The Tattletale Elf: Tips for Inspiring Good Behavior without the Help of Magical Elves

It’s taken over Pinterest. It’s all over Facebook. It’s all the rage. It’s the Elf on a Shelf. Supposedly this little magic elf comes to watch your children’s behavior and report back to Santa whether they’ve been naughty or nice. It also seems to get involved in all sorts of shenanigans while it’s running around magically alive while the children sleep.

It’s all in good fun, right? Well, maybe. I love these little elves and think they’re a blast. We have one too, although . Their silly antics can cause lots of laughter, and laughter is good for families. Laughter connects us. What disconnects us is using it as a tattletale elf.

From the Cambridge Dictionary: tattletale (noun) a person, especially a child, who secretly tells someone in authority, especially a teacher, that someone else has done something bad, often in order to cause trouble.

So, yes, the Elf on the Shelf is a big ole tattletale, running to tattle to Santa when the children misbehave so that they’ll be punished with a lump of coal.

Let’s try a short exercise.
Imagine for a moment that you’re dog tired and not in a very chipper mood. I know, it’s so hard to imagine, isn’t it? So, here you are, not feeling (or acting) your best. The kids are wired, the place is a mess, you have a to-do list a mile long, and bedtime can’t come fast enough.

Now imagine if your spouse had someone watching your every move and reporting back to, let’s say, your mother-in-law. Feeling resentful yet? You may be yelling less, but I’d bet you’re feeling disconnected from your spouse. And your mother-in-law. That’s because threats and tricks don’t change hearts. They don’t help us be better people.

At best, they force us to pretend to be better people as long as we are under a threat, but this only builds feelings of anger, resentment, and for some kids, . These feelings cause people to behave worse, not better.

To really thwart negative behavior and inspire positive behavior from your children, you have to have their hearts. You cannot change a heart that you can’t reach. The to easier parenting is that your relationship matters most, so anything that disconnects and harms the relationship is moving in the wrong direction.

If you want better behavior from your children this holiday season, here are 5 ways to bring it out in them.

1. Fall back in love.
The love we feel for our children never goes away, but children don’t always feel our love, especially when we’ve been feeling like very much. Negative cycles can be tough to shake out of, but it’s really important that your child feels unconditionally loved, accepted, and valued by you. Re-frame any negative perceptions you’ve formed. For example, “stubborn” could be re-framed into “perseverant.” There’s always a positive side if you look hard enough. The way we feel about our children and their intentions affects the way we treat them.

2. Get your relationship right.
If your relationship has been strained and you’re feeling disconnected, your child is probably disconnected too. Re-connect through playing, being present without distractions, active listening, and finding ways to laugh together every day.

3. Be a team.
If you have an “us versus them” mentality, they’ll adopt it, too. This sets you up for years of power struggles. Let your child know you’re on her side. Getting out of the dictator or manager mindset and into a mentor or mindset will help you come alongside your children as the example and coach that they need through childhood.

4. Use consequences that teach.
If a consequence is necessary, aim for rather than just punish. I’ve written a full article explaining this in detail which you can find .

5. Build them up.
Children who feel good about themselves will behave well. We should always be looking for the light in our children and reflecting it back to them. We want to see the good in them and help them see it, too.

Use encouraging phrases like these:
*That was so helpful. Thank you.
*You are so kind to do that.
*I’m proud of you for ___.
*I believe in you.
*I like spending time with you.
*You’re so much fun to be around!

Here are some alternative uses for your elves:

by The Imagination Tree are a popular alternative.

Conscious Discipline suggests using heart-shaped glasses for your elf to see the good behaviors you want to inspire rather than the bad ones. .

Happy Hooligans has .

Of course, you could always keep your current tradition, just ditching the tattletale part.

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, .

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Potty Training Tips that Really Help

Potty training is a funny thing. It almost becomes a competition between parents to see whose kids get trained the quickest. There’s real pressure on us to “perform” our parenting duties well, and one of the ways we prove what good parents we are is by having our children out of diapers ASAP. At least, that’s how I felt. So, when my first child, at the age of 2, trained in literally one day, never looking back, I was as proud as a peacock. Nailed it.

I had a terrific game plan and I executed it perfectly. I bought him cool new underwear and we made a big celebration of saying goodbye to diapers, with balloons and everything! I set up a colorful reward chart and promised him an awesome toy if he’d fill up the chart with stars. The morning started a little sketchy, but by mid-day, he was a pro! We clapped and danced, I gave him his stars, and by the end of the day, I was feeling pretty good about my skills. He never woke up wet again. He never asked for diapers again. It was done. Easy as pie. Slam dunk. I will accept my ribbon now, please.

Then, child number two happened. I pulled out my same bag of tricks and expected the same success. Nope. He not only was uninterested, he flat out resisted. Age two passed. Then three. The more I begged and pleaded with him to go in the potty, the more he dug in his heels. He was still in diapers at age 4, and I think it’s safe to say that I had to give back the ribbon and accept that I was, indeed, a failure. No amount of bribing would sway him, and by this time, I was well in my positive parenting journey and didn’t even believe in bribes. Desperate times call for desperate measures though, and these felt like desperate times.

Exasperated and defeated, I finally said, “You know what, son. How about you just let me know when you’re ready to use the potty. It’s your body, and I’m going to start trusting you with it, okay?” And then I stopped asking, bribing, pleading, and even talking about the toilet. I had lost the fight, and I limped away whimpering. You win, kid.

Much to my surprise, it wasn’t long after when he decided he was ready. Once he felt like it was his idea, he was all for learning to use the toilet. When I looked back on our whole potty learning journey, I realized there was really no point in stressing over it so much.

So, as a mom who both “succeeded” and “failed” at potty training my kids, I offer you these toilet training tips.

1. Get a little potty seat long before you expect they’ll want to learn.
Introducing it all at once and asking them to go in there can be a little too much for some children. Let it be just a normal little seat where your child can sit to listen to you read or watch a show. When they become curious about using it as a toilet, move it to the bathroom. They can sit there while they observe how you use the big toilet.

Children learn best simply from our modeling. You can then begin asking if they’d like to sit on it naked or to pee or poop in it. If the answer is no, just respect their answer and be patient.

Learning to use the toilet is a natural thing, so trust that it will happen. 






**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, .

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Conscious Parents: Cultivating Self-Compassion

The one thing all conscious parents must have, I’ve learned, is self-compassion. As we become increasingly aware of the deep impact of our words and actions upon our children, it’s easy to get caught in a cycle of guilt and shame each time we miss the mark. We can put so much pressure on ourselves to be ever-present, aware, attuned, emotionally regulated, and self-controlled that anything less than perfection can feel like complete failure.
On her website, , Dr. Kristin Neff defines compassion as having 3 parts:

1.  A notice of suffering
2.  A feeling moved to respond with warmth, caring, and a desire to help the suffering person, offering understanding and kindness rather than judging harshly, and
3. A realizing that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of being human.

Therefore, self-compassion is acting the same way toward yourself when you fail or are imperfect. She says, “Having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness.”
Brene Brown, world-renowned researcher and author of The Gifts of Imperfection, says that self-compassion and forgiveness is of engaged parenting that emerged from her parenting research. She admits something that I can identify with very much, which is this: “I always thought that teaching [my children] self-love was mandatory and figuring it out in my own life was optimal but optional. This research has forced me to let go of that idea.”


I’ll be honest. I hate to let that idea go. I’ve already had to do so much inner work to be a conscious parent, and now I’m having to take on this, too. My inner critic is ruthless. She berates me on the smallest of things. Nothing ramps up feeling the need to be a perfect parent like being a parenting book author!

Even though my heart knows this journey is about progress, not perfection, my mind has a difficult time accepting that I’ll never get it 100% right. Yet there is one truth I know, and that Brene has reinforced, which is if I want my children to live it, I must show them how, not tell them how. With that in mind, I’ve turned back to Dr. Kristin Neff and her self-compassion exercises.


Exercise #1: Exploring Self-Compassion through Writing
In this exercise, Neff asks which imperfections make you feel inadequate – something what causes shame or makes you feel like you’re not “good enough.”
She advises to write about the issue that makes you feel inadequate and notice what emotions come up when you think about this aspect of yourself. Next, write a letter to yourself from the perspective of an unconditionally loving imaginary friend. What would this friend say to you? In your letter, convey acceptance, understanding, and kindness.

The third part of this exercise is to then walk away from the letter for a while after you’ve written it, coming back later to read it again while letting the words sink in. Allow the compassion to pour in, comforting you.

Exercise #2: Self-Compassion Break
Think of a situation in your life that is causing you stress. Bring it to your awareness and actually feel the emotional discomfort. Say to yourself “this hurts” or “this is a moment of suffering.” This is being mindful of your situation. Next, put your hands over your heart and just acknowledge that you are not alone, and that we all struggle at times.

Then, practice repeating whichever phrase feels the most soothing to you. Examples are “may I be kind to myself,” “may I forgive myself,” and “may I be strong.”

Exercise #3: Changing Your Critical Self-Talk
Repeat these steps over a period of several weeks to transform how you treat yourself.

1. Notice when you are being self-critical. Note your inner speech. What is the tone of your voice? Does this voice remind you of anyone in your past? Get to know your inner-critic well.
2. Soften the self-critical voice with compassion. You might say, “I know you feel worried about me, but you are hurting me.” Then allow your compassionate self to speak.
3. Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a friendly, positive way. That might sound like this: “I’m feeling exhausted and need to rest. I snapped at my child because she got out of bed again and now I feel bad. I will go and apologize to her, give her a warm hug, and then I’ll set aside my to-do list and take 30 minutes to read my book. I deserve to be taken care of, too.”

It’s true that parenting is hard work, but it isn’t growing the children that is so difficult. It’s growing ourselves. If you and I put in the work now to silence the inner critic and cultivate self-compassion, not only will we benefit, but our children will to.

Wouldn’t it be nice for them to grow up and not have to work so hard at loving themselves?

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, .

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The Ultimate Guide to Positive Discipline

This is the third post in my series of ultimate guides. First was  and the second was . I’ve written before about my .

I thought it’d be helpful to share with your some scenarios which show what positive discipline looks like in action. These scenarios come from the book, by Laura Ling and myself.

Scenario #1 - Danger:
Your 2-1/2 year old son doesn't like to hold hands when walking through parking lots or in large crowds. Every time you try to hold his hand, he pulls it away and tries to run, or he fusses at you and claims "I can do it myself!"

Behind the behavior: Independence
It’s a toddler’s job to start developing his autonomy and that means doing things on his own. Because he’s just starting to develop empathy (being able to see things from another's point of view) he doesn’t realize that the drivers may not see him or be able to stop in time. He just knows that he wants to walk the way he wants to walk and that running is fun, too.

Safety is non-negotiable. I wouldn't say to him, "Well OK, but please stay close" and risk him darting in front of a car or losing him in a crowd. Remember, parenting is not permissive parenting. While it’s important to foster independence and competency, it’s more important to keep him safe.

ACTION:
1. Before getting out of the car, explain to your toddler what is going to happen.

2. If you can offer him a choice, do so. "Would you like to ride in the stroller or hold my hand?" If the stroller/cart is not an option, explain in simple terms that you must keep him safe, and to do that, he needs to hold your hand.

3. As you take his hand, try to engage him in something that takes his mind off the hand-holding. "Let's look for red cars" or "let's skip to the door."

4. If he cries or protests, empathize with his upset. Get down on his level. "I know you want to walk by yourself, but my job is to keep you safe. I don't want you to get lost! Now let's look for red cars! There's one! Do you see another?"

5. If he still struggles to free himself, carry him. You may have to endure a few unpleasant ventures.

6. Acknowledge his need and empathize with his upset, but stick to your limit. He'll soon learn it's a non-negotiable.

Scenario #2 - Aggression:
Your 19-month-old is a biter. He has just bitten another child at a play date.

Behind the behavior:
It depends on what was happening at the play date. It could be frustration, anger, hurt feelings, or fear. Toddlers, even very verbal ones, can’t always articulate what they’re feeling or thinking. When something triggers a primal emotion, they will have access to even fewer words. Because the mouth is central to learning at this age, biting is a common expression of discomfort.

ACTION:
1. Remove your child to safety, make sure the child bitten is OK, and then set or reinforce your limit. "I won’t let you bite."

2. Validate his feelings; empathize with his upset. "You got mad because he took your truck. I see you're mad, but it’s not OK to bite. Biting hurts."

3. Let your child express his emotion safely, and problem-solve later.

The reason I suggest not talking about appropriate alternatives during the time it happens is because children do not take information in well when they are in "fight or flight" mode or are upset. They are much more likely to learn and retain information when they are calm.

4. Build his empathy muscles by asking him to look at the child he bit and name what that child is feeling. “Look at his face. He looks really upset. How can you make this better?”

5. Encourage him to repair the relationship either with a verbal apology (his choice, not forced) or a hug or drawing. Let him decide how to make the repair as you encourage him to empathize with the other child.

6. If you feel a consequence is necessary, you could choose to leave the play date or tell him if it happens again, he will have to go home.

Key Note: Don't bite him to show him how it feels.
You'd be surprised at how many parents would advise you to do this. Remember, you are the model for appropriate behavior!

Scenario #3 - Sibling Rivalry:
Sally (5) is playing with her teddy bear. Her sister, Emma (3), grabs the teddy bear from Sally. Sally tries to grab it back and they end up in a tug of war, both yelling at each other to “stop it!”

Behind the behavior: Competition
Both children want the same thing, but they don’t know how to negotiate. Many toys become desirable just because someone else has it. Some kids also use snatching as a way to initiate play.

ACTION:
1. State what you see happening. “You both want to play with the teddy bear. How can we solve this?”

2. Wait for their suggestions at this point, if they come. If not, throw some out there. “One of you could pick a different toy to play with, or you can take turns with the teddy bear. Which sounds best to you?” Realize this is not likely to go smoothly at first, but you’re teaching a valuable lesson here.

3. Validate each child’s feelings. If Sally says, “Mom! I was playing with it and she stole it!” then you might say, “I understand that you’re frustrated she took your toy. I will talk to her about snatching.” Emma chimes in “Not yours! It’s mine!” so you say, “You think it’s your bear and didn’t want Sally to have it.”

Often feeling heard and validated dissipates the anger.

4. Once you help them reach a solution, show them how to carry it through. If they decided to take turns with it, they may need your help if they don’t understand the concept that well yet.

5. Later, when Emma is calm, talk to her about the importance of being respectful to her sister, and how snatching is not respectful but instead she should use her words to ask for the teddy bear, then practice doing that with her.

6. If a peaceful agreement cannot be reached between the children, you will need to choose for them and ensure it’s carried out.

In addition to these scenarios, I’ve gathered great posts from positive parenting experts and educators to include in this ultimate resource.

These are worth saving, pinning, or otherwise bookmarking for easy reference along your parenting journey.

by Dr. Laura Markham

by A Fine Parent

by Alison Smith

by Andrea Nair

by Nicole Schwarz

by Chelsea Lee Smith

by Sandra Fazio

By Alison Smith

by Lemon Lime Adventures

by Attachment Parenting International

And, if you’re having trouble explaining your discipline philosophy to your child’s caregivers, from Drs. Tina Payne-Bryson and Daniel Siegel, authors of No-Drama Discipline, explains it clearly.

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, .

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The Ultimate Guide to Getting Your Child to Listen

Life would be so much smoother if our children would just cooperate, wouldn’t it? If they’d just listen to us about bedtime, mealtime, chores, etc., and happily comply with our requests, we’d all get along just fine. After all, how hard can it be to eat your vegetables, pick up your toys, brush your teeth, and go to bed? Right?

Unfortunately, the common ways in which we try to force cooperation, such as punishment (or the threat of punishment), nagging, and yelling, actually drive our kids further from wanting to cooperate. Which is why it seems like the more we yell and nag, the more we have to yell and nag.
And while nothing is going to guarantee 100% compliance, there are some things you can do that will greatly increase the likelihood that your child will listen more and want to cooperate with you.
I call these the 3 C’s of cooperation:

1. Connection:
Our relationship with our children is the to cooperation. It’s what gives them a desire to please us. Children who feel securely attached are more likely to cooperate simply because they feel close to us. They respect us, look up to us, and want to please us out of that genuine love and respect they feel. I write a lot about connection as I believe it is the single most important . If you want to raise cooperation levels, raise your connection levels!

More of my articles on connection:





2. Consistency:
There is a calm but firm way to enforce your limits and follow through with your requests. This is not the same as threatening, but rather it is simply taking leadership action. Here are 3 positive follow through options to try:

Positive Follow Through Option 1:
For very young children, I recommend you gently guide them to the toys and point to the mess and then to the bins. This simple directive is easy for young tots to understand.
Stay close and ensure the task is complete, and then thank them! Say phrases like “I appreciate you putting your toys away." or "That was so helpful. Thank you!”

Positive Follow Through Option 2:
Add a bit of fun to the routine by playing music, making up a song, or asking your child to beat the timer. The more play you can add in your day, the more cooperative your child will become because play is a great way to help them feel connected.

Again, when it’s done, let them know you appreciate their work.

Positive Follow Through Option 3:
My children are getting older now, so when I find toys laying around, I drop them into a marked bin. My bin reads “Put this away please!” There’s no ransom to pay to get it back.
I did say this to my kids: “Whatever I find laying around, I will put in this box for you. Before bed, I need you to please empty the box and put everything where it goes.”

That was it, and they have cleaned out the bin every night.
I’ve also noticed that each day, I’m having to put less and less in the bin. My expectations grow as they do, so when they’re a little older, they’ll be responsible for putting things away quicker, but I’m decades older and still don’t put all my things away as soon as I’m finished. So until I master it, I won’t expect them to. Tidy, not perfect, is my mantra!

However you choose to handle it, be consistent. Don’t ask multiple times. Get up and take a positive leadership action every time after asking once or twice, and it won’t take long for them to get the point.

3. Capability:
Make sure what you’re expecting of your child is something he or she is developmentally capable of doing.

Expecting a 14-month-old toddler to sit through a 30-minute meal and clean her plate is unreasonable. Wanting a 2-year-old to keep his toys cleared away, his room tidy, and the pets fed may be asking a bit much. I’ve seen the chore charts for toddlers on Pinterest! I know some of you are wishing your kids would happily check off their lists, too, but I’m betting the cute and colorful chart doesn’t really inspire any tot.

I once read an article from a mother whose children completed an impressive list of chores each day and I admit it left me feeling envious.

Don’t compare to compete; it’s a trap! Know what your child’s capabilities are and expect no more or less than that.

Once again, I’ve gathered the best posts from my parenting expert and educator friends to help you encourage cooperation from your child, just in case my advice isn’t helpful for your situation or you didn’t find specifically what you were looking for above.

General Cooperation:
by Andrea Nair

by Ariadne Brill

by Ariadne Brill

by Andy Smithson

by Prana Boost

Mealtime Cooperation:
by Sarah Remmer

by Amy McCready

by Nicole Schwarz

Bedtime Cooperation:
by Kelly Holmes

by Alanna McGinn

by Positive Discipline

Cleaning Up Cooperation:
by Nicole Schwarz

by Hand in Hand Parenting

Still feeling like an overwhelmed parent?  to chase away the parenting blues!

**This post was originally published at Creative Child Magazine. For more of my positive parenting articles at Creative Child, .

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Gifted Challenges' Best Parenting Blog Posts

Each year, I have put together a "best of" list, sometimes including my own blog posts, those of others, or favorite articles I have seen over the past year.

This year, I thought I would honor parents and list some of the blog posts I have written specifically related to the challenges, victories and struggles faced by parents of gifted children. As the parent of two gifted children, I have been there! And as a clinical psychologist, I have witnessed the full spectrum of what so many parents experience.

Below is a list of some of the parenting posts. These posts are not about how to parent. Instead, they are focused on the feelings, reactions, and mixed emotions that affect so many parents of gifted children.


















Thanks for visiting this blog. As always, your comments are welcome and much appreciated. I want to wish you and your family all the best for the coming year.

Gail

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Holiday stress: What parents of gifted children need to know

What is it about the holidays that often creates more stress than good cheer? How many of us feel ambushed by glittering store displays, Hallmark images of family perfection, and holiday sound tracks piped into every building? Amid this season of stress, is it possible to not just survive, but actually enjoy the holidays?

Many families face these questions as the season's demands increase. Ads build upon fantasies of holiday joy, reunion with families separated by physical distance or personal differences, and the creation of lasting memories. It seems like everyone is having a blast at holiday parties and bonding with their families in front of a crackling fire.


The reality is that , family conflicts, tight budgets, and unreasonable expectations are rarely acknowledged in these picture-perfect scenarios. Most families are imperfect, and reuniting during the holidays can be a sad reminder that hopes for love, harmony and connection may never be met. Many people stretch their budget, but even more, hold onto desires for family perfection that cannot be achieved. Disappointment, resentment and sadness can result.

Holiday stress for families of gifted children

Parents of gifted children face some unique stressors during the holidays. The combination of gifted children's often heightened sensitivities along with the burden of explaining their differences to those unfamiliar with giftedness can result in additional stress. Some examples include the following:

• Young gifted children with and heightened sensitivities may have difficulty tolerating long trips, extended family visits, or religious services. Curious, intense, gifted children are a joy, but also may not be the most easy-going or flexible travelers. This can result in periods of overactivity, withdrawal and tears, or even meltdowns. Older children may not feel accepted by extended family who view the world differently. Or they may refuse to go along with religious observances that differ from their beliefs.  

• Along with the difficulty gifted children sometimes have blending into family gatherings, parents are often asked to explain their children's behavior to curious and sometimes highly critical relatives. In addition to trying to calm and manage their children, parents have to about giftedness and assume an role at a time when they just want to relax.

• Gift-giving can be complicated. Age-appropriate presents are often a poor fit for children, whose intellect may be well beyond their years, but whose emotional maturity is much younger. This can be particularly problematic when selecting books or video games, where the material may be too mature for their developmental age.

• Gifted children tend to question everything. They may criticize your menu selection for holiday dinners, rearrange decorations on the Christmas tree, and challenge family traditions. They also may raise more profound questions about religion, relationships and life's meaning. The holidays can evoke powerful reactions in gifted children as they struggle with their own spirituality or  concerns. 

How can you help your gifted child - and yourself - during the holidays?

1. Ask for help. Don't assume that you are solely responsible for organizing, cooking, shopping, planning travel, and completing every holiday task. Ask for support and delegate whenever possible. You might enlist help with anything from additional childcare and household chores, to advice about toy selection. If you are visiting with extended family, informing them about what you need before you visit can minimize potential problems. 

2. Set limits. Say no to requests from family or friends that would add to your stress. Set priorities and decline invitations that you know will create an additional burden. Set limits with your child also. Unstructured time during the holidays can result in more opportunities for an anxious child to ruminate about existential concerns, or might require your participation in time-consuming activities when there is just no time available. Say no to extra demands and find structured activities to keep your child engaged.

3. Avoid situations that create distress. This might seem obvious; steer clear of potentially upsetting, traumatic or conflict-filled situations. It may not always be possible, though, especially when some family events or obligations are unavoidable. But distinguish between mildly unpleasant, dutiful commitments and sacrificing the well-being of your family and yourself. If participation in any family, religious, or social event would be highly stressful or emotionally painful for you or your family, avoid the situation. For example, protect gifted children from extended time with cousins or other children who might  them.  

4. Be realistic. Watch your expectations, and don't assume that extended family are going to "get it" about your gifted child. If you know what contributes to meltdowns, avoid those situations. Don't force the issue: don't insist on activities when your young child needs a nap, don't demand that your idealistic, teen spend long hours with a bigoted relative, don't drag your child from one boring activity to another. In other words, don't invite trouble.

5. Focus on what is meaningful. Choose activities that will enrich and enhance your child's interests and correspond with your family's values. If your child has a strong sense of , you both might volunteer at a charity that matters to your family. If your child loves the arts, there are often a range of arts-based activities to sample, from ballet to new film releases to trying your hand at creative baking. If your child is seeking spiritual enlightenment, there is no better time to search for guidance. And don't forget to find plenty of time to have fun with your child.

6. Take time for yourself. It's not only about your kids. Make room for what you enjoy, spend time with people you love, and seek out what is spiritually meaningful to you. Discard old, meaningless traditions and unnecessary routine tasks that are performed only because they have persisted over time. Develop your own vision of the holidays - not necessarily that of the media's or your family of origin. Take care of yourself and make time for sleep, good nutrition and exercise. Pace yourself, delegate tasks when you can, and communicate what you need to others.

7. Keep it all in perspective. Manage your expectations and fantasies about the holidays. Most people don't have a "Hallmark holiday" and most families are imperfect. Notice when  or unrealistic wishes and beliefs start to color your vision. Learning to accept and appreciate what you do have can be a lesson in joy and gratitude.

Wishing you a stress-free holiday!

This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Surviving the Holidays with a house full of Gifted! To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:

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Underachievers under-the-radar: How seemingly successful gifted students fall short of their potential

Research has shown that many gifted children are who fail to reach their potential. Some mask their abilities so they can fit in with peers, some stop caring and receive barely passing grades, and some drop out altogether. Academic achievement becomes meaningless and their intrinsic love of learning seems to vanish. These conspicuous underachievers often capture the schools' attention because their disengagement is so apparent.

There are other underachieving gifted students, though, who remain hidden; their struggles detected by only the most astute observers. On the surface, these kids seem to be model students, with good grades and stellar test scores creating an appearance of hard work, motivation and drive. Their failure to reach their potential, though, remains unnoticed, well beneath the school's radar.

These underachieving students have mastered the ability to easily coast through school and still achieve good grades and test scores. They finish their work quickly, and distract themselves with reading, texting, doodling, or daydreaming. They might seem cooperative, but in reality, they rebel by taking shortcuts and performing well beneath their potential. Having lost faith in an educational system that appears dull and lifeless, they have learned to entertain themselves and exert just enough effort to just get by in school. They don't know their limits, they don't know how to fail, and they don't care to push themselves any more.

Gifted underachievers under-the-radar take shortcuts and certain risks, but none that ultimately help them succeed or reach their potential. Their decisions reflect passive rebellion, risk aversion, conflict avoidance, or attempts to entertain themselves. For example, they may:

• take "easier" classes to avoid homework that would require much effort

• avoid competitive activities, such as the debate team or math contests, to evade potentially envious or angry reactions from peers

• refuse to try anything that might lead to  or rejection, such as auditioning for the lead in the school play.

• until the last minute to see how quickly they can write a paper before the deadline. 

• refuse to  their musical instrument before band auditions, to see if they still make first chair, despite sight reading the music. 

• take pride in only reading SparkNotes and still getting A's in their AP English class. 

• avoid participating in the science fair because the project would require too much extra work

• refuse to for the SAT's, claiming they only want a "pure" score to reflect their abilities.

The long, slow road to underachievement

Gifted underachievers typically embark upon school just like most gifted children - eager to learn and excited to stretch themselves and take on new challenges. Disappointment gradually sets in - sometimes soon, sometimes later - but always in reaction to boredom and repetition. Gifted children get used to breezing through most material and occupying themselves while lessons are repeated for other children, They learn to stop asking so many questions to elude ridicule from peers or resentment from their teachers. They also learn that requests for more challenging assignments may evoke a sigh of frustration from an overburdened teacher, or result in busywork or extra homework.

Unlike more extreme gifted underachievers who struggle to attain even average grades, or drop out of school completely, gifted underachievers under-the-radar are not necessarily troubled with  sometimes attributed to underachievers, such as insecurity or perfectionism. And while they may experience pressure to and conform to socio/cultural and gender stereotypes, most of these students are not plagued with emotional or psychological problems. They have become apathetic, complacent, and frustrated in response to an educational environment that has consistently ignored their needs - often for years.

Frustration, apathy and fear

Most gifted underachievers under-the-radar juggle several competing emotions related to their efforts. Frustrated and angry toward a system that labels their learning needs as less important than those of their classmates, they become cynical about what school has to offer them. Some also may feel betrayed by teachers who have , criticized their outside-the-box thinking, or who failed to protect them from .

Apathetic toward schools that have eliminated opportunities such as acceleration or ability grouping, these students may stop caring about their own progress. While they may comply enough to achieve good grades, they rarely push themselves to reach their potential. If no one is going to encourage me, why should I bother?

Without the opportunity to tackle truly demanding academics, gifted underachievers under-the-radar develop a fragile sense of overconfidence. Cynical and critical of teachers and school, they may appear arrogant at times, but this attitude often masks underlying fears. Most realize that they lack the "" (i.e., organizational strategies and study skills) that their classmates have mastered. When learning seems effortless, there is little incentive to apply strategies and skills that appear unnecessary at the time. Unfortunately, these students remain unprepared for more rigorous work when it finally arrives. Many gifted underachievers suspect that their lack of preparation will catch up with them. They worry that they will be exposed as "impostors" once they land in a more demanding learning environment, and may secretly doubt their abilities.

Three tips for helping gifted underachievers

1. Improve their education 

This might seem obvious, as it serves to both prevent and remedy the problem. But given the philosophical and financial constraints present in many school districts, the needs of gifted children are frequently overlooked. Gifted underachievers under-the-radar benefit from learning that incorporates depth, complexity, and an accelerated pace, where they feel free to express their creativity, where they are not embarrassed to be themselves, and where they are grouped with like-minded peers. As have noted, gifted underachievers need to trust the academic environment and expect that they can succeed within it.

2. Enlist their sense of integrity

Gifted children are idealistic, with a highly developed sense of . They care about those who are less fortunate, and struggle with related to life's meaning. Sometimes their idealism results in discomfort with their talents or guilt about having choices that are unavailable to others. While their integrity is admirable, it can unnecessarily limit their options. Encourage them to appreciate that they can better position themselves to help those in need if they apply themselves academically. Help them recognize that ignoring their talents benefits no one.

3. Engage their passions and interests

Remind them that even if school has been a bore, they can direct their energy toward what they most enjoy learning. Whatever intrigued them as young children can be transformed into a variation of the original activity. If they loved Legos, for example, they could pursue robotics or architectural design. If their interests cannot be met at school, help them find extracurricular activities in the community or online. Once they discover a meaningful, engaging activity, they might be willing to challenge themselves, take on a new and difficult skill, or develop some of the self-regulatory strategies that previously seemed unnecessary.

A final note...

If you look carefully, you will find gifted underachievers under-the-radar coasting through schools everywhere. Some may hide behind average to above average grades; others may be stand-outs or even class valedictorians. None of them have tested their limits and they don't recognize the extent of their capabilities. As they get older and enter college, the work force, or , they may "hit a wall." Lacking adequate organizational strategies, fearful of risks, and new to the business of exerting effort, they may struggle with self-doubt, increased apathy, and even feelings of anxiety and shame. It is a disservice for schools to neglect these talented students and assume that grades and test scores are sufficient evidence that they are thriving.

Continued advocacy is needed so that even seemingly "successful" gifted students - those under the radar - are challenged to reach their potential.

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The Ultimate Guide to Tantrums

Photo credit: Creative Child Magazine

Tantrums. They’re one of the most talked about behaviors in the parenting world. They’re even with their kids. No doubt, tantrums give parents a hard time. The truth is, though, that during a tantrum, your child is having a hard time. Tantrums aren’t always a matter of defiance, especially in young children. There’s a logical, scientific, brain-based reason why your child is throwing a fit, and armed with this knowledge, you can handle tantrums more effectively.

As parents, we are usually given these 2 pieces of advice about tantrums.

1. Ignore the child.
2. NEVER give in.

We are told that if we engage with a child in any way during a tantrum, we are basically reinforcing the bad behavior. We believe if we ignore it, the behavior will stop, and because we are led to believe that a tantruming child is a manipulative child, we know we must never, at any cost, give in to their demands.

Unfortunately, this advice has us only looking at the behavior, not at the often-hurting child behind it. It drives us to push away our children rather than bringing them closer and offering comfort in times of need. Tantrums are a strong emotional reaction to a stimulus. When the information coming in trips an alarm and gets sent to our more primitive limbic system rather than our cortex (the higher brain which houses logic and reasoning), a tantrum can result. It actually takes a lot of maturity and self-control to not tantrum, because when that alarm gets tripped, our bodies get flooded with hormones that make us want to fight or run.

Yes, sometimes kids have a tantrum just to get their way. Tina Bryson, PhD calls this an upstairs tantrum. The child is in control (not acting from the lower brain), and pitching a fit to try and get her way. This is embarrassingly similar to our parental tantrums, isn't it? "My kid won't do anything I say until I start screaming!" So, we pitch a fit to get our kid to act. Then, we get really mad when our kid pitches a fit to get us to act.

But the truth is that doesn't mean that you are manipulative or mean or bad. It doesn't mean your kid is either. It simply means that, at that particular moment, both of you are out of resources. You have no idea how to get your need met in that moment other than to tantrum.

In either case, ignoring a child isn’t going to be effective. If it even appears to work, it’s likely she’s just learned to stuff her feelings down and not show them to you, which has no place in a healthy relationship.

The advice to never give in also isn’t helpful. It’s a blanket statement that doesn’t take into account the many different scenarios and personalities in play. If the child wants the blue cup and you bristle, refusing to give the blue cup just so you “don’t give in,” ask yourself if giving the blue cup is really going to ruin your kid. I don’t like the term “pick your battles” but there isn’t much point in making mountains out of molehills. There are enough mountains to climb as is.

So, what’s a parent to do when a child has a tantrum? I’ve asked my parenting expert and educator friends to send me their best tantrum resources, and I’ve compiled them for you in one place, the Ultimate Guide to Tantrums.

For Brain Science:
by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
by Tina Payne-Bryson, PhD
by Dirt & Boogers
by Nathan McTague

Preventing Tantrums:
by Dirt & Boogers
by TRU Parenting
by Parenting Beyond Punishment

Tips for Handling Tantrums:
By L.R. Knost
by Nicole Schwarz
by Nicole Schwarz
by Creative with Kids
by Not Just Cute
by The (Reformed) Idealist Mom
by Andrea Nair
by Andrea Nair

There’s an App for That!
Who can remember all of that great information in the moment every single time? Now there’s an incredible app! was developed a positive parenting expert and is helpful for more than just tantrums. It’s available for iPhone and Android.

My Tantrum Tips:

I know you don’t have time to read all of those at once, so here are my tips for dealing with tantrums:

1. Never withdraw your love and attention.
You don't have to necessarily give the child more attention, but don't ignore his very existence. That hurts. Acknowledge his distress and empathize with it, even if you have to do it from a distance. Some children want held, some want left alone, all want to feel loved and understood.

2. Teach her to recognize and label emotions.
There are a lot of ways to do this besides just naming them as they happen. There are free printables online, books, and other resources to teach emotional intelligence. Also, help them see and acknowledge what triggers them. "You get really upset when it's time to leave Grandma's. Let's work on ways to help you feel better about that."

3. Teach specific ways to deal with emotions.
My son used to love to pop a balloon when he was angry. He was two years old at the time. All kids (and adults) have different ways of calming themselves. Some like music. Others reading. Still others need to do something physical like clap their hands or rip paper. If they have an appropriate outlet for releasing their frustration, over time they'll learn to seek that outlet first.

4. Don’t punish. Teach.
Talk about whatever caused the tantrum after it's over and talk about ways to improve or handle the situation better. Teaching skills is always more effective than punishment. Just be sure to wait until the tantrum is over because when they’re operating from that lower brain, they aren’t going to take in the lesson.

5. Control yourself.
Tantrums can trigger our own strong emotional reaction. Put your own oxygen mask on first. We can’t teach kids how to do better if we can’t do better ourselves.

6. Give a little grace.
We are all human beings here. That doesn't excuse poor behavior, but if you've ever lost it on your kid, you can empathize with that strong feeling that makes us all behave poorly from time to time. Learn better. Teach them better. Give a little grace when it's needed.

There are loads of articles on the web about tantrums, all with contradicting advice, and many of them will tell you it’s best to ignore the child. It can be difficult to know what you should really do.

A good guiding question: How would you want to be treated?

I encourage you to tune in and listen to what your own heart tells you to do.

**

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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8 Actions to Chase Away the Mama Blues

Photo Credit: Creative Child Magazine

Motherhood is beautiful and joyful. It’s also exhausting and monotonous. Taking care of the ever-present needs of little ones often leaves little time for taking care of our own which can leave us feeling drained, dreary, and down in the dumps. If you’re feeling a little blue, try these tips to turn that frown upside down.

1. Check your focus.
My boys are all about Star Wars lately, and when I heard Qui-Gon Jinn say, “Your focus determines your reality,” I wrote it down. This is not just Jedi wisdom. Mamas need to understand that whatever we direct our thoughts and energy toward will determine what we live each day.
Are you focusing on your child’s flaws or her strengths? Are you paying more attention to his negative behavior or are you seeing his heart? Are you thinking more about the drudgery of every day, or are you looking for ? A simple shift in focus can pull you out of that dump.

2. Start off on the right foot.
If you can rise and shine before the kids get up, good for you! That’s certainly helpful, but it isn’t necessary for a positive start to the day. Whenever and however you wake up, remember L.E.A.P. This stands for lights, exercise, air, and protein. First thing, turn on a lot of lights or open the blinds. Next, get a bit of exercise. Stretch and move around to get your blood pumping and oxygen flowing through.

Also try to get some fresh air. Step outside, look up at the sky, and take a few deep breaths. Hello world! Finally, grab a bit of protein. Your body is ready to convert that into energy for your day, so don’t skip breakfast.

3. Reframe the negatives into positives.
Give thanks for the things that irritate you! “I’m grateful for these dishes. My children have eaten.” “I’m thankful for a hectic morning. We are alive and able to move around.” “I’m grateful for this huge, ginormous Lego pile scattered all across the living room floor, one of which I just stepped on because it means childhood is happening here.”

4. Pump up the jam.
Play upbeat music first thing in the morning while you make breakfast or get dressed. music actually improves your mood and has a lot of , likes lowering stress and anxiety. For added benefit, shake your booty. showed that dancing improves mental health.

5. Get curious.
Curiosity is a stepping stone to mindfulness, and . Ask yourself questions like “what am I noticing about my feelings today?” or “I wonder what is going on inside my child to cause her to behave that way?” or “what small step can I take toward that goal?”
By being curious rather than judgmental, notice how the energy shifts. Approach life with a child-like sense of wonder. See things in a new perspective, notice things you haven’t noticed before, and ask a lot of questions.

...

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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20 Gratitude Activities for Kids

In November, many people share something they’re thankful for each day on social media in preparation for the Thanksgiving holiday. Practicing gratitude makes us feel happier and more alive. The benefits of gratitude are many, and if we teach our children the art of gratitude while they’re young, they’re more likely to reap the benefits well into adulthood.

These gratitude activities will help you cultivate an “attitude of gratitude” in your little ones.

1. Create a . Each family member should add photos, notes, drawings, and mementos - anything they feel grateful for. It’s a good idea to keep it visible and add to it regularly, like once a month at a family meeting.

2. I found a wreath I can actually make! This is easy and festive. Just write what your kids are grateful for on the feathers.

3. Keep a  on the kitchen table. Let the kids decorate it with fall stickers or leaves. Each day, tell everyone to write down one thing they’re thankful for and put it in the jar.

4. I love this . Cut out leaves, have the kids write what they’re thankful for on them, and hang them on a branch.

5. Add the gratitude circle into your bedtime routine. Have the family sit in a circle and each person name something they’re grateful for.

6. Say grace before meals. A simple yet often overlooked gratitude practice, saying grace before we eat is a small way to teach kids to be thankful. If you’re not religious,

7. Get the little ones active with the . If you have an energetic kid, this is a great activity.

8. Take a gratitude walk. Go on an evening stroll and look for things to be grateful for, like the beautiful leaves, the smell of rain, and the friendly neighbors.

9. Make a . Each day leading up to Thanksgiving, add one strip per family member to the chain. You should have a nice, long chain to decorate with on Thanksgiving Day.

10. For a multisensory approach to gratitude, check out this .

11. Have the kids write letters of gratitude to community workers and hand-deliver them. Ideas are
police, fire department, school, bank, and hospital.

12. Buy a jar and dig a hole! It’s time to make a .
Just write what everyone is thankful for on strips of paper, roll them up and place them in the jar. Bury it in the back yard. Dig it up next Thanksgiving and read what everyone was grateful for last year, and then add new ones to the jar and bury it again.

13. These are a simple and cute way to cultivate gratitude in your little ones.

14. Read books about gratitude together.  and this list from 

15.  made gratitude pumpkins with strips of orange construction paper.

...continue reading the list at

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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30 Days of Play in November!

, I began a new series, giving you simple and inexpensive play ideas for every day of the month. You asked for me to keep these posts coming every month, and so here are 30 fresh new play ideas for the month of November! Plus, since the season of Thanksgiving is upon us, check out these .


1. Play balloon tennis. Tape a paper plate to a paint stick for the tennis racket, and use a balloon as the tennis ball.

2. Build a town out of cardboard boxes. Cut holes for doors and windows, decorate the “buildings” with construction paper, crayons, glitter, or whatever else you have on hand, and use small toys and figures to occupy your town.

3. Pretend play detectives. Create clues for the kids to follow and see if they can solve the mystery!

4. Play traditional birthday party games even if it’s nobody’s birthday. .

5. Watch a Thanksgiving movie together after the big dinner. .

6. Act out a children’s book, like We’re Going on a Bear Hunt.

7. Do karaoke.

8. Set up a science lab with beakers, test tubes, water, color tablets, and measuring spoons.

9. Visit a pumpkin patch.

10. Make a pumpkin pie together with the pumpkin you picked at the patch.

11. Do a for some fun outdoor science.

12. Paint each other’s faces with face paint.

13. Make a homemade corn pit. Fill a small baby pool with two 50-pound bags of corn from the local feed store. Add shovels and buckets.

14. Visit a local planetarium or science center.

15. Grab binoculars and go bird watching.

16. Play video games together.

17. Make a Thanksgiving craft. .

18. Blow up balloons with glow sticks inside and hang them from the bedroom ceiling for delightful nightlights.

19. Make homemade ice cream together. .

20. Play I Spy.

21. Peel the paper off broken crayons and melt them in flexible shaped trays, .

22. Freeze small toys in a muffin tin and throw the iced toys in the bath. The kids will enjoy watching them melt to reveal the toy.

23. Work a puzzle together.

24. Go on a hayride.

25. Make pet rocks, rock people, and even a whole rock village.

26. Make a treasure map and go on a treasure hunt.

27. Visit a local corn maze.

28. Gather all the stuffed animals and set up a pretend veterinarian’s office, or for educational fun, sort them by habitat.

29. Make a beanbag toss game:

• Cut out squares of felt.
• Hot glue 2 squares together on 3 edges, leaving a pocket opening.
• Fill with beans, and hot glue the last side shut.
• Cut out a hole in sturdy cardboard for the target, or just toss them into a basket or bowl.

30. Play The Floor is Lava! Game:

• Pull the couch cushions on the floor.
• All players must jump from cushion to cushion.
• Be careful not to step on the floor. It’s hot!

This post was originally published at .

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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Enforcing Limits While Remaining Connected

Enforcing Limits While Remaining Close with Our Kids

For the past 6 years, I’ve centered my work around one message: Connection is everything. It’s the . It’s the . It’s our ticket to enjoying the journey more, but how can we set boundaries and correct our children without losing that connection? If we confuse “staying connected” with “never upsetting our children,” things begin to get very hazy.

Early on in my transition to respectful, connected parenting, I made the mistake of confusing the two. Fearful of ruining our bond, I struggled with setting and enforcing limits, and the frustration that resulted almost caused me to go back to my traditional punitive ways. Thankfully, I kept reading and learning, and finally I figured out So, if you’re struggling with something similar in your parenting journey, I’d like to share with you what helped me learn to stand firm yet gentle in my position as leader.

Here’s something to remember. A good connection isn’t feeble.

It isn’t going to break because you say no. It isn’t going to crumble when you hold a boundary or even allow a consequence. A temporarily upset child (or parent) doesn’t equal a broken bond. When I was tip-toeing around my kids, afraid of breaking our connection by upsetting them, I felt powerless to change their behavior. When I realized our relationship wasn’t that fragile, I was able to set and enforce limits and correct my children’s off-track behavior with confidence.

Think of parenting like a balance scale for a moment.

There should be lots of positive, happy, snuggly, smiling moments and fewer negative (correcting, reprimanding, upsetting, frustrating) moments. The positive should outweigh the negative a good deal. When we focus too much on correcting or reprimanding and don’t give enough positive attention, the scale starts to tip in the wrong direction. When the negative outweighs the positive, connections crumble.

Therefore, to keep your connection secure, make sure your scale is favorable. If you’re going through a particularly challenging phase, up the positive attention!

Ah, but there’s a small caveat. Even though we may have fewer negative moments than positive moments, being harsh or shaming during correction and enforcing of limits is damaging to the relationship. In other words, saying “no, I won’t allow you to do that” isn’t damaging, but “you’re a bad boy, why would you be so mean?” is.

It turns out that is a pretty common thing, and although children are very forgiving when we , harsh words and actions leave their mark. So, learning how to approach negative behavior in a positive way is important for keeping our connections strong, and this requires a shift in mindset and approach.

Changing Your Mindset

Positive parenting requires a shift from a fear-based mindset to a love-based mindset. The fear-based mindset says:

• I must control my child’s behavior. (authoritarian)
• My child learns not to repeat bad behavior by being punished. (authoritarian)
• I’m the dominant figure; my child is “under” me. (authoritarian)
• My child will hate me if I upset him. (permissive)

Trying to positively parent with a fear-based mindset doesn’t work because the focus is still on who has the control, you or your child.

The love-based mindset says:

• My role is to teach my child appropriate behavior.
• My child learns through example and through limits set and enforced respectfully.
• While I am the leader, my child is a human being with equal rights to be respected and heard.

The real shift occurs when you move away from controlling your child’s behavior toward understanding your child’s behavior. Only when you understand where it’s coming from can you help him learn to do better.

Changing Your Approach

Now that the focus is off control and on connection and understanding, how do you approach correcting her of enforcing your limit while maintaining your connection?

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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Why do smart women forego success?

Gifted girls show exceptional promise, typically surpassing boys on most measures of success. Their language, attention and fine motor skills are often 1 1/2 years ahead when they enter school, and their social maturity and relational skills help them thrive in most academic settings. Confident in their abilities, they excel throughout school, receiving higher grades on average than boys. They are also more likely to graduate from high school, college or graduate school.

Despite their relative success, many bright, talented women no longer maintain their confident youthful enthusiasm. Criticized by high-profile authors like for not climbing the career ladder, women are often reluctant to in the workforce or pursue higher paying careers, such as those in . Some even feel like impostors, tormented by self-doubt and insecurity.

Why do gifted women lose confidence?

The self-doubt and insecurity start out gradually...

Those bright, energetic gifted girls often start to downplay their talents by in an attempt to fit in. They mask their abilities and "dumb themselves down" to appeal to boys, fit society's image of an attractive woman, and avoid conflict with friends. Their self-esteem starts to decrease, and  in their abilities, especially in math and science. They may steer clear of the more difficult math courses, believing that boys are intrinsically "more gifted."

Insecurity and self-doubt often persist throughout high school. , for example, found that feelings of hopelessness, discouragement, emotional vulnerability and perfectionism increased for gifted girls from 1st through 12th grades. In , 3/4 of girls who graduated from a school for the gifted did not think they were smart.

Women in college continue to doubt themselves. Many gifted women are challenged for the first time once they arrive at college, and rather than embrace this opportunity, they view it as confirmation of their inadequacies. found that female valedictorians lost confidence in themselves when they were in college, despite getting good grades, and that their insecurity increased as they got older.

What are some reasons gifted women hold themselves back?

1. Impostor syndrome: 

Women may doubt themselves and think they have fooled others. Talents and accomplishments are denigrated. Women who feel like impostors assume that it is only a matter of time before their "actual" incompetence and lack of intelligence will be revealed.  Social psychology  have shown that men consistently overestimate and women consistently underestimate their abilities and subsequent performance. As long as they view themselves as , they will continue to doubt and disparage their accomplishments.

2. Attribution error: 

Women often attribute their success to luck or effort, and any failure to lack of ability or an internal flaw. There is a widespread assumption that gifted men are intrinsically "smarter" and that women's success is due to hard work.  In one , presumed brilliance was identified as the reason why women were underrepresented in certain fields in both science and liberal arts (e.g., STEM, philosophy, economics), and their prevalence in other fields (e.g., molecular biology, neuroscience, psychology) was attributed to hard work.

3. A higher standard:

Women often hold themselves to an unreasonably high standard. They expect themselves to perfect a skill, have complete knowledge of the facts or master an argument before they assert their authority. Women often lack confidence, hold back on asking for a promotion, expect to earn less, and ask for less when it comes to salary. According to :

"Success, it turns out, correlates just as closely with confidence as it does with competence. No wonder that women, despite all our progress, are still woefully underrepresented at the highest levels."

4. Identity conflict:

Adult women also doubt their right to engage in focused, competitive goals. They don't want to be labeled as "bitchy" or bossy, and worry that success will be seen as a threat to friends, family or men.  to focus on relationships and to put others first, and a single-minded emphasis on career is in conflict with their sense of self. Even self-identified feminists may feel guilty winning an award, surpassing colleagues for a promotion, or being the .

But, sometimes, it's not about confidence...

Self-doubt, sexist stereotypes, prejudices, an absence of workplace support (e.g., no child-care or family leave), and the glass ceiling all impact women's progress; yet one of the greatest dilemmas many gifted women face involves finding a meaningful work-life balance. This not only includes an ability to combine work, relationships and child-raising, but also pursuing a career that is both meaningful and challenging.

Many women feel torn between pursuing a career that is personally meaningful (such as one focusing on social justice) and a job in a lucrative or competitive field.  A challenging career may be compelling, but women also want flexibility, autonomy, the ability to make a difference, and options for including in the equation. 

reported that interests and preferences explain 83% of the gender differences in choosing a career in information technology - not confidence or math ability. Women were identified in this study as being less interested in inanimate systems, and more concerned with plants, animals and people.

also concluded that women made an active choice to avoid STEM careers, suggesting that women may not want to sacrifice personal interests for salary, are less willing to tolerate the relocations often required in these jobs, and may want to focus on people and the arts rather than objects.

 referred to a frequently quoted Hewlett-Packard internal report indicating that women applied for promotions only when they thought they met 100% of the qualifications, whereas men applied as long as they assumed that they met 60% of the criteria. Mohr claimed that women's lack of confidence was not the only interpretation to consider: fear of failure, a tendency to strictly follow rules, and lack of familiarity with the hiring process also hold women back.

In the , those who scored in the top 1% were tracked down in their 50's. While most were highly satisfied with their lives, earned more than others, and were more likely to have doctoral degrees, gender differences were identified. Men were more likely to be CEO's, work in IT or STEM, to have pursued higher pay and freedom as career goals, and earned more than the women in the study ($140,000 vs. $80,000 on average); the women were more likely to work in health sciences, arts or education careers, and sought fewer work hours and greater flexibility in their work.

What smart women need to know...

Smart women need to appreciate their talents and recognize their right to accomplish whatever goals they set for themselves. Negative stereotypes and expectations that either they or others impose need to be challenged and relinquished. Decisions based on values, needs and personal goals rather than conformity, external pressure or a desire to please others is critical. Women do not have to pursue a highly competitive career; they just need to know that they are entitled to choose that path, or to turn it down for something equally meaningful. 


In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:







Articles and books worth reading:

American Association of University Women. (2015). Solving the equation: The variables for women’s success in engineering and computing. Washington, D.C., author.

Gilligan, C. (1982). In a different voice: Psychological theory of women’s development. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press.

Hill, C., Corbett, C., & St. Rose, A. (2010). Why so few? Women in science, technology, engineering and mathematics. American Association of University Women. 1111 Sixteenth Street NW, Washington, DC. 

Jensen, F. & Nutt, A. (2015, January 3). Teen girls have different brains: Gender, neuroscience and the truth about adolescence. Salon.com.  Retrieved from http:///

Jordan, J., Kaplan, A, Miller, J. Stiver, I. & Surrey, J. (1991). Women’s growth in connection. New York: Guilford Press.

Jordan, J., Walker, M. & Hartling, L. (2004). The complexity of connections. New York: Guilford Press.

Kanazawa, S. & Perina, K. (2009). Why do so many women experience the “imposter syndrome”? [Blog post]. Retrieved from https://

Kay, K & Shipman, C. (2014, May). The Confidence Gap. The Atlantic. Retrieved from http://

Lubinski, D., Benbow, C., & Harrison, K. (2014). Life paths and accomplishments of mathematically precocious males and females four decades later. Psychological Science, 25, 2217-2232.

Pinker, S. (2010, April, 19). Women, computers and engineering: It’s not all about bias. [Blog post]. Retrieved from: https://.

Russell Sage Foundation. (2013). The rise of women: Seven charts showing women’s rapid gains in educational achievement. New York, author.


This blog is part of the Hoagie's Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Ages and Stages of Giftedness. To see more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:

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50 Ways to Love a Child

We have such a deep love for our children. Everything we do, every decision we make from the time they come into our lives, we do because we love them so very much. The question is, though, how much do they feel our love? We may say it a hundred times a day, but are we really speaking their language?

In , authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell outline the 5 different ways children receive love. All children receive love through each language, but for each child, there is one particular that has the loudest voice. This personal love language fills their tank the fastest. This is important because when a child’s tank is full, when they feel loved and , they are happier, more cooperative, and they take in what we teach much more readily.
If you aren’t sure what your child’s love language is, you can .
Don’t have time for the assessment? Ask yourself these three simple questions:

1. How does my child show love to me?
2. What do they often request?
3. What makes their eyes light up?

When speaking your child’s love language, attitude is everything. When doing an act of service or giving a gift, for example, it must come from a genuine place of wanting to show love and never be for the purpose of bribing or manipulating a child. It’s important to communicate genuine, unconditional love to fill their tanks with.

Physical Touch – Physical affection is an easy way to show our love. Most children are receptive to this language, and for some, it speaks the loudest.

Here are 10 ways to show love to the child whose love language is physical touch.

1. Hold hands when you walk side by side or when you tell stories.
2. Give high fives.
3. Offer lots of hugs and kisses.
4. Sit close or invite them on to your lap.
5. Give back rubs or foot massages.
6. Touch their shoulder when talking or making a request.
7. Ask often if they need a hug or cuddle.
8. Offer hugs and cuddles after correction.
9. Play Twister, roughhouse, or other physical games.
10. Make up a special secret handshake between the two of you.

Words of Affirmation – Every child blossoms with words of encouragement and positive guidance. These kind words nurture a child’s sense of worth and feelings of security. For some children, this is how they receive love the best. Be aware that criticism and a harsh tone of voice or negative body language are particularly hard on children whose primary love language is words of affirmation.

Here are 10 ways to show love in this language.

1. Give the child a sweet nickname.
2. Leave notes in their lunchbox.
3. Say “I love you” first and often.
4. Tell them .
5. Verbally affirm their positive actions.
6. Tell them you’re proud of them.
7. Offer sincere, heartfelt compliments.
8. Verbalize your love after correction.
9. Write notes, cards, or letters.
10. Find something off of this list of to say each day.

Quality Time – Spending time with our children when we are intently focused on them, pushing aside our agendas and distractions, is a beautiful gift. Quality time says “You are important to me. I like spending time with you.”

If Quality Time is your child’s love language, here are 10 ways to fill her tank.

1. Play with them without distractions.
2. Read together.
3. Go on mommy/daddy dates. .
4. Let your child choose how to spend the time together.
5. Cook together or have dinner together regularly.
6. Tell them stories of your childhood.
7. Laugh and tell jokes.
8. Practice .
9. .
10. Spend quality time together after correction.

Gifts – All children like gifts, but for the child whose love language is gifts, it’s not about just collecting objects. The gift is a symbol of the thought behind it. It says, “I was thinking of you.” The cost is not important.

Here are 10 meaningful ideas for speaking this language.

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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