The gift of free time: Reclaiming the preschool years

Back when I was scouting out preschools, I stumbled across circle time at a highly recommended school. I watched as the teacher skillfully corralled a group of 2-year-olds into sitting patiently and singing, clapping their hands and listening to instructions. There was one boy, though, who got up, sat aside and started to play with a train. The teacher quickly and firmly instructed him to get back into the circle. His "disobedience" was not to be tolerated.


I think back to this experience as a reminder of how "free time" is often discouraged, even at such a young age. This is not to say that chaos should reign supreme at preschools and that teachers don't have their hands full. A level of order and cooperation is necessary, not just for keeping the classroom functional, but to help children develop important self-regulatory skills. But the expectation that a 2-year-old boy must sit through circle time rather than explore the joys of that enticing toy nearby seemed excessive.

It is hard to recall an era when children spent their free time exploring the outdoors and relying on their imagination, when scheduled activities, electronics, and structured learning didn't compete for their attention. Fort-building, tea parties and swashbuckling battles with sticks filled their time. But now, exploration is steeped with expectations that it will lead to further achievement and success. Even preschoolers have less free time, as they juggle pre-reading and pre-math with other formative "readiness" activities.

Yet, research is highlighting the importance of free time and unstructured play for all children, especially for preschool children. Why is free time so essential to a young child's development? Here are some recent findings:

1. Play It contributes to changes in the prefontal cortex during childhood. These changes affect executive functioning and the ability to regulate emotions and solve problems. According to researcher Sergio Pellis, "plenty of so-called free play" is essential to this aspect of brain development.

2.  Preschools may not be providing enough opportunity for , as seen in a recent study where children were most sedentary during teacher-led activities. "Based on their findings, the study authors recommend child-care centers allow for more child-initiated activities, either  indoors or outdoors, along with an increase in outdoor time."

3. Studies cited by  demonstrate the problems associated with forcing young children to sit through academic instruction. In one study, children who had received teacher-led instruction during preschool performed worse academically when they reached fourth grade than those students who were allowed to engage in free play during preschool. Rather than helping, teacher-led instruction "may have the opposite effect, potentially slowing emotional and cognitive development, causing unnecessary stress, and perhaps even souring kids' desire to learn." A blog post by  also sums up additional research related to free play and child development, and points to the importance of recess, unstructured play, and time outdoors.

4. The importance of play in early childhood programs is also highlighted by . They point out the misguided rush to engage in academic instruction, and the importance of free time. They recommend that preschool teachers remain involved by encouraging creative exploration, and by asking questions to enhance the children's work and help develop new thinking skills.
"As they play, children develop vital cognitive, linguistic, social and emotional skills. They make discoveries, build knowledge, experiment with literacy and math and learn to self-regulate and interact with others in socially appropriate ways. Play is also fun and interesting, which makes school a place where children look forward to spending their time. It is so deeply formative for children that it must be at the core of our early childhood curriculum."
While all children benefit from the "gift of free time," gifted children, in particular, thrive when they can freely engage in creative and unstructured activities. In a previous post,  was addressed, along with how it benefits gifted children. They hunger to learn, but forced instruction, especially at the preschool level, may be even less effective than for most children. Their advanced learning skills, heightened sensitivities, and often uneven social/emotional development may affect their adjustment to a traditional preschool setting. Boredom, impatience, distractibility, emotional reactivity and difficulty relating to peers are all warning signs of adjustment problems. Parents may need to advocate with their child's preschool, and additionally ensure that their child has plenty of opportunity for free-time, creative expression and exploration outside of school.

This blog is part of the Hoagies Gifted Education Page Blog Hop on Free Time. To read more blogs in the hop, click on the following link: 


An Interview with Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman



In June of 2013, Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman released his book, and a review appeared on GPS. At the time, I wrote, 

"Why should the gifted community take notice of this book? We always talk about how we think our children should be challenged; so, why not all of us? This book challenges many long held beliefs. It should ignite a discussion on the potential of all children. Proponents (myself included) of the message that “giftedness is as much about who you are as about what you achieve” need to make a reasonable and intellectual assessment of Ungifted."

Since that time, I have had the pleasure to meet and talk to Dr. Kaufman. One cannot come away from a discussion with him without being impressed with his intellect and passion for the well-being of all children. In March, Ungifted was released in paperback. If you haven't read it, you should. 




Recently, Scott agreed to take time from his busy schedule to do an interview for Gifted Parenting Support. 

GPS: A lot has happened in your life since you wrote, Ungifted: Intelligence Redefined. Can you bring us up to date?

SBK: Indeed. Since the release of the hardcover copy, I moved to a new job at the University of Pennsylvania. The founder of the field of positive psychology, Martin Seligman, hired me to be the of the newly minted . Our mission is to advance the science of imagination by investigating the measurement and development of imagination across all sectors of society. Toward those aims, we held a grants competition to fund research, and we will also be having discussions with some of the most imaginative people across domains to get a better sense of the domain-specificity of imagination.




GPS: In your announcement of the release of the paperback edition of Ungifted, you stated, “I’m not as bothered as I used to be about how we define ‘intelligence’." Could you elaborate?

SBK: That’s correct. I used to be obsessed with literally redefining intelligence. But I’ve come to realize that what I really want to do is broaden our conceptions of human potential. I want to show that many of our crude measures of potential don’t fully capture what people are capable of achieving, and leave out many important ways that people can mix and match their unique temperament to realize their personal goals. I’m OK defining intelligence as the capacity for learning and adaptation, but I would argue that there are multiple paths to intelligence— even by that definition.

GPS:  Last year, I witnessed two standing ovations when you spoke at two major gifted conferences. What has surprised you the most about the reception you’ve received from the gifted community?

Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman, Keynote at the Annual Conference


SBK: Yes you did, and it was lovely seeing you in the audience! It really gave me greater confidence! When I first set out to write Ungifted, I expected to be embraced by the learning disability community, but I had no idea my ideas would receive such a warm reception from the gifted community. What I’ve come to realize is that most gifted educators have the same goals I have— to cast a wider net and reduce the number of highly capable children who fall by the wayside in this standardized testing culture. So many more kids would benefit from more enriched resources than those we currently single out, and that’s very problematic. Many members of the gifted community are just as interested as I am in finding the less obvious kids who could really benefit from our support.

GPS:  What’s next for Dr. Scott Barry Kaufman? What’s your vision of your future self?

SBK: Oh gosh, I’m just happy when I get through a long day of work. I guess most immediately, look out for my new book on creativity, co-authored with Carolyn Gregoire: .



My thanks to Scott for this interview. My respect for his work continues to grow. I look forward to reading his next book and you can look for a review here when it is released! 

Links:

(YouTube 18:50) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

by Scott Barry Kaufman 

SBK Graphic and picture via Lisa Conrad.

How to Raise a Problem-Solver




We want our children to be able to recognize problems and have the initiative to tackle the issue and find a solution. Yet most conventional parenting practices involve parents solving the problem for the child. Methods such as spanking, time-out, and removal of privileges put the problem in the parents' hands, considering the problem solved when the punishment is issued. This causes parents to “police” their child's behavior continuously because the child isn't learning how to solve his own problems or correct his own mistakes.

I believe we need to give the problem to whom it belongs – the child. Otherwise, how will she learn to solve them without constant parental direction? Here are 4 questions to ask your child each time a problem arises that will help her grow to be a problem-solver.

What caused you to do this?

This question gets children thinking about the relationship between their environment and their actions. “What caused you to hit your sister?” “What caused you to get a bad grade this semester?” “What caused you to leave your room a mess?” We want to get children thinking about cause and effect and understand how feelings affect their behavior so that they can learn to make better choices in the moment.

What was the outcome of your choice?

This question serves two purposes. It teaches the child that their behavior is always a choice that they made (whether there was provocation or not, the choice was their's), and it builds empathy because they begin to see the affect their choice has had on those around them. “Look at your sister's face. How did hitting her make her feel? How do you feel about that?” “Would you have lost your baseball glove if you'd have kept things in their place?” “When you don't do your chores, how does it affect the rest of the family?” The point is to help them see their actions don't only affect them but others as well.

What could you have done differently?

Here is where the child brainstorms better options or is taught better options by the parent or caregiver. Here's what this may look like so far:

“What caused you to push your brother down?”

“He took my toy. I was mad.”

“What was the outcome of your choice to push him down?”

“He's crying.”

“Yes, he's crying because that hurt him and made him sad. What could you have done differently?” 

“I don't know.”

“Let's think about it. You could have asked me for help when he took your toy. You could have chosen to let him play with it and picked another toy for yourself. You could have taken a deep breath and asked him to give your toy back. Which choice will you make next time?"

How are you going to fix this?

This question puts the responsibility for solving this problem squarely on the child's shoulders...




The Changing Seasons of Motherhood




I remember the season when I had two tiny ones under my feet all day long, and the days were long. The nights were often even longer. It was a season filled with wild emotions, exhaustion, unbelievable joy, discovery, and what felt like a never­-ending marathon of diaper changes. I was very often bleary­-eyed from another night of waking with multiple children or teary­-eyed from seeing my firstborn son give his brother a gentle kiss on his head while he slept.

I captured a lot of in that season, but I also wished too many away. I used to wish they were out of diapers. I used to wish they'd just sleep through the night. I used to wish for a bit of “me time.”

There were nights when I would lie down with them until they fell asleep, and I would be entirely present in that moment, running my fingers through silky hair as I told them story after story. Those were beautiful nights.

Then, of course there were other nights when I just wanted to be done. I felt frustrated that they couldn't go to sleep on their own, and I questioned every parenting decision I'd made up to that point. Those were wasted nights. I accept grace for those nights. I am only human, after all. What felt like the season that would never end suddenly did.

I realized recently that I can no longer pick up my youngest son. He's too big. Too heavy. When did that happen? When was the last time I sat him down off my hip? My oldest son is nearly half way to adulthood now. Wasn't he just under my feet, asking me to play trains while I was trying to feed his baby brother?

If you are in a tough season, I want to offer you some encouragement today. I know it feels like she will never be potty trained or that he will never sleep through the night. I know you wonder if he will ever stop hitting or start sharing. You lie down at night weary from the day, unable to rest because you feel guilty for yelling.

You wonder if you are doing anything right. You are. You're doing just fine because you care enough to wonder. This season will pass, and while I won't tell you to enjoy every second because that is pretty ridiculous. I will advise you to be intentional about being present and capturing as many beautiful memories as you can, because in no time at all, those memories are all you will have of this season.


I'm in a brand new season now – a season of cub scout camp outs and baseball games. My big boys don't need me to get them to sleep anymore. Some nights I kiss them goodnight and go to my own bed, grab a book, and think of how relaxing and nice it is to have some time for me. Oh, but there are other nights, mama. Nights when I lie there listening to them giggle with each other in their room, and tears silently fall to my pillow because they don't need me to get them to sleep anymore. They need me just a little less than they used to. And that's okay – that means they're growing, but I would like for them to grow a bit slower.

These days I find myself making new wishes. I wish they were back in diapers. I wish I could still rock them to sleep .....




8 Tips to Ignite Your Child's Love of Learning




Children naturally love to learn. Unfortunately, that love often gets stripped away by middle childhood as learning becomes competitive, directed, and overwhelming. Whether your child attends school outside the home or is home educated, these 10 tips will help ignite (or fan the flame of) your child's love of learning.

1. Let them see your love of learning! We know that we are our child's first teacher, and we have a tremendous influence on their worldview. Find your own passions and pursue your own interests. Talk to your child each day about something new you've learned or questions you plan on seeking the answers to.

2. Be enthusiastic about your child's interests. This is not only a wonderful way to connect with a child but to also fuel their passions. If you don't understand why your child loves a particular interest, get curious and ask questions. Discuss it in depth so that you really understand your child's view and feelings.

3. Read books - a lot! Reading aloud is especially beneficial as it increases vocabulary and comprehension, improves reading and listening skills, and sharpens your child's focus. Read lots of great classic literature and poetry which exposes your child to a whole wide world of wonder and beauty.

4. Allow plenty of free play. Today's children are often overscheduled and overwhelmed, leaving little time for free play and exploration. Not only does play , it also offers opportunity for your child to discover her interests. If a child is directed in school all day, and then spends the evening in more directed activities, there is nearly no time to discover what she really loves.

5. Expose him to a variety of experiences. Listen to different genres of music, show her different forms of art, read a variety of books, and play thinking games. Visit museums, see some live shows, and explore parks! When learning is a natural part of living and exploring, your child can't help but love it!

6. Focus on the process, not the outcome. Maybe she's really interested in dance, but struggles with getting the steps down. Let her know that trying her best and having fun matters more than dancing perfectly. Be a supportive encourager, but don't push too hard. It can be difficult not to get caught up in our own dreams and goals for them, which sometimes leads us to push when we should let go. Be mindful of which goals are theirs and which are yours.
...



35 Things Positive Parents Can Do to Reduce Sibling Rivalry



I am delighted to welcome Sumitha Bhandarkar to Positive Parents today. Sumitha is the creator of one of my favorite resources!

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As parents we all have certain dreams for our children. We want them to be happy. We hope they will be kind, gentle and well-liked. We wish for their positive growth and success. Equally important, parents with more than one child dream that the kids will grow up to be friends for life – supporting and being there for each other even after we are long gone. So, when we see them squabbling and bickering all the time instead of playing together blissfully (like we had fantasized), it’s a little unsettling. And tempting to rage on, punish or in some other way force them to get along. That never really works though, does it? You can’t force two (or more) people to like each other and get along well simply by dictating they should. So, what can we parents do then? I’ve put together a list of 35 simple things below that we parents can do to encourage our kids to get along better and establish a nurturing sibling bond that stands the test of time. These are great ways to positively and gradually alleviate sibling rivalry. Try some of these and see how it goes –
  1. Avoid comparison between kids
  2. Commit to a blame-free household
  3. Encourage kids to find win-win solutions
  4. Avoid labeling the kids
  5. Celebrate each child’s individual successes separately
  6. Make failure palatable
  7. Encourage teamwork – be it with chores or at play
  8. Make it a point to spend some one-on-one time with each child
  9. Do as many things together as a family as possible (grocery trips, visiting extended family, volunteering etc.)
  10. Institute zero-tolerance policy towards unkindness, name-calling, being hurtful to each other, etc.
  11. Be respectful towards the other parent – kids do pick up a lot from how we treat others in our lives
  12. Teach kids to set, and respect, each other’s boundaries
  13. Do not interrupt happy play
  14. Have a couple of games stashed away that they love to play together, for times when they start to drive each other up the wall
  15. Commit to non-punitive positive parenting – if they see you punishing them when they are wrong, they will fall back on “punishing” each other when they feel slighted
  16. Acknowledge often how lucky you are to have each other
  17. Encourage enthusiastically when you notice kids helping each other
  18. Buy material things based on need (just because the child who joined soccer gets a new pair of soccer shoes does not mean the other child who is not interested in soccer should get it too), but lavish love unconditionally
  19. Create memory books with happy pictures and handwritten notes that you can look at on days when things go downhill
  20. Create a gratitude jar where kids leave notes for siblings (and parents!) when they are happy with something the others have done for them. Mark a special day (eg. Valentine’s day) to read the notes out loud
  21. Let kids help with household chores, home improvement projects, gardening etc. Everyday moments of doing things together strengthens the bonds
  22. Establish the rule of repairs – if one child hurts the other, intentionally or accidentally, he must do what he can to repair the situation. Don’t insist on (empty) apologies
  23. When one child is hurt let the other kids help with the healing (even if they are responsible for the hurt, particularly if they are responsible for the hurt)
  24. Make sure each child has some physical space which is all their own, even if it is a small space at the corner of the desk
  25. Teach them to recognize their own strengths and live up to it, so they can be proud of each other’s accomplishments, without feeling pressured to live up to the other person’s strengths
  26. Teach them good listening skills so they can be supportive of each other
  27. Make sure every child has a voice, and their voice is heard
  28. Try to have at least one meal together as a family where each child is acknowledged
  29. Teach them to disagree with each other and negotiate respectfully
  30. Encourage games that require them to work with each other
  31. For competitive games, whenever possible, pit them together against you (the parents)
  32. Discourage tattling or telling on each other, unless it is a real emergencies. Help them see what constitute as real emergencies and teach them to sort the rest out by themselves
  33. Encourage them to get things out in the open and communicate, rather than harbor misgivings and grudges
  34. Work towards improving the emotional intelligence of each child
  35. Establish a daily bonding routine – eg. Kissing each other good night every night, or a hug goodbye each day before they go to school etc.
While all these will help alleviate sibling rivalry, it is just not possible to entirely eliminate it. Conflicts are a part of day-to-day life and the best we can do is teach kids to handle these conflicts effectively. Here is an infographic on that discusses more ideas about conflict resolution and if/when you should get involved when conflicts arise. (You can ).

About the Author:
Sumitha Bhandarkar is the creator of , an exclusive community for parents who believe that great parents are made, not born. If one of your life goals is to be a better person and a better parent, she invites you to and the A Fine Parent community in their slow and steady quest for personal and parenting excellence.

The grit-talent dichotomy: Creating false expectations for gifted children

What is the grit-talent dichotomy?

A hot topic in the education community, stemming from Angela Duckworth and Carol Dweck's research, champions the  and  in the role of achievement. While few would disagree with the benefits of building resilience, learning from failure, and nurturing a desire to succeed, a false dichotomy has unfolded. The implication is that "grit" (the drive to push yourself to achieve) is thwarted by believing you have talent or receiving external praise. At best, this view disregards the role of innate ability, and at worst, it demonizes it.

Why is it assumed that being smart (and being aware of your abilities) necessarily destroys drive and determination?

Why has praise become taboo?

 emphasizes the drawbacks inherent in recognizing how "smart" your child is, and notes how a "fixed mind-set" can develop when children assume their accomplishments are based solely on their abilities and therefore cannot be changed. This attitude presumably inhibits the child's willingness to take risks, either due to fear of failure, or by developing a sense of hopelessness. Why should I bother if I have no chance of improving?

Unfortunately, many educators and critics have proclaimed that "getting a growth mindset" is the next great solution in education. Dr. Dweck's research has been narrowed into oversimplified sound bites, throwing out the term "growth mindset" as a panacea for every educational hiccup and crisis. Yet, problems and limitations of the model are ignored. Grit may be  in some children, , and leaves  unanswered. The model is often misapplied in schools, and it has been suggested that  and may be the fallback excuse when schools fail to meet students' needs. And as one  noted:
"My objection is to the way in which Dweck's conclusions are rapidly metamorphosing into something completely different and thus reinforcing the set of existing bonkers principles which are largely shaping education policy. Dweck's well-meaning and perfectly reasonable research may well end up producing toxic outcomes if we don't nip it in the bud." 
The growth mindset model has contributed to a false dichotomy between hard work and ability. Giftedness is viewed as a barrier to achievement. The theory proposes that telling children they are gifted will create an inflated sense of self and inhibit their drive to succeed. They will focus on upholding their gifted status at all costs and refuse to challenge themselves or take risks. It implies that if you don't tell kids they are gifted, they won't know, and therefore, will be more open to challenging themselves. And while Dweck and Duckworth's arguments may not be this simplistic, unfortunately, the widespread adoption of the model has perpetuated this view.

But is misinformation really the answer? Even those gifted children who doubt their abilities usually sense that they are different. They see how they learn at a faster pace, grasp material with more depth, and typically respond to the world with more sensitivity. Explaining  can be accomplished without fanfare, without judgment, and without overvaluing their talents. Ignoring this reality by denying their giftedness not only limits their potential, but is misleading and confusing. Their acute sensitivity and awareness tells them that they are different, and they may grow to distrust the adults in their lives who dismiss what they know to be true about themselves.

And many gifted children (and adults) don't even realize they are gifted. Some gifted individuals, , suffer from the belief that they are imposters, and are mistaken as smart. They avoid competition, fail to succeed and mask their abilities.  poignantly described how failing to recognize her intelligence as a child resulted in many lost opportunities. She pointed out that "we have the best chance of overcoming the pitfalls and attaining the potential when we have a reasonable, clearheaded view of ourselves."

In , Elaine Tuttle Hansen notes:
"In a widely disseminated TED Talk, Ms. Duckworth claims data from her 'grit' scale show grit 'is usually unrelated of even inversely related to measures of talent.' This leads to the belief that success comes not from innate skill but hard work. One proponent of this so-called 'growth mindset' told NPR that 'smart is like a curse.'
I'm troubled. Is this true? Or does it just reflect pervasive myths about intelligence and potential - myths that keep us from understanding and meeting the needs of all students."
 and  have emphasized that there should be no debate about the importance of both innate talent and the role of effort when it comes to achievement. Giftedness  and is far from a curse; it presents challenges and opportunities that require nurturance and support.

How does praise hurt your child? 

Praise has also come under fire from growth mindset advocates. They have clamored to point out that it is better to comment on the process of what your child does. Point out what you observe in his work. Notice her efforts. Don't just say "good job" or "great drawing," even if you believe it to be true. And  points to drawbacks inherent in acknowledging your child's intelligence.

A recent not only offered useful alternative statements parents could use to acknowledge accomplishments, but suggested that they could eliminate praise altogether. The implication is that too much praise creates a dependency on external feedback and sets up a pattern of either approval-seeking or rebellion against authority.

Certainly most would agree that unwarranted, excessive praise for just showing up has become rampant. Celebration of each minor accomplishment, or the ubiquitous soccer trophy dispensed to every grade school team, regardless of success, are clear examples. And conveying to a child that his or her worth is dependent upon achievement is clearly harmful.

But is it realistic to sidestep praise altogether? If you are filled with pride about your child's artwork, can you really say, "I like your use of color and shading" rather than "I love that gorgeous painting!"  If your child has slogged through a difficult research project, has done an amazing job, and received an A, is it really best to say, "I noticed how hard you worked" rather than "Wow, such a great job. You must be so proud of yourself!"

Clearly, there are benefits to learning how to pick and choose when and . Carefully and compassionately helping your child understand what went right and what went wrong in any endeavor is key to learning and taking on future challenges. But restraining your enthusiasm and spontaneous support for your child will destroy any sense of credibility. A stiff, inauthentic approach will ring hollow and serve no useful purpose.

The "gift of honesty"

Perhaps we could take a lesson from athletes, who know how to acknowledge and appreciate their own and others' potential, and also understand the importance of hard work. There is no false dichotomy. They recognize their talents (and weaknesses) and work with what they've got. Their success depends upon what they put into it. This attitude should be no different in world of academics.

Let's sort out authentic, honest and reasoned means of acknowledging our child's or student's accomplishments. Let's be straightforward about their potential as well as the need for hard work. Gifted children deserve the "gift of honesty." Otherwise, we create a disingenuous and confusing environment that contradicts what they sense is real, and deprive them of valuable information that will help them succeed.                                                                                                                                        

Difficult passage: Gifted girls in middle school

Young gifted girls embrace learning with a burning drive and passion. For the most part, they delve into elementary school with confidence, excitement and energy. They tend to love school...

Until they don't.

Something happens between elementary and high school that dampens the spirit for far too many gifted girls. Middle school is difficult for most children, and certainly . But gifted girls face social, academic and developmental hurdles that can reduce their burning drive to smoldering ashes.

Here's what we know:

1. They lose confidence 

Numerous studies of middle school girls have found a gradual drop in self-esteem that develops over time. For example:
  • increased between grades six and eight. 
  • Measures of were lower for 6th grade girls than for boys, but the differences were even greater in comparisons of gifted girls and gifted boys (i.e., the gifted girls felt much worse about themselves than the gifted boys). 
  • for both gifted and average ability girls dropped between 3rd and 8th grade, but the gifted girls had worse self-esteem related to their intellectual abilities and popularity.
  • A  among gifted girls developed between 1st and 12th grades, along with an increase in perfectionism, hopelessness, discouragement and emotional vulnerability.
  • Loss of self-esteem continues throughout high school and beyond. found that 3/4 of girls who graduated from a school for the gifted did not think they were smart. And  cited findings that female valedictorians lost confidence when they were in college, despite achieving good grades.

2. They lose interest in STEM subjects

Although gifted girls enjoy math and science as much as boys during elementary school, many believe that boys are intrinsically better at math. By 8th grade, boys are twice as interested in math and science as girls. According to , 74% of girls show interest in STEM fields up until middle school. But by high school, only .3% consider computer science as a major. found that 2.5% of girls thought of pursuing engineering or computer science, compared to 15% of boys.

3. The neuroscience makes it harder

We certainly know that the hormonal changes of puberty create a roller coaster of emotions. But there are other that set girls apart:
  • First, estrogen increases the desire for bonding and connection and discourages risk-taking, while testosterone (10 times higher in men) fuels risks. 
  • Secondly, the amygdala develops 18 months sooner in girls during early adolescence. Women's amygdalae are activated more easily in reaction to stressful situations, contributing to a tendency toward worry and forming strong emotional memories in response to negative events. 
  • In addition, the anterior cingulate cortex is larger in women. This relates to weighing choices and options, scanning the environment for threats, and noticing errors. 
All of these factors contribute to a tendency toward caution, worry and emotional reactivity that increases during puberty.

4. Girls are relational and this complicates matters

Girls are more relational and define themselves within the context of relationships. Even in infancy, girls are more interactive and smile at an earlier age on average than boys.  from the Stone Center at Wellesley College defined the concept of "self-in-relation," where women develop within and through their relationships with others.  first noted how women are rewarded for their caretaking abilities and pride themselves on their capacity to nurture others. This identity may create conflict, though, when assertiveness, competiton and placing personal interests above others are required for success.

5. Middle school girls face difficult choices

They modify their behaviors to  and conform to societal views of femininity, sexuality and beauty. Appearances become critical, both in terms of physical attractiveness and peer expectations. Often forced to choose between popularity and remaining true to themselves, many gifted girls downplay their intelligence, avoid competition, and "dumb themselves down" to gain acceptance. At the very least, they don't want to alienate other girls or intimidate the boys. And some school environments are so hostile that masking their abilities may seem the only option to prevent bullying and isolation.

6. Stereotypes, assumptions and expectations hold them back

Some research has shown that stereotypes about girls' abilities still persist. may underestimate girls' potential, assuming boys have more innate ability and girls just work harder. also may underestimate their daughters' abilities, particularly in , and are more likely to to work in STEM fields. And gifted middle school girls receive conflicting messages. They know they are capable and talented, yet are quite aware of these muted expectations and the social drawbacks associated with achievement.

What can you do to help?

  • Challenge any bias, misconceptions and stereotypes among educators, parents, or the community. This may require ongoing continuing education for teachers and administrators, personal introspection and behavior change among parents, and in the schools. But false beliefs about gifted girls' abilities or giftedness in general need to be acknowledged and eradicated.
  • Help gifted girls appreciate their innate abilities. Gifted girls need to be reminded that they are smart. This contradicts recent claims from , who imply that informing gifted children of their abilities will somehow destroy their drive to achieve. Yet, most research related to gifted girls has shown that they lack confidence, , and already attribute their accomplishments to hard work. They need to recognize their abilities, and also receive encouragement to challenge themselves, work up to their potential, and take risks.
  • Introduce them to female role models.  Girls benefit from meeting women who have achieved success in non-traditional fields, who represent STEM fields in particular, and who have managed to balance work and family commitments. And role models not only include successful CEOs or aerospace engineers. Engaging, dynamic female teachers and moms may be the best role models of all.
  • Encourage risk-taking. At an age when caution and worry increase, gifted girls need encouragement to take as many academic risks as possible. This might involve exploring new areas of study; trying something difficult even if they risk failure; allowing themselves to compete, despite possibly upsetting their friends; challenging perfectionistic behaviors; and putting themselves first when appropriate. The more risk-taking and "failure" experiences they have, the more likely they will build the they need to succeed in later careers.
  • Offer ability grouping. Gifted girls benefit from where they no longer have to hide their talents and may feel less conflict about competition. Their intelligence is respected rather than ridiculed, and they can engage in challenging interaction with peers. This is not only beneficial from an educational standpoint, but serves to increase their self-esteem and belief that that it is OK to be smart.
  • Get them involved in competitive activities. Some studies have shown that girls who  in high school are more likely to graduate from college, earn a higher salary and work in male-dominated fields. But if sports just don't grab their interest, competition can be found in music, chess, robotics, hack-a-thons, reading olympics and many other venues. Helping girls learn to compete without guilt is useful preparation for later academic and career challenges.
  • Address insecurities and fears. Help these talented girls overcome any lurking fears and self-doubt. Middle school is a time when anxiety, depression, body image concerns, and social anxiety may develop. Address any tendencies toward perfectionism, procrastination, , underachievement and low self-esteem. They may need help with social skills, particularly if there is asynchronous development, if they have accelerated a grade or two, or if their values and sensibilities are quite different from those of other students. Help them find like-minded peers, even if this means seeking out extra-curricular activities or summer programs. If they need , find a licensed mental health professional who can help them.
  • Engage their giftedness. Recognize their heightened sensitivity, concern with fairness and justice, and need for creative and intellectual stimulation. Help them find outlets for their passions, an opportunity for creative expression, and volunteer activities where they can extend their caring and compassion for others. Challenge them to excel, but avoid pressure or coercion. Even if they are bored or unhappy at school, help them recognize that they can always find some interests that will enliven and entertain them.

Gifted middle school girls deserve every opportunity to reach their potential. As teachers or parents, you can guide them to through this difficult transition and provide the foundation for their future development.


In addition to my work with gifted individuals, I have specialized in women's issues and eating disorders for over 30 years. This blog post is one in a series about gifted girls and women.

Other posts about gifted girls and women include:



Positive Strategies for Better Behaved Kids


Children, like all human beings, behave better when they feel good about themselves and the world around them. As a social species, we all need to be seen, heard, understood, loved, and connected. When those needs are met – when our hearts are content – we all do better.
Think about a few times when you weren't on your best behavior. Maybe you yelled at your children or said some hurtful words to your partner. Chances are, one or more of those needs weren't being met for you at that time. As parents, we can proactively foster good behavior by being intentional about seeing, hearing, understanding, loving, and connecting with our kids.

Stop and See
Take some time every day to . Notice her trying to do things on her own. Notice how he shared a toy with his sibling. Comment on what it is that you see.

“I saw you give your truck to your friend to play with. That was so kind.”
“I love the outfit your picked out for yourself today! What nice colors!”

We are so quick to see and comment on what they do wrong. If we can get into the habit of being just as quick at seeing and commenting on what they do well, we will see them blossom.

Listen
Children chatter all day long, and believe me, I know sometimes you just want to tune them out. Their latest video game achievement or another rendition of “Let It Go” isn't the most exciting for us to hear, but it's important to them. Take the time to hear what they have to say, because you'll really want to be in the loop in a few years, and you want them to know you'll listen.

Empathize
It can be oh-so tempting to brush off a child's seemingly over-the-top emotional waves. “It's not that big of a deal!” or “There's no reason to cry about it!” are common responses, especially when the trigger of their upset seems so trivial to us, like the wrong sippy cup. I think we are afraid of creating little drama kings and queens if we show empathy for big feelings that well up over small matters. But, the truth is that the feelings are going to well up either way, and while we don't have to change the cup, we can at least let them know we understand those feelings - because certainly we have felt them too at some point. In fact, talking about them is a great way to teach .

Speak Their Language
Have you heard of the ? They are physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. While all of these communicate love to every child (really every human!), each person has a primary love language, one in particular that really speaks love to them. Once you know their primary love language, you can make adjustments to fill your child's love tank. For example, my oldest son's primary love language is words of affirmation, closely followed by quality time. With that knowledge I was able to put more intention into affirming words and finding ways for us to spend one-on-one time together, which really improved our connection.

Make Connection Top Priority
. Connecting with your child engages the upper brain where reasoning, logic, and empathy take place. The result is a better behaved child, who wants to please you because you're so close. Looking for ways to connect? for 10 ways to connect with your child.

If poor behavior is a problem, take the one month challenge. Commit to seeing, hearing, understanding, showing love, and connecting with your child every day for one month. I think you'll be amazed at the positive changes you see!
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