Supporting your emotionally excitable gifted child

She's just too sensitive. Why does he overreact to every little thing? I wish she would just go with the flow.

Have you heard these comments about your child?

Have you even said them yourself at times, especially during moments of exasperation?

Many gifted children exhibit heightened sensitivity and reactivity, or emotional overexcitability.  One of Dabrowski's , emotional excitability can create particular challenges for parents, teachers, and especially for the child who may feel she is held captive by powerful and overwhelming emotions.

Imagine what it must be like to:

• Experience strong, intense reactions to seemingly innocuous events and situations because the place, person or situation triggers a powerful memory or association

• React intensively to even routine situations, experiencing strong emotions and even physical effects such as headaches or heart palpitations

• Feel drained because of overwhelming empathy and compassion for those who are less fortunate and suffering

• Become distracted from routine tasks, responsibilities and even pleasurable activities because of a preoccupation with and injustices

• Struggle with heightened sensitivity and fear of social rejection, and feel comfortable only with intense and meaningful and relationships

• Experience sadness and depression because of existential anxiety due to a precocious concern with death and the meaning of life

• Weather criticism for being too , reactive, "dramatic," emotional, gloomy, introverted, pessimistic, serious, or even idealistic

Then again, as the parent of a gifted child, you are probably gifted, and may know all too well what it feels like to be emotionally excitable. But whether the emotional reactivity is eerily familiar or hard to fathom, there are some basic tools for managing your child's emotions:

Establish a no-shame zone

It is easy to unintentionally minimize your child's feelings. Even well-meaning attempts to help him gain perspective may instill feelings of shame. Gifted children are particularly sensitive to feeling ashamed as a result of their highly sensitive and introspective nature. When the parents they love and trust tell them that what they are feeling is nonsense, they may feel ashamed of their reactions and even of their basic nature. Establish an environment where feelings and reactions are acceptable, even if certain behaviors (e.g., hitting) are not allowed.

Help make feelings more understandable

Even young gifted children can learn to connect the dots when it comes to feelings. This does not mean launching into a discussion when she is in the middle of a tantrum. But it does include helping her understand that feelings are not magical and can be associated with actual events. You might point out, for example, that most people feel cranky when they are hungry, that it's normal to get angry when someone takes your toys, and the pit of fear in her stomach happens to a lot of kids on their first day of school. Simple, reasonable explanations help gifted children make sense of their inner turmoil.

Find outlets for emotions

Help your child feel comfortable expressing his feelings. Help him learn to verbally express what he feels in an open and respectful manner at home with his family (e.g., "I get mad when my brother can stay up later than me") to minimize the likelihood of either acting out the anger (i.e, hitting his brother) or learning to suppress anger altogether. Appropriate physical expressions of anger can also help (punching a pillow, engaging in exercise). Create an environment where sad feelings are acceptable and tears are never mocked or criticized.

Explore healthy tools for managing and containing emotions

Gifted children also benefit from learning how to contain their thoughts and emotions at times. Your child will learn a valuable lesson in social skills, for example, if she can refrain from telling her friends that they are clueless. You can also help her learn how to relax, calm herself, and use comforting and healthy distraction skills when upset. Deep breathing exercises, mindfulness techniques, and calming music are useful tools even young children can learn. (Note: there are many apps and tools online that offer deep breathing and mindfulness techniques for children. If you don't find any that work, your child might benefit from a mindfulness class or meeting with a therapist.)

Emotional reactivity is part of who they are

Gifted children must accept and make peace with who they are. Emotional reactivity and sensitivity is not just a theoretical construct: has identified greater activity in brain regions associated with empathy among highly sensitive people. Gifted children can learn to accept their emotional reactivity as one aspect of who they are, and as a trait that can enrich their world. It can enhance their lives with great sensitivity, insight, and intensity, but also bring pain and despair if left untended. As a parent, you can help them appreciate this gift by showing acceptance and appreciation for their sensitivity (even when it is exasperating), by guiding them to find the tools to manage their struggles, and by showing compassion when they need your support.

This blog is part of the Hoagies Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Overexcitabilities. To read more blogs in the hop, click on the following link:
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4 Parental Behaviors to Avoid

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned relationship expert. Through many years of research, he has discovered 4 behaviors that we should avoid if we want to have strong, healthy relationships. He calls these behaviors the four horsemen of the apocalypse because they are sure to bring about the end of a relationship. Having a healthy, connected relationship with our children is what enables us to influence and guide them throughout childhood; therefore, having knowledge and understanding of these 4 pitfalls and their antidotes can help you build a better relationship with those most precious to you – your children.

Horseman #1: Criticism
Parents often use criticism in an attempt to motivate a child to do better, but criticism rarely motivates. It tears down. Criticism is pointing out something negative – basically shining a spotlight on the child’s flaws and negative traits. The problem is that, according to Dr. Julie Gottman, “kids take in all that criticism as a way of reflecting who they are.” It makes children believe that there is something wrong with them. that parents should be the people who see the best in our children and shine the spotlight on their good qualities. Children can’t see and live up to the best in themselves if we’re always pointing out the worst.

Examples of Criticism:
“You’re so clumsy.” “Why can’t you ever remember to make your bed? What is wrong with you?” “Look at this mess! You’re too lazy to clean your room.” “You’re spoiled rotten and don’t appreciate anything!”

What are kids really hearing in these phrases? Be more careful to not spill your drink? Please be responsible and make your bed? I’d like for you to tidy your room? I wish you were more appreciative? No. They’re hearing: You’re clumsy. You’re stupid. You’re lazy. You’re spoiled. Any motivation to do better is squashed under the weight of shame.

The Fix:
Leave out character judgments and use “I statements” to state what you want. “Oops, it spilled. I want you to get a cloth and wipe it up.” “I want you to make your bed, please.” “I want you to clean your room before you go to your friend’s house.”

Horseman #2: Contempt
Contempt is criticism coming from a place of superiority. It comes out as name-calling, sneering, eye-rolling, sarcasm, hostile humor, and mockery. Interestingly, contempt not only predicted how relationships would go but it predicted how many infectious illnesses the listener would have in the coming year! I can only conclude from that talking down to a child tears down more than his self-esteem.

Examples of Contempt:
“Stupid brat!” “Are you ignorant? Why would you do that?” “You wouldn’t even think of picking up your clothes, would you?” “Aw, look at the little baby crying again! Wah wah!”

The Fix:
The antidote for contempt is respect. Treat your child with the same respect you want her to treat you with.

Horseman #3: Defensiveness
Defensiveness is described as a reaction against feeling personally attacked; self-protection through righteous indignation or playing the victim. In the parent-child relationship, the parent may feel defensive when he realizes he was actually in the wrong or when a child points out the parent’s flaws (criticizes the parent). Basically, defensiveness says “the problem is not me, it’s you.” It’s avoiding taking responsibility by placing blame on the child.

Examples of Defensiveness:
“I wouldn’t have yelled if you’d have done what you were told!” “I shouldn’t have called you stupid, BUT you made me so angry.”

The Fix:
Accept responsibility for your part in the problem, and listen to how your child is feeling with an attempt to truly understand her position. “I shouldn’t have called you stupid. I’m sorry.” “I apologize for yelling. I lost my temper.” ..

For more of my Positive Parenting articles featured in Creative Child Magazine, .

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An Accelerated Journey

Michelle Vaisman on Graduation Day

Meet Michelle Vaisman; an extraordinary young woman who benefited from radical acceleration and parents who supported her along the way. Acceleration works and it’s time to celebrate the successes rather than rely on a few anecdotal tales of students who were ill-prepared for the journey by adults in the process. 

Michelle Vaisman

 

I have written about several young people with similar experiences . One of the common threads that runs through all their shared experiences is the importance of parents and the environment they provided for their curious, passionate, smart kids.

The report, , released earlier this year by the at the University of Iowa’s Belin-Blank Center is a 10 year follow-up to the seminal report, A Nation Deceived. In a recent , Dr. Ann Shoplik, director of the Acceleration Institute, explained why the new report was written, “Acceleration is the most-researched, yet under-utilized program option for gifted kids. Policy and practice haven’t kept up with the research on acceleration. Short and long-term research evidence is clear: Acceleration works! Colleges of Education don’t teach acceleration. We must inform administrators and teachers.”

The benefits of acceleration are well-documented. Students who are accelerated demonstrate exceptional achievements years later. Dr. Shoplik tell us, “Failing to accelerate an able student is likely to have negative effects on motivation, productivity; may even lead to dropping out. Achieving success in a class that is challenging bolsters confidence, raises expectations, and alters mindsets.”

“Acceleration is the most-researched, yet under-utilized program option for gifted kids. Policy and practice haven’t kept up with the research on acceleration." ~ Dr. Ann Shoplik

Michelle Vaisman first came to my attention when her mother, Karen, posted her story on Gifted Parenting Support’s Facebook Page. Her story is remarkable:

• A alumni of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development
• A member of Mensa since age 10
• Earned a $13,000 merit scholarship from Mary Baldwin College based on SAT scores at age 11 after participating in
• Acceptance to college at the day before her 13^th birthday
• Became a Global Honors Scholar with a 4.00 GPA at Mary Baldwin College
• Dual degrees (B.S. in chemistry and B.A. in applied math 3.95 GPA) from
• Summer undergraduate research conducted at Cornell, Caltech and Harvard University
• Earned her M.S. in Electrical Engineering in May 2015 from Yale University
• Currently completing her PhD in

Michelle receiving her Masters from Yale May 2015

A recent headline on a British news website admonished parents not to brag about their gifted kids. How do you not brag about this young lady? Her accomplishments are incredible for someone so young.

Michelle’s mother was kind enough to share her story with me. Her personal perspective adds a dose of reality to the narrative. Here is some of the advice she shared:

• Identified as a profoundly gifted child, she was highly motivated. Even as early as age 9, Michelle recognized her school’s rejection of pleas for acceleration as a challenge. Clearing these hurdles taught her important life lessons and eventually brought her a great deal of satisfaction.
• Due to privacy laws, once Michelle was a fully matriculated college student, we learned colleges would not talk to parents regardless of the student’s age. Her mother credits this for Michelle gaining self-confidence, persistence and self-advocacy skills. However, personality plays a huge role in a child’s ability to stand up to adults within the system; confrontations can easily end poorly unless monitored closely.
• The ability to defend exam grades, papers and lab grades without parental intervention plays an important role in college success. Failure to do so could result in a tremendous disadvantage to a younger student with long-term consequences.
• Michelle learned that merit scholarships are rarely offered to a transfer student. After attending Mary Baldwin College, she was no longer eligible at subsequent universities for merit scholarships. Need-based scholarships were different. We found this out by surprise once our journey was underway. Budget wisely.
• When transferring colleges, know the colleges’ policies regarding maximum number of transfer credits and acceptable coursework. Failure to know the rules can result in huge financial expenses, loss of time or even the inability to graduate. (The UC system in California has this ruling.) Even gifted students need parental guidance to navigate this part of college planning which can be difficult, time consuming and costly. College counselors are often only familiar with their own school and not the student’s full 4 year plan integrating multiple schools, community college and other coursework into their final transcript.
• To increase her chance of acceptance (age discrimination being a factor), when submitting her summer REU and college transfer applications; she applied to 15 or more schools. On average, she was successfully admitted to over half the schools and programs to which she applied. She also succeeded in honing her writing skills in the process.
• Test scores, grades, writing skills and recommendation letters from professors were intricate components to this process. Knowing standardized testing calendars meant getting applications in on time without missing critical deadlines.
• Learning how to network and build relationships with adults along the way was an important lesson. Age discrimination was a real concern up until the age of 18.
• Although 5 years younger, Michelle was quite social; making friends and developing relationships with college classmates. Social interaction impacted her continued success and happiness in college. So at the age of 20, she is waiting patiently to be able to enter a bar (age 21) where much of the socialization takes place in graduate school.
• Meanwhile, she is the team leader of her coed intramural grad school softball team and attends outside activities like dancing, swimming and parties.
• Maturity for an early entrance student is fast-tracked. As parents, we often had to hang on for the ride and we saw real measurable leaps in her development on a monthly basis as opposed to a yearly one. While rewarding, it was simultaneously unnerving.

Since starting graduate school, Michelle has been financially self-supporting as a math tutor. She earned two fellowships this year; one from the National Science Foundation and one from NASA. She chose NASA in order to research solar cells with a space technology application. She also volunteers and works with young STEM students at Yale’s ManyMentors program; particularly young women in science. After completing her PhD, Michelle wants to focus on making the world a better place by toward furthering developments in the alternative energy field.

A proud and devoted mother, Karen Vaisman tells her daughter’s story to inspire bright young minds at the beginning of their educational journey who are faced with a system that says "no you can't do it” to become independent, successful students who realize they indeed can! She points to the need for strong parental support, continued open communication, a keen understanding of your own child’s maturity and ability to handle adult interactions and challenges without parental intervention. Karen emphasizes the importance of both parents working together to ensure the success of their children.

Michelle and Her Parents

If you would like more information on Michelle’s journey, Karen can be contacted . What has been your experience with acceleration? It’s time to share the good news that acceleration can and does work!

Photos courtesy of

Parts of this post were excerpted from a post at the Global #gtchat Powered by TAGT Blog .

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Becoming an Emotion Coach

I'm over at The Gottman Institute today with a post on becoming emotional coaches for our children. Did you now that being able to understand and manage emotions well is one of the key predictors for a successful life? Read on to learn how to give your child a head start!

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What determines how children turn out? This is the question on every parent's mind. What can we do to give our children the best start in life and to ensure that they grow into kind, intelligent, and happy people? As parents, we all want to raise kids who:

• Are compassionate
• Treat others well
• Are confident
• Think for themselves
• Have good values
• Are proud but not arrogant
• Value themselves and their abilities
• Have morals we respect and admire

Interestingly, world-renowned relationship researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman have determined two predictors for how children turn out.

1.  Emotion regulation: The ability to understand and manage feelings

2.  Social relationships: How children get along with adults and other children

Unfortunately, very few parenting resources discuss these two predictors. Most parenting resources focus only on discipline, and that alone does not help parents reach these goals. Realizing that parenting is about so much more than a discipline method - that a big part of good parenting is teaching children emotion regulation - I turned to the Gottmans’  video program.

Dr. John Gottman says that parents cannot accomplish all of these goals with discipline alone, and that this is instead accomplished through what Dr. Julie Gottman calls “Magic Moments.” These are moments of connecting with children when they are emotional. It is through connecting during Magic Moments that parents can really influence how children feel about themselves and about the world. How we connect during those moments is dependent upon our own “meta-emotions,” which is how we feel about feelings, and of course, how we feel about feelings is a direct result of how we were treated in childhood when we showed emotions!

In general, the Gottmans discovered that there are 2 types of parents when it comes to meta-emotions.

1.  Dismissing/disapproving parents who see sadness and anger as though they are harmful poisons. These parents will do anything to change the child’s emotion to a positive one, feeling that anything other than a happy child is an indication that they are a failure as a parent. They says these parents view emotions as if they were a piece of clothing that you can choose to put on or take off.

2.  Emotion coaches are parents who view emotions as an opportunity to connect and teach. These parents, Dr. John Gottman says, notice lower intensity emotion in their children as well as in themselves. They meet all emotion first with understanding and empathy, and then these parents set limits or problem-solve, depending upon whether misbehavior was connected to the emotion.

In the  program, the Gottmans outline the benefits of having at least one emotion coaching parent. These children:

• Have higher achievement
• Have fewer infectious illness
• Have better impulse control and delayed gratification
• Require less discipline
• Whine less
• Are buffered from most negative effects of divorce

How to be an Emotion Coach:
1.  Help children verbally label their emotions. To be able to regulate emotions, children must understand them – what they feel like, what brings them on, and what to do when they feel them.

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The Positive Discipline Difference

Last week, I debunked the myth that positive parents just want to be friends with their children. You can read that post . This week, I want to address the idea that we simply don’t discipline our children. “But kids need discipline” is a recurrent comment on my , and I must say that I absolutely agree. Kids DO need discipline! So do teachers, firefighters, artists, store managers, farmers, - every responsible, productive human being. So, the question is, what is discipline and how do we make sure our kids have it?

If you look up the definition for discipline today, you’re going to get something along the lines of “to punish or rebuke for an offense,” which I think is an unfortunate twist of the original Latin meaning, “instruction or knowledge.” I almost never punish my kids, but I do offer a lot of instruction and knowledge (which I wouldn’t do if I were permissive). Therefore, I definitely discipline my children, just not in the same way as many, and there’s a reason for that. The conventional way of discipline, to punish for an offense, is problematic for several reasons:

Quick-fix: By doling out an immediate punishment, we’ve skipped right over an attempt at understanding the cause of the behavior and what the child may need taught or helped with in favor of a quick-fix solution to make the behavior stop. Unfortunately, when we miss the cause or need behind the behavior, we’ve missed a key opportunity to help the child learn to understand and control himself, and ultimately I think that’s the real goal here – a child who is self-disciplined (who doesn’t need a parent following her around enforcing rules). We want them to know how to do what’s right when we aren’t there with our threats and parental power, yet we undermine our own efforts when we skip the teaching what’s right part in favor of the quick fix.

Missed connection:It’s clear that punishing children causes a disconnection between us and them, but most parents feel that the disconnection is necessary in order to teach the child a lesson. Ironically, connection is the very thing that makes children follow our rules, heed our instruction, and want to do well. In addition, the , and leads to higher self-confidence, resilience, social skills, and emotional health. When we approach a behavioral issue with the intent to understand and teach rather than to make the child pay, we can discipline while maintaining our crucial connection.

Wrong focus:Punishment often makes children focus more on their own suffering than on the effects of their behavior. In her book , Dr. Becky Bailey says this, “You cannot simultaneously feel bad about what you have done and focus on what you must do differently.” In this way, punishment actually shuts down learning, and the lesson we are trying to teach is lost on a resentful child. Sadly, for some children, punishment makes them feel so badly that they begin to believe they are bad people, and when that gets into a child’s self-concept, he will behave the way he sees himself. Psychologists refer to this as a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Those are the reasons I have chosen to discipline differently, with the intent to instruct and impart knowledge rather than to punish. To be clear, I have had to allow because, as we all know, poor behavior has negative consequences, but these are natural consequences that I don’t have to impose or a result of a solution that my child and I have arrived at together. If you’re wondering what I do instead of punishment, take at a look at to the old time-out I used to use.

Positive parents discipline in an unconventional way, but the idea that we don’t discipline at all is FALSE. In fact, I spend a good amount of time each day disciplining my children. It can be confusing to understand how to discipline without relying on punishment. It took a while for me to fully understand it, too. Once I did understand the reasons for connection, finding the need behind the behavior, teaching appropriate alternatives, and looking for solutions to problems, it became much easier to discipline my children positively, and I really feel that the benefits have been great for us all.

The links provided in the article will provide some insight into alternative methods of discipline. For more, pick up and .

For more of my Positive Parenting articles, .

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Are We Just Friends?

During my years as administrator of a popular on Facebook, I’ve seen quite a few myths swirling about the public regarding positive parents. In this new series, Debunking Myths about Positive Parenting, I’ll be addressing such myths as:

• Positive parents just want to be friends with their children
• Positive parents don’t discipline
• Positive parents reward tantrums and misbehavior
• Positive parents are helicopter parents
• Positive parents are permissive parents

As a positive parent for 9 years now, I want to discuss this idea that I just want to be my children’s friend. While it is true that friendship is an aspect of the positive parent/child relationship (and an important one), the idea that I only want to be buddies is completely FALSE.

Let me be clear about what kind of friend I am NOT:

1. I’m not the kind of friend who lets them make poor choices while I sit idly by or even, gasp, join in.

It seems that the thought of a parent being a child’s friend conjures up images of a parent who gives no rules, no boundaries, and no discipline. These “friends” turn away when their children misbehave because correcting the child would cause ill feelings which might jeopardize the friendship.

At worst, these “friends” may even join their children for a night of partying and poor decisions to strengthen the friendship bond. How is this the definition of a friend? I hope my friends would care enough about me to step in if they saw me heading down a destructive path, and boundaries are a part of all healthy relationships.

2. I’m not the kind of friend who inappropriately confides in my children or dumps all of my emotional baggage on them.

Another “friend” concern that I’ve heard about is that of over-sharing our adult problems. While I believe in being authentic with my children, I don’t think it would be mature of me to dump my issues, worries, problems, and fears on their heads, and I think all positive parents would agree. I know how to save that for my grown-up friends and not burden my children with things they shouldn’t have to carry.

3. I’m not the kind of friend who bubble-wraps them and protects them from all failure and struggle.

I’ll discuss this more in a future post about helicoptering, but again, this is really not my idea of friendship. I want friends who encourage me to reach for the stars and listen compassionately when I fall. It can certainly be uncomfortable to see children fail at something that was important to them. My gut says to protect them, but I know that failure is a part of life. I don’t always protect them from the fall; I just provide a soft landing.

Let me be clear about what kind of friend I AM:

1. I am the kind of friend who listens.

When they tell me about their Lego creation (again), I make a point to be engaged and actively listening. I listen when they tell me stories or when they share fears. I listen to dreams and Batman story lines...continue reading at

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What was the best class your gifted child had in school?

What would you select as your gifted child's "best" class in school? What would go into your decision? Would you base it on the teacher's skills, the quality of the classroom material, the level of innovation, or the amount of engagement among students? What would your child pick and what would influence the choice?

I have thought about this a lot over the years. Certainly my children have had their favorites, often based on several amazing teachers, the level of classroom engagement, or sometimes just due to the number of friends who were in the class. If I asked my kids, they might come up with a variety of choices, ranging from AP Calculus to phys. ed.  But if I could vote, I would choose a particularly innovative class one of them had in sixth grade. He might not agree, but as a parent and gifted advocate, the mere existence of this class in a district that shunned ability grouping was a monumental achievement.

A group of about 25 students were selected from a student body of over 350 for an advanced Language Arts and Reading class. Most, if not all, were already identified as gifted; if not, they were clearly exceptional writers, avid readers, and deep thinkers. Students were selected by the GT and other language arts teachers; parents and the students themselves had little knowledge of the class ahead of time.

What ensued was a remarkable classroom experience where gifted students (finally!) were challenged. For the first time in six years, my son read books that corresponded with his abilities, and discussed them with a class full of peers.  He was no longer expected to quietly read on his own. He engaged in debates requiring higher-level thinking each day, and was given assignments that were more complex and demanding than anything he had received in the past. And most importantly, he didn't have to hide who he was - he shared the class with peers, so there were no expectations to keep his thoughts to himself, dull his enthusiasm for learning or dumb himself down to .

The class itself was not exceptional on its own merit, but it was quite different from what the school typically offered. In fact, it was so unique that it was kept hidden from most other parents. In an era when ability grouped classes were falling out of favor, when administrators feared parents might complain that their child was excluded, it was a bold move to permit this class to even exist at all. Gifted advocates and parents quipped about the "super secret, double accelerated language arts program," hoping the success of this class would spark a renaissance of ability grouped options (but all the while counting the days until it might be disbanded).

Why should gifted children have to wait six years to participate in a challenging class that addresses their educational needs? And what about the rest of their day? As beneficial as it was, this language arts class was only one  subject, one class period a day. While he also, thankfully, had access to a "double accelerated" math class, taught by a brilliant teacher, the nature of the material did not permit the same degree of collaborative class participation. All other classes during the day were heterogeneously grouped. Social studies, science, health, and foreign language were designed to accommodate the needs of all children, i.e., set at a slower, more tedious pace.

When GT teachers are asked to compensate for an absence of challenging classes, when hardworking teachers are expected to , an almost in most classrooms, when gifted children's needs are minimized, , or discussed in hushed tones, due to fear of other parents' reactions, there will be casualties. Gifted children become , disenchanted, and disengaged, if they even make it to sixth grade without completely losing interest.

This particular innovative language arts class was disbanded a few years later. Despite its success, the concept of a "double accelerated" class created too much controversy, too much cognitive dissonance for the district to bear. Better to adhere to philosophical trends in education promoting heterogeneous grouping and differentiated instruction. Better to support the appearance of over the importance of meeting each child's unique educational needs. Better to eliminate a successful, cost-effective and minimally disruptive program (i.e., it was only one class out of an entire roster) than risk accusations of favoritism toward

My son probably remembers little about the class now that he's in college. I'm sure it was neither his favorite nor most memorable class. He was fortunate to have some nurturing elementary school teachers. The double accelerated sixth grade math class also was challenging and meaningful. And a few stand-out high school honors and AP classes taught by some exceptional teachers provided a welcome relief from the desperate boredom of . But this sixth grade language arts class seemed remarkable to me... a rare gem that briefly flourished and raised the bar, before it was extinguished.

Did you or your child have a class that made a difference?

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5 Strategies for Building Effective Parent-Teacher Partnerships … From a Parent’s Perspective

Effective parent-teacher partnerships are essential to fostering a child’s social-emotional success in school. with your child’s teacher is an opportunity to model behavior that exemplifies the benefits of a relationship based on mutual cooperation with an interest in achieving goals. Ultimately, your child learns to be their own advocate by observing your behavior.

Most information that you find on this subject is directed toward teachers. In this post, I will outline five strategies for building effective partnerships based on your child’s needs from the parents’ perspective. They include:

• Communicate Directly
• Don’t Play the Blame Game
• Be Proactive
• Meet Social Emotional Needs
• Keep the Focus on Your Child

Communicate Directly

One of the most important factors in building an effective parent-teacher partnership is to communicate directly. Relaying information should not be delegated to your child unless it is absolutely necessary. Parents and teachers need to find which method works best for both parties and then use it consistently. Digital forms of communication provide a permanent and accurate record of information for later use.

It is never too early to begin the conversation. In the elementary years, it is a good idea to open the lines of communication at the end of a school year with the next year’s teacher. Start each new year with a fresh determination to make it the best one possible. Then, remember to keep the communication ongoing throughout the school year.

Don’t Play the Blame Game

Do not play the blame game or make discussions about your child’s education personal. It’s not about you and it’s not about the teacher.Parents of gifted children often have intense personalities which can impede parent-teacher relations. Finding common ground is a positive approach that will benefit everyone involved.

and other school personnel. Effective communication cannot be fostered when negative feelings are allowed to prevail. At times, this may require the parent to step back and keep emotions in check. Try to understand the teacher’s point of view and realize that they rarely have the final word on many aspects of what is expected from students. Remember, you can always address concerns with an administrator if issues arise that can’t be resolved with the teacher.

"Do not play the blame game or make discussions about your child’s education personal. It’s not about you and it’s not about the teacher."

Be Proactive

Talk to your child every single day and be aware of any situations which might be hindering their progress; either academically or emotionally. If your child suddenly becomes reticent in sharing with you about his or her school day, explore the reasons ‘why’ through further conversation. Keep in mind that gifted children are very adept at manipulation. They understand the importance their point of view brings to the table even at a very young age. Parents should not assume everything their child tells them is an accurate portrayal of an event. Once you have heard their side of the story, contact their teacher to discuss the matter.

Know your options – learn about regulations concerning gifted education in your local area. (See links below.) Educate yourself about gifted education by reading books on the topic, reading blogs, and attending gifted education conferences at the state and regional level. Take time to talk to other parents about your school’s culture relating to gifted education.

Know who makes the decision for your child’s placement and who is responsible for implementing their education plan; teacher, gifted coordinator, principal. In most states, no decision will ever be made without an LEA (local education administrator) present. Know who your school’s LEA is before agreeing to any plan of action.

Whenever possible, seek out teachers who are certified in gifted education or have a reputation for working well with gifted students. This practice may be discouraged by your child’s school administrators, but this should not deter you from doing what is best for your child.

Meet Social-Emotional Needs

Do not minimize the importance of taking into account the meeting of social-emotional needs of your child. Gifted children often must deal with situations that classmates will never encounter such as bullying based on their intellectual capacity, asynchronous development that places them at odds with their teachers and other school personnel, anxiety born out of frustration in dealing with perfectionism, and boredom which can result in underachievement due to lack of challenge.

Many gifted children may also be ; dealing with one or more learning challenges such as ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome, or a myriad of other possibilities. These children require additional support by parents, teachers and support personnel.

"Parents often view their child’s education through the prism of the parent’s own childhood experiences in school. For better or worse, the educational experience of a child in today’s classroom is vastly different from what you experienced."

Keep the Focus on Your Child

Parents often view their child’s education through the prism of the parent’s own childhood experiences in school. For better or worse, the educational experience of a child in today’s classroom is vastly different from what you experienced. Full inclusion of all ability levels in one classroom, the quest for data based on standardized test results, the at break-neck speed and reliance on teachers to ‘figure it out’ on their own have all led to a malaise in expectations in today’s classroom.

Including your child in the decision-making process is essential and should coincide with their maturity level. All the advocacy and partnering in the world will achieve little if your child is not on board. Do not loose site of your goal to provide an appropriate education for your child. Professionals such as guidance counselors, principals, gifted coordinators, OT specialists and social workers should be consulted when necessary.

Finally …

Parent-teacher relationships . Keep all conversations on a professional level. Get in the habit of sharing good news rather than waiting till problems arise. By adopting a team mindset, everyone becomes invested in your child’s success!

Remember that your child has unique educational needs that may not be able to be met in a regular classroom despite the best efforts of their teacher or school. A flexible approach may include creative scheduling, blended learning (using multiple approaches such as acceleration, online instruction/distance learning, outside mentoring, homeschooling), or project-based learning; the possibilities are endless. Look for evidence-based research to support any request you may make.

"Remember that your child has unique educational needs that may not be able to be met in a regular classroom despite the best efforts of their teacher or school."

Below I have included resources that will start you on the journey to build an effective partnership with your child’s teacher. Take time to look over them and share them with teachers with whom you’ll be partnering. Consider sharing this post with your child’s teacher as well.

What strategies have worked for you? Please share in the comments below.

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Self-advocacy for gifted teens and tweens: How to help gifted teens take control of their classroom experience

I am pleased to offer a guest post from blogger , focusing on how adolescent and pre-teen students can advocate for themselves. This is a much-needed skill, especially relevant as the school year approaches. Enjoy!

As students start to reach fifth and sixth grade, and enter into the world of middle and high school, they become more and more responsible for their own emotional and academic well-being. It is around this time that special needs students begin attending their own IEP meetings and being asked to listen and comment on their strengths, weaknesses, and accommodations. The ability to advocate for yourself can benefit all students, though, especially those gifted students who may have special needs or concerns in the classroom but do not have written plans and regular reviews.  

Why should gifted students self-advocate? First and foremost, the ability to speak up for yourself is an that all students, but especially gifted students, can benefit from learning. There are a variety of benefits to older students learning to communicate their own needs, rather than allowing their parents to be their sole advocates.

• Gifted students who speak for themselves may get help and resources sooner.  Students have regular access to teachers and administrators in a way that parents don’t.  Especially for smaller, more immediate issues with simpler solutions, students may get what they need faster if they can ask for it themselves.
• Gifted students who self-advocate don’t have the same as parents who advocate for their students.  It may not be fair, but many parents who speak up on behalf of their child’s needs are labelled “” or may be seen as pushing their own agenda. This is especially true as students get older and are more able to speak for themselves.
• Gifted students are often great problem solvers. Why not let them put those skills to use helping solve the problems they’re encountering in school?  While it is never solely the student’s responsibility to solve school problems, they often have unique insight into what solutions could help them. Even if their idea isn’t feasible (I had a student who wanted to install a pull-up bar in the hallway ceiling), it might lead to ideas that are workable (pull-up breaks on the playground instead?).
• Self-advocating is a good outlet for the creative energy and passion for justice that many gifted students possess. Writing up a proposal to a teacher, making posters, or preparing a presentation on a school issue (in a respectful, professional manner) are real-life tasks that prepare students for the outside world. They also require hard work and academic energy. This work can help adolescents and hone academic skills in an authentic way.
• Self-advocating is “cooler” than having your parents advocate for you. Gifted students in middle and high school are highly cognizant of peer perception. “Standing up” to a teacher (again, respectfully) can get you respect as a teen and tween (Wow! You got Ms. Gold to change her mind on the test policy?). Having your parents get those results does not garner the same respect, and may even be embarrassing for students (Wow! You had to have your mom call Ms. Gold?). This is not to say that you shouldn’t advocate for your older students- often they very much need you to. But it can be worth it to let them try to solve certain problems on their own, at least at first.

Self-advocating for gifted students can be a source of pride and an outlet for their intelligence and creativity. It also helps them learn important social .  And it empowers them to find solutions to make school more of a productive and positive place. These results carry over to other problems that may arise, in school and out.

So how can students self-advocate effectively? Here are my top four tips. Share these strategies with your child for a more successful negotiation with their teacher(s):

1. Pick the right time.

Most teachers don’t appreciate being interrupted in the middle of class, or bombarded in front of a group of students. While your points may be accurate (and your tone respectful), if you call out in class or when there’s an audience present, you may seem disrespectful. Try to find a time when the teacher is available to talk privately. After all, you want her/him to really listen and respond thoughtfully, right? The start of class may be good, or during a time when the class is engaged in seatwork independently. Even better, ask if you can have lunch, meet them after school, or schedule a meeting during your study hall!  

And if you’re worried about approaching the teacher, or they never seem available, try writing a letter. It gives your teacher time to think about and respond to your concerns on her/his own time, and it gives you the chance to organize your thoughts and express what you want to express.

2. Know the classroom/school systems.

Think about how your school and class are set-up and how you could make that work for you. Think of it as a big logic puzzle. If the first five minutes is always spent checking in and getting homework out, maybe you could arrange to be three minutes late to do push-ups in the hall before a big test. You can promise to come in silently, put your homework right down on the pile, and sit without interrupting. Or maybe Fridays are always spelling tests, and you’ve been acing them all year.  Maybe you could arrange to instead spend Fridays in the library doing an independent research project. As long as you’re willing to make project contract with your teacher, and have a way to show your work (a paper or presentation, maybe?), your teacher may be fine with it.

3. Identify Your Problem Areas (before you meet).

This one is two-fold: you want to be able to say what the specific problem is, and you also need to be able to admit if there are problems you’re responsible or partially responsible for. In terms of the first part, make sure that you can point out the exact things that you’re having trouble with. This can be hard!  But if you come in and say, “I’m bored,” your teacher may have no idea what you’re talking about. It even may seem like you’re just criticizing his/her teaching.  

If you can instead say, “I already know all my spelling words every week,” or “I can’t get my ideas out fast enough writing by hand,” or “the readings are a lot like what I did last year for my research project,” then the teacher can see a specific problem that she/he may be able to solve. It also shows that you’re being thoughtful and not just complaining.

In terms of admitting your own problems, this can be tricky, especially if you know you have good reasons for what you’re doing. You may be ignoring your partners during group work because they don’t understand any of your ideas! Or maybe you’re calling out because you’re so frustrated that no one else has the answer and the teacher won’t call on you when you raise your hand! But being able to admit when you’ve been doing something that may be causing a problem shows that you’re really realistic about what’s happening in the classroom. It will make your complaints and ideas seem more realistic and legitimate.  

If you can say, “I know I’ve been having a problem calling out,” or “I need help not ignoring my partner during group projects,” you’re showing that you want to be a partner in solving classroom problems. Besides which, your teacher will really appreciate you taking responsibility, which will probably make her/him more willing to work with you and go the extra mile to help. Yes, it’s the teacher’s job to help, but they’re humans too, and most humans are more willing to do extra work if it’s for someone who’s kind and helpful. So use that to your advantage if you can!  

4. Come with (Realistic) Solutions Ready, but Keep an Open Mind.

You’re a problem solver and you know how to look at something and make connections that other people may not see. You are also the closest person to the problem, so you have a unique perspective to share. It’s great if you have ideas about what might help!  In fact, by thinking about the school and classroom systems, you may already have come up with some ideas. Just take a minute to make sure that they’re realistic.  

Not having to take math anymore probably isn’t an option, even if you feel your time would be better spent with extra writing class instead. And, unfortunately, schools have tight budgets, so asking for lots of special equipment or your own daily tutor might not be possible either. But there are often already resources at your school that you might be able to take advantage of. The library is often a good place to start. Or maybe there’s a teacher who could help you start a club? Or your study hall teacher could supervise a project with you twice a week?

Separately, there may be small things that you could do on your own to make things better. Maybe moving your seat would help you tune out the person next to you who always sings under her breathe? Maybe you would be more willing to raise your hand from the back of the room, where you’re not front and center. Or maybe tests are stressful and you could bring a card to them that reminds you of breathing exercises or positive affirmations. Most teachers are happy to accommodate you when they can, especially if you’re not asking for them to do a lot of extra work!

That all being said, make sure you keep an open mind. You have the right to expect to be listened to, especially if you’ve followed these strategies and stayed respectful. But make sure you take the time to listen as well.  You teacher may have reasons why your ideas aren’t as do-able as you thought they were, or may need to talk with someone else for approval. She/he might also have some changes to make to your ideas to improve them. This is good! It means that you’re being taken seriously, and may result in a better end solution. Keep an open mind and you may be surprised what can happen.

Of course, you may try all of these things and it still may just not work out. That’s unfortunate, but it happens. If you’re willing, try to go through the process again with a different person, like a guidance counselor or principal. At this point, you may want to ask your parents for help too. Often they can back you up and bring a stronger authority to your ideas.  

In addition to all these strategies, try to find at least one adult at school who you can talk to. Even if they can’t help you with this specific problem, having connections at school can give you important insight and support.

These strategies have worked for my students when they’ve needed to negotiate or communicate a problem with other school staff (or with me!), and I hope they work for you, as well.  If you need specific advice or help coming up with solutions, feel free to contact me directly at my website, . I love to hear from parents, students, and educators!

-Ms. Teitelman

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Positive Communication with Children

Positive communication is an essential part of all healthy relationships. It builds mutual respect, trust, connection, and nurtures your child’s self-esteem. The parent/child relationship is our first place for learning how relationships should be. Therefore, when we set the standard for healthy, positive communication now, children develop skills that will help them build healthy relationships lifelong.
Here are the guidelines for positive, respectful communication with children.

DO:

ACTIVELY LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD:
Oftentimes, parents listen to respond rather than to understand. We want to quickly offer our judgments and advice, but doing so may shut down the lines of communication. Active listening means you listen attentively without interrupting, seeking to understand the words, the emotion, and the message of the speaker.

Put away distractions (don’t look at your phone or a newspaper, but give full attention to your child), show you’re interested by using positive body language (nods, eye contact, open posture), offer encouragement to continue talking, such as “go on” or “uh-huh,” and make sure you understood what was being said by paraphrasing.

For example, “What I’m hearing is that you...Is that correct?”

SPEAK RESPECTFULLY:

“I said NOW!”

“What were you thinking?!”

“Get in there and pick that mess up THIS INSTANT!”

Who else would we ever speak to this way except a child? No one! Speaking to children this way isn’t necessary, either. Tone is as important as words, so use a positive, even tone and don’t speak to them in a way you wouldn’t use on anyone else.

I know it can be exasperating or when they behave in ways we don’t like, but speaking disrespectfully will never encourage cooperation or better behavior. It only sets a poor example for communication – one they will likely pick up and use on you or others in the future.

GET ON EYE LEVEL:
If you are towering over a child, it can feel intimidating for them. When a child has something to tell you, get down on eye level if you can. This helps children feel more at ease, which opens up communication. Being on eye level conveys the message that you are really paying attention and enhances connection.

EMPATHIZE: 
Try to see things from your child’s perspective. When we dismiss or reject our children’s feelings, opinions, and ideas with “it’s not that bad,” “there’s no need to be upset,” “that’s a silly idea,” or “that’ll never work,” they feel invalidated. That shuts down communication. Empathy not only helps us communicate our thoughts to others in a way that makes sense to them, but it allows our children to feel heard and understood.

MANAGE YOUR EMOTIONS:
Being in tune with and in charge of your emotions and being able to regulate before you respond is key to positive communication. When you are able to remain calm and positive and refrain from attacks and saying something you might regret later, you model true maturity to your child. Plus, with no threat of an outburst from you, your child will feel comfortable opening up to you about bigger and tougher things.

BE ASSERTIVE:
Clear, direct, assertive communication means you express your feelings, needs, and desires effectively, while respecting the rights of others. Being assertive is a necessary parenting skill. Aggressiveness puts children on the defensive, and passiveness gives children a disproportionate amount of control.

When you communicate assertively, use “I” statements, discuss your feelings, and give reasoning for your boundaries or rules. While being assertive, always keep your child’s feelings, needs, and wants in mind. This builds mutual respect. Teach your child how to communicate assertively as well as it's an important skill to have.

DONT:

USE CONDITIONAL COMMUNICATION:
Giving a child the cold shoulder, not speaking to him, rolling your eyes, scowling, and withholding affection when a child displeases you is not modeling good communication skills. While we must correct poor behavior, be careful not to communicate conditional love as that damages a child’s self-esteem and breaks down the connection.

LECTURE WHEN ANGRY:
It’s unlikely that you’ll communicate effectively when your reptilian brain is lit up. Wait until you are calm and rational before confronting your child. Try saying, “We need to talk about this soon. First, I need to calm down.”

CRITICIZE:
Honestly, I’m not sure if there is such a thing as constructive criticism. Criticism is always painful as it is a direct attack. Rather than criticize, describe what needs to be done. Instead of “your room is always a mess,” say “I need you to clean your room by this afternoon.” When you focus on what you want done in the future, rather than on what your child did wrong in the past, you’re much more likely to have a positive outcome.

Use these guidelines for effective, positive communication. When you model these strategies, your children will also begin to use them in not just communication with you, but with others in the future.

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