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Loving Courageously Through Whining (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 15)

*The following is an excerpt from *

Whining can really grate on a parent’s nerves. Why? Dr. Laura Markham of tells us: “Because whining is your little one's more mature form of crying. She's letting you know she needs your attention, and human grownups are programmed to react to whining as much as to crying, so the needs of tiny humans get met. So the minute you hear that whine, you react with anxiety. You'll do anything to stop it. But if you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that there's no crisis, you'll feel a lot better, and you'll parent better.”

Most positive parenting experts will advise you to simply ignore whining or tell the child you will not respond to a whiny voice. Ignoring a behavior doesn't address the issue or teach better skills. Children may whine for all sorts of reasons, and their whining may actually be a cry for connection or help with something, such as pent-up emotions. As always, meet the need behind the behavior if you can discern what that need is, and the problem will resolve. However, if you suspect that your child is just whining because she thinks you’ll give in to her requests, there are some things you can do.

1. Be sure your child is getting lots of positive attention from you without having to seek it. If your child’s cup is full, whining is less likely to be an issue.

2. Some children whine because they feel powerless or unheard. Make sure your lines of communication stay clear and that your child knows she is a valuable part of the family and her needs matter. Give her choices throughout each day to give her some control.

3. Teach your child negotiating skills. This will alleviate the powerlessness that often causes whining and teaches your child a crucial life skill. Teaching her to control her emotions, state her need/want in a respectful manner, and work to find solutions that will satisfy everyone’s needs will serve her well as she grows.

4. Remain empathetic with your child’s experience, but don’t give in to whining.

5. Teach your child the difference between a strong voice and a whiny voice. She may not even be aware she is using a whiny voice. You can do this by role-playing or using puppets or toys to show the differences between the two tones. Tell your child you can understand her better when she uses her strong voice.

To show courageous love during whining:

1. Deactivate the your whining trigger by using positive self-talk. "She's my child and she needs me to teach her patiently."

2. Don't shame him for whining. Don't call him names such as "the whiner."

3. Discern what's causing the whining and address the underlying issue. See for more help.

How do you typically address whining now? Is it with courageous love or conditional love? Write down coping skills in your journal if whining is a trigger for you. Think of the times your child typically whines and see if you can pinpoint the underlying issue.

Join me tomorrow for .

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that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

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Loving Courageously Through the Teen Years (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 14)

I am delighted today to have Casey O'Roarty, author at , join us to discuss loving your teen courageously.

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A Note to My Inner Mama of a Teen

Remember Mama, you were a teenager…

I am not a mother of a teenager… Yet. My daughter turned 12 in January, but I see it coming. Or rather, I can feel it coming.

I feel it in my belly when I walk in her room and the floor is covered with clothes…

I feel it in my chest when she snaps a hurtful response at me or rolls her eyes…

I feel it in my shoulders as I listen to her stomping her feet upstairs before slamming the door…

Yes, soon I will join the ranks of parents of teens. I feel it coming.

There are many things I expect for this time ahead. I expect there to be unbelievable highs and devastating lows. I expect to be fiercely proud and profoundly disappointed, to be overflowing with love and doubled over by pain…

Geesh, and I’m not even the teenager in the situation.

So what can I do? How can I remember that all the ups and downs, the cheers and the hurts, are all a part of the process of raising a human?

I think I will start by writing myself a letter…

Dear Mama,

Remember when you were a teenager and all you wanted to do was hang out with your friends? Remember that it didn’t have anything to do with NOT wanting to be around your parents, just more about wanting to be with your peers?

And Mama, remember how difficult it was when you were a teenager and your parents wanted to tell you exactly how things would turn out if you made certain decisions? Remember that you felt small and unseen as the individual that you were?

And mama, remember how misunderstood you felt when rules were placed on you without any space for negotiation? Remember what it was like to want to push the boundaries and try and get away with just a little bit more?

You were a teenager once, mama, remember? You made loads of mistakes, got into plenty of mischief, and lived your own life. You went through periods of feeling alone, supported, angry, defeated, exhilarated, joyful and you made it through to the other side.

You were a teenager and you wanted to be seen, appreciated, loved, trusted, celebrated, left alone, taken seriously. You wanted it to be understood that you were living your own life, having your own experiences, and feeling valid emotions.

You needed your parents to love you as much when you showed up as your worst as when you showed up as your best. You needed you parents to listen to you without trying to fix your problems, letting you know that maybe everything wouldn’t be alright, but they would be there no matter what.

Remember, mama? You were a teenager, this is a part of your story. You had so many experiences, dodged many bullets, and all of it is a part of the fabric of your life.

As you re-live the teen years, from the perspective of a parent, remember this...

Be gentle with your child, and yourself. Love her courageously as you witness her navigating this awesome time of transition. Be available. Listen. Bite your tongue. Appreciate that the themes may be similar, she really ishaving her own experience and you just might not know how she feels.

Recognize when fear is driving you. Recognize it as an opportunity to be curious and brave, a chance to reflect on the skills your teen has begun to embody, and will continue to embody as she lives through the challenges of life.

And even when you are angry, and are ready to throw in the towel, she needs you to be there. She needs you, mama.

Remember, love her courageously.

Remember.

What specific ways can you show courageous love to your teen? If you would like to, write a letter to your inner teen mama, just like Casey did.

Casey O'Roarty is a wife, mother, parent educator and life coach living and loving in Washington State. She has worked with families for the past 15 years and continues to learn her biggest lessons from her children. To read her blog or check out her online and live offers, visit her website .

Join me tomorrow for Loving Courageously Through Whining.

**************************************************

that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

The you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order for more ways to embrace love.

Loving Courageously Through Bedtime Battles (Love Courageously Challenge - Day 13)

Several of you asked for help with loving courageously through bedtime battles. I'm here to help, but you probably don't want bedtime advice from me. My kids are currently giggling in their room at 10 pm.

I can give you some tips for loving courageously, which I will do at the end, but I'm going to just kindly point you to a few bedtime articles that look really helpful. After you've read them, come back for your challenge. :)

Loving courageously through bedtime battles means

Being kind and consistent about your routines and rules.
Keeping your cool and not engaging in a battle of wills.
Being understanding when your child is frightened or needs extra cuddles. It's tough being little sometimes.
Ensuring their sleep space is comfortable and inviting.
Making sure they go to bed feeling loved and valued.

Would it work for you to do what "A Mom with a Lesson Plan" did (and what I do) and stop fighting about bedtime and let them go to sleep when they're sleepy as long as they stay in their room? How can you tweak your bedtime routine to make it work better for you? How can you be more consistent, kind, and firm regarding bedtime? Jot down your ideas in your journal.

Join me tomorrow for a guest post by Casey O'Roarty of on

Loving Courageously Through Aggression (Love Courageously Challenge Day 12)

I have written about aggression a few times. You can read those and .

Aggression is one of those behaviors in children that brings out the worst behavior in their parents. We see "hard" and we want to come back "harder." Suddenly we are deadlocked in a battle to see who can be the "hardest."

I decided to try something different. I met my son's aggression with softness.

Yes, at about the age of 2-3, my son went through a hitting phase (even kids who aren't hit can go through it!) and it was a trying time, to be sure.

We all want quick fixes, but to effectively help a child through aggression, they simply must be taught better, and teaching takes time and patience. Punishments may show children what not to do, but they don't teach children what to do.

Here are some tools for teaching anger management to children:

I made this Mr. Mad balloons for my son when he was showing aggressive behavior. When I saw that his anger or frustration was rising, I gave him a Mr. Mad balloon to pop. This is a sensory trick that works well for some children (others are afraid of popping balloons). He liked to pop them, and the loud noise seemed to reset his mood. He often went from angry to delighted and sometimes popped several, then toddled off happy.

The is a great place for a .

In the calm down area I used, I had a comfortable pillow to sit on, a few books, some colored rice, and a "calm down jar." The purpose of this area is to get your child's brain regulated. If you're familiar with the brain, you understand that aggression happens because the child's alarm is tripped and information gets sent to his lower brain where the fight, flight, or freeze reflex is housed. He cannot, at that time, access his thinking (higher) brain. So, the calm down area is much like an adult going away to take some deep breaths before dealing with a situation. It's simply a place to calm down. Once calm, higher brain functions can be reached, and the child can be taught better skills.

for teaching anger management. . .

My son was 3 when I wrote the anger stoplight post. He was just coming out of his hitting phase and still had a quick temper, though he was learning to do better after much patient teaching.

Now, he's 6 and the aggression problem ended long ago. He's sweet, kind, funny, and happy.

Meeting his aggression with gentleness time and time again showed him not that he could run over me, but that he could be gentle, too.

How to love courageously through aggression:

1. Understand that an aggressive child is a child in need. Not a bad child or a naughty child, but this is a child who needs the help of a loving, committed parent willing to teach him better emotional skills.

2. Get your own aggression under control. Meeting aggression with aggression results in an explosion that no one walks away from happy. Model how you want your child to behave.

3. Get your child away from the trigger. If you are home, utilize the time in or calm down area. If you are out, go to a safe place - your car, an isolated bench at the park, another room in a friend's home. Do what you would do in your calm down area at home. It's not a bad idea to carry a .

4. If your child acting violent toward you, try a firm but gentle hold while telling her that you will keep her safe. If you cannot hold the child, place them in a safe place to calm down, such as a crib or their room.

5. Once calm, use the tools in the post to teach emotions and behavior management.

6. Restore and reconnect. Once the incident has passed, restore your child's dignity and self-concept by letting him know everyone makes mistakes and they are opportunities to learn and express your faith in your child to do well. Reconnect through play or cuddles.

Today, think about what it might teach your child if you meet aggression with calm gentleness. If you are struggling with an aggressive child, jot down a few of the teaching tools mentioned in this article that you think may help and try them out the next time you are faced with aggression. Commit to loving courageously through aggression for the month of February and see what sort of difference it makes.

Join me tomorrow for "."

"Don't forget a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated." - H Jackson Brown

Courageous love doesn't focus on faults but on strengths. Courageous love sees the good and also appreciates it deeply. When is the last time you felt a real, deep gratitude for your child? This morning? Last week? Months ago?

It's wonderful to let kids know that you appreciate it when they do something good. It may be more wonderful to let them you know that you appreciate them for just being who they are and that you're grateful they are in your life.

Showing appreciation to our children teaches them to show appreciation to others.

Write thank you notes to your children. Sometimes, make them BIG and GRAND. Let them bask in your love and appreciation.
Start an appreciation board in your home. On a white board, write "I appreciate..." and everyone in the family is encouraged to write what they're appreciative of on the board each week. Go over these appreciations at your family meeting.
Take your child on a special outing just for him or her and say the only reason for it is to show your appreciation.
Try out .

Be intentional about looking each day for something that your child does that you can show appreciation for. List 5 things in your journal today that you appreciate about each member of your family.

Join me tomorrow for ""

Why We Yell and How to Stop!

You promise that you're not going to yell today. You really do try hard, but in a flash you lose control and yell at your kid. Then you feel terrible guilt and resolve, yet again, to do better.

Does this sound familiar? You're not alone.

Why Do We Yell?
Yelling is a function of the limbic system, the emotional centers of your brain. Here's how it works: Information is always coming at us. It goes through the amygdala first, and the amygdala decides where to send it, either to the cortex (your thinking brain) or the limbic system. If the incoming information triggers an emotional charge (like the kids fighting), it gets sent to the limbic system, the more primitive emotions center. Now you're reacting without giving much thought to the consequences (because logic and reasoning take place in the cortex, and you're not operating from there!), so then a flood of hormones is released that causes you to be alarmed. You get a surge of energy, and you release it by yelling.

Why the Guilt?
Once you're brain and body calm down, your cortex reengages, and you can now reason again. This causes you to feel terrible about yelling at your child because you see it wasn't a reasonable action to take. The Guilt Train makes a full stop at your door and invites you in. It's not a bad ride to take as long as you don't stay on too long. Guilt can be a good motivator for change if we choose to acknowledge it and create a plan for change.

How to Disarm Emotional Triggers
Most often, triggers are formed in us in our early years. For example, if whining triggers a strong emotional reaction, it is likely that you were shamed or scolded for whining when you were a child. It is helpful to identify your triggers by making a journal. Write down what triggers you and try to find out why it is a trigger. Usually, our triggers come with negative thought patterns. “My kid is such a crybaby! He cries over everything!” These negative thought patterns fuel frustration and build negative feelings. To disarm the trigger, get to know it. Understand it first, and then take the emotional charge out by reframing the thoughts that accompany the trigger. For example, instead of “My kid is such a crybaby,” try “My kid is having a hard time and needs my help.” If you are consistent with this, then, over time, the trigger will become deactivated.

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 10 (Loving Courageously Through Sleep Deprivation)

Sleep deprivation is no joke. I think this has been the hardest thing for me to show up through, because when I'm sleep deprived, it seems nothing about me functions properly.

For me, it was quite a long season, but in the end, it was just a season. Eventually, my kids did start sleeping all night and not needing me to lie down and help them get to sleep. So, while it doesn't make you less tired, part of loving courageously through sleep deprivation is realizing that this is just for a season.

Here are some tips for helping you get through it:

1. Say no to added responsibility. You have quite enough on your plate, thank you.

2. Go to bed early. I know it sounds ridiculous. There is so much to do still. Leave it. Sleep when you can.

3. Eat healthy. Take a multivitamin. Drink lots of water. Nutrition is important for fighting fatigue.

4. Help your child sleep better. Check out for ideas on gentle sleep solutions.

5. Have a relaxing, screen-free evening. This is a good way to wind everyone down for bedtime. Turn off screens and dim the lights about an hour before the bedtime routine starts.

6. Try meditation to help you sleep better.

7. Ask for help if you need it. Let daddy take an early shift on Saturday or seek the help of a grandparent, friend, or trusted sitter.

Loving courageously when you are sleep deprived is an act of sheer willpower. It's not easy, but loving courageously isn't about doing what's easy - it's about doing what's needed.

To show courageous love when you're sleep deprived:

1. Remind yourself to Your little ones don't mean to make you tired and irritable.

2. Take it easy. It's okay to have a day of cuddling and coloring. A restful day is the next best thing if you can't get the sleep you need.

3. If you feel yourself becoming irritable with your loved ones, remember to summon . Take a time out and .

Of the above-listed tips, which ones are most practical for you to implement in your life right now? Can you make a plan and commit to it? And remember, when you're groggy and awakened at 3 am again, this too shall pass.

Join me tomorrow for .

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 9 (Loving Courageously Through Burnout)

By the nature of it, parenting can set you up to burn out. It's the only job which requires your attention 24/7 all year round. Clinical psychologist Robin F. Goodman, PhD, says it's often trying so hard to be a good parent that can set a parent up for burnout. Setting a high standard for the kind of parent you want to be and not being able to meet that standard adds pressure.

"Burnout can also be related to feeling a lack of control in the job, being under appreciated, or not being rewarded," says Dr. Goodman. Other jobs offer rewards and incentives to employees to let them know that they're doing a good job, but parenting is expected to be its own reward. The lack of immediacy of that reward can make it tough.

Read the , then come back for your challenge.

List one thing you can do for yourself starting today - one small step toward taking better care of yourself. Make it happen. Don't be afraid to reach out to others. Call a friend. Have a heart to heart with your partner. You don't have to go it alone.

Join me tomorrow for .

Love Courageously Challenge - Day 8 (Loving Courageously ThroughTantrums)

Pick out the trantrum:

Sophia has simply had enough. Her emotions center in her brain is screaming red alert! She throws the item she has in her hand and it smashes against the wall. Tears start to flow uncontrollably. She screams at her kids, letting out her frustration as wide little eyes stare back at her.

Allie is so tired and doesn't want to be in the boring supermarket. She's sleepy and cranky. She asks for a sucker and the "no" is her tipping point. She throws herself on the floor. Tears start to flow uncontrollably. She screams at her parents, letting out her frustration as narrow, irritated eyes stare back at her.

Nothing has been going Blake's way lately. His friend betrayed him. His parents are constantly on his back. School is hard; his grades are dropping. When Adam makes a snide remark at lunch, he loses it. He punches Adam in the face, letting out his frustration as startled eyes stare back at him.

Damon is really stressed out about work. He's putting in 12 hour days to try to make ends meet at home, yet the company is in trouble, and he isn't sure how much longer he'll have his job. Coming home isn't a relief as his marriage is rocky, and his wife is frustrated and worn out at being home alone so much. When she vents about him being late again today, he loses his cool. In a fit of rage, he screams at her to back off, taking out his frustration as frightened eyes stare back at him.

Yes, all 4 of these are tantrums. None of these people were in control of their emotions and reactions.

Tantrums are a strong emotional reaction to a stimulus. When the information coming in trips an alarm and gets sent to our more primitive limbic system rather than our cortex (or thinking brain which houses logic and reasoning), a tantrum can result. It actually takes a lot of maturity and self-control to not react in such a way, because when that alarm gets tripped, our bodies get flooded with hormones that make us want to fight or run.

This is tough stuff to love courageously through, but if we want to teach children the emotional control they need to keep from acting like Blake, Sophia, and Damon, then we have to start loving them courageously when they're having tantrums like Allie.

I realize this isn't your typical tantrum post. I'm not supposed to be calling out the parents here. I'm supposed to be telling you how to stop your kids from having tantrums. Yet, if nothing else, we need to see the humanness of tantrums. The same basic biological process that happens to you when you yell is happening to your child. Let's acknowledge that it isn't manipulation or done for the sole purpose of annoying you, but it is a human reaction. Let's see the human behind the behavior.

This isn't a behavior problem to be squashed, but a human in distress. Help.

Sure, I understand that sometimes kids have a tantrum just to get their way.

This is embarrassingly similar to our parental tantrums, isn't it? "My kid won't do anything I say until I start screaming!" So, we pitch a fit to get our kid to act.

Then, we get really mad when our kid pitches a fit to get us to act.

But see, that doesn't mean that you are manipulative or mean or bad. It doesn't mean your kid is either. It simply means that, at that particular moment, both of you are out of resources. You have no idea how to get your need met in that moment other than to tantrum.

So it stands to reason that what you and me and the children all need are more resources.

Two things need to happen in order for people of all ages to avoid a tantrum.
1. Understanding of emotions, triggers, and reactivity.
2. Self-control.

The part of the brain that allows us to think logically - to reason about what will happen if we do something - is still very underdeveloped in Allie. That's also the part that houses higher emotional control. We're expecting more of Allie than she's capable of. It's still developing in Blake, too, though he should have enough control to keep from punching someone. Damon and Sophia have fully developed thinking brains now; they just need the self-control.

If it's hard for us, imagine how much harder it is for children. Often, these tantrum throwers are 12-36 months old. They're so new, still learning, still developing. How can we help hem develop optimally?

When we withdraw love and attention, we send the message that they aren't worthy of us at that time. This is common advice, though. Ignore the child who tantrums. That'll teach them. Yes, it will. It will teach them that they have to win your love. That's not giving courageous love; that's giving conditional love.

But you don't want to give her the idea that throwing a tantrum is okay. I know. Here goes the cat out of the bag. Love doesn't teach her that.

Love just teaches her that she's loved.

Now, if she's having a tantrum over that sucker and you give her the sucker to shut her up, then I can see where she might conclude that having a tantrum gets her what she wants. However, loving her courageously through her tantrum while not giving her the sucker gives her what she needs.

So, here's how to love courageously through a tantrum.

1. Never withdraw your love and attention. You don't have to necessarily give the child more attention as some may feed off of that, especially if it's when they get the most attention, but don't ignore his very existence. That hurts. Acknowledge his distress and empathize with it, even if from a distance. Some children want held, some want left alone, all want to feel loved and understood.

2. Make sure she gets lots of loving and positive attention every day. If the only time she gets attention is when she pitches a fit, she's more likely to pitch fits. Not really out of a manipulative mind, but basic cause and effect.

3. Teach about emotions. There are a lot of ways to do this besides just naming them as they happen. Check out these or . Also, help them see and acknowledge what triggers them. "You get really upset when it's time to leave grandma's. Let's work on ways to help you feel better about that."

4. Teach specific ways to deal with emotions. My son used to love to pop a balloon when he was angry. He was probably 2 at the time. It was a release for him. All kids (and adults) have different ways of calming themselves. Some like music. Others reading. Still others need to do something physical like clap their hands or rip paper. If they have an appropriate outlet for releasing their frustration, over time they'll learn to seek that outlet first.

Talk about whatever caused the tantrum after it's over and talk about ways to improve. It's difficult to hear during a raging storm, but much easier when the waters are calm. Wait until emotions are back to baseline before teaching the lesson. During the tantrum, just be courageous.

5. Control yourself. Tantrums often cause us to have our own strong reaction that we have to learn to control so we can show up and help our kids.

6. A little grace. Hey, we are all human beings here. That doesn't excuse poor behavior, but if you've ever lost it on your kid or partner, you can at least empathize with that strong feeling that seems to suck us all into the pit at some point. Learn better. Teach them better. And give a little grace when it's needed.

It takes strength to offer gentleness to a screaming child. It takes self-control to be steady in the face of an emotional storm. If being present and loving while still holding a limit through your child's raging emotions isn't courage, I don't know what is.

Think about your initial gut reaction to tantrums. What happens in your body? What thoughts go through your mind? What can you do to calm your own reaction enough to love your child courageously through that time? When does your child normally have a tantrum? Can you see a pattern? Are there changes you can make to help your child?

Join me tomorrow for Loving Courageously Through Burnout.

**************************************************

that inspired the Love Courageously challenge.

If you'd like a wearable daily reminder, pick up a  in my shop (available in the US only, free shipping). *limited number available*

The  you requested have been ordered! You can preorder yours now in red or purple, debossed with white lettering (available in the US only, free shipping).

Order  for more ways to embrace love.

This manifesto is a beautiful declaration of your intentions as a positive parent. High Quality Downloadable PDF Print.

Love Courageously Challenge - Day Seven (Courageous Love Sees the Best)

Courageous love sees the best.

Think about this. The people in our lives who look past our faults and see our beauty, the ones who still see the light in us during the times we feel only darkness, those are the people who save us from the depths of blackness. Those are the ones who help us see our own beauty and light again.

Do you have someone like that? We all need that person - someone who reflects our light back at us so we can see it, too.

That's what a parent should be.

Look for the light in your child. Notice the way he cares for his sibling or the family pet. Notice his compassion, his goodness. Notice the way she always comforts or tries to help out. Stop focusing on what she does wrong and focus on what she does right. Just a small shift in focus can change your life.

If we are to love courageously, we need to be light-noticers and not fault-finders. They'll be knocked down enough in life. Home should a place where you get picked up and held. Can we be as quick to point out the right as we are the wrong?

In your journal today, write down all of your child's positive qualities that you can think of. Point out a positive quality to him/her every day of this challenge.

Join me tomorrow for "."