?
• What is your personal philosophy concerning giftedness?
• Has your professional training included what giftedness is and how to recognize it?
• What do you see as major issues in the gifted population?
• How have you modified your approach to therapy when working with the gifted?

Listen carefully when your potential provider answers your questions. Are they sincere? Do they refer to asynchronous development, peer relations, overexcitabilities, multiple exceptionality perfectionism or issues you are personally seeing in your child? Or do you feel like you are talking to someone who thinks ‘all children are gifted’? Are they smart? Research has found that this is a key factor … the person you choose needs to be able to keep up with your child both cognitively and intellectually. Remember, you are seeking help for your child; someone who relies on you to look after their best interest.

And one last thing to consider… Aimee Yermish, a highly respected therapist in the gifted community and owner of the in the Boston area, shares this sage advice, 

“Anyone who frames giftedness as being part of the problem, anyone who defines the intensity and drive and perceptiveness and differentness and post formal reasoning as “the thing that’s wrong with you,” leave and don’t look back. The goal is not to get our kids (or us!) to act like everyone else.  The goal is to help us figure out who we are and how to act like ourselves, just in an adaptive way.”

Just Do It!

Take your time in choosing professional help. If you don’t feel comfortable with your first choice, move on. Their advice can have profound implications for your child’s future. Consider it an awesome responsibility; not just another item on your to-do list.

Your thoughts …

So what do you think? What has been your experience in finding professional help? What tips would you add for locating a professional experienced with gifted individuals? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

References:

(pdf) 

 

Tiombe Bisa Kendrick-Dunn SENG Vine, March 2015 

Aimee Yermish 

Resources:

Aimee Yermish 

Jim Webb 

 

 

from Davidson Gifted (Includes lists of questions to ask potential professionals) 

 

Potential Plus UK:  

Malone Family Foundation 

(Colorado)

from GHF 

 Psychology Today  

 

(Amazon) 

(YouTube 14:22) from SENG 

 

 

 

Graphic by Lisa Conrad.

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